A/N: I know I have so many stories going right now, but I wrote this along time ago and I wanted to post it. I have a music video on youtube that goes along with it, called fields of innocence. there's the link if you want to watch it. It depicted how the story would end, but i've come up with another idea for the ending. So anyway I hope you like this story and I'm sorry if it goes too fast but I'm sure you've seen worse.
Oh and this takes place after Anywhere I lay my Head. Time stands still and back in black wont happen.
Things had been going great between Sean and me since I moved in with him. But then, one night, the inevitable happened. Two teenagers, completely in love, sharing an apartment, things were bound to get physical sooner or later. And there was nobody there to stop us. It was the most beautiful thing ever. The way he touched me made me feel every ounce of love he had for me.
The weeks following that night, we were closer than ever. Until I realized that my period hadn't come yet, and I noticed I was throwing up a lot. I didn't say anything to Sean, because I didn't want to worry him. This kind of thing would have freaked him out.
I stood in our bathroom one night while Sean had gone out to the store. The pregnancy test lay in front of me but I didn't want to look at it. I didn't want it to be true. I felt stupid for getting myself into a situation like this. The timer had gone off well over five minutes ago, and I still couldn't get the courage to look at it. I closed my eyes and picked it up. I looked down at it, opened my eyes and almost dropped the test. Two lines. Two lines meant positive. Positive meant...
Suddenly I felt sick to my stomach. The room started to spin. I grabbed on to the sink to steady myself. My hand clutched my stomach. This can't be happening. This could not be happening. I looked down to double check. There were still two lines.
My head was swirling with a thousand questions.
"Ellie, I'm home," I hear Sean say.
The room started to spin again.
"I'm in here," my voice was shaky.
"Ellie, are you okay?" he asked. I heard him come to the door. "Are you cutting?" He opened the door and the test fell from my hands.
I just looked up at him. I didn't know what to say or what to do.
"What's going on?" he asked, his eyes traveling from the test on the floor to the empty First Response box on the bathroom sink. "What's going on?" he asked again, his voice sounding more panicky.
I opened my mouth to say something but no sound came out. I felt like a deer caught in somebody's headlights. "I'm pregnant," I finally managed to blurt out.
A look of shock washed over his face. "You...you can't be..." he stopped.
"What am I going to do?" I asked him.
"It's okay," he told me. He moved toward me and wrapped his arms around my shocked body. "We'll get through this together." If only I had known how wrong he was.
Sean and I hadn't talked about anything. We hadn't slept either. We had just lain there, next to each other. Not sleeping but not talking either. I've heard the pregnancy can bring people together. But already I felt a rift growing between us.
"We should take you to see a doctor," Sean said finally, around three a clock in the morning.
"I don't want to go to the doctor," I told him. "I just want this to be a dream. I want to open my eyes any minute now and wake up."
He looked over at me. "Is this such a bad thing?" he asked. "I know it's unplanned, but it's our baby."
I couldn't look him in the eyes. How could I tell him that , right now, at sixteen, it was such a bad thing? How could I tell him that I wasn't sure I wanted to have it?
"Maybe I should go to the doctor," I replied instead, trying to change the subject. I felt his eyes on me, but I didn't turn to look at him. I didn't want him to see what I was thinking. I didn't want him to know.
I managed to get to sleep sometime around six. Neither of us bothered to go to school. How could school possibly seem important with something like this on our minds?
Sean called and made me a doctor's appointment for two o'clock. Then he went to the kitchen and started making eggs, even though it was noon. He set the plate of scrambled eggs down on the table and poured a glass of milk. "Come eat," he said.
"I'm not hungry," I told him. The mere thought of food made me sick to my stomach. The smell was already starting to get to me.
"You know you need to eat," he said softly.
I reluctantly went to the table and tried to eat the eggs he had made me. He sat down across from me.
"I can't believe this is happening," I told him.
"I know," he said softly. "I can't believe we're going to be parents."
The words were terrifying. Parents? I still hadn't fully recovered from cutting myself and now I was going to be somebody's parent? Responsible for their health and safety and happiness? I couldn't do it. I could not raise a baby.
"We may not have to be," I told him.
"What?" he asked in disbelief. "You're not seriously thinking of..."
"Getting an abortion," I finished for him.
"Ellie, you can't," he said. "How can you even think of such a thing?"
"I can't be a mom, Sean," I said, my voice was trembling, "I can't do this."
"Ellie, you can't kill my baby," his words stung at me.
Of course I didn't want to get an abortion. But I didn't see any other way. I couldn't be a mom. I couldn't carry a baby for nine months to give it to somebody else. I just couldn't.
"I can't talk about this right now," I said to him. "Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go throw up because your baby is making me really nauseous this morning. "
