A.N. First thing first: I don't own anything from JKR's wonderful work. This story is just something I write to kill the time and have a little fun. I don't make any money from this and don't intent to.

Hi everyone, here is a story that I think is quite unusual, I don't think I ever found one like this anywhere and I really don't know if you'll like it, but I hope at least you won't flame me. Remember: don't like it, don't read it!

For those who read "Harry Potter and the Will Power", don't worry, I'm still working on it, however I don't have a lot of free time and this new story really just jumped out of my head and I couldn't concentrate on anything before writing at least the beginning. I'll try to write the two stories in parallel.

Warnings: This story is a girl!Harry story and will contain femmslash as it is a romance story between Harry and Hermione. This story begins after DH, as Harry begins his seventh year at Hogwarts. There are also some adult rated themes in this chapter, mention of rape and abuse. This chapter is rather gloomy and depressing, but this is just the first chapter ; the romance and humour stuff goes after.

Now I won't tell more except that if you are a fan of Ron you probably won't like this or at least the first chapter.

Enjoy

Lisy


Chapter 1 – Harry confides in Hermione.

"I can't believe it" exclaimed Hermione "We are finally back at Hogwarts, Voldemort is dead and we can have a normal, last, year!"

She was alone in the Head Girl dorm. Headmistress McGonagal had told her that even if she was a year late, this position was hers without any question. The professor had also offered the Head Boy position to her best friend Harry Potter, who had accepted without hesitation.

It was late into the night of the first of September and Hermione couldn't sleep. She was too happy, and if it hadn't been for one Ronald Weasley, her world would have been perfect. She looked at her alarm clock. 23.00. Damn, 10 hours to wait before her first class. She couldn't wait so she decided it would be a good idea to read a bit ahead since she was a bit rusty after a year on the run. That's how she found herself going down to the small common room she shared with the Head Boy with a big book under her arm and a smile on her lips.

However this smile quickly disappeared to be replaced by a frown when she heard noises coming from the common room.

"Harry?" she asked tentatively "Harry, is that you?"

There was no answer, but she could clearly hear someone sob, so she entered the room.

"Harry?" she repeated. He didn't answer right away and she could tell that he was trying to hide the fact that he had been crying. Knowing her best friend like she did, she knew he wouldn't tell her anything just now, so she just sat herself next to him on the sofa, her book now totally forgotten. After about 30 minutes, she thought that Harry had had enough time to compose himself and he would be ready to speak about what he had on his mind. As she was about to open her mouth to ask him what happened, Harry was the first to speak.

"Hermione, I… I know you want to help me and you would like for me to open up and tell you what is wrong, but…"

"Harry, do you want to talk about something?"

"Yes… No, I don't know, and I think I can't tell you." He said without looking at her.

"Why couldn't you tell me? I'm your best friend, Harry you know you can tell me anything, right?"

"Yes I know, but I… You would hate me if you knew."

"That, my dear Harry, is not something possible, I couldn't hate you. It simply will never happen."

"Hermione…" He said in a little voice "I… I think I'm a freak".

"Huh?" Was the most intelligent response Hermione could find. Did Harry Potter, defeater of dark lords just tell her he thought he was a freak?

"I think I'm a freak" he repeated, tears coming back in his eyes.

"And why would that be?" asked Hermione once she had recomposed herself.

"I can't tell you, you're the only true friend I have. I can't lose you."

"First, I already told you: you'll NEVER lose me, I'll ALWAYS be your friend. Second, you do have other friends: what about Ron? Or Ginny?" Hermione asked, even if she already knew the answer.

"Yeah, riiiight… You mean Mr-super-prat? The one who won't speak with me 'cause I'm Head Boy and he isn't? The one who tells the world how we couldn't have done anything without him? The one who gives interviews to the Prophet, telling them how stupid you are and how much of a coward I am? The one YOU dumped because of those same reasons? Do I need to continue?"

"Well, I guess you have a good point." Answered Hermione. "And what about Ginny?" She asked.

