Thanks for taking your time to read.

"Just what the hell is that thing?" Renji was pointing a somewhat accusing finger at the green stick, though the thing had done him no harm, his award-winning eyebrows arching suspiciously.

"This?" Ichigo smiled playfully and threw up the cucumber he was holding for his redheaded friend Renji Abarai to observe, proceeding to catch it with a graceful motion behind his back. "It's a vegetable, you stupid idiot."

Renji balled his fists. "Who're you calling a stupid idiot, you freakish-eating bastard?"

"Get a hold of yourself, Renji," Ichigo advised. "Come on, it's just a vegetable." Ichigo swiftly shoved the cucumber between his eyes, allowing it to rest on the bridge of his friend's nose.

Renji crossed his eyes, alarmed, and quickly staggered back. "Get that mutated object away from my sniffing zone!"

"It's friendly," the substitute soul reaper added unhelpfully. "I promise it won't bite you."

Renji's hand had already resourced to gripping the hilt of his sword. Ichigo, making a mental note to try this more often on the redhead, spun the vegetable and released it flying in the air. Instantly, Renji's zanpakuto arced across the air and connected with the airborne cucumber, directly in the center. Ichigo watched as the green vegetable split in to two parts, as if he were watching a clip in slow motion, revealing its lighter interior, as the two parts landed with an unheard thump on two opposite sides of his skeptical soul reaper friend.

Renji prodded the side of the vegetable slice to his right, studying its insides from a safe escape distance. "Are those its sabotaged guts I just cut in half?"

Acting as though he didn't hear him, Ichigo crouched down and carefully picked up the cucumber Renji was poking at with his katana-shaped zanpakuto. He studied the insides of it, successfully maintaining a sturdy composure and serious expression, and sighed with exasperation. "Yeah, bravo, Renji. Now that it's dead... who knows what hideous monster it'll transform in to."

Renji looked utterly horrified, only to be blown by a clean wash of Ichigo's undying laughter.

"T-tell me, Renji," he managed to muster in between fits, "are all soul reapers this clueless when it comes to cucumbers?"

Renji was red with rage. "Why, you little-"

"Can't- can't wait to tell Rukia." Hardly able to calm his own laughter attack, which was gradually being replaced by abrupt hiccough spasms. "She'll be laughing her ass off to next week."

"Don't you- don't you dare, dammit" Renji's balled fists shook violently. His sword dipped to the ground. "You no-good bastard, I'll get you for this."

But it was too late to shut off the spark of mischief that arose in Ichigo's mind. After a moment of thought, he gripped Renji's shoulders to steady him and grinned.

"I offer a proposition," he said, and went on to explain his plan.