Oktober, 26th:
I went through Innail, in search for the study of my teacher Dernhil. He was a handsome, friendly and above all a very patient man. He's calm, caring, loving, understanding and forgiving. He's a good teacher and not like Indik at all. I arrived at the study and went in. He looked up from his books and smiled at me. 'Maerad. I thought Cadvan would never let you come here. You're late.' He stated friendly and with a really beautiful smile on his face.
'Hello Dernhil. I'm sorry, he was telling me such wonderful stories about Innail and about bards and about…' I stopped and looked at his face he seemed curious and interested in what I was telling him.
'And? What else did he tell you?' He said softly.
'About your competition with him.' I said and was a bit scared of what he would think, but he just laughed a velvet, soft and loving sound. I smiled at him. 'Do you, remember it? Do you remember what Cadvan was like when…he was younger? And what…you were like back then?'
'Of course I remember all of this Maerad. Well Cadvan…He was young, strong, and he did everything in order to achieve his goals, which wasn't always good for him. He was willing to learn and he never wanted to be second, in anything. He was really handsome and caring.' He made a pause to think and remember everything better.
'He wasn't that different from you was he?' I asked before thinking about it again. He smiled and blushed slightly.
'Well, not exactly, but I think in some points you can say that yes. But I was never as strong as he was and still is. I would also never say that I'm handsome.' He laughed again and looked at me.
'But…you…you are' I muttered and looked into his eyes.
He stood and came closer to me, taking my hand and kissing it lightly 'Thank you Maerad' he whispered.
And suddenly from somewhere far, far away I heard someone calling out for me. I opened my eyes. I was dreaming of Dernhil. I felt tears on my cheeks and wiped them away as I heard the door open.
'Maerad, are you hungry?' it was Cadvan. 'Breakfast is on the table already and I-'he looked at me with concern in his eyes 'Is everything alright Maerad?' he asked as he came closer and sat down on my bed.
'Yes…yes I'm alright, why you ask?' I muttered and rubbed my eyes to get rid of those stinging tears. As I let my hands fall back onto the bed I felt his hand gently on mine. He smiled 'I'll just get dressed and come out for breakfast' I said with a shaking voice. He just nodded, let go of my hand and left me alone in the room again.
I stood up and looked at my reflection in the mirror. My skin almost had the same colour as my nightgown, white just my cheeks had a reddish tone on them. When I was finished in the bathroom and dressed in a dark green dress I went down to have breakfast with Cadvan.
Later that day I went around in Innail without any target. Lost in my own thoughts I suddenly stopped. I looked up and saw that I was standing in front of Dernhils study. I let my hand rest on the wooden door and felt that a tear rolled over my cheek. 'I miss you so much' I whispered I wanted to go inside, but I couldn't. Everyone was always telling me how strong I am, but I couldn't even open a wooden door. I felt a hand on my shoulder and spun around to see who it was. I didn't even have time to really look as I felt Cadvans strong arms closing around me and holding me close to him. I was slowly breathing in his scent, it was the same as always, herbs, spices and a soft and tiny bit like some wonderful masculine smelling flower. I felt my tears soaking his shirt which I didn't even know I was shedding right now. He was so wonderful, he just held me without saying anything to comfort me. He didn't need to, his strong arms were everything I needed and I think he knows or at least feels this too.
As I slowly pulled myself back up and out of his arms I looked up at his eyes and saw tears in them, whether they were for Dernhil or because of something else I can't tell. He was sad and still he cared for me and tried to comfort me in his arms. Even though I was never able to trust any man, I've always trusted him, I needed him since I met him. And I like to be close to him, I wouldn't want anyone else to comfort me or to encourage me or to help me, just him. Dernhil…if he was still alive, what would our relationship be like then? I don't know, nobody does. He smiled gently and held my face in his hands. Softly wiping away the tears with his thumbs.
'Thank you Cadvan.' I whispered and leaned against his hand before he could pull it back.
Oktober 27th
I hurried to find Dernhil and ran through Innail to his study only to find a note on the door:
'Meet me at my house Maerad.'