"Don't make me laugh please." He said "Little Miss-perfect-fan-girl-princess… I broke up with her not even two weeks after the final battle, she was always going with how much of a hero I am and 'What are we going to do for our wedding?'"

"I imagine… But you still have other friends you know… Neville and Luna for example."

"This isn't the same Hermione" he said with a sight "You, you are my best friend; you're the one that has always been there…"

"And as I already told you, I'll always be there" interrupted Hermione in a firm voice "So, stop evading my question. I can see that you want to speak to someone and you know very well that you want it to be me, so tell me what's wrong."

"Could… could you promise me you won't think any less of me?" asked Harry in a defeated tone.

"Stop being silly Harry, the only way that could happen would be for you to decide to become a new Voldemort. And even then, I would still listen to you to understand why you would do such a thing…" Seeing his face she added "Yes, I promise you. I won't think any less of you of you tell me what is bothering you so much."

"Okay" said Harry. "It's a long story though. And it isn't a good story either."

"Don't worry for me, Harry, I have the time, it's only 23.35"

"Guess I should start with the beginning hey?" He asked rhetorically "Well it begins the day I arrived at the Dursley after Voldemort killed my parents."

He took a little pause before continuing "You know already that my childhood was not really the best there is and I suspect you there are some things I never told you or Ron."

She nodded silently, not wanting to stop him.

"Guess you are really too clever, shouldn't surprise me… Well one of the things I never said, is that Vernon had a habit of beating me, usually something like once a week." Seeing her expression, he added "Ho, it wasn't as bad as one could think. I know it's bad to beat kids and all, but well, it could have been worse, at least it was just some kicks and that was all. Once or twice he used his belt, but it never came to knives etc… He just knocked me out before throwing me in my cupboard and that was it, never lasted more than 10 minutes…"

Hermione couldn't stay silent and she wrapped her arms around her best friend in a bone crushing hug worthy of Molly Weasley "I'm sorry Harry, no one should have to live through such things."

"Well it happened, what is done is done and I won't ever see him ever again, but that's only the beginning of my story…" Hermione let go of her hug but she still had her hand on his back, caressing him gently as you would do a child to sooth him.

"I think the worst was that they always called me 'Boy' or 'freak'… I didn't even know my own name before being five." He said with a sigh. Hermione could only continue to rub his back and let him tell his story.

"Well, after the Dursley, I arrived in the wizarding world and there came the title of 'Boy-Who-Lived'. One of the things that never gave me anything good in my life. With that, you know as well as me what happened in my years at Hogwarts… Snape, Malfoy, Voldemort, etc… now you can even add Ron to that list of people who hurt me."

Hermione could only nod. She still wasn't seeing where he was going.

"The last straw was after fifth year. After the DoM, when I came back to the Dursley." Tears began to appear in his eyes. "That summer was the worst of my life" he said. "I… Dudley, that big oaf, well can you imagine any girl ever wanting to be his girlfriend?" as she said no, he continued "You're right, and as far as I know, he never had one." He gulped "He… he couldn't get a girlfriend and he wanted… he…" he couldn't tell anymore as he was crying openly.

Hermione could only begin to imagine what happened as she engulfed him into another hug. "What happened Harry?" she asked him in the quietest voice she could while she herself was crying for her best friend.

"He… he raped me… He raped me Hermione… and I couldn't… do anything…" and he continued to cry on her shoulder.

After 5 minutes, Harry was a bit calmer "I never told you because I didn't remember anything. I asked professor Dumbledore to use a memory charm on me so I wouldn't remember when he came to collect me that summer. That's why we arrived so late at the Burrow that night. I never went with him to Slughorn's, it was just a memory he put there to explain why we were late…"

"The charm broke last year… with his death the charm was weakened and the first time I was near a dementor the memories came back to me. I… I couldn't tell anyone, it was too much and it wasn't really the best time to tell that to anyone, so I tried to deal with it but I don't think I did a good job… Every time I see a male, I 'freak out'. I know it's not normal, I mean, I know someone like your dad or Mr Weasley or George or Neville or even Flitwick would never do anything like this, but I can't…"

"It's normal that you feel that way, Harry" said Hermione "it's not your fault, and don't you dare blame yourself, okay? I'm here and I'll help you, everything will be okay…"

"That's why I accepted the Head Boy position you know… this way I'm not in a dormitory with other boys… Had it not been for that, I wouldn't have, it only adds to my fame."

