Remembrance
Kagura Kyo Shinra
Warning: This contains shounen-ai. That's boy-boy love. If you don't like that then don't read it.
Disclaimer: I own nothing related to Final Fantasy.
Part One:
Squall made his way down the hallway to the cafeteria, chuckling silently to himself. Since Ultimecia's defeat, Cid's return and Seifer's appointment into SeeD, everything at Garden seemed the same as when Squall was still a cadet. Everything except Squall himself, that is. Even though Rinoa and he had broken up (she was now happily dating Zone and working on her relationship with her father¾the new president of Deling), she activated a reaction in him that changed him for the better, and everyday he was opening up more and more.
"I got the last one!" Zell screamed just as Squall walked through the cafeteria doors. He was waving around a hotdog like a flag.
"I guess I missed out," Squall sighed. "Oh well, looks like . . . Ugh! What is that?"
In one of the food bins behind the counter stood a strange concoction of every vegetable Squall could think of and some kind of brown sauce with a smell that stung his eyes.
"I think it's already been eaten once," Squall said.
"Come on, Squally, don't be a coward. Try some," Seifer said, patting Squall on the back roughly.
"That's alright, Seifer, but why don't you try some?"
Squall reached over the counter and took a large ladle-full of the substance. It didn't drip but oozed down the side of the plastic instrument.
He held it up to Seifer's face. "Go ahead, Seifer."
"I am not eating that," Seifer said with a laugh. "Hey, Squall." He motioned toward Zell.
Zell hadn't eaten his hotdog yet. Not aware of the other two boys' plot, he simply stared at his hotdog, admiring it like a work of art.
Seifer and Squall nodded to each other.
"Zell, what's that?" Seifer shouted.
As Zell was preoccupied with nothing, Squall slathered the vegetable mixture onto his hotdog.
"What's what?"
"Oh, never mind. Here, eat up!"
Seifer shoved the hotdog in Zell's mouth, and Zell took a large, ignorant bite.
"Something . . ." he said.
His eyes widened, and he opened his mouth, sticking out his tongue, causing the partially chewed food to fly out and onto the floor. A passing junior classman slipped on it and nearly fell on his head.
"I think I'm off hotdogs for a while."
"Or maybe just vegetable goo," Seifer suggested.
Zell looked at the vegetable substance and back at Squall and Seifer. His face swiftly took on a shade of maroon, and he began screaming obscenities at the two other boys. As he began to prepare for an attack, Squall and Seifer concluded they may had gone too far and decided a retreat in order. Without more hesitation, Squall and Seifer raced out of the cafeteria. They didn't stop until they reached the training facility, where they jumped into a group of bushes to wait and see if Zell had followed.
Squall couldn't believe how much fun being friends with Seifer could be. He'd always spent his days trying to avoid Seifer, but when Seifer came back, the two suddenly entered a friendship Squall never knew they could have. At first Squall couldn't believe he was spending so much time with his old rival, but he soon realized that it was nice to have a best-friend, especially someone as dynamic, outgoing and unsquall-like as Seifer.
Seifer pressed his body against Squall's, lowering his lips to the younger man's ear. "I think we lost him." He leaned in a little closer. "You run like a little rabbit, Squall. I wonder if you'll ever run like that too somebody, rather than from."
"Seifer," Squall said with a hint of warning.
"You know I'd like to see that."
"You'd like to be the one I'm running to."
"What if I do? Damn you look really sexy right now."
"Let's stop this before I have to say something that will hurt you, Seifer."
"I'm sorry, Squall," Seifer mumbled and pulled away from Squall, a blush spreading across his face.
"I told you I'm willing to be your friend, but I won't indulge you."
"I know. I really am sorry," he said, rising to his feet.
Squall caught the sleeve of his jacket. "Don't go running away, Seifer. We can forget the conversation. You promised me a good training session."
"I'm not gonna run, Squall. I just wanna be alone."
"Seifer, I'm sorry that I don't . . ."
"It's okay . . . really."
"You should be proud of yourself, Squall," Rinoa said over the phone.
"I just can't help feel bad though."
"If you're not attracted to him then there's nothing you can do or no reason you should feel bad. As long as you treat him well."
