DISCLAIMER: I don't own these characters. Star Trek is Paramount and Redwall is Brian Jacques.

Of Redshirts and Redwall

Chapter 1

Captain's log-Stardate: 8472429 We have come upon an M class planet much like Earth. Scans show the terrain is much like England. End log.

"Number one. Report to the bridge. Picard out." Said a perpetually peeved bald man, tapping the comm badge on his tunic.

On the bridge Diana Troi and her on-again-off-again-lover Commander Riker were waiting for Picard to come out of his ready room.

"Now, I say we should wait for the scans to be complete." Said Troi in a voice so calm only a Betazoid could manage.

"What are you two talking about? I don't like secrets!" Picard said as he entered the bridge.

"Oh, nothing Captain, Just that I think we should investigate this planet. It might make a suitable base for Starfleet." Answered a flustered Riker.

A flash of light appeared and all present groaned as that could mean only one thing.

"Q! Why must you pester me so?" Screamed Picard as a man appeared beside the Captain.

"Mon Capitan, why do you act so touchy all the time? Is it because of your baldn-"

"Don't try to make me self-conscious of myself again! Last time you did that I ended up with Data's cat using my head as a scratching post." Picard finished.

"Why would I bring that up? By the way is Ginan on board? No I didn't think so. That's good." Q said as he snapped his fingers. Everyone flinched expecting to be in a Q torture, but found that nothing had changed.

"Sir, we have a problem in engineering! Spot is chasing us and he's huge and he looks hungry! AAHHHH!" The intercom went silent.

"Hmm, that was odd. I will send a security team to engineering to sort this out. This tunic is itchy today." Picard said as he scratched at his arm and his fingers met fur! In fact the bridge crew all seemed to have changed into animals. Worf, who was conveniently visiting the Enterprise, walked onto the bridge. Instead of the evil looking Klingon, an odd badger with the ridges accented with the stripes.

"Sir, we have a problem in engineering! Spot has grown in size and has eaten Ensign Chan. Why are you looking at me so strangely Captain?" Reported the Kling- er, badger.

"Worf, please report to my ready room. Now!" Ordered Picard.

In Picard's ready room he had a mirror placed on the wall. "Q will pay for this! He changed my crew into animals. And why did he have to make me a bald mouse?" He fumed. As he looked into the mirror, the reflection he saw was not the Captain he knew, but a gray mouse with no fur between his ears.

"Sir, what in the name of-" He never finished his sentence because he saw his reflection and saw he was the ugliest badger to grace the Alpha Quadrant. "Is this the work of Q, because if it is than I will rip him to pieces!"

"Temper, temper you ugly dog. Or should I say stripe dog. Hahahaha!" Picard and Worf both knew what that meant. Q was back, but he had changed too. He now looked like a brown river otter. "Do you like my new look? I thought an otter would be appropriate, or should I go as a fox?" As quickly as he appeared he changed into a red fox. "Or maybe a sea otter, complete with eye patch!" He changed again to an otter but much scruffier and he had patch over one eye.

"Q! Why did you change my crew into animals?"

"Well I'm glad you've memorized one twenty-sixth of the Roman alphabet! And to answer your question: Your going to visit that planet. That's right, I'm helping someone besides your Data and my Kathy." Suddenly Q got a dreamy look in his eyes.

Just as suddenly, the red alert klaxons were going crazy. "Red alert, red alert." Said the overly calm voice of the computer who sounded strangely like that of Gene Rodenbury's wife from the twentieth century.

"Captain, there is Borg Cube heading this way! Scratch that, they launched a Sphere at the planet!" Jordy called over the comm.

"If you have anything to do with this-"

"You'll do what? Are you forgetting I am omnipotent? Anyway, you know I hate the Borg!"

Why did the Borg launch a Sphere at the planet? Find out in the next Chapter titled "Sphere's Johnny" or "Here's Looking at Q!"

No Ensigns were harmed in the making of this fic.