Caroline and the Reality Check

Caroline was unable to fall asleep properly, and she suspected this was because Richard was lying on the floor next to her bed. The image that had flashed through her mind last night when she danced with him at the restaurant had really freaked her out, and she couldn't stop thinking about it. What did it mean? Could she possibly have feelings for her cranky assistant?

She couldn't seem to make sense of it all. He was always so closed off with her, like he was afraid of something. She knew he was scared of getting close to people, but he seemed particularly scared of her. Why?

Maybe he's afraid of losing his job.

But how could he be afraid of that? Didn't he know her better at this point in time? She would never fire him; if she wanted to do that she would have done it by now, and she was pretty sure he had figured out what a pushover she was within five seconds of meeting her, so surely he must have known this whole time that his job was secure.

Perhaps he's worried that I won't like him once I get to know him.

But it really didn't seem like that was the case. He didn't seem to care very much about her at all, so he wouldn't be too concerned about her opinion of him. Besides, he was always in such a bad mood. He had a really bad attitude, and every other thing he said was dripping with sarcasm. It was fairly obvious that he didn't give a damn about what other people thought of him.

Maybe he isn't scared at all. Maybe he just doesn't like ME.

Caroline had often tried to get Richard to open up, and it was almost impossible. She had always had trouble accepting that certain people might not like her, because she had this desperate need to be liked by everyone. She had been that way ever since she was a little girl, but she couldn't get the cynical artist to like her, and it was beginning to get to her in a way she couldn't quite explain.

Why is it so important for him to like me? Why can't I just let it go?

They were so different, like night and day, and he seemed to find her cheerfulness annoying. And yet, she was strangely drawn towards him. She wasn't entirely sure why, or what it meant, but there it was.

She eventually dozed off again for what felt like the millionth time.


Richard was lying awake on the floor in Caroline's room. He'd panicked when he'd woken up to find himself wrapped around her, and he knew he couldn't sleep next to her anymore. It was too dangerous; his relationship with her was way too important. He didn't want to leave her feeling awkward about the whole thing, so he'd concocted a story in which her mattress was too soft for him to sleep on. He just needed to distance himself from what he was feeling, and he couldn't do that when she was close enough for him to feel her breathe. Wanting to reach out and touch her, and knowing he couldn't possibly do that, sleeping on the floor had seemed like the better option.

But now he was beginning to develop a cramp in his neck, and as it became more intense he realised that painkillers would be necessary in order to get him through this utterly miserable night. But he was scared of moving, because he was caught between these two women.

Julia served as a memory of his wild and passionate past, of who he had been back then and who he had thought he could be with her by his side. She was so carefree, so full of life, and it was truly thrilling to be with a woman who turned every man's head while just walking down the street. She had the appearance of some kind of goddess, and the artist in him was in awe of her sculpture-like beauty. He'd been madly in love with her, and he had been willing to do absolutely everything for her because he believed her to be his sincere amore. She had captivated him from day one, and sure, she was a little self-centred and shallow, but who wasn't?

Caroline.

There was nothing shallow or self-centred about Caroline, he realised. She was genuinely as kind and as caring as she appeared to be, so much so that it was occasionally annoying, and she had this compulsive need to help people. She almost always thought of everyone but herself, and she'd drop everything in a second to come to the rescue of those she cared about. In fact, she'd most likely do it for complete strangers, too. She was so different from him in almost every way, which was why he had fought a long and hard battle with himself in an attempt to shut down his feelings for her. But he had lost miserably. He loved her.

The fact that he was so in love with this woman was absolutely terrifying. He didn't understand it. With Julia, it had been obvious: she was physically stunning, incredibly charming, mysterious and spirited. The physical attraction was immense, no doubt, but she also appealed to the darkness inside of him, the part of him that was convinced the world was a cold and heartless place anyway. In this world he had created for himself, Julia's selfishness made sense, and he'd been drawn to how openly she displayed it. Everyone was always trying to hide these sides of their personality from the rest of the world, which in turn made them horribly phony and therefore untrustworthy in Richard's opinion. He couldn't let people like that into his life, because they would ultimately disappoint him, and he'd end up feeling like a fool. All of Julia's dark sides were on display, and he found that he couldn't resist her. She was endlessly fascinating, and he'd been convinced that there was nothing better out there.

But he had been so wrong. Caroline was better. Caroline wasn't phony or untrustworthy, she was the bright spot in his life that lit up his days and filled them with something that had previously been foreign to him: joy. He had tried to resist it, but from the moment he had accepted the job as her assistant he had been doomed. It was like she had awakened that part of him that needed love and affection; a part of him he was sure had died a long time ago. He thought he had buried that part of himself when he was a child, and that it would never again see the light of day. But Caroline had lured it back out, and now it was constantly tormenting him with its presence. He used to think he didn't need anyone else, but he needed her. He couldn't escape from her. He'd tried, and failed, consequently ending up back in her life where he would continue to despair quietly as he drowned in his overwhelming love for the petite redhead.