"I know, but . . ."
Rinoa waited a long time before answering. "You're not telling me everything, Squall. Please, tell me what you're feeling," she urged.
Squall scribbled a few circles and squares on a sheet of blank paper to avoid answering. How could he explain to Rinoa how he felt when he wasn't even sure himself? Something about Seifer definitely pulled at him. It always had, but Squall wasn't that courageous yet. Seifer was Seifer and he had an attitude and behavior that always seemed to overwhelm Squall. Since they'd become friends, Seifer seemed kinder, but he was still Seifer. All his romantic ideas seemed truly romantic while he was only chasing Squall, but what would happen if Squall let Seifer catch him? Squall couldn't take being hurt by Seifer in such intimate ways.
"I don't know how I feel. I mean, when you came into my life Rinoa, you changed me, and that scared me. I knew I loved you, but I knew I wasn't in love, but I'm so afraid of falling in love."
"You've never felt that way before, right?"
"Yeah."
"What happens if it turns out badly? Is that what you're afraid of? Seifer can be scary, but I know from first hand experience that he isn't bad."
"I don't even know if I do feel that way, and I don't want to try. What if I ruin the friendship we have? What if I do care for him?"
"Would that really be so bad?"
"I'm like a child with all this, Rinoa. I'm on foreign territory."
"You're too afraid to even examine how you feel for him, right?"
"Yeah. Rinoa, you don't know the cruel tings he's done to me. I couldn't take it if I did like him, if I did open myself to him and he hurt me."
"I guess, just keep working on it, Squall. You have to figure this out eventually or else everything will blow up anyway."
"I know. Thank you, Rinoa."
Squall hung up the phone, just as he heard a knock at his door.
"Come in."
The door opened slowly, and Seifer walked in.
"Selphie sent me to make sure you were here," Seifer said.
"What's she so worried . . . Oh, the Garden Festival is tonight, right?"
"She said that if you don't show up, she'll drag you in by your ankles." Seifer grinned. "I told her I'd be more than glad to do that."
Squall rolled his eyes. "You're so perverse, Seifer."
Seifer smirked. "That's what everybody loves about me. Well, what most people love about me."
"Rinoa'll be here," Squall said. "I had to convince Zone that I wasn't trying to steal her back though. He wanted to come, but Rinoa explained it would be stupid if she was my date and he was her date."
Seifer laughed. "That Zone . . . I'm not surprised he fell for her, but I am surprised they ended up together. I really thought . . . well, I guess, we all thought that you two would be together forever."
"Things don't always work out the way people think they will."
"Or hope," Seifer murmured.
"So," Squall said, "have you asked anybody?"
Seifer blushed lightly and fiddled with the cuffs of his coat. "Yes . . . I did ask . . . asked Nida."
"Oh! Nida!"
For some reason, this announcement greatly annoyed Squall. Nida was a moron and would never be good enough for Seifer. His boorish brain and weak manors would never strive to entertain Seifer's grand, complex mind.
"Well, I think he's rather cute," Seifer mumbled.
"Ha! I always find it entertaining when the great Seifer is embarrassed."
"Squall," Seifer whispered. "You're so mean sometimes."
"I know." Squall placed his hand on Seifer's shoulder and sighed. "But you know that I really am your friend, Seifer?"
Seifer nodded, not looking Squall in the eyes. "Yeah, that's what make it so bad, Squall."
"I love what Selphie's done with this place!" Rinoa squealed as she looked around the ballroom with avid eyes. "And there are so many more people this year than last."
"Well, last year was kind of a bad time."
"That's true," Rinoa admitted.
The festival had been going on for an hour already. Rinoa and Squall had danced and talked quite a bit, but Squall's mind was preoccupied. Seifer and Nida still hadn't shown up, and Squall wanted to see Seifer more than anyone else at that moment, even though he wasn't sure why exactly.
"Is Seifer even coming?" Rinoa asked. "You said he was coming with that Nida guy? I remember him. I really can't see him and Seifer together. He's kinda . . . blah."
"I know what you mean. For some reason it really pisses me of to think of the two of them together, but if Nida makes him happy . . ."
