He had been gone far too long, that I knew for sure. All I could do was sit at the desk, just stamping scrolls; I doubt I read even half of them. My mind was else where. He had made a bet with me, and so I should have been soothed, but my mind was a perilous mirrored maze, each mirror clinging to some image of him my memory could charm up. I've lost so many, all of them fading into obscurity, dear god, why did he go?
"Tsunade?" my head snapped as my name was called, it was only Shizune. She'd eye me, curious, a cup of sake in her hand.
"Sorry, Shizune, I was….engrossed in this, uh…" I lifted a scroll. "This!" I said triumphantly.
Shizune simply moved in closer, turning the scroll right side up, sighing softly at me. She set the cup at my left side, a hand resting on her hip. I hated when she gave me that look, it made me think perhaps we had been traveling together for far too long. Though I was beginning to think both she and Sakura knew me too well at this point.
"You didn't ask me for sake…and it's been several hours, Tsunade." Her eyes narrowed at me. "Are you worried about Jiraya?"
My hand slid along my forehead, resting on my cheek, the cheek he had so recently stroked. She had nailed it on the first try, which irked me to no end. She was sharp; it was why I liked her so much, after all.
"He's…been gone so long Shizune. Would it be wrong, or…or even foolish of me to send a team out to make sure he's alright. I mean, it's been days, and no word, no messages, no toads. Something's gone wrong, I, can feel it in my blood, Shizune." My hand shifted to the sake though I just swilled it within its porcelain cup.
She shook her head to me, placing the scroll back onto the table. Her dark eyes turned to the door. Sometimes, I found myself wondering why she had stuck with me all those years. Why any of them had. Jiraya, he had always returned to me, always thought of me, even when I never gave him the time of day.
"Why not take tonight off, Tsunade, sleep?" she'd enquired. I just nodded, mostly because I hadn't the energy to do much more then that. She tugged my chair out of the desk, ushering me out. "Be well, Tsunade."
I headed up to my room, slowly slumping into my bed. Reaching over, I grasped what had been his old Jounin vest. How long had I had this? It escaped me then, it must have been years, perhaps even before Orochimaru had betrayed us. My eyes filled with tears, I never let anyone see me cry…but he had, that bastard of a toad sage…he'd seen me cry three times now. Once for Dan, once for my brother, and now….now once for him.
I could recall our training together, our laughs, our decisions, his disgusting womanizing habits. Never had I…had I missed him. So why now, why did I long for him now, of all times. Was it because I secretly feared he might not return? Maybe… or more likely, I was finally able to accept how I felt, how he'd always felt.
Clinging to that vest, lifting it to my nose and inhaling, I whispered, prayed, so quiet I might not have known I'd said it.
"Please...Jiraya, come back to me…." closing my eyes, cradling that vest closer, and falling into a fitful, nightmare filled sleep.