I smiled and ran to his house. I knocked at the door and a smiling Dernhil opened it to let me in. 'I'm glad to see you Maerad' he said and held a rose to me 'For you, it can't keep up with your beauty but I don't think I'd ever find anything that could.' He laid a hand around my waist and led me to the couch.
'It smells so wonderful and it is really beautiful Dernhil.' I said to him and watched as he went into the kitchen and came back with 2 glassed filled with red wine. He put them on the table and sat down next to me. I put the rose in the vase he placed on the table for it and smiled as I looked around. As I looked back to Dernhil again I found him watching me. He blushed and his hand was on my cheek softly caressing my skin, gently letting his hand run down the skin on my neck and on my arm until he held my hand in his.
'Dernhil what-' One of his fingers was placed gently over my lips.
'Shhh, I need to tell you something Maerad.' He whispered and blushed even more.
But suddenly he was gone. I was staring at the sun that was shining through my window. I sighed and wished I would just fall asleep and dream again. 'Dernhil…' I whispered and got dressed.
I saw Cadvan sitting on the floor and staring in some book. As he heard me coming he looked at me 'Good morning Maerad.' He said and stretched his arms above his head. He just wore his pants and I could see his muscles in the sunlight moving, it looked wonderful. I blushed slightly Forget it stupid girl, he will never love you. No matter how much you admire him. And you can't love him because I cut my thoughts off and closed them out of my mind.
'Good morning Cadvan. Did you even go to bed?' I asked him.
He yawned and fell on his back his arms stretched to both sides and every muscle in his upper body clearly visible Why? How can he do this to me…A smile formed on my lips and I sat down next to him 'No' he whispered and looked at the ceiling above him.
'Why not?' I asked and I couldn't help it as my hand acted on it's own accord and placed itself above his heart. He looked at me, not shocked but in slight amusement I wanted to pull my hand back but he placed his on top of my mine and held it there.
'I wasn't tired and I had….other things to do.' He looked into my eyes and I looked away trying to look around.
'For example? Eating mushrooms, drinking ale and reading…what?'
He smiled 'Quite right. And I was reading one of Dernhils books.' He said simply without letting go of my hand. I looked at his bare chest and blushed He had scars but somehow they just made him more beautiful. He lifted my hand to his lips and kissed it gently 'I know you love him, but you should let go Maerad.' I shivered under the soft touch of his lips. His words stinging in my heart.
'I don't love him.' I knew I was lying the second that I said it. 'Why…did he have to die?' I whispered.
'Because he loved you. He would have done anything to protect you.' Just like me. He added in his mind.
I sighed and looked away but he captured my face with his hands 'Let him go Maerad.' I knew it was true, I knew I should do exactly that, but why? It wasn't a possibility that I ever got him. He would never love me. I couldn't have either of them. But at least, Dernhil loved me.
October 28th
'Maerad!' I heard a gentle voice call behind me. I turned around and it was Dernhil who was coming closer to me.
'Dernhil' I smiled at him and laughed as he hugged me tightly.
'Come with me, please.' I heard him say as he took my hand in his. I followed him to his garden. It was beautiful, trees, flowers and beautiful colours were everywhere. 'Maerad' he whispered and I turned to face him again.
'Yes Dernhil?' I looked into his eyes. Those beautiful deep eyes you could loose yourself in.
'I wanted to tell you something, remember?' He whispered into my ear and stroked my hair gently. I softly laid my hand above his and nodded.
'I love you Maerad.' He whispered and pulled me closer to himself 'Ever since I first met you.'
'I love you too Dernhil.' I whispered with tears in my eyes he bend down and captured my lips in a kiss. A passionate, loving and wonderful kiss.
I woke up sweating and breathless my hand was touching my lips. I could almost feel Dernhils breath on my skin. I closed my eyes again before I got up, got dressed and went downstairs.
I looked around 'Cadvan?' I asked with a whisper but no one replied. I sighed and went outside. Once again to visit Dernhils study.