"Isn't that them?" Rinoa interrupted. "Oh, they look a little . . . Squall . . . " She giggled. "I think they had a little bit of fun before they came here."
"What?"
Squall snapped his head up and starred at the entrance, his jaw slowly lowering. Seifer and Nida had entered, Seifer's arm around Nida's waist. They looked slightly disheveled but were straightening out their clothes and hair. They were also whispering and laughing in each other's ears.
"Oh, there's Squall and Rinoa!" Nida shouted and dragged Seifer toward their table. "Hi, Squall!"
"Nida, Seifer, it's good to see that you two finally decided to show up," Squall scowled. "I would have been a little annoyed if I was forced to come here and you escaped."
"We got a little distracted," Seifer grinned and his cheeks tinted.
"Is that a blush, Seifer?" Rinoa asked. "I wonder what you two were doing then." She broke into a fit of giggles. "Which one was on top?"
"Rinoa!" Squall shouted.
"What?"
"Don't ask questions like that!"
"What's the matter, Squally? Do they make you uncomfortable?" Seifer teased.
"I just thought it might embarrass you."
"Don't worry about Seifer," Nida said. "He's definitely not bashful, and to answer your question, Seifer was."
As Squall struggled to delete that information from his mind, he was interrupted by the sight of something that proved to infuriate him further. Nida had begun to rub Seifer's shoulder in an extremely sensual way. How could Seifer allow someone as humdrum as Nida to touch him in such tender ways? But more importantly, why was all this even bothering Squall?
Squall forced himself to look away from the happy couple, straining to understand what he was feeling. His own emotions were a mystery to himself because he'd never taken the time to feel them before. He'd never felt jealously like this before, and he was too afraid to examine the situation closer. He couldn't know the truth. What if . . .
Rinoa lightly touched Squall's knee under the table and caught his eye with a warm smile.
"Nida," she said, "would you care to dance?"
Nida politely accepted her request, and Squall and Seifer were soon left alone. Squall felt relieved to see Nida disappearing, and his nerves and fears relaxed.
"I've never seen you looking so happy, Seifer. I'm glad that Nida can make you fell that way."
"Well, it could have been anybody, really. I guess, I've just been so lonely lately that it's nice to find somebody who is so crazy about me."
"You don't have to settle, Seifer," Squall said. "I'm sure there . . . "
"Yes I do," Seifer replied firmly. "And you know that, so don't play that stupid game where you pretend like you don't."
"What game, Seifer? I'm not playing any games."
"Save it, Squall. It irritates me more when you act like my feelings don't exist. I'm not ashamed of my feelings, so you don't have to pretend on my account."
"I'm not pretending."
"Then why do you tell me lies like I don't have to settle? You're the only one I've ever wanted, Squall. So, I have to settle."
Squall looked away, desperately wishing Rinoa would return and save him from this torment, but he couldn't see her. He was alone.
"And it's not like he's a bad person. Nida's really nice, and I'll learn to care for him."
"That's enough, Seifer," Squall demanded. "I can't listen to anymore."
"What? Oh, I'm sorry. Does the pathetic Seifer Almasy bother you? Forgive me for making the great Squall Leonhart uncomfortable."
"Don't be that way, Seifer." He rested his hand on the back of Seifer's. "I hate myself when you tell me your story because it's my fault."
"That's not true." He pulled his hand away. "And don't touch me like that unless you mean it, Squall. I can't bare to be tricked into thinking there's a chance, but I appreciate your thoughtfulness." He spoke not in a warning manor, just simply as if he was noting the weather.
"I'm sorry. I forgot myself."
Squall watched Seifer, but he couldn't read anything in his face. The only thing Squall could think about was how Seifer was too good for Nida, but why did he care? If he just knew how he felt about Seifer, everything would be better. But was he just afraid, or was he selfish? Did he want Seifer to be alone forever just so he could fawn over Squall? Did Squall enjoy seeing his old rival brought down so low? No, that couldn't be it! Squall couldn't be that selfish.
"This lady dances wonderfully, but I would like to dance with my companion," Nida said as he and Rinoa returned.
Seifer took his hand and disappeared on the dance floor with him.
"So what did the two of you talk about?" Rinoa asked.
