A/N; Just a little idea I came up with while listening to this song. Italics represent flashbacks, even though quite a lot of this fic is in-game dialogue I'd like to think I've added another layer of depth. Anyway reviews appreciated, Thanks!
Disclaimer; Bioware owns all characters, and the song 'If It Means A Lot To You' belongs to A Day To Remember.
If It Means A lot To You Pt 1
And Hey Darling, I hope you're good tonight.
And I know you don't feel right when I'm leaving.
Yeah I want it, but no I don't need it.
Tell me something sweet to get me by,
'Cause I can't come back home till they're singing
La, la la la, la la la
"Please confirm destination, Shepard. The Reaper IFF is online, but there is a chance the Normandy may not survive the Omega 4 Relay. Once we are on course we are committed," EDI's computerised voice came through the ship's intercom system.
Shepard stared intently into the Galaxy map before nodding his head, "The Collectors took my people time to get them back," he spoke with unrivalled determination.
"You got it Commander, Plotting a course for the Omega 4 relay. ETA two hours, I'll let you know when we arrive," EDI's voice was swapped for Joker's as his voice now filtered through the Comm. Shepard stretched out his arms and cracked his neck. He let out a deep breath, and turned round to make his way to the elevator, but not without being stopped by his XO.
"Joker's finalising preparations now the trip should take a few hours, I'll admit it Shepard I'm impressed you got us here, are you ready?" Miranda asked Shepard, with the signs of a faint smile; she was impressed with him to say the least, although in a couple of hours all their preparation would be tested.
"We've got the right team and the collectors own technology. We can do this," Shepard reassured, fairly confident in his own words.
I hope you're right Commander, we'll know soon enough. I'll inform you of any changes, otherwise we'll be there in a few hours. Good luck Shepard, see you on the other side," Miranda's smile became much fuller as she saluted the Commander, her eyes gleaming with respect for the man in front of her. Shepard returns her salute; even though she was never military it just seemed like the right thing to do.
Shepard walked into the elevator, and hit the button for his personal cabin. Waiting in the elevator his mind danced around what he was doing now, taking on the Collectors with twelve of the craziest people in the galaxy, which ranged from a convict, a Geth, an expert thief and a Krogan super-soldier. He ran a hand over his head, was this all over his head? Could he actually pull off the impossible? Or was he simply deluding himself and the rest of the crew?
The 'beep' from the elevator snapped him away from his thoughts. Shepard slowly stepped into his own Captain's cabin, looking at all of the model ships he had collected in his travels throughout the galaxy. Despite always being busy somehow he had found the time to build all of the ships, it was his own little hobby. He'd always found ships interesting, considering he spent his life growing up on them it wasn't really surprising, always travelling with his mother from one ship to the next.
Shepard's eyes cast over the rest of his personal 'decor' in the cabin. He gazed at the table that stood beside his bed, holding his previous life. He edged towards the table picking up his old battered N7 helmet; those stages in his life were a much simpler time. He was in everyone's good books, The Alliance, The Council. Instead of having to wipe out an entire race he was simply tasked with hunting down a single rouge SpecTRE. He chuckled out loud, simple wasn't the word, Joker was right it was hell at the time, yet now though he couldn't think of a better time. And all that was left was a couple of trinkets. Twenty nine years of his life and all he had was a helmet and a couple of pictures.
Slowly placing the helmet back onto the table he exhaled noisily, and sat heavily on the edge of his bed clutching the bridge of his nose. The last time he was heading for a 'Suicide Mission' he spent his time in a very different way. With her, Gunnery Chief Ashley Madeline Williams;
Two naked, glowing sweaty forms were entangled upon the hard uncomfortable military issue mattress with sheets haphazardly thrown over the pair. Ash's cool damp body pressed against Shepard's, his arm snaked around her waist as her head rested upon his shoulder.
The two marines in the past hour had broken all of the regulations in regard to fraternization, but if anyone did found out it would still be pretty low on the list of possible charges; Treason, mutiny, theft and even kidnapping. Shepard smiled; he wouldn't swap it for the galaxy. "What are you smiling at?" the woman who rested on his shoulder asked, her dark brown orbs searching his own steely blue eyes.
