This story was something that I wrote to break my writer's block and I quite liked it so I decided to post it. Hope that you like it. Very, very minor spoilers, but just thought that I should mention it.

Disclaimer: Merlin does not belong to me. However the story that I wrote does.


Merlin watched as Gwen was crowned Queen of Camelot and Arthur's wife. He was happy for them and cheered along with the others. They deserved this chance to be together and rule Camelot. Yet behind the thin layer of happiness, Merlin's sadness was carefully concealed. He had lost everyone that he cared about and he didn't want to lose Arthur and Gwen as well. Merlin scratched an itch on his arm. The shirt Arthur had given him for the wedding was formal and Merlin hated it. Arthur had listened to him complain and then walked away saying that if Merlin didn't wear it, he wasn't allowed to go to the wedding. Merlin had grudgingly agreed and put it on. It was a long red jacket that went halfway to his knees. Arthur had allowed Merlin to wear his neckerchief, for which Merlin was extremely grateful. The familiar rough cloth around his neck brought some comfort to the young warlock.

When the ceremony was over and the people began to come forward to offer their congratulations to their new queen, Merlin quietly slipped through the door of the Great Hall. He would speak to Gwen later. Right now, he just wanted to get away. Taking all the shortcuts and passageways, Merlin made his way to his room where he pulled off the offending shirt and put on his old one. He reached for his jacket that hung on the back of the door and put that on too. It felt good to be wearing his normal clothes again, even if Arthur would probably shout at Merlin for leaving. To be alone with his thoughts and feelings once again. After the battle in which they had retaken Camelot, Gaius had been constantly needing his assistance in treating people who had been injured. Then he had had to help Arthur prepare for the wedding and do all his usual chores. Merlin then remembered that he still hadn't finished his chores from yesterday and hurriedly made his way to Arthur's chambers. When he got there he found that he couldn't concentrate. Merlin lay back on his bed and began to finger the small dragon carving that his father had given him the day that he had died. He remembered the day vividly. He had found out that he had a father and then fate had taken him. Merlin blinked back tears as the memories washed over him.


"Have you seen Merlin?" Gwen asked Gwaine and her brother as the two came up to their King and Queen.

"He was standing right beside me during the ceremony. I haven't seen him since." Elyan told her. The two knights were some of the last to offer their congratulations and Merlin still hadn't appeared.

"When this is over, I'm going to go find him. Merlin doesn't run off without reason, and his reason had better be good." Arthur joined the conversation.

"Don't be so hard on him Arthur. I'll find him." She nodded to the knights. "You'll help too, I suppose?"

"Of coarse! What did you think?" Gwaine exclaimed before adding quietly. "Anyway, congratulations and all that. I don't suppose you have any ale left?" Gwen shook her head and Gwaine stomped off in a slightly bad mood. The other three couldn't help but smile. All Gwaine could think about was ale. After another twenty minutes, Gwen managed to escape and look for Merlin. The first place that she looked was Gaius's chambers. He shook his head before she could even ask.

"Gwaine and Elyan were just here, asking for Merlin. I haven't seen him." Gwen gave him a small smile and left. She ran in to the other knights in the courtyard.

"We've already looked in the stables, the armory, the kitchens, the tavern, half of the castle, Gaius's chambers and some of the guest rooms. We can't find him. He might be in Arthur's room, which is where we're going to now." Elyan told his sister when she asked.

"I'll come. Arthur might not take too kindly to you two barging in to look for Merlin. I fear to think of what he might do to you."

"Don't worry. The Queen won't do anything to us." Gwaine grinned.

"I'll have you know that I am the Queen and Arthur is the King."

"Great. Now we have two Queens ruling this kingdom." Gwaine's cheeky remark earned him a light slap from Gwen.

"You can take up the conversation with Arthur. Right now we're looking for Merlin." She retorted. By now they had reached the door to Arthur's chambers. Gwen gently pushed the door open, signalling to the others to stay outside. Opening the door enough to slid into the room she looked for the familiar brown jacket and black hair. The servant that she was looking for was in the least place that she expected. On Arthur's bed. The covers had been recently washed and the pillows fluffed. Merlin was curled up in the middle of the bed and was crying. She could hear his muffled sobs and could see his breaths rack his body. Quietly she made her way to the big four-poster bed and sat down beside her friend. His eyes were closed and the sheets were wet from his tears.

"Merlin." Gwen whispered as she brushed away some of his hair that was plastered to his forehead. Merlin's eyes opened but he showed no signs of surprise.