"I'm a coward, Rinoa. It has to be that because I'm not that selfish."
"Squall?"
"I hate Nida. He'll never make Seifer as happy as Seifer should be . . . but, Rinoa, Seifer scares me! His emotions are too strong, and he's hurt me so many times in life . . . how can he ever treat me like that?"
He and Rinoa watched the two of them dance amongst the crowds. They danced in and out of site, moving carefully and delicetly but oddly out of step with each other.
Only a month later, Squall was hardly sleeping or eating due to the sickening relationship growing between Seifer and Nida. It seemed like the two boys had been fussed together. Every time Squall thought he would get a minute alone with Seifer, Nida quickly appeared.
"Nida's starting to creep me out a bit," Rinoa confessed. "He's following Seifer around constantly. It's sickening."
"You think so too?" Squall asked. "I was afraid it was just me."
"No, he's weird. I just can't understand why Seifer puts up with him. Seifer hated it when I hung all over him. I mean, he wasn't physically void, but as much as Nida hangs on him is too much."
"Seifer is settling."
"What do you mean?"
"He can't have what he wants, so he's settling for Nida. That's pretty much what he told me anyway."
"Why does everything have to be so complicated," she asked. "I thought once we defeated Ultimecia, everything would be fine."
"Fuck, speak of the devil. Here comes Nida. Why is it that when I see one of them alone, it's always him?"
"You two look a little glum," Nida said as he approached them. "Have either of you seen Seifer?"
They shook their heads.
"Get lost, did you?" Squall whispered venomously.
"What'd you say?" Nida asked.
"Oh!" Rinoa gasped.
"Something wrong?" Squall asked.
"I think!"
"Rinoa are you alright?"
"The library! I saw him in the library! Come on Nida!"
She grabbed Nida's hand and dragged him toward the library. Squall watched after them, a little hurt that Rinoa had left without even saying goodbye.
"Squally!"
Squall jumped and turned around to find Seifer standing behind him. He smiled to himself and mentally apologized to Rinoa for distrusting her.
"Have you seen Nida?" Seifer asked.
Nida? Nida who?
"Nida? Nope. No Nida here. Nope."
"Was that Rinoa's voice I heard? What were you two talking about? Thinking about getting back together?"
"No, we weren't talking about anything."
Seifer began glancing around the hallway, looking for Nida, and Squall had a sudden impulse to say anything that would make Seifer realize the foolishness of he and Nida's relationship. His impulse was so strong his mouth ran away from his brain.
"Actually, we were talking about you and Nida," Squall said bravely. "You know, the way you two go on with each other¾him hanging all over you. It makes some people a little queasy."
"Is that so?"
"It's just that you don't seem like the type to allow that."
"How would you know?"
Seifer wasn't yelling and didn't seem angry, which made Squall even more nervous than if Seifer had punched him. He suddenly realize how stupid he was to have mentioned any of this, and he had to find a way to smooth this over quickly.
"Sorry if I offended you. I've been kinda busy and don't really know what I'm saying."
"You know very well what you're saying. Don't give me that crap about being busy. I've seen the way you treat Nida now that we're together¾as if it bothers you that we're together."
"It doesn't bother me. You're my friend, and I want you to be happy. I just want to make sure he makes you happy."
"Come off it, Squall. That's not what it looks like to either me or Nida. It looks like . . ."
"Like what?" Squall warned.
"Like you're jealous."
"Jealous! Of Nida? Right. That's not it, Seifer. I . . ."
Squall turned his back to Seifer, but Seifer grabbed his shoulder and spun him around so they were eye to eye.
"I'm going to ask you a question, Squall, and I want you to answer me."
"Go on."
"Do you feel like you could ever have any romantic feelings for me? Don't look away! Tell me if there is any doubt in you mind that you may have feelings for me, even if you don't understand them, even if it's the smallest bit. Because it sure as hell looks like you've been acting like a jealous lover."
Squall's chest pounded, but he used all his battle training to force himself to appear calm. Seifer was asking him point blank the same thing Squall had been struggling with. But he couldn't say¾not with Seifer's intense eyes staring at him with a wild romantic passion in them that Squall was too afraid to allow himself to feel or let anyone feel for him.