"Harry" Hermione said finally "I won't let you down because of this, you are still Harry, my best friend. I don't think any less of you because of what happened to you…"

But Harry interrupted her. "I know… I knew this part wouldn't make you think any less of me, but it's… This isn't the end."

Her expression darkened trying despite her better judgment to find what could be even more horrible than what Harry had already told her.

Seeing this, Harry told her directly "No, don't think there was something more… No, no, this is all that happened, I promise."

"Then what?" asked Hermione "What do you think could make me stop being your friend?"

He sighed once again. "I… I came to some conclusions… It has been in my head for a while now… And I can't see a better solution to solve my problems… But it's not normal… It's freaky… And after you hear it, you won't want to be my friend anymore…"

"Harry James Potter, for the last time: You are NOT a freak, I AM your BEST FRIEND, I'll NEVER leave you! Understood? Now, tell me what has you in such a state."

"I can't, you wouldn't understand" he said.

"Try me!" she answered "Or at least, explain your reasoning so that I can understand you!" she added.

"Okay… I hope you'll still be my friend after that… Well, you know nearly everything that went wrong in my life as always been associated with the word 'male'. I mean, look, in my childhood, the Dursley always called me 'Boy', it was Vernon, a male, who beat me… I have examples of this for everything: Snape: male – Malfoy: male – Voldemort: male – Fudge: male – Dudley: male – Ron: male… and this title 'BOY-who-lived'… of course there were some problems with females too like Ginny, Skeeter and Lestrange… and there are good things coming from boys too, Sirius, Remus, Dumbledore… but in the long run, most good came from females like you and Mrs Weasley, while most of the bad came from males. And what is more, I find myself disgusted by boys, they think like pigs, always thinking with what they have in their pants…"

Hermione was quiet, trying to find something wrong from what Harry had said, but she couldn't, especially if she tried to see it from his point of view.

"And, well, there is also the thing with my father being such a jerk back in his fifth year… I saw him in Snape's memory, he was a bully, and people always say I'm like him. I don't want that. I know it's silly and not a good argument 'cause I don't have any other memories to show me something good about him and that he changed when he was older… But what I saw is that he was a jerk and that my mother was a good person, I can't forget this or feel differently. I know it's irrational, but I can't shake the feeling off."

"And then" he continued "I'm Harry Potter, hero of the wizarding world, most famous wizard alive, youngest order of Merlin first class ever… I can't even go out without being followed… As long as I am Harry Potter, I'll always be in the spotlight, never having a private life…"

He took a deep breath and looked at his feet "Everything has been in my head for more than a year Hermione" he said. "I… I've come to some conclusion. And I can't think of anything better for me. Of course it isn't totally perfect because it would create other problems, but I've looked it up in the library at Grimmauld place and there are solutions to those problems… I would have to go to America as it would be easier and I'll probably lose all my friends here…"

"Harry, tell me already" said Hermione interrupting his ranting.

"I want to leave Britain for America, change my name and use a potion to… become a girl… permanently"


A.N. Here you are. I think this isn't so bad for a first chapter. I never saw any stories where Harry actually wants to become a girl, and I think that what I wrote made sense, I hope you liked it, even if it's a bit short (but as it is just the introduction, it's kinda normal…)

This story won't stay depressing, in the next chapter Harry and Hermione will finish their discussion and decide what to do from there, so it will still be serious, but not depressing - I promise. It will become much more humorous when Harry and Hermione leave Hogwarts to leave for America. I have some good ideas that should really be much fun to write and to read.

Don't hesitate to review.

Thanks for reading

Lisy