Chapter 1: Enter James
In a restroom just outside of Silent Hill, there stood a man named James Sunderland, who had come to the town in search of his wife, Mary.
He stood before a mirror, examining his reflection, applying some lipstick, and making faces. Eventually he grew tired of this, and tried to smash the mirror; his hand went through it like water.
'Whoa, that's cool, my hand went through the mirror . . . wait, my hand went through the mirror . . . MY HAND WENT THOUGH THE MIRROR!' James turned and ran, screaming out of the bathroom, until he reached the railing for viewing Lake Peluca. He stared dumbly out into the water (which wasn't difficult for him) and began to recall the note he'd recieved from Mary:
'In my restless dreams, I see that town . . . Silent Hill. Maybe if you'd stop stealing the blanket from me every damn night, I wouldn't be so restless . . . but I digress. I'm through with you, James . . . I stole your stash. If you remember where our special place is, come here and I might give it back.'
'I got a letter . . .' James said to noone. 'The name on the envelope said . . . "Mary" . . . which was my wife's name . . . it's ridiculous, couldn't possibly be true. Mary was illiterate, and she couldn't write a letter if she tried. She didn't even know the alphabet. But, there's a booger at the bottom of the paper . . . it had to be Mary!'
James sprinted from the railing, going down the stairs and coming to a long, downward slope. After two minutes of jogging, James began to get tired.
'If this goes down the whole way, then I'll just roll.' So James laid on his back and rolled down the slope, until he came to a stop when his head hit a large well. Standing up, he found a small piece of red paper floating in the water.
'Umm . . . am I supposed to do something?' he asked out loud. No answer came forth, so he shrugged and ran through a gate just down the path.
He found himself in a cemetary, and after skipping forward a bit, he came upon a really ugly person in a red sweater with black hair. It was kneeling against a grave stone.
'Hey man, do you know how to get to Silent Hill?' James asked.
'What do you mean man?' the person said as they stood up, revealing cleavage. James would have stared if not for the horrendous being that they sat upon.
'Well, I figured you were a man, since you look so butch.' The woman nodded in agreement.
'Silent Hill is that way,' the woman said, pointing the way James had been going.
'Duh, I knew that, retard. How do I get there? Is there a shortcut, cuz all this walking is annoying.'
'There's only the one road – you can't miss it.'
'Do you not notice the fog?' James yelled. 'I think it'd be pretty easy to miss a road with fog like this!'
'I think you should stay away.'
'No way, my wife stole my stash, and I'm getting it back.'
'What's your stash?'
'. . . are you a cop?' James asked, backing up.
'No. I'm looking for my mama – I mean, my mother.'
'I don't care.'
'I thought my father and brother were here–'
'I don't care,' James said more forcefully.
'–but I can't find them.'
James walked up to the woman and shook her violently. 'I don't care! So shut up!'
'Ahh! Rape! Daddy, no!' the woman said, pulling out a knife.
'Uhh,' James said, eyes growing wide, 'moving on!' He took off down the 'unmissable road' and was out of sight.
After running aimlessly for a few minutes, James came across a chainsaw embedded in a log, still running.
'Cool, is this like, an Excalibur-like chainsaw? Will I be king if I pull it out?' James reached down and pulled as hard as he could, but the chainsaw was stuck fast – granted, James was pushing, so it wasn't a very effective method. After giving up, he ran all the way to Silent Hill.
'The town is empty,' he mused as he jogged through the barren streets. As he ran, he suddenly slid and landed face-first into a pile of red liquid.
'Oh my God. . .' James said, slowly backing up. 'KETCHUP!' He began licking up the – err – 'ketchup' – when he saw a shape out of the corner of his eye. It was armless, and swayed side to as it walked. James stood there, looking for a moment, before he spoke.
'That looked creepy, almost like a "monster" . . . only one thing to do when in a town full of monsters . . . INVESTIGATE!' So James ran down the street after the shape, which, despite having no arms, was much faster than he.
Ultimately he came to a large barricade, which he dove through Mission Impossible-style. Standing, he saw the monster standing up: it was armless, pinkish, and very ugly. James, mortified, looked frantically for a weapon. Running past the katana in the corner, he reached next to the BFG and grabbed a wooden plank from the barricade. Turning back to the monster, he charged savagely.
'Pardon me, could you please hand me the -- AAGH!' the monster said as James leapt upon it with the wooden plank. He bashed it into oblivion, and then poked it with the plank after it lay motionless.
'Is it dead?' he asked. 'What is it? Looks kinda like Mary's mom . . . Mrs. Shepard?' No response. 'Okay, so I'm not a murderer . . . I think. There was that one night in Vegas . . . that kid came out of nowhere!'
James climbed out of the barricade, and ran through the streets, aimlessly beating monsters with his newfound weapon. After six hours, James found himself at a large gate, which he scaled and dropped over the other side.
'Hmm, this looks like an ugly, creepy building where I'll probably find a lot of monsters and crazy people . . . let's get started!'
So James recklessly opened the door to the apartment building and entered.
To be continued . . .
— —
This is my second draft of Chapter 1, and it turned out longer and better than the first draft. I really don't know why I'm writing this – just need a break from 'serious' writing. I hope you get a quick laugh from this at least; I don't expect this to be hilarious.
Note: BFG from Doom. In my definition, it stands for Big F-ing Gun. Mirror segment from The Evil Dead.