Again I looked at the wooden door. I breathed heavily as I opened the door and entered it. It look exactly like the last time I saw it. I looked around, on the table was a book it was still open, as if Dernhil would come back to read it. Next to it was a piece of paper. I took it in my shaky hands it was Dernhils writing.
'Dear Maerad.
I never wanted to hurt you. I never wanted to betray your trust in me. But I really love you. I will always love you, no matter what happens. Even in death you'll still have my heart. I'll always be here for you. I'd do anything to protect you. Because my life isn't worth anything if I can't life with you. I'd rather die than betray you and the light and Cadvan. If you read this, I'm probably dead. Because I would tell you by myself if I could. You're wonderful, strong, beautiful, and calm. You deserve to find love. I know you will find the one you truly love. But even in death, I'm with you forever.
There is a second letter in my house. If you feel that you are ready and that you want to read it, do so.
Your admirer and friend,
Dernhil'
I broke down crying on the floor, the letter in my hands pressed to my chest. I heard the door open and close, I heard footsteps coming closer. I didn't care about it. I wish whoever it was would just go away. The person kneeled beside me and I felt hands on my shoulders. He was softly turning me and held me in his arms…this smell…Cadvan. Why does he always have to see me like this? Why can't he love me? Why does he always save me? 'Why..' I asked out loud…
'Maerad…' I heard him whisper in a sigh. I looked up at him. 'You found his letter then?' he whispered softly. I nodded and looked into his eyes my hand was shaking but I lifted it to his face and wiped his tears from his face.
'Please don't cry Cadvan.' He smiled at me and placed a tender kiss on my forhead.
'You're crying but you still care more about others than about yourself.' He stood up and pulled me up with him. He took my hand leading me back to his house.
October 29th
I saw Dernhil and ran towards him. He closed his arms around my waist and smiled softly. I kissed him passionately, gently and loving. It feels so great. So perfect. He carefully led me to his house, to his bedroom and I fell onto his bed. He was smiling seductive as he threw his shirt to the floor before lying down next to me. He removed my Dress and with featherlike touches he caressed my skin. I turned to the side and let my hand slide down his chest to his pants and opened them slowly. He sighed softly as I pulled his pants down. He lay on his back and pulled me on top of him. He held one of my hands captured and pulled me closer to kiss me again. So kind, so beautiful, so wonderful. I moaned and shivered under the touch of his fingers on the bare skin on my back. It feels so good.
'I want you Maerad' he moaned beneath me.
I woke up to the face of Cadvan. He was still sleeping. We were on the couch and his hands lay still on my stomach above mine. I was sweating and I felt the need to get some water but I couldn't take my eyes of Cadvan, his bear chest beneath me and his strong arms around me. I turned around, carefully so I wouldn't wake him. I looked at the soft, pale skin under my hand. I moved my hand a bit to the side and looked at the skin I placed a soft kiss above his heart. I heard it beating beneath me. His skin felt so good. Would his lips feel the same? I wondered. I wouldn't do that, it would only hurt more to know and never be able to…I saw his eyes open slowly.
'Good morning.' I whispered and he nodded slowly. He looked at me and I could clearly see the confusion in his eyes.
'Good morning.' He looked at me, my head still rested above his heart and he smiled again. I heard someone knocking on the door just a second before it was opened. Silvia stood in front of us and blushed as she saw us on the couch.
'I just…I just wanted to…wanted to give this to you.' She looked confused at us and handed Cadvan a letter. 'I'm sorry I didn't want to interrupt you. I really didn't want to see or know this.' she looked at us and shook her head.
'You didn't interrupt, and there's nothing you didn't need to know. We just fell asleep here yesterday night.' Cadvan said calmly before he turned to look at me and smiled again. 'And if you didn't want to see my bare chest…you shouldn't come in without waiting for an answer to your knocking.' He laughed softly and took my hand in his.
'You two…' she grumbled and sighed as she blushed even more. 'Shut up Cadvan you fool.' She left without giving Cadvan the chance to say anything else. He laughed as she left.
