I'm hoping the last few lines explain the title. Not much else to say, except, enjoy it. :)
"Why?"
I don't know. Could I possibly condense all my complicated tangled feelings into words for you? I've never been good at speaking my feelings - avoid it, even. I've always felt for you, I think, but I don't know when I actually found the words to explain it to myself. I just know I've been trying to find the words to tell you for the past few years. When does a teenager knows the difference between infatuation, lust and love? That's how long.
I thought I could tell you, now. Thought I had those precious words that it took me so long to find. But you're so cold, standing there unmoved, and that means I've failed. I was hoping that my pathetic confession would at least make you speak to me. Even if it was only pity.
Look what you've done to me. I've gone so low as to want any reaction from you. I don't mind if you hit me, kiss me, kill me - anything is better than your usual passive silence. Everything I've done, it's been for you. I've never been good at saying things. I thought that by fighting you, gaining your attention, maybe, even if it was just fighting, I hoped that maybe I could find out what words would move you. And it was a way to be close to you.
I fought her for you. Did you know that? Once I realised what she was doing to me, I fought it, fought to stop her from making me harm you. It didn't work. I think my heart died within me a little more every time we clashed. I was afraid, Squall. Even I get scared sometimes. I wouldn't admit it to anyone but you, though. Every time we clashed, I feared that would be the time that you would die, before I had a chance to tell you. And out of my own control, I wouldn't even have been able to whisper it to you as I struck you down.
I don't think you could even possibly understand how that hurt me, cutting me up inside.
There's not a flicker of emotion on your face as you wait for me to answer my question. Nothing, not even in your eyes that used to burn so beautifully. What have they done to you, Squall? You were never as emotionless as this.
Your words are a casual cruelty, and I know now that you even realise how they hurt. Are you so far from humanity now? Are you enjoying watching my pain? No, you're emotionless, enjoyment is far from you as well. I hate you.
I love you.
"I don't love you."
I know, Squall. I know.
