Mai and I are together. We have been together for over a year, but even I have to admit┘it▓s just┘..just not working. Nothing has changed between us, she is still just as blah, as she always was, which is cute, but tiresome. I am continuously busy trying to make peace, and on the odd occasion visiting the tea shop. Though, I have other reasons for visiting my uncle▓s tea shop.
A very pretty reason.
Oh, who the hell am I kidding?
When Mai is gone for awhile it▓s not her that I think about. I am the reason WE are not working out. I can go days without truly thinking of Mai, but I can not go a day without thinking about her.
Katara. Just thinking her name is a relief. Like the water she bends, her name, her face, her very scent seems to wash over me at odd moments.
I am sitting in my study contemplating her even now, even though I have documents, treaties, and other things that seem to pale in comparison to the thought of her swirling in my head.
The dark reds and browns of my private study are comforting they soothe me, but they also remind me of a different time, when I was just an angry prince, looking to restore my honor.
Azula was right about one thing.
I have to restore my own honor.
And I have.
So now what?

Would you mind if I hurt you?

I▓ll save you from the pirates.
What a dorky thing to say. I think back on it and have to beat myself up over it. I blackmailed her and tried to manipulate her. I hurt her, for my own purposes. Just like my father. I thought she was pretty even then. Nah...Who am I kidding? I thought she was beautiful, even back then. But my mind had been too focused on just one thing. The avatar, and my honor, I wanted to be back someplace where I would belong. I belong in the fire nation, protecting my country, and my people, I have what I need by my side.
Just not who I need.
At the siege of the north, I attacked her, and stole the avatar. I fought her, and hurt her, but even as we fought I was in awe. Back then, she wasn▓t particularly powerful bender. But I could see the power in her, the potential, each move of her arms, was beautiful, precise and free. She had the potential to be a waterbending master, no, not a master, a waterbending legend.
Back then I had hurt her very much, but she paid me back after she caught up with me, and knocked me out in one blow. I considered us even back then, when I had taken off. I was so wrong. Even then I knew it; I just didn▓t want to recognize it.

Understand that I need to The flame in my study gutters almost going out. I glance up at the minuscule flame and it stops. Almost as if my intense gaze is what keeps it going. The glow reminds me of the cave that I ended up in. the first time I had really gotten to know her. After I had first been betrayed by Azula, though that was no surprise. I was thrown unceremoniously into a dank cave lit up with green crystals, and landed at her feet.
She was very angry with me and I understand why, I do now at least. When she screamed then I told her she did not understand. She was not only voicing her personal anguish, but the voice of the people too. The only thing I thought back then was that she did not understand that the common people could never understand my plight. I was wrong.
When she told me of her mother, I was shocked it was indeed destiny for me to find someone else who shared a pain that was similar to mine. To top it all off she offered me something I had truly wanted. She would try and heal my scar. In the end I still betrayed her, and hurt her once again. This time her bending was very skilled. She was much improved, but then so was I.
That day I had ruined everything between us, though at the time it wasn▓t much.
When I finally joined her and the avatar, Aang it was with a new heart, that day my life truly began. At first I missed Mai but the truth is, I had longed to see katara▓s face. Her blue eyes that had once gazed at me so intensely, those gentle hands that had so tenderly touched my face, yet powerful enough to bring tidal waves crashing down upon an enemy she was the person I wanted to see most. I was however severely disappointed. She hated me or so I thought. I focused ob my duties to the avatar until I found a way I could help her. Together we tracked down the southern raiders, the group of fire nation soldiers, who at my fathers command had killed her mother. When we arrived at the ship she used a technique that frightened me to the very core of my being. She bent this man▓s body through his blood. That thought terrified me; she could at anytime do that to me or anyone. She was indeed very powerful We found the man who killed her mother, and confronted him; she was beautiful and terrifying in her anger. When she stopped the rain all around us she was so beautiful I was in shock, I truly realized then that I was in love with her; it was the way I felt about Mai but so much more intense an all-consuming fire within me. She forgave that man I was shocked, would I be able to do that, in the end? Could I forgive those who had made my life hell?
She was indeed a strong woman, I should have expected as much coming from the woman who taught Aang. When we returned she ran into my arms shocking me, I caught a fain scent of an ocean breeze, and was able to wrap my arms around her for only second before she pulled away, telling me she had forgiven me. I was overwhelmed with a feeling I hadn▓t known that was weighing me down.
I was forgiven.
Oh, thank you, Katara. I had not known I needed that but I had.

