AN: What started out as a little drabble became an epic stream-of-consciousness poem from the eyes of Dudley Dursley. If you enjoy this, you should read my fanfiction, Recall Alice When She Was Just Small.
Summary: Follow a very candid Dudley Dursley's thoughts from three years old to age eighteen, from nursery school until after DH time.
Rating: Teen, for a few swearwords, drug use and mentioned sexuality
Timeline
Nursery School
I am Dudley Dursley
I am three
I do not like to share my toys
My cousin Harry is small
I like to pinch him but not too hard
We walk to the bus stop
We watch out for cars
I like snack time
A boy calls me fat
so I shove a crayon in his nose!
I do not like the teacher
She says No so much!
Piers Polkiss lives down the road
We play in the sandbox
Harry watches
Mum grabs him by the arm
I don't know why
Primary School
Mum and Dad say Harry is not good
I don't like when he makes them mad
I have to teach him a lesson
I do not like school
They call me fat!
I do not like running
Piers and me trade lunches
Harry sits alone
Piers and me say hi to these other boys
Soon we are friends
We like to get the kids who make fun of me!
We like to grab them
I punch them!
Harry gets in trouble a lot
So we chase him, too
He does weird things
At home I like to watch the tele
I like to eat
I like to see Harry be told he is bad
Then I can be Mummy and Dad's favourite!
First Year
The summer before now was stupid
Letters rained into our living room
A snake attacked me and Piers!
No one looked at me, they all asked Harry questions
I did some bad things so they would see me again!
I made myself puke all over!
I threw my turtle and I liked to hit Dad with my Smeltings stick
…but none of this worked
Dad went mad! And nailed a lot of holes in the walls
(Mummy was angry)
And they told me to pack because we are driving away
And then I got in trouble!
I hate Harry
What kind of summer
is that?
I asked Mum "Why did this happen?"
She says: Because Harry is a freak
Harry got sent to some special school and I got a pig tail that I'm
not supposed to talk about from some weird man and I was SCARED
We had to make up some story to my doctor and now he thinks I'm a freak too
I hate doctors
I hate Harry
I didn't like having a pig tail. It hurt my bottom.
--
Smeltings is dumb but I can't say this because
Dad is in love with it or something
I have to walk up so many stairs for class
There are boys there who call me fat
And 'whale'
So I punch them! Piers, Malcom, Gordon and Dennis do too
They came to Smeltings also because everyone thinks it's a nice school
Whatever!
I say school is a waste no matter what!
But I will not tell this to Dad
--
Christmas hols is fun because since Mum and Dad are so mad
that Harry is a freak, I get A LOT of presents!
Aunt Marge drinks too much
Mum gets quiet and does dishes
Even when there aren't any
I watch tele
And I really like to eat
Second Year
I don't feel well but I don't tell Mum about this
It is lots of work to walk upstairs to my room
I feel hungrier and hungrier
She calls me a growing boy
I feel sick a lot
Harry is a wizard (?)
He threatens me! A lot! Even when I don't do anything!
He said he'd set a bush on fire
That's… weird
He makes me mad
So I try to leave him alone
This is hard because I want to ask him about his stupid school
But I won't tell Dad or Mum about this
Harry ruins a pudding
It is a waste of a very good pudding!
That makes me mad
And he leaves in a flying car…
Yes, a flying car
Why am I related to him!!?
Life sucks
--
Smeltings is okay, I guess
Too much homework in my opinion, and the same kids
Say the same things
All I want to do is sleep or play and they are asking me to do homework!?
School is a complete waste of my time
Piers agrees
We learn in History about boycotts
We are thinking that is not such a bad idea
Dennis and them, they are sort of annoying
But I keep them around
Third Year
Why doesn't everyone just leave me alone?
All I want out of summer is to be able to watch television in peace, play my video games, and stay at home
I DO NOT want to see my friends
I DO NOT want to talk to Harry
And I DO NOT want Aunt Marge to visit, but she does anyway
Before she comes, I tell Mum I need another tele
because it is very difficult to have to get food from the kitchen and walk back to the living room, so we set one up on the counter, and this makes my life a lot better because then I don't have to waste my time walking from room to room
I don't even know what I watch on tele anymore but it's better than listening to all of them
The only good thing about Aunt Marge's visit is that Mum makes a lemon meringue pie and then for some reason, Harry makes her so big she floats away and then I don't have to see her
And then Harry leaves!
It's a pretty good deal
If you ask me
--
I HATE SMELTINGS
I HATE IT!