'Not my fault.' He said to me and brushed the hair out of my face with his fingers, so gently. 'You'll go to Dernhils house today won't you?' he asked with a sigh. I just nodded and let my head fall back on his chest.
'Are you hungry?' I asked after a while of just listening to the beating of his heart.
'Yes, but…' he smiled a dreamy smile and I felt one of his fingers caressing my cheek gently.
'But?' I asked as I noticed he forgot or didn't want to go on.
'Just stay here.' I wanted to lift my head so I could look at him, but he held it where it was with his gentle hands. 'Like you are now' he added whispering and closed his eyes again. I kept listening to his steady heartbeat. Soon enough I was lulled to sleep by it.
'Maerad, come to me' I heard the whisper of Dernhil. I followed his voice blindly and he was standing there, waiting for me under a tree. I threw my arms around his neck and closed my eyes as I kissed him. As gentle and loving as always but somehow…different. I pulled away and opened my eyes again. It wasn't Dernhil who had kissed me. It was Cadvan! Everything went black.
I opened my eyes and felt the warm breath of Cadvan on my face his face so close to mine. I looked straight into his eyes 'Cadvan' I breathed his name in a whisper that was barely audible. He didn't kiss me. Just in my dream, he would never kiss me in real life.
I stood up, or I tried to at least, but his strong and gentle arms held me back, there was no real pressure nothing that would really keep me from standing up, apart from the fact that he didn't want me to stand up and that was all I needed to stay there with him.
'Can we just get Dernhils letter?' I asked him and looked into his eyes.
'We?'
'Would you come with me?' I asked him and hoped he wouldn't say no. He just smiled and nodded. I jumped up and waited for him to put his shirt on, If I hadn't suggested to get the letter he wouldn't have put it on now, damn it. I cursed myself inwardly, but I still was glad he came with me.
I sighed as we stood by Dernhils house, it was so big and so gorgeous. Cadvan opened the door and pointed to the desk. The letter was there. I got it and handed it to Cadvan. 'Let's go back home' He smiled and we went back.
'By the way, Silvia wanted to invite us to her annual Halloween party. In 2 days.' He said as he sat down on his couch and saw Silvias invitation on the floor. I just nodded and opened Dernhils letter.
'Dear Maerad,
I know that you love me. In some way. But please let go of me. If you keep your mind with me all the time, if you sacrifice your heart to a dead man, you will never notice the man who truly loves you with his whole heart. The man YOU truly love.
I can't be with you physically Maerad. If you just look close you will see who I'm referring to as your real and true love. I knew it from the first day I saw the two of you. But I think you needed this to notice it by yourself. And somehow I have the feeling you need the permission. You have it. From me and from the man I mean.
Farewell my love.
Dernhil'
I closed my eyes and put the letter to the other one Dernhil wrote for me. As I opened my eyes again I looked at Cadvan again. You're right Dernhil, you always were. I love him. He looked at me and smiled as he saw the smile on my lips. I'll miss the dreams of you…us Dernhil. Please don't forget to visit me in my dreams. I sat down on his lap and hugged him. I smiled as I felt his arms around me again. I whispered softly into his ear 'ow about…you take your shirt off again Cadvan?' I looked at his eyes and they were so deep and filled with emotions. He pulled his hand back and pulled his shirt over his head without any question. I followed the lines his muscles built with my finger. After a while he captured my hand and lay down on the couch. Carefully pulling me with him. He kissed my hand and smiled but he didn't let go of my hand. With my free hand I caressed his arm.
October 30th
I yawned as I woke up, again we were sleeping on his couch. He was already awake and he was studying me. I smiled and tried to stand up just as he wanted to kiss my forehead. Our lips met in a gentle kiss. His lips felt so soft and warm. I looked at him with wide eyes and he laughed softly, such a wonderful sound.