After awhile we searched for that avatar together when he disappeared. and protested our feelings, or at least mine. I could not confess my feelings to her, not on the eve of Sozin▓s comet. Not on the eve of war, I was not that childish. We went and saw that play, and I blushed through the parts with us, I was pleased when she did as well, and I was content to sit by her. During that play I realized something else; Aang was in love with her.
I could not steal his woman, he was the avatar, and he needed her more than I did. Even though I knew that, I hurt so badly.
I sighed, shuffling the papers on my desk trying to focus on them, but I couldn▓t. I stared into the flame with a pen poised to sign something, and spaced off. I couldn▓t stop thinking about her, and the decision I had to face now. ⌠I swear■ I mumbled ⌠facing Azula was easier than this.■ Azula.
That last battle with her was the most difficult, I was facing everything. My past, my pain, the rejection, all of it. At that time I knew I could let it all go, when I fought her I felt exalted that I knew I could win, I knew the real meaning of fire-bending, I had let go of my pain, I was ready to face Azula. She knew it, and like the conniving snake she was she attacked my heart, like always.
When she cast that lightning at Katara, I knew, without a doubt, that I had to save her. There was no other thought in my head. I screamed, ⌠Nooo!!■ and ran in front all I saw was a bolt of blue and Azula▓s psychotic face, twisted in an insane pleasure. Katara▓s face, what I could of it was shock, and surprise. I felt the lighting jolt up my arm, and I pulled it to myself I knew where it was going, to my heart. The pain was intense my whole body was absorbed with it, seconds of my life were gone in a wash of pain, I had rolled over, Katara was now fighting Azula, I struggled to reach out to her, I could not let her fight alone, I had to protect her I had thought. What a dumb way to think I knew she could protect herself, but still, I wanted┘.
It doesn▓t matter.■ I sighed out loud ⌠not now, anyways.■ ⌠What doesn▓t matter zu-zu?■ a female voice said behind me. I got up quickly, my velvet robe swishing around me, and stared at the woman who had once stirred my affections.
⌠Mai.■

Wish that I had other choices She stood there in her regular clothes, even this late at night. They suited her well, and hid her numerous knives, shuriken and other dangerous objects. She was holding a tea tray laden with fruits, bread, cheese, and tea. I took a step toward her, but she breezed past me, pushed the papers on my desk aside and sat the tray down. I turned and sighed, as I watched, her move toward me. It was now or never. This was going to hurt.
⌠Mai.■ I said calmly, but inside I was shaking in fear.
⌠Yes, zu-zu?■ she said sashaying toward me. That nickname clenched it though.
⌠Ummm■ I gulped. I still felt for her, but┘ no, I sighed to myself. I have to do this.
She wrapped her arms around me, and started to lean up for a kiss. I put my hand on her collarbone and gently pushed her, back from her tiptoes. Her face screwed up in a rare show of emotion, surprise. ⌠What▓s wrong?■ she asked, ⌠is it that I called you zu-zu?■ she said worriedly ⌠No■ I said exasperatedly, ⌠I mean yes! that▓s part of it, at least a little.■ I stumbled over what I was trying to say. She pulled her hands down and stared at me. There was a moment of silence between us. I stared at her, and really looked at her. Her amber colored eyes were staring at me in the beginnings of fear and confusion her long hair hung in it▓s usual style, it was practical, and pretty to a point, but it did not always suit her. She was pretty and always would be, but she did not stir my heart, not as she did when we were kids.
Not after I had fought with and beside Katara.
I was sad and regretful but I knew, and I knew from the look Mai was giving me that she knew too. She was trembling and afraid, finally showing her emotions in front of someone.
⌠Zuko...■ she said reaching up to touch my face, the same way Katara once had. I grabbed her slim pale hand and stopped her. ⌠Zuko■ she said again, ⌠please, tell me what▓s wrong tell me there is something┘■ she said trailing off ⌠I haven▓t said anything.■ I told her calmly. She bowed her, so that her hair hung in her eyes, not allowing me to see them. ⌠You never needed to.■ I knew then that she was crying, but she wouldn▓t let me see. She never would again. I knew.
⌠I wish that I had other choices.■ I told her, as if that would make things better.