I cannot focus on anything the teachers say; they're stupid wankers, the whole lot
Dennis, Malcom, Gordon and Piers are just mental and I still hang out with them but they are bothering me because they are in good moods!
Every time I walk from class to class, I get made fun of
I feel so tired
I have to eat as much as I can at lunch, breakfast and dinner
or else it's not worth it
And then, one day, the worst happens
I am trying to get dressed for class and I pull up my trousers
…and they won't fit
(no matter what I do)
I don't like to say it
But I feel like crying because I'm so angry
I decide not to go to class and say I'm sick
Then, I have to talk to the office and I tell them
That their stupid uniform isn't big enough
…and they tell me they don't have sizes bigger than what I had
They say they are calling Mum and Dad
They tell me to go to the nurse
I don't want to. They can't make me
Until they have her take me out of class
She tells me I have a serious problem, and that I need a diet
Only girls need diets
I hate Smeltings
So I beat up this kid by myself
Just because
Fourth Year
I've never eaten such horrible food in my life
I am being starved
Harry keeps laughing at me
Then his friends from his stupid freak show school come
And I really want this piece of candy
AND IT MAKES MY TONGUE GET BIGGER!
I HATE THEM
All I wanted was something besides grapefruit
Mum says she's going to make it all better
I'm really not so sure
--
I get harassed daily and I have to eat special food
Piers, Malcom, Dennis and Gordon stick up for me
We all hate the world
The nurse is such a bitch
She tells me I'm in control now
I tell her I always was
She laughs at me
You do not laugh at Dudley Dursley
Anyone can tell you that
I have to take walks
And run
I hate her
--
The coach's name is Mr. White
He tells me he likes my "stature"
He asks if I've ever watched boxing
I shrug. It's okay
He asks me to join boxing
I tell him I don't know
He tells me he's required to put me on the team
So I can "lose weight"
So I spend a whole two days wondering
Why would he ask me when he is just gonna tell me I have to anyway
Adults are fucked up
But boxing is actually pretty cool
Even though I have to do all kinds of stupid exercise
I lift weights in the weight room
At first it's hard
But then I can lift a lot
I like to compete
I get to hit people and it's okay
I learn which kind of fighter I am
I'm a slugger
I work on my jabs and hooks
I have a great right hook
I hope I give someone a concussion
Year Five
I've won the championship for boxing in Surrey
I knocked this sixteen year old out
I got a trophy and a medal
Dad is really proud of me
I'm almost happy about it
I know I dieted but I feel bigger
I have a lot of muscle now
And I got taller
My mates and I like to hang out at the play park
We like to throw gravel at stupid little kids
And chuck rocks at cars
And beat up people who mess with us
We are smokers now and we steal fags from the corner store off Magnolia
This kid we know sells pot
And sometimes when it's too hot, we pool our quid and take hits
Everything seems kind of funny then
But so sweaty
Then I feel like I have to eat
Almost as bad as when
I was a kid
The park gives me a headache on those days
The merry-go-round spins
We sit on it and yell cuss words
Sometimes girls come and talk to us
They are small and I want to do stupid shit in front of them
They laugh a lot
And call me "Big D" which is my boxing nickname
I tell Piers I know a lot about fucking when really I don't
I think I have a boner twenty-four hours a day
And I need to get laid
--
Then Harry makes everything weird
And calls me names
But I have something on him
'cause I've heard him yelling in his sleep
About his mum and his daddy and some bloke named Cedric
When I call him on his shit it makes him angry
And…
I don't know what happens next
Because it gets very cold and fucking like, I don't know
Like I feel horrible
I swear Harry's doing it to me because he has his stupid wand out
I punch him
We are falling then
Or at least I feel like it
When I am lying on the ground, there is someone above me that I can't see
I can hear shit but I don't know…
I suddenly think of every horrible thing that's happened
Like not being able to fit into my Smeltings uniform
And every kid I beat up ever
And pushing Harry down the stairs
And making life hard for Mum when she never goes against me
I am mean and angry
…I wonder if this is how I look to everyone else, like, I can see myself clear in my mind and I'm
hard to get along with and sort of horrid-seeming
And I don't think I'm really like that, but still, it makes me sick
And suddenly I'm home, and I am puking everywhere for real
I've never felt so sick
I want to kill myself
I think I need to go to bed
Please don't let me be how I looked in those thoughts…
Mum says she is going to make everything all better
I want to believe her
She says it was The Dementors…something else to do with my cousin
I wish I would have given him a concussion!
--
I don't think much about school
I still feel weird
I keep looking in the mirror and hoping I'm not as gross as I looked in those thoughts
What does Harry think he's playing at, anyway?
