No offense to Mexico or the Spanish language in general. It's an inside joke…anyway…

It's that special time of year again! Yes, Jocelyn's birthday! And the guest list is getting pretty extensive…Rafael Nadal, Captain Jack Sparrow, etc.

Happy birthday, Jocelyn! I love you even though you went to MEXICO!

Well, the sun was shining on the lovely place called Rivendell, and everything was going mighty fine in Rivendell, for Rivendell is the place to be, as we all know.

As it happened, they were holding a secret council that day to decide what to do about Jocelyn, The Curliest Wench in All The Land.

There were three different Fellowships there: The Fellowship of the Ring, The Fellowship of the Rhombus, and the Fellowship of I Heart Jocelyn.

The Rhombus Fellowship was comprised of Kalyn, Caitlin, Kearra, and Jocelyn, and the Fellowship of I Heart Jocelyn was made up of all our returning lovers from one of the previous stories: Rafael Nadal and his racket of terror, Prince Caspian of Narnia, Captain Jack Sparrow, and two new members: Edward Cullen, Prince Legolas of Mirkwood, who had joint membership in two separate Fellowships.

The Fellowship of I Heart Jocelyn sat down in the big circly thing where the Councils are always held in Rivendell.

Rafael Nadal sat in Elrond's seat, the most important one.

"San glicka micka mickle farb, fett manna kanna wenck!" he declared, his eyebrows furrowing together like two sexy hamsters of love.

"What?" Edward Cullen asked. "That didn't make any sense."

"He said: We are here to answer the threat of Mexico, the land that took our beloved away." Legolas answered, tearing up a little.

"It's like they always say, 'Cuando en Roma, y encuentra Jocelyn y hacer la mia!', savvy?"

"Hold thy tongue!" Caspian said. "Why utter such Black Speech here?"

"Begging your pardon, Lord Caspian." Sparrow said. "The Black Speech of Mexico might yet be heard in all four corners of the West."

"Um, hello, haven't you ever been to Texas?" Legolas asked.

The other guys shook their heads.

"Los Angeles?"

They shook their heads.

"Well, what about the Laundromat in Glenwood?"

They shook their heads again.

Legolas threw up his hands in despair, hands as wonderful and sensual as the hands of Eros, the Greek god of love.

"That's it! I'm so tired of you guys! I need some stress relief! I'm going to have to go find some mead and pipe weed! You guys suck, this Fellowship sucks, and now, I'm going to go suck!"

"Tella naan?" Rafael asked, disgusted.

"He meant a pipe." Caspian clarified, and Rafael nodded.

"Oh. I get it. Oiky glob!" Rafael said.

"Wait just a minute there, Will Turner!" Jack Sparrow said. "The whole point of this council was too see who got to woo Jocelyn! Which one of us will be the ones, savvy, doing to wooing, in the savvy business of wench wooing, which be needing a good wooing, if you don't mind my saying so, savvy, the one who be the wanting said wooing wants it from which of us. Savvy?"

"What? You just made less sense than Rafa!" Edward Cullen complained.

"What he means is that we have to decide who gets to be with Jocelyn, the Curliest in All the Land!" Caspian said, sighing at the thought of her beauty.

"Aha!" Rafa proclaimed. "Icka van clack!"

"That's a great idea, Rafa! We can all have a contest to see who's more worthy of Jocelyn's affections!" Legolas said.

"Good idea, savvy!" Jack Sparrow proclaimed.

"Yes! Now, we need to have a good place to hold this contest. Like that show Survivor! We should do it somewhere in the wilderness! But, where?" Caspian surmised.

"Dude!" Hurley from LOST walked up.

"Your curls aren't like Jocelyn's." Edward said contemptuously, hate written all over his beautiful vampiric face.

"You dudes can use my island to hold your contest, dudes!"

"Gee, thanks! But why would you just offer the use of your island? Surely there is a loophole of some sort, some sort of catch…?" Legolas wondered aloud.

"Dude, why would I do that? That would be crazier than trapping a bunch of people on an island for years to pick them off one by one until I can decide who would be best to take over my job as the dude in charge of the island, invoke time-travel as a legitimate plot device, and in the end, just make everything a really long, convoluted metaphor for religion!"

"Can't argue with that logic!" Caspian said. "Let's go!"

Tune in next chapter to find out what happens…if you dare! Mwahahaha!