I iced that cake and waited for him to show up. It seemed almost ironic to me that I was laboring over this cake for Paige who last year tried to separate me from the pack like some vicious wolf. Then again I heard that wolves were compassionate, that they'd raise babies and all that. That wasn't Paige. My metaphor sucked.
But back to Craig. I couldn't take this, his inability to commit. I had the note in my pocket from the flowers, "Ash, you rock, XO, Craig," What the hell is that? I rock? I tell him I love him, I bare my soul and all he can say is I rock?
Whatever. I iced the cake, and it was soothing. The motion, watching the cake get buried under the pretty icing. Like things. Things in life get buried by some pretty surface but all the ugly bumps and rocks are still there. I wanted things to be true, I wanted things to be honest. It didn't feel that way with Craig right now. I was willing to admit he maybe had some issues to deal with, but I couldn't be a part of that. I wasn't here for that. If he had to deal with things then he'd have to do it on his own time. What did Alanis Morrisette say in that song? I'm not your mother and one and one make two? I shook my head, I didn't really remember that song but I had the gist. I wasn't going to fill his void.
So I waited, feeling nervous. It was hard to refuse Craig things. I knew this. He was charismatic and charming and sweet and tender in this way that made him irresistible. But I would resist. I wasn't going to be one of those girls, one of those girls like Manny, who were lead around like they were on a little leash. If Craig couldn't say he loved me or didn't love me then maybe he needed time, we needed a break. Yeah. We needed a break. For a while or maybe for longer. I didn't know.
"How's my favorite pastry chef?" he said, suddenly here, wrapping his arms around me. I wanted to just sink into his arms, just snuggle there and be safe. But I felt the note in my pocket and stood up tall and did what had to be done.
"What is this Craig?"
"What?" He looked at me with the wide eyed innocence but beneath that I saw other things. Fear. He was afraid.
"This. 'Ash, you rock, XO, Craig,' "
"Oh, that," he said, looking down, his long lashes touching his cheeks. I loved him, I loved him so much and that was why I couldn't stay with him. I couldn't be the one who was willing to be honest and open. Not the only one.
"Uh, Craig, I want to break up with you," I said, stepping away from him, holding him at arm's length.
His eyes got so big, and the devastation that filled them, it was easy to see. It just filled him. I swallowed, thinking maybe I was wrong. I didn't know. I just knew I couldn't wait around for him to figure things out.
"Wh-what?" he said, looking at me, trying to make me crack. I wouldn't. I shook my head, felt my hair swinging around my face.
"You heard me. I can't, look, I can't just wait forever…I'm not playing games. You can't say that you love me and that's fine…but I can't do this…" I wasn't making sense. It seemed clear in my head when I thought about it, but it wouldn't come out of my mouth. I needed him to go.
"Ash, it's hard for me…" I listened to him but I didn't care. Didn't he think it was hard for me, too? It's hard to say you love someone and have them joke, have them not take you seriously. I was too hurt, I was beyond hurt. I had to somehow preserve myself.
"I know, Craig, but you have to go. You have to go," I turned away, waiting for him to leave. He would. I knew him well enough that this soft shock would quickly turn to anger, and with my back turned I heard his hard footsteps and then the slamming of the door.
