SPIDERED (R)

Spoiler:  Butterflied

This story happens a week after the events of Butterflied and it's R because there's a little violence.

There are also some out of character reactions…

My English isn't that good, so please, be tolerant…

This story is told from Sara's POV

A doctor told me today that I'm developing an ulcer; that I should take care of myself, have some relaxing activities outside my job.

I kept answering 'I know, Doctor'; 'yes, Doctor', knowing all the time that what I really need is some resolution in my life.  Closure. 

I've had enough. I'm through with this 'hopelessly devoted' role I've been playing these past months. No more hoping that he'll ask me to work with him only to see him choose CSI Barbie Catherine Willows.  No more resenting my coworkers because he prefers to work with them.

No more crumbling self-esteem, I tell myself.

So I make a decision.  One that I've made before, only today I'm more determined.  This is it.  No plant will make me stay this time. 

But I can't stop loving him from one day to the next, and I can't leave just like that.  Not after what he said to Dr. Kyle.  I know that it sounds as if I'm about to cave in again, but I'm not. 

I just can't leave and then spend the rest of my life wondering if I should have done something else.

That's why today I followed him home after work.

I've been standing on the sidewalk for almost an hour, gathering courage, trying to compose a speech in my mind.

I take a few deep breaths and, before I panic and run away, I knock on his door.

He's puzzled when he sees me.

"Sara?"

"You got a minute?"

"No" he says automatically.

"Thanks!" I say, elbowing my way in. Fast, so by the time he reacts I'm already in the living room.  I notice that he's been listening to a relaxation tape.   He's been reading too, and drinking tea. I can't believe that he relaxes by sitting on that unbelievably uncomfortable couch. 

I'm about to touch the book that he left open on the coffee table when I remember that I practically forced my way into his home.

I turn and face him.  He's watching me, his face expressionless.

"I'm sorry," I say, trying to smile "It's just that I need to ask you something and-"

"If it's about a case, it can wait until tonight," he says firmly

"It's not about a case.  It's personal"

He nods but he looks as if he's bracing himself for something he won't like.

"I… I'd like to talk about you and me"

Grissom flushes but otherwise doesn't react to my words.  After a moment, he clears his throat.

"I think you should leave," he says calmly

"Not until we talk," I reply

He's annoyed but doesn't insist; he simply walks to the kitchen counter where he has left his pager and his car keys.  I am faster.  I snatch the keys out of his reach and hide them behind my back.

He gapes. For a moment there's anger flashing in his eyes and I start to wonder if I am playing with fire here.

"You're not leaving, Grissom" I say as firmly as I can  "I asked you to give me a minute-"

"And I said 'no', Sara" He says patiently,  "You can't enter my house like this and-"

"House, huh?" I interrupt "Has this ever been a home to you, Grissom?" I taunt, stepping closer to him, "Has it ever been anything but a place to hide from-"

"Fine," he interrupts, his voice still sounding annoyingly calm "You stay here if you want. I'll walk" He turns and marches to the door, but I run and block his path  "That's enough!" He warns, visibly fighting for control "Sara, you're over the line here!"

"We need to talk -!"

"Sara, there's nothing to talk about!"

"Do you love me?" I ask and he reacts as if I had slapped him. "Because if you do, we can work this out-"

"I'm…" he starts, then adds "I'm not discussing this here"

"Where, then?" I insist, but he ignores me. He just walks around me and goes to the door, but just before he touches the door knob, I'm there, blocking him.  I lean on the door,  silently daring him to touch me, knowing that's the last thing he wants to do.  Or maybe not.  He surprises me by grabbing my arm and shoving me away from the door.  I barely keep my balance but I manage to grab him by the neck of his shirt and to shove him back into the living room.

"Sara, for God's sake!" he hisses, really getting angry.  I brace myself when I see him coming and gasp when he roughly grabs my arm and drags me to the door; I use all my strength to pull away and manage to break free, but at the same time the keys fly out of my hand. We both watch them flutter in the air and then fall by the coffee table. I dive after them and so does he after a moment's hesitation.

I stretch my arms trying to get the keys but only manage to push them farther away; he tries to reach them, and I manage to block him until he simply grabs my shirt and pulls me away from the coffee table.

I'm mad now and go after him. 

We're practically wrestling, and while I have the training, he's angrier, so we're equals as we roll on the floor.  It's really a stupid fight because we'd never hit each other; we are just keeping the other from reaching those damn keys.

He finally grabs my arms and uses his body to keep me still.  I'm under him and for a brief  moment I muse about the countless times I've fantasized about this moment… 'Yeah,' I think, 'we're both breathless, locked in an embrace, and he's holding me tight…but in my dreams we never did this out of anger.' 

I stop fighting him.

He looks down at me and he flushes.

He's hard.  I thrust a little against him and he gulps.

"It's sad, isn't it, Grissom?" I whisper, bitterly "… that the only time we get to touch each other is because we're angry?"

For a moment he just closes his eyes. 

He sighs and rolls off me.  He gets up and stumbles to the door.  He opens it and waits there, not looking at me.

TBC