Than to hurt the one I love

Mai▓s head jerked up and she glared at me tears sliding slowly down her eyes. ⌠You do have other choices!!■ her voice rose with each word. ⌠You could stay with me!■ ⌠Mai, I ┘■ I started to say ⌠You what Zuko?■ Mai said hoarsely ⌠why are you even doing this? What have I done that deserves this?■ My eyes shot up into my hairline, I had let my hair, down and at its new length (shoulder height) it was getting in my face. I brushed it aside as I chewed over my thoughts. This wasn▓t going like I had planned. I hadn▓t expected her to be so explosive over it. Of course I hadn▓t really expected to start it this out of the blue either. ⌠Mai┘┘it wasn▓t ...it isn▓t ┘..■ I said hesitantly ⌠Oh...what Zuko?! It is not me it it▓s you?!■ she stormed at me ⌠that is so clichИd!!■ she stopped and puffed a little bit. Her hair was coming down from its usual buns, leaving her face framed cutely. I sighed again this was getting harder by the minute. Mai continued to talk one minute angry, then quite, and then imploring me to tell her a way to fix this, slowly whittling away at my resolve.
I closed my eyes and thought, I needed a memory to strengthen my resolve, and the last part of that battle was a potent enough memory.
I was beginning to black out; the pain had gotten so bad that I was numb all over, the next thing I knew Katara was taking up most of my vision. I hear the sound of rushing water like a river or a spring; she was biting her lip in worry. It was adorable, and sad. The pain in my chest lessened, then ceased.
⌠Thank you, Katara.■ I told her, those first words out of my mouth, I had almost died.
Idiot. That▓s not what I had meant to say.
⌠I think I▓m the one who should be thanking you.■ She said to me tears running down her face.
She was so beautiful, but I did not reach out to her, I did not hold her like I wanted to.
She was Aang▓s. My heart told me different. ⌠Zuko!■ Mai▓s voice shot sharply through my memories. I looked at her and into her, eyes. She grabbed my wrists, and gripped them. ⌠Is there anyway we can be together, any way at all?■ ⌠┘no.■ I said to her after a short pause.
⌠Fine, I know enough about you not to keep going■.■ She sighed, this time, finally her tears stopped. Her eyes were wet still.
What have you done now?

⌠Goodbye Zuko.■ She said releasing my wrists she stood and stared at me.
⌠Mai...■ I said reaching out for her.
⌠No Zuko.■ She said, shaking her head her tears falling again. She was so pretty and at this moment so helpless I didn▓t mean to hurt her. We had been through a lot together, but I knew I didn▓t love her as much as I did Katara. I didn▓t want to hurt the one I used to love. Without realizing hot scalding tears rushed down my face. I opened my mouth too apologize, but what could I really say to make it better.
⌠You▓re the one breaking up with me.■ Mai choked out, almost in a half-laugh. ⌠You▓re not supposed to be crying.■ She grabbed my hand and looked me in the eye she took two fingers and put them on my lips.
⌠I loved you Zuko, but I don▓t want you to lie to me, I▓m glad that you haven▓t, but I▓m not going to forgive you this time.■ Her tears fell faster, she moved, her hand sliding out of mine and I turned to watch her go. She held her head high as she walked out, though I knew she was still crying, I knew once that wooden door closed behind her, she would run, and a part of me would run with her. Not, the most important part though, that part belonged to someone else.