But now… now Julia was downstairs, asleep on the sofa, and he was on the floor next to Caroline's bed. Julia was familiar territory, and it would be so easy to fall back into that. Caroline, however, was his employer, and his only real friend. He couldn't lose her. Not now, not ever. He loved her, desperately, but he could never have her, and Julia was so close…

Dammit, he really needed that aspirin. As quietly as possible, he stood up from the floor, rubbing his neck as he grimaced to himself. He turned around and saw the sleeping form of the woman he was so impossibly in love with, and that familiar ache spread throughout his body as he watched her chest rise and fall steadily. For what felt like minutes, he just stood there, completely mesmerized by how beautiful she was, but then he felt another jolt of pain in his neck, and reluctantly headed for the stairs, knowing he would find aspirin in the kitchen.

He treaded gently, one step at a time, anxious not to wake Julia. He was still confused about his feelings for her, and whether or not he had wanted something to happen between them. He had watched Caroline with that veterinarian, that man-child, for months… it had made him feel so unbearably lonely. Now that he had realised that he needed someone to share his life with, the idea of Julia was very tempting.

Of course, he wasn't completely sure whether or not she felt the same way about him, but she had broken off her engagement to Marcello because of him so it wasn't entirely implausible. The idea of being with Julia was exciting, and maybe she was his only shot at love? At the same time, she had broken his heart so horribly in the past, so he'd been burned before… could he open himself up to this woman one more time?

Stumbling into the kitchen in the darkness of the apartment, it didn't take long before he inevitably walked into something. He muttered quietly to himself, and began opening cupboards in his search for some painkillers. Knowing that Julia was only a few feet away, wrapped in nothing but a sheet, was incredibly distracting, and he proceeded to bash his head into the cupboard door. He choked back a pained sound, terrified of waking his ex-girlfriend.

"It's okay, Richard. I'm awake."

His heart leapt in his chest at the sound of her voice.

"I was just looking for some aspirin. I've got a cramp in my neck from sleeping on the floor-"

Shit. Shit.

"…above you! It's a funny saying we have here in America, you wouldn't understand it."

Oh good grief, Richard. Get your act together.

Thankfully, Julia had dropped it. Instead, she asked him if he wanted her to rub his neck, which he let her do even though his head told him it was a bad idea. This woman, in general, was a bad idea. And yet, he wanted to feel her touch, so he could, perhaps, feel a bit less alone.

When it had turned from a friendly neck rub to blatant seduction, however, Richard had panicked. As much as Julia thrilled him, she also scared him, and he had only just realised how much, so he pulled away from her. He tried to tell her that he couldn't go through it again, that it had taken him three years to get over her, and he was headed for the stairs, but she stopped him.

"You got over me? Because I never got over you."

She always did this. Words came out of her mouth, but they were empty most of the time. She'd tell him she'd choose him over her trust fund, but she never did. She'd tell him she loved him, and then her dad would snap his fingers and she'd leave him without as much as a second thought. She was nothing but words.

"Julia… those are just words."

He'd made up his mind. He wasn't going to let her do this to him again. But his resolve had fallen apart as quickly as it had come together when she undid the sheet she had wrapped around her to reveal her gorgeous figure. Who was he kidding? He wanted her. So he wrapped his arms around her and buried his face into her neck, relishing the human contact. He'd gone so long without it. Maybe he could let himself love Julia again after all?

But then a sharp voice interrupted what they were doing.

"Richard?!"

Oh god. Oh god. This was bad.

But then he asked himself why he even cared. They weren't actually married in real life. To her, he was just a friend, and that's all he would ever be. The look on her face nearly destroyed him, though. She looked so betrayed; so small and fragile. He couldn't help but think that her reaction was a bit extreme…

But it got worse. She'd marched right up to him and slapped him hard, which was a real shock to his system. What was happening to her?

He didn't have time to think about that for very long, however, because everything happened so fast after that. Julia had proclaimed that she was poison for him, and stormed out of the apartment, still wearing nothing but that sheet. He wanted to run after her and tell her that he wasn't actually married, and that he wanted to give their relationship another chance. But he also had to ask himself: did he really want Julia, or did he just want a relationship?

Turning his attention back to Caroline, he realised that she was on the verge of tears. Tears? She was actually going to cry because he had strayed from their fake marriage? It made no earthly sense. Could it be that she cared more about him than he'd previously been aware of?

