This is the first part of a two-shot fic that just wouldn't leave me alone. It's sort of a companion piece to my other story "Interrupted" so be prepared for crazy stuff...
It's just another ordinary day on the beach. Hurley sits in the shade of a tree, pealing a papaya. Yippee. Charlie approaches and flops down next to him in the sand, bored out of his mind.
CHARLIE: This bites.
HURLEY: What, dude?
CHARLIE: (waves his arms around) This! This whole…situation we're in, this season even! Jack, Kate and Sawyer are captured and we still don't know why; Sayid, Jin and Sun aren't back yet; Eko's been getting better so he and Locke are already trekking through the Heart of Darkness in search of…anybody; which leaves me stuck here on the beach with nothing but the local prophet (nods in Desmond's direction) keeping me distracted. Not to demean your company, mate…
HURLEY: Dude, at least you weren't traumatized seeing said local prophet all…you know…natural…
Charlie shudders, couldn't even imagine…
HURLEY: Well, look at it this way, man. They've already shown four episodes so far. That leaves, like, twenty to go until the next hiatus. It won't be long before Sawyer and them escape and get back to camp. Trust me, dude, it'll be just like old times. Before you know it you're gonna see Jack and Kate walking down the beach all flirty and hand holding and-
WOMAN'S VOICE: Oh, I wouldn't count on that, guys.
The guys turn around and see that it's the new girl, Niki. Well, new to the Management at least, she's technically suppose to have been there since Day 1, but enough with details…
HURLEY: Count on what?
NIKI: On Jack and Kate getting together ever again.
CHARLIE: What are you talking about? Of course they'll get together! Why on earth would they not?
NIKI: You remember the Pearl Hatch? The one with all the TV monitors recording our every move? Well I went in one day and managed to get dibs on the latest episode, and in it Kate said she loves Sawyer.
HURLEY & CHARLIE: (jump up, a leeeeettle bit shocked) WHAT?!?!?!?!?!
HURLEY: She couldn't have said that!
CHARLIE: I'm gonna ring her bloody neck!
HURLEY: How is this, like, possible?
CHARLIE: I could totally ring her neck, too! I learned some tricks from that polar bear-
HURLEY: Dude, wait a sec! (turns to Niki) Was it, like, hit-your-head-with-a-mallet confirmed that she loves Sawyer or was it like, somewhat, barely, subtly hinted at?
NIKI: (shrugs) Picket asked her if she loves him, she said yes-
CHARLIE: Hey, think I could maul her with my teeth? The bear used that trick quite affectively-
NIKI: Of course, Picket was punching the daylights out of Sawyer when that question was asked…
If there had been thought bubbles going out of Charlie and Hurley's heads, they would have read "Are you freakin' kidding me?!"
HURLEY: Wait, so it was either she says she loves him, or he gets beaten to death?
CHARLIE: What a load of-
HURLEY: Dude, that shouldn't even count!
CHARLIE: They're manipulating the evidence! Using her own compassion to turn her back on her true feelings and torment the people she loves most! The bloody scum!
HURLEY: Either that or Picket's a hard-core Skater…(suddenly brightens up) Maybe there's still hope, then. Maybe there's a chance that Kate loves Jack after all!
CHARLIE: (determined) That's it, I'm going to settle this once and for all (begins to walk off).
HURLEY: Uh, Charlie, where are you going?
CHARLIE: I'm gonna go to them. I'm gonna march straight into the Other's camp, up to Kate's prison and demand that she tell us the truth!
HURLEY: Dude, count me in!
They both begin marching off into the jungle when…
NIKI: Good luck marching to the Other's camp, considering it's on a different island and all...
The boys stop in their tracks, slowly turning around to face her with looks of question and surprise.
HURLEY: A different island?
CHARLIE: And you know this how?
NIKI: Uh, hello? The Pearl? I saw the end of the episode, too, ya know. I know where they are.
Without warning, Charlie grabs Niki by the collar of her shirt and yanks her to him, his face in a would-be-deadly-if-it-wasn't-Charlie snarl.
CHARLIE: (low and deadly) Where?
Duh Duh Duuuuhhhhh!
To be continued...
