*****
The Secret Lives of the Gung-Ho Guns
Part
One- Zazie
By Miyako Inoue, Queen of Cheese, Sole Holder of the Right
to Glomp Zazie, and Supreme Ruler of All Things That Say "Myaa..." no da.
*****
It was a
day. Just a day. No one really knew if it was summer or
winter or what, because things like that tended to stay the same in the
wonderful world of Trigun.
But
anyway, the suns were shining, the sky was blue, and the air smelled like warm
root beer. And the tigers and the
leopards played their ukuleles all day long, and anyone on the street would
gladly shave your back for a nickel.
And
Zazie, cute, sweet, little inocent adorable guy that he is, was turning
10. And being cute. It's just what he does. Don't question the higher powers, guys.
But
anyway, no one had wished him a happy birthday. POOR BABY!!! HE'S
SOOOOOOO CUTE!!! HOW COULD THEY BE SO
MEAN?!?! WAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!
Ahem...
anywho...
Zazie the
Beast was walking down the street, in his CUTE little cowboy outfit, being
cute, while I tried to control my urge to hug him and yell at the top of my
lungs in a high-pitched girlish voice, "ZAZIE ZAZIE ZAZIE ZAZIE ZAZIE ZAZIE
ZAZIE ZAZIE ZAZIE!!!"
Did I
mention that Zazie is cute?
I think I
did.
Hopefully
soon I can get on with the story.
Zazie's
cute, ya know.
So
cuuuuuuuuuuuute...
C-U-T-E!!! That's how you spell ZAZIE!!!
Have you
hugged your Zazie today?
Thought
not.
Because
there's only ONE Zazie!!! And he's
MINE!!! ALL MINE, YOU HEAR ME! AND YOU CAN'T HAVE HIM!!!
So MAKE
7UP YOURS!!!
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! *cough hack choke gag sputter wheeze faint
die*
Anyway...
Zazie was
depressed. And cute. Mostly cute, with a little depressed on the
side, extra pickles, hold the onions, and can you make the potatoes a salad? I'll have that to go.
All the
rest of the Gung-Ho Guns had shoved him out the door this manyana.
-Flashback-
"You need
to... uh... GO now, Zazie," said Legato.
"Why?"
asked the cute confused little boy.
Midvalley
and E.G. Mine grabbed him by the arms and hauled him out the front door.
"Because,"
said Knives. "We need like 50 dozen
things of Bisquick-"
"And a
purple three-eyed cat with green polka dots!" interjected our friendly
neighborhood Hornfreak.
Then they
slammed the door in his face. And Zazie
heard the lock lock. Because that's
what locks do. They lock. And Zazie heard it do just that.
-End
Flashback-
Well, to
make a short story even shorter, Zazie didn't get any Bisquick. Or a cat.
But he
had a dollar. So he got a party hat
(which he looked oh-so-very-cute in as it was blue) and one of those little
twirly thingies on a stick.
He stood
at the front door of the house. Zazie
half-smiled. "Yeah, the big one-oh."
He walked
inside. None of the lights were
on. "Huh," he said. "That's strange." He flicked on the switch.
"ZAZIE!!!" All the Gung-Ho Guns popped out from behind
the couch.
"YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!!!!"
Zazie clutched his chest and fell to the ground.
Everyone
gathered around him, eyes wide with amazement.
"Is he
okay?" asked Dominique.
"Do you
think we killed him?" asked Rai-dei.
There was
silence.
Then
Midvalley shouted, "Let's poke him with sticks!!!"
-10
minutes later...-
Poke. Poke. POKE!
Zazie's
eyes snapped open as E.G. jabbed him in the side.
"Oww..."
Legato
jumped... well, actually, skipped... okay, PRANCED around the room. "Yay! Z-chan's conscious again!"
Legato
came back over to where (cute, sweet, little) Zazie lay. "We forgot to tell you something," he said.
Zazie
blinked dazedly. "Huh? What?"
Everyone
took a deep breath.
"HAPPY
BIRTHDAY, ZAZIE!!!"
His face
lit up (KAWAII!). "You remembered!"
"Of
course we did!" said Knives. "We even
bought you a gift to commemorate the occasion."
"Really?"
asked Zazie. "You didn't have to."
"Get ready,
Midvalley," Legato said.
Midvalley
walked over to the wall, where there just happened to be two levers. Everyone backed away from Zazie.
"Pull the
lever!" yelled Legato.
Midvalley
grinned, and pulled the left lever.
With a
very unpleasant splatting sound, a huge pink cake fell on Zazie.
Legato
sighed. "Wrong lever."
Zazie's
head popped out of the blob that would be a cake. "Woah... chocolate..."
He then
proceeded to pass out.
Everyone
glared at the now very embarrassed Hornfreak. He grinned sheepishly.
Knives
looked at Legato quizzically. "Why do
you even have that lever?"
Legato
shrugged.
Myaa...
(Translation: The end.)