No. No, that was impossible.

Convinced that the whole act had just played some kind of trick on her mind, he'd tried to tell her that they were not, in fact, married, but she still seemed upset. If there was anything in this world he hated, it was seeing Caroline upset, so he tried not to look directly at her. His mind was working frantically to figure out why she was tearing up over this, because it had only been pretend, and he'd practically had to beg her to go along with it. So what was her current reaction all about?

However… she had acted pretty strange at the restaurant the previous evening. Without warning, she had jumped away from him while they were dancing, almost like she had been burned. She had claimed it was because she didn't like slow dancing, which he knew to be untrue; she was a sucker for that sort of stuff. He'd just decided to let it go, but now he was reconsidering that decision. The more he thought about it, the more he realised how truly puzzling it had been. She had retreated to their table, and she'd actually looked slightly… freaked out? She'd been shaken up, and he couldn't fathom what could have been going through her head to make that happen.

No. Hoping for something more to happen between him and Caroline was hopeless. He would only be setting himself up for more misery, and he'd lose her. He couldn't lose her.

He was mentally preparing himself for running after Julia, when she spoke again.

"Look, I'm sorry I hit you. I, I… I just came down the stairs and I saw you two, and I just, um…"

She looked away, and made a sound that was half chuckle, half sob. In the light that was coming through the window from the streetlights outside, he could see that there were tears streaming down her cheeks. His heart clenched painfully. He wanted to hold her in his arms and wipe away those tears, but instead he took a careful step forward, still confused by her behaviour.

"You what?"

The intensity on Richard's face really tugged at Caroline's heartstrings, but it was very hard to read. Was he scared of what she was going to say next? Was that a flicker of hope in his voice? Or was he just nervous? Was he simply anxious to get this conversation over with so he could chase after Julia? He was such a mystery to her.

True to her cowardice, she chickened out of whatever she had been about to say.

"I just thought that's what a wife would do if we were married."

Richard hung his head, closing his eyes dejectedly. He honestly didn't know what he had expected her to say. It had all been an act. Of course it had. She was way too good for him.

He turned around, heading for the door. He could hear her sniffle behind him, and he couldn't wait to escape from this horrible pain he was feeling.

"I wanted it to be me."

He froze. For a second he wondered if he had imagined it. Did he really just hear her say that?

Without turning around, he just said one word: "What?"

"I was jealous, and I'm sorry."

Taking a deep breath, still struggling to comprehend what was happening, he finally turned to face her again.

"What are you saying?"

She smiled through her tears. "You know what? Ignore me. You should run after Julia; you can probably still catch her."

Honestly, this woman was unbelievable sometimes.

"Caroline… Julia could not matter less to me right now."

She looked at him, genuinely confused. "What do you mean?"

"Please just tell me what you are saying. You were jealous?"

She fiddled nervously with her pyjama shirt.

"Yeah. But don't worry about it. Just go get your sincere amore."

He sighed. "Will you stop that?"

"Well, she is, isn't she?"

"Caroline…"

"Isn't she?" Another tear slipped down her cheek.

Richard shook his head. "No."

"But… you said…"

"I know what I said. I was wrong."

"What do you mean?"

The look in her eyes was more than he could handle.

"I did what I did in a moment of weakness. But I don't love her. There is only room for one woman in my heart."

She let out a soft sob, and looked down at her feet.

"One woman?" she finally whispered.

He closed the gap between them, and placed one finger under her chin, tilting her head upwards.

"You."

Illuminated by the streetlights, her eyes shone up and into his. She was impossibly beautiful.

"Really? Me?"

He smiled. "Yes, you."

Watching her as she returned the smile, he wondered what it would be like to kiss her, to really kiss her, and to feel her kissing him back. He wanted to find out so badly.

Framing her face with his hands, he kept his gaze firmly on hers.

"God, you're so beautiful," he whispered.

She closed her eyes, causing a few more tears to roll down her cheeks. She choked back another sob, and moved to wrap her arms around his neck.

"Richard…" she breathed. She felt dizzy. What was going on right now? She'd been convinced that he didn't even really like her most of the time, and that he found her annoying, but now here he was, standing so close to her that she found breathing to be a difficult concept. And did he just call her beautiful?

Finally, he leaned in and brushed his lips against hers. She sighed, and her breath hitched in her throat. As she parted her lips slightly, he responded by capturing them in a soft, yet firm, kiss. Caroline's stomach was fluttering madly, and she kissed him back as she moaned into his mouth. Richard slipped his tongue in to tangle with hers, and the kiss deepened considerably.