'We should go and look for costumes today.' He said softly and I nodded, even though I'd rather stay here with him. He looked at me and sighed as he caressed my face, as his finger slid over my lips I kissed it gently and he smiled 'I'd rather stay here, But I guess Silvia would kill us if we do that and if we won't go to her party.' He sighed again.
'I know. I'd prefer that too.' I smiled 'We shall just hurry. Then we have enough time alone.' He nodded.
'You want to go now?' he asked with a smile.
'Yes, we have the rest of the day off that way.' I placed a soft kiss over his heart and stood up, running to my room to put on a new dress.
As I came back down Cadvan stood waiting for me. He wore a tight black shirt and black pants. I smiled at him and we left.
At the costume shop I stood and just stared at all those things, most of them looked so stupid. I heard Cadvan laugh and turned to face him. He took my hand and went straight to the back with me. He took two costumes and showed them to me. 'Cat? Or would you rather like to wear this?' I looked at the cat costume, a cute skirt with tigerlike stripes in gold and black with a fitting tail on the backside. A tight shirt with the same stripes on it and a crown with cat ears. I smiled at him. I looked at the other 'thing' now I knew why he was smiling like that. It was pure black, a short skirt a tight shirt with a low neckline. I raised an eyebrow at him. He just laughed and handed me the cat costume.
'And what will you wear?' I asked him looking around the store.
'I don't know…' he sighed and I spotted the perfect costume for him. I got it and handed it to him. It was a devil suit. Black pants with flames on the side. A tight black shirt with flames on it. A black cape that was red on the inside. I looked around and found something that would fit perfectly to it. I ran to the walking canes and took one out where the handle was a silver skull. He nodded to approve my choice. He paid our things and we went back home. Well I did, he said he had something to do before we go home.
I sat on the floor of the living room as Cadvan came back. He smiled and bends over me.
'How about moving onto the couch? I just bring our things upstairs.' I nodded slightly, and crawled to the couch. As he came back he kissed my forehead gently. He made us something to eat and brought some wine from the kitchen. If I could just tell him how much I love him…I sighed but I'm such a coward around him.
'How about sleeping in my bed instead of the couch tonight?' He suddenly asked as he pulled me closer to him on his couch. I was surprised and shocked. I tried to breath deeply, didn't help, his smell was so overtaking, so wonderful how should I think straight around him? I love everything about him. I thought and nodded to answer his question. He smiled and looked so happy. He stood up and lifted me up with him, carrying me upstairs to his room. The door was open and the bed was big, and I smiled at him he had put a rose on the bed and a small package was beneath it. He smiled as I ran there and took the rose in my hands. I carefully unwrapped his gift and looked inside. It was a silver necklace with 3 black and 3 red roses around a small silver heart. Cadvan came closer to me and opened it before handing it back to me. The imprint said
'I love you with all my heart Maerad. Cadvan' I looked at him and saw the red on his cheeks I hugged him. He held me tight to his body.
'I'm a coward, I always wished, I was as strong as you thought I would be, but I couldn't even tell you this.' He whispered softly into my ear.
I stood on my toes to whisper into his ear 'I'm a coward. I wanted to tell you everyday the last week. But I wasn't strong enough.' I kissed his ear gently before I added 'I love you too Cadvan, with all my heart.' We kissed each other passionately and with all the love we've held in ourselves and in our hearts for so long now. It was so much better than I ever dreamed it could be.
When we finally broke apart I looked at him 'Will you take your shirt off again now?'
I watched as he once again threw the shirt to the floor and pulled me with him onto his bed. He took the necklace from my hand laid it around my neck and closed it for me. I smiled and kissed him again.
October 31st
I woke up in Cadvans arms and kissed him gently on his cheek. I stood up and went downstairs to his kitchen to get some bread with cheese and 2 glasses with water. I ran back upstairs to Cadvan and woke him with soft kisses.
'Good morning my love.' He whispered and pulled me onto his bed. He kissed me gently and we didn't even hear that Silvia came in, without permission, as always.
'What do you two think you are doing here?' she looked at us and was bright red in her face.