"I'm sorry, Seifer. I only think of you as my friend. I just don't think Nida is right for you."
"So there's nothing then?" Seifer probed, searching Squall's face. "When you see me, you just picture the poor Seifer who's in love with you and can't have you?"
He had to escape.
"Seifer, let's finish this later. I have a billion papers to fill out. So . . ."
Seifer grabbed Squall's wrist. "Wait a minute. I wanna talk about this some more. I wanna know exactly what's going on in your head."
"I already told you!" Squall yelled and yanked his hand away. "I have to go. Don't be so pathetic."
"That's right!" Seifer shouted as Squall walked away. "Go along with the other ostrich and burry your head, Squall! I'm sure you'll find some sand in the training center. You'd rather bring yourself to exhaustion than face me or yourself!"
Squall turned his corner and broke into a run. He didn't stop until he reached the training center. After killing a few T-Rexurs and nearly brining himself to exhaustion, he dropped to knees, sweat dripping down his face, knowing Seifer's words were true.
"What's wrong with me?" he asked. "Why don't I just tell him that I don't know how I feel? I don't even know myself. I'm so afraid. Why can't I just trust him and myself?"
Using his skills at pretending things weren't there, Squall avoided talking to Seifer about their conversation or Seifer's feelings. Seifer too seemed for once to want to just drop the whole thing, which annoyed Squall a little. For three months, Squall kept himself busy to near exhaustion while Seifer and Nida's relationship grew into a full fledged romance.
Rinoa had taken it upon herself to visit at least once a week, practically breaking down into tears because of Squall's stupid, unhealthy behavior. He hardly slept, ate and never had free-time anymore.
"I'm just so worried about you, Squall. Everybody is." Rinoa said.
"I don't know why. I'm perfectly fine. I've just been extremely busy."
"Quistis said you get like five hours of sleep a night, and it's not even in your room. You sleep here, passed out at your desk."
"Quistis should mind her own business," Squall warned.
"You're her friend, so when you're being an idiot, it is her business. It's mine too," she shouted.
"I means a lot to me," he breathed. "It does, but I'm fine."
"How many times have you spoken to Seifer since then?"
"Not much, and I don't have to."
"Why don't you go to Esthar and spend some time with Laguna. You know, a vacation."
"No time, Rinoa. Just drop it."
"You're such an idiot, Squall. I don't even know why I bother coming here to see you!" She began to cry. "It's like you've reverted to your old horrible self. You were becoming so much more open."
He put his arms around her to comfort her.
"I'm sorry, Rinoa. Maybe a vacation would be a good idea."
"Really?"
"Yeah. I'll go and spend some time with Laguna."
"Oh Squall!" She kissed his cheek. "I'll go and call him."
"Alright. I just have a few papers to look at, and then I'll go pack."
Rinoa beamed at him and skipped out the door to call Laguna and tell everybody Squall would be okay. Squall picked up the paper on top of his stack and read it. As soon as he had finished, he reached for the intercom.
"Marietta, could you get me Seifer Almasy?"
"Yes, Mr. Leonhart."
Squall looked at the paper in his hand again¾Nida's letter of resignation. This would end the relationship for sure.
"Squall?" Seifer asked as he peeked in.
"Come in, Seifer. Sit down."
Seifer sat and looked at Squall curiously. "You've been so busy we haven't had time to talk."
"I received Nida's letter of resignation," Squall said.
Seifer didn't look up from the floor of Squall's office.
"I'm sorry . . ."
"Don't be. You see, Nida has always wanted to own his own store. It's always been his dream, and he finally has enough money to start it."
"So, you two have already talked this over?"
"Yes."
"Well, you know, we're all here for you, me included, if you need to talk."
"I know, but I don't think that'll be necessary."
"Why not?"
"Because I'm thinking about going with Nida."
"What?"
Squall rose from his desk and hurried to the other side, where Seifer sat.
"You can't just leave."
"I think I can be happy if I'm with somebody who I know cares about me. It's only been a few months, but I think I can learn to be happy."
"Listen to yourself, Seifer!" Squall shouted. "You can 'learn to be happy.' What the hell does that mean! Don't you want to be happy because you have something you want!"
"Fuck you, Squall!"