"What's not to smile at? We're mutineers, thieves and hell I could be a kidnapper," Shepard chuckled as he spoke but his voice held a vague tinge of worry.
"Kidnapper? Skipper you're only four years older than me, plus I was hardly resistant," She lazily traced patterns on his chest with her nails causing him to shudder slightly, making her laugh quietly.
"Ash," Shepard paused slightly, "I want you to know that when we get back I'm not letting you take any of the fall for any of this," He said sincerity laced in his voice.
Ash stopped tracing the patterns and looked up to him, "You still think we're going to live?" She raised an eyebrow at him, falling back to her defence of avoiding the real issues. He sighed lightly, "Sorry...,"She whispered. Ash thought quickly about what she wanted to say, "No Skipper, it was my choice too it shouldn't come to that anyway, when we live and stop Saren you'll be considered a hero not a convict," she concluded feigning a reassuring grin at him.
Shepard tightened his grip on Ashley's waist slightly, "Hopefully, but if not your career is still ahead of you and I'm not letting you jeopardize that for me," Shepard said slowly.
"But..." Ashley was cut off by Shepard's index finger firmly placed on her lips.
"We won't worry about it now; I think we should get some sleep only about another four hours till we get to the Mu Relay. Enough 'vigorous activities' for one day," Shepard smiled and stroked Ash's flowing hair which was unusually loose after being released from the usual tight bun she wore it in.
"Aye Aye Skipper," Ash responded in her best military grunt voice. He leaned down to give her a passionate kiss before the pair settled down to get what little sleep they could for the mission.
Shepard sighed with that memory he gained not only happiness, but also great sadness it simply reminded him that she wasn't here now with him. He sauntered slowly over to his desk and plonked down onto the chair and spun round once, only to be caught by the picture of Ash that stared back at him. Shepard carefully picked up the picture and looked at it with a sad regretful smile on his lips. The last time he saw Ash was on Horizon and he acted like a prick, there was no other way to put it, he simply forgot even though it had been two months for him it had been two years for her. He hated himself for it.
"We had something Shepard, something real I...I loved you, I almost...how could you put me through that?" Ashley accused her voice stuttering at multiple parts during her admission, she continued to stare at the ground. "Why didn't you try to contact me? Why didn't you let me know you were alive?" She asked quietly, perfectly aware Garrus and some Krogan were stood behind him.
Shepard stood there, speechless. Those three words had never been said between the pair before; sure he probably thought that way but never got up the courage to admit it perhaps because he was worried she didn't feel the same way. She almost...Shepard hoped it wasn't what he thought it was, she was a strong woman surely she would never think of 'that' just because of him. Shepard blinked a couple of times to bring himself out of his thoughts. "Ash I was clinically dead, it took two years to bring me back," He explained with the same quiet tone, holding out his right hand as if to help to his explanation, they were standing no more than two feet apart. He took another deep breath, "You've moved on I don't want to re-open old wounds," He lied, but with such conviction. He just wanted to make her happy.
"I moved on..." She whispered unconvincingly, "but here you are pulling me back in, and now we've got reports about you and Cerberus," She said much louder so the two aliens behind Shepard could hear her.
"Reports, you mean you already knew?" Garrus asked from behind Shepard.
Ash's marine posture returned, "Alliance Intel said Cerberus could be behind our missing colonies. We got a tip that Horizon could be the next to get hit," She informed the trio although not looking at Shepard more focused on Garrus, her focus then shifted back to the leader of the trio. "I went to Anderson, but he wouldn't talk. But there were rumours that you weren't dead worse that you were working for the enemy," She said once using her hands to do the explaining once again, she always used to mock him for doing it, looks like she picked up his habit.
Shepard grimaced slightly he didn't want to be working for Cerberus, but he couldn't say he wasn't working for them. "They're a necessary evil Ash, I'm just trying to save our colonies you've seen what the Collectors are capable of," Shepard tried to justify his reasons for being part of the terrorist organisation.
"Do you really believe that, or is that just what Cerberus wants you to think?" She took another small step towards him. "I wanted to believe you were alive, I just never expected anything...like this," Her voice once again a mere whisper. She looked into his eyes, the same steely blue they had always been still held the same look of sincerity and passion. "How could you turn your back on all of us? You betrayed the Alliance...Anderson," She paused; "You betrayed me," That hit Shepard, hard she could tell as he visibly flinched away from her words.