'The better question is, what are YOU doing in MY bedroom Silvia?' Cadvan was angry at her his eyes were shining with fury. 'Get. Out. Right. Now.' He said through his teeth.
'No, I won't' she said with belligerence in her voice and her eyes.
'Who do you think you are Silvia? This is my house. This is MY bedroom. You have absolutely nothing to do in here. You didn't even knock and now you are asking me what I am doing? It's none of your business Silvia.' His voice was low and held a danger in it no one could overhear. I don't think I've ever seen him like this before. But no matter how angry he was at Silvia, he held me in his arms safely.
'Cadvan!' Silvia screamed at him 'You are her teacher.'
'I was. She's not a child anymore AND she can decide on her own what she wants. And if I am what she wants. I'll appreciate that.' I think if Silvia was a dragon she would be spitting fire right now.
'Maerad, come with me.'
'If you have to say anything, you can do that here. Cadvan will hear it anyway.' I kissed his lips gently and he smiled at me.
'Maerad…my little girl…you don't really want this. He is older than you and he…he learned from the dark. He is not good for you my child.' She seemed close to tears but I just looked at her confused.
'Silvia, I know you miss your daughter but…I'm not her. I'll never be her. I'm Maerad. And I…I love Cadvan. No matter what you say, it won't change anything, I know about his past, but I don't care. Everyone makes mistakes, but everyone deserves a second chance. And above all everyone deserves to be loved.' My voice was calm and loving, I don't even know why. She' said such bad things about Cadvan. Silvia smiled softly and nodded.
'I'm sorry, Cadvan.' She whispered 'I just wanted to tell you that you should be at the ball room tonight at seven.' With that she left. I looked at Cadvan and saw that he still was angry at her.
'How can she say something like that?' I heard him say.
'I don't know. She was confused and worried about me. I don't know why she did that to you.'
'She's right. You deserve someone better than me.' He whispered after he kissed me.
'That's not true. There is no one better than you. No one loves me as much as you do. And I trust and love no other man but you. At least I don't trust them as much as I trust you Cadvan.'
'I don't deserve your trust. I could easily lose the self control I have left…' He pulled me closer to his body and I felt exactly what he meant as he moved his hips upwards and pressed it even closer to me 'I could take you right now. But you're too important to me. I would never do anything I could lose you for.'
His voice was so soft and calm. I kissed him again and looked into his eyes where the lust buried deeply in them and hidden for the past years was shining through.
'I got breakfast for us.' I whispered and pointed to the food that stood on the trunk at the end of his bed. He smiled at me. Why couldn't I just let him do whatever he wants with me? Why am I so scared? I love him, I trust him, but still I can't give him everything he needs…I sighed and sat up leaning onto his shoulder while we were eating.
The rest of the day was quiet until we had to dress for Silvias Halloween party.
'Maerad, you look cute.' Cadvan said as I purred under his touch like a cat. 'We should go now.' He smiled and took his walking cane.
As we opened the doors and went into the ball room it was already filled with people. Most of them wearing costumed so nobody knew who they were. Cadvan got something to drink for us and we sat down in a darker corner of the room.
'Silvia asked me to play some music. Would you come with me?' He asked softly and I just nodded as he pulled me up to the stage already anyway.
We played and two others sung. They had beautiful voices, I don't know who they were but one was dressed as a white and the other as a brown Rabbit. At the end of the song Cadvan stood up and helped me back to my feet.
'Maerad, I wanted to ask you something.' He said and everyone around us was quiet as he did so. I couldn't do anything but nod slowly. 'Will you marry me?' He asked after a while. I couldn't help but smile.
'Yes, of course I will Cadvan.'
He looked so happy. His smile was gorgeous it could have lit the whole room. 'I love you Maerad.' He whispered so only I could hear it.
I looked through the great room and I saw Dernhils ghost at the other end. He smiled and nodded as if to approve to my choice. He blew me a kiss and vanished.
--
Well, hope you liked it, I'm thinking about writing a second chapter, same story just from Cadvans POV. At least I'll do that if I have enough time