Seifer jumped to his feet and knocked his chair out behind him. It fell over with a loud clang. Squall immediately moved to pick it up, but Seifer grabbed him and shoved him away from it.
"Stop it! Stop messing with all the little things just so you don't have to deal with me! I'm right here, Squall!"
Squall grabbed Seifer by the front of his coat and shoved him backwards until he hit the desk.
"You think I don't see you!" Squall shouted. "Fuck, Seifer, even when you're not right in front of me, you're still there. Every damn minute, you're there!"
"Oh, and that's my fault, I guess! It's my fault you're the only person who's ever made sense to me! I didn't ask for any of this! I don't want this pain! Do you know what it's like to see the person you care for more than anyone else everyday, to have him so close, but you know you can't have him?"
"I don't try to hurt you, Seifer," Squall said, feeling calmer due to the pain he sensed in Seifer. "Sometimes I feel like you try to make me feel bad on purpose."
"I don't," Seifer said, calming down as well. "I know I say things sometimes. I'm sorry for that, Squall. My mouth just gets away from me sometimes."
". . . If you go with Nida, what will you do?"
Seifer shrugged. He picked up the chair and sat down. "I'll work in the store too."
"That's too boring for you, Seifer. Please, stay here. I'll find somebody for you who will worship you."
"Why do you want me to stay so badly? What are you feeling?"
Squall turned away from him and walked to the window. He couldn't tell the truth, but he could tell part of it. It would only hurt Seifer to know of Squall's cowardliness.
"Sometimes," he began, "I have these strange flashes of memory. Ones that break through the GF's hold. They're short and fuzzy, but you're always there. And it's not the you I thought I remembered. It's a much younger you. Not at the orphanage, we're definitely at Garden already but still young. You're always smiling to me, not that sneer I know, but a kind smile. I don't know for sure, but it seems like you treat me gently and as though I really want you to be my friend because of that, I want to know the truth."
"We really are messed up, huh?" Seifer said. "Can't even remember our lives."
"But you remember more than I do, Seifer. You never used as may GF's as I did. Plus, when you were with Ultimecia, she helped you, didn't she? Tell me, am I remembering the truth, because it's so hard for me, Seifer. My memories lie to me. I only remember the bad things for sure, but maybe the good outweighs them. Tell me, Seifer!"
Seifer didn't speak for a long time. "No, I . . . I don't remember for sure."
"You're lying."
"Maybe I am, but it doesn't matter. I don't want to think about those days . . . they make my head hurt. Don't make me remember, Squall. Please, if you care for me even as just a friend, don't make me remember."
"Don't I have a right to know?"
"No, you don't."
"What?"
"They're mine because they meant the most to me back then and hurt me most now. Why do you want to know so badly anyway?"
Again, a chance to tell the truth, be he had to lie.
"I just wanna know my past. If we really were good friends back then, I don't wanna see you unhappy. I wouldn't want to see any of my friends unhappy."
"Why should it matter if we were friends then. We're friends now, aren't we? I known the truth, Squall."
"You do?" Squall gulped.
"Yes. You remember odd pieces that disgust you, and you wonder how you could have been so sick, but you were young. It's normal. Don't feel disgusted."
"What the hell are you babbling about?"
"Please, I don't wanna talk about it anymore. You know what I mean, Squall."
"No, I don't, but if it bothers you that much, I take back my question. But, Seifer, will you stay?"
"I've decided," Seifer said. "I'm going to go with him."
"But why?" Squall demanded.
"Because it hurts too much to be here, Squall. Please, let me go. If you ask me to stay again, I'm afraid I won't be strong enough to go."
Squall took a few large strides, closing the space between them. He put his arms around Seifer and hugged him tightly.
"I won't ask again. I won't make you stay someplace that hurts you."
Seifer pressed himself against Squall's body and buried his head in the brunet's neck.
"If only . . ."
"You should probably tell Nida of your decision."
Squall began to pull away, but Seifer clung tighter.
"Just a moment longer, Squall. For just a moment, I want to pretend it's not just a dream."
Squall rested his hand on Seifer's head, gently caressing the soft hairs and losing himself in Seifer's dream.
TBC . . .