"Merlin. Why are you crying?" She asked still in the gentle voice that she often used. Merlin didn't answer.

"Merlin." She asked again. "Why are you crying? Why did you leave?" Merlin closed his eyes again.

"I had to." He managed to say. A fresh batch of tears began to flow down his face. Gwen wiped them gently away with her sleeve.

"Why did you have to?" Merlin opened his eyes and Gwen could see the sadness deep within them. It seemed to be never ending. They were the only thing that she saw. Bright blue eyes that were filled with sadness and pain. Behind the happy, clumsy manservant that she knew and loved, was another layer. A layer she thought that very few had ever seen.

Merlin finally sat up and Gwen gave him a hug. Merlin opened his hands to show her the dragon carving. She kept her arm around him and picked up the little wood figure.

"It's beautiful." She breathed, as she traced her fingers over each line, finely cut and whittled.

"My father made it for me, the day he died." Merlin stated, his voice hinting at his sadness.

"I thought you said that he died, and that you never knew him?" Gwen asked.

"That was before. I found him and met him and I had a father. He died the next day."

"Merlin. I'm sorry." She said, handing the figure back to the servant and giving him another quick hug.

"Don't be. No one knows, so I'm used to it by now."

"I'm still sorry. But I don't think that you have told me everything. Merlin, please tell me what it is. I want to help you." Merlin shook his head. He didn't want to tell Gwen that their wedding had upset him and that it had reminded him about Freya. He wanted her to be happy on her wedding day and not worried about him.

"Please Merlin. Please tell me." Merlin shook his head again, but this time slower as if he was indecisive. Gwen knew that she was getting somewhere. Merlin didn't deserve to have to hide stuff if it made him this sad and he needed someone to talk too. She had a feeling that Gaius knew but maybe that wasn't enough.

"Please?" She asked one last time. "Gwaine is outside the door and I'll ask him to come and knock some sense in to you." The ghost of a smile tugged at Merlin's face, but his eyes remained sad and lonely.

"Freya." He finally said.

"Who is she Merlin?" Gwen asked gently, aware that this was a delicate subject.

"Freya." He nearly choked on his words. "I loved her." Gwen had already figured this out by the way that he said her name. She had never heard him speak about anyone like this.

"Seeing Arthur and I get married. Is that making you sad?"

"I'm happy for you, but it's just reminding me of her." He was in tears again.

"Where is she Merlin? Is she a servant in the castle?" Merlin shook his head. "A peasant?" Merlin shook his head again. "Does she live in one of the villages? In Ealdor?" Hearing Gwen speak of her as if she was alive made Merlin feel as if a knife were twisting in his chest and wouldn't stop.

"No. She died."

"Merlin, why did you never tell anybody?" She was aware that Merlin had lost family, but the fact that he had hidden it from her for so long, amazed her. She watched him crying before she gave him a hug. She put his head on her shoulder and let him cry. His tears soaked part of her dress but she paid no attention. He needed to cry out his sorrows. Someone knocked on the door.

"Who is it?" Gwen asked.

"You know full well who it is Guinevere." Came Arthur's muffled voice from behind the door. Gwaine's voice could be heard having an argument with the King. It was something to do with having two Queens ruling Camelot. Gwen giggled.

"Will you just shut up, Gwaine!" Came Arthur's answer. "Please let me in Gwen, Gwaine is driving me mad!"

"Fine. Come in." The door opened to reveal Arthur in his ceremonial clothes. Gwen could tell he was surprised to find Merlin sobbing his eyes out and Gwen hugging him. He was about to say something before Gwen shot him a look to tell him not to interfere. Arthur raised his eyebrows before going to change in to his normal clothes.

Merlin struggled in Gwen's arms when he heard Arthur going to change his clothes.

"No, Merlin. Arthur can change himself for once." She whispered to him. Immediately Merlin stopped and his tense body relaxed and he began crying again. Sobs racked his body and Gwen felt as if she were holding an elderly person in her arms, so fragile and skinny he was.

It was a while before Merlin stopped crying and finally got up. Arthur had stayed the whole time, a slightly worried expression on his face. He didn't ask why, but he felt as if it was partly his fault that Merlin was so sad. Merlin had left dry-eyed and hadn't said a word, but he had given Gwen a small smile before he had disappeared in to the castle. And this time his eyes were also smiling.


If you want me to continue I will but this is (in my mind) completed. Please review...