"Ash you know me, you know I'd only do this for the right reasons," Shepard lifted his right hand up again as if to put it on Ash's shoulder in comfort, but quickly retracted it as he realised what he was doing.
"I'd like to believe you Shepard...I really would," Her mind continued on with its own personal war, "But I don't trust Cerberus and it worries me that you do. What did they do to you?" She asked to no-one but herself, "Plus what if they're behind it? What if they're the ones working with the collectors?" She continued to ask questions from her Intel it could be true, or was she just making excuses for not trusting him...she didn't know.
"Damn it Williams, you're so focused on Cerberus that you're ignoring the real threat!" Garrus shouted at Ashley, Garrus had grown accustom to the marine on their quest for Saren. He had probably even considered her a friend; she was straight talking and could even make him laugh occasionally. But right now he couldn't believe that she was saying all these things to Shepard.
"You're letting their history get in the way of facts," Shepard reiterated.
"Or maybe you feel like you owe them because they saved you, maybe it's you. Doesn't matter," She took a deep breath preparing herself to turn him away, "I know where my loyalties lie. I'm an Alliance Soldier; it's in my blood," She said with belief and certainty. "I'm reporting back to the Citadel. I'll let them decide if they believe your story," She finished and turned and began to walk away from him.
Shepard outreached a hand trying to stop the inevitable, "Don't go Ash, join me...it can be just like old times," He pleaded with her as she turned back round to stare into his eyes again; they held such determination yet sorrow all at the same time.
"No it can't, I'm no fan of aliens but Cerberus has a history of being extremists I'll never work for a group like that," Ashley said, her voice saddened slightly but that same Marine undertone was present throughout. "Goodbye Shepard...Just try to be careful," her voice sincere truthful as she turned and walked away back behind the crates and buildings she had appeared from leaving Shepard stood speechless.
He took a deep breath and lifted his hand to his ear, tears stinging in his eyes threatening to fall. "Joker; send the shuttle to pick us up. I've had enough of this colony," he spoke though his voice wavered and cracked at the end, as a single rogue tear fell down his cheek.
Shepard shook his head lightly in disapproval he could have told her more, so much more, he could have told her that he loved her, but no he was too scared. He placed the picture back down onto his desk slowly. Realising what he had to do, he opened up his private terminal opened up his inbox until he found the message he was looking for entitled; 'Hey there.' He had read this message over and over again trying to decipher her words, figuring out if he still had a chance. He still didn't know. Shepard simply hoped that she was ok. He read through the entire message focusing on the use of his old nickname 'Skipper' smiling slightly to himself, he probably would have been irritated if anyone else called him that but she seemed to say it with great respect. Finally he read through the last passage; the exert from Tennyson's 'Ulysses', the lines she had spoken to him before Ilos, Shepard felt his smile grow slightly. Was this her way of telling him that she still cared for him? He wished he was right.
Maybe it was better this way though; maybe he should just let her get on with her life. Sure he wanted this, but he didn't need it as such. Although he was on the way to a suicide mission and possibly even his second death, but there would be no-one to put him back together this time. Shepard decisively opened up a reply and began to type, though quickly began to have difficulties with what he wanted to say. He rubbed his fingers over his brow in a vain attempt to draw out his feeling, and how to put them into words.
Eventually he decided to simply write how he felt, no sugar coating if he was going to die he wanted her to know exactly how he felt. So his fingers began to dance over the keys forming words from the base of his heart.
About sixty minutes later he had finished typing up his response, it wasn't that long but it said all that he wanted to say. He signed it, and then began to read his words through once again checking he had expressed himself properly. "Shepard we're just about to enter the Omega 4 relay," Joker's voice startled him slightly, interrupting his proof reading.
"I'll be down," Shepard spoke with slight hints of annoyance in his voice. He sighed and quickly hit the send button; there was no going back on his words now. Shepard allowed himself one last glance at Ash's photo, smiling as he found his drive to complete his mission he cracked his knuckles (A terrible habit he had) and walked to the elevator.