I keep up with my boxing
I learn to quit being so hard about punching
It's only a sport
It's not worth that
I hate how I seemed
I can't stop thinking of all the times I did such stupid shit
Year Six
When I see Harry, I want to ask him about the memories I had
About the Dementors
But he's never keen on talking to me
So I pretend I don't care
Some wackjob comes from his school
And tells Mum and Dad that I'm mistreated
(Great. Something else to think about!)
I wonder if he means that I've turned out bad
And it's their fault
Well
I don't want to turn out bad
--
Every time I get angry, I go on a run and bring weights
Sometimes Piers comes
Dennis, Malcom and Gordon are retarded
We dropped them
Piers annoys me still but I need someone to talk to
We never really had anything in common, besides him holding down
kids for me to punch
So we really have nothing to say to each other
I still love food
But I've gotten to the point where I don't think about it all the time
I listen to music more than watching television
But I also look at a lot of porn
I have to laugh when I think about what Mum would say
--
I lose weight, but I'm still huge
I still feel fat but I'm in shape
It's okay to get up and down stairs
I realize that Smeltings is not all that stupid
I really wasted time complaining about so much shit
I think about Harry
And realise he saved me from those things
I blamed him for that, too
I feel bad
--
On Christmas hols, I help Dad put up the tree
He kicks it a lot. I try not to laugh—I'm glad I don't have that much of a temper
Afterward, he thanks me and we go on a drive, just me and Dad
We don't say much
Mum and I go holiday shopping together. I hate shopping, but she has fun, so that's okay
She tells me about Mrs. Next-door, and the prime minister, and the prices that keep
Going up
Aunt Marge comes for Christmas and I don't let Dad keep giving her brandy
It's a lot nicer this time around
--
I don't beat up one person this whole year
And even though I hate homework, I do it (sometimes)
When I look in the mirror, I can see that I am getting happier
And maybe that means I'm not going to turn out bad
Year Seven
When I see Harry, I don't know what to do
Obviously, he doesn't give a shit about what happens to me
Because we don't have a very lovely relationship, one might say
He also doesn't know I am trying very hard
So I make it clear about what I'm doing
In the morning, I try to leave tea outside his door…
But, when I see him, he doesn't say anything!
I have a hunch that Mum is taking away the tea
Before he sees it
I even say "good morning" to him
He looks surprised
So I end up leaving him alone
He tells all of us that because he is famous
and because he is wanted by some dark thing (I know, right? Harry!)
that we will have to be taken away by these magical people and be put in a safe place
Dad is angry
Mum is quiet
I say nothing and pack
The way I see it, it's the only way for us to be safe
And I don't think Harry would lie about something like that
Even if he hates us
--
I remember now when we packed to hide from all the owls and letters
And I tried to stuff my tele, games and everything into a suitcase
This is sort of funny now
Because I don't even care about anything like that anymore
Mum and Dad have told Smeltings that we are taking a "mandatory year off
to become more educated about the world"
That is the most hilarious thing I've heard in my life
Smeltings sends me some maths to work on and a few books to read
But I'll still have to take a few courses when we get out of hiding
Still, a cut in homework? I'll take it.
All I bring with me is my music, my weights, and school things
--
When it's time for us to go
I'm confused
I thought Harry was going to come in hiding with us
And then I could slowly start talking to him
But he isn't
It takes me awhile, but finally, I manage to tell him
That he isn't a waste of space
He seems to think that we all think that
But I don't.
He is shocked a little bit
I tell him he saved my life back with the Dementors
And I want to say a thousand things
but I don't want to look too stupid
Or emotional
Mum embarrasses me with her crying! But she can't help that
Dad is confused, as always
Harry looks at me like always, but he seems okay with me
Maybe I'll see him when the whole war is over
I hope he survives
We didn't get this far
For him to just die on us!
I give him a hand shake
His hand is still rather small
With that, it's time to go and on the way to the place,
Mum says nothing
Tears are pooling down her face
I keep my arm around her.
One Year Later
We've learned a lot about each other
And magic
Dad still thinks it's preposterous but he doesn't twitch as much
He seems to understand that they protected all of us with everything they had
Mum was quiet a lot of the time
We see in the wizard's newspaper, The Daily Prophet
That Harry lived and won that war
When we are able to move back into Privet Drive
I ask her if we should invite Harry over
And she just says "Give him time"
Not 'no'
Not 'absolutely not'
Just "Give him time"
And then Dad says:
"I hope he cut that dreadful hair of his."
I guess some things
Can never change.
/fin