Richard couldn't believe how incredible it felt to finally kiss her. He wrapped his arms around her waist to pull her closer, and he just wanted to kiss her forever. He was almost afraid of pulling away from her, because some part of him was telling him that this might never happen again. But with the way she was kissing him back… surely that was irrational thinking?

Eventually, they broke away from each other; resting their foreheads together as they tried to come down from whatever high they had just been floating on.

Richard was the first one to break the silence.

"I love you."

He was still struggling to regain his breath, and his head was so muddled from that mind-blowing kiss that he found it hard to form sentences, but those words had somehow managed to find their way past his lips.

Caroline looked up, her eyes finding his, and he could tell that she was struggling to comprehend what he had just said.

"You… love me?" she finally managed in a whisper.

"I love you," he repeated softly.

She seemed to contemplate this for a moment.

"More than Julia?"

He reached out to touch her cheek, running his thumb lightly over her cheekbone.

"More than anyone, ever, actually."

She chuckled, but this was quickly followed by more tears, and using both thumbs he gently wiped them away.

"Don't cry."

She sniffled. "But… you're always so annoyed with me."

He couldn't help but laugh at that. "Caroline, you are annoying."

She laughed with him, shaking her head. "Thanks," she said, smiling wryly as she wiped her red, puffy eyes.

"But most of all, you're wonderful. And, to be honest, I only pretend to be annoyed. Most of the time, anyway." He smirked.

"Why would you pretend to be annoyed?" she asked with a puzzled expression on her face.

"Because," he sighed, "I use sarcasm as a shield. I use it as something to hide behind."

"Why hide, though?"

"To make sure you never found out?"

She closed her eyes in frustration, and proceeded to grab both of his hands with hers.

"And why wouldn't you want me to find out?"

"Caroline… don't you realise how important you are to me?"

She shook her head. "No. I honestly thought I was disposable to you."

"That could not be further from the truth."

"Then what is the truth?"

"The truth is that I couldn't stand the idea of losing you, and I thought I would if you ever discovered my true feelings. So I hid them, because being your friend was better than not having you in my life at all."

"And it never crossed your mind that I might feel the same way?"

His eyes fell shut, and he shook his head. "No."

This answer seemed to pain her. Her brow creased, and the look in her eyes intensified.

"Well," he continued, "only in my wildest imagination."

She sniffled. "And you really thought that if I found out, you'd lose me?"

He nodded.

"How could you think so little of me?" Her voice quivered, and soon enough another tear found its way down her cheek.

He squeezed his eyes shut. "I didn't. I thought so little of myself. I knew I wouldn't be able to handle it."

"But… why not?"

"Because I'm weak. That's why I ran away when I thought you were going to marry Del."

"That's why you ran off to Paris?"

"Yeah."

"So all this time…?"

"Yeah."

She hung her head. "I wish you'd told me."

"I did write you a letter."

Her head shot up. "So that was it? That was the mysterious letter you lied to me about?"

"Yes," he whispered.

"Richard… what was in the letter?" He could barely look at her; she had the most heart-breaking facial expression he had ever seen.

He sighed dejectedly. "It said that I had feelings for you, and I asked you to meet me at Remo's if you felt the same way. I had been drinking when I wrote it, and I was desperate at this point in time. I had already started to look for another job. I just couldn't be around you anymore."

"You couldn't be around me?"

She looked genuinely hurt by those words, and his gut twisted into a painful knot at the sight of her.

"I didn't think I could go back to your apartment, day after day, driving myself insane by staring at your perfect face, listening to your perfect voice, trying to think of ways to stop wanting someone else's wife."

A sob escaped her mouth, and she covered her face with her hands as her shoulders began to shake gently.

Oh god.

"Caroline, don't cry. Please don't cry."

But she sunk down onto the floor, and leaning against the kitchen counter she continued to sob quietly into her hands.

He sat down next to her, and without really thinking about it he wrapped his arms around her fragile figure, pulling her into a gentle embrace. He could feel her sob into his shirt, and he started rubbing her back in soft circles. Eventually, she became more steady, her breathing less erratic, and consequently the pain in his chest eased up.

She shifted slightly in his arms, and he looked down to see her gazing up at him with her big, beautiful eyes. Without warning, she inched into his lap, and she quickly wrapped her arms around his neck before covering his lips with hers. She kissed him soundly, and he tightened his grip around her as he kissed her back.

For the longest time, they just sat there, making out on the floor, but at some point they both needed to come up for air. Their foreheads remained pressed together for a minute while they both attempted to compose themselves.

It was Caroline's turn to break the silence this time.

"You really want me?"

Was she really asking him that?

"God, Caroline… yes."

She got onto her feet, holding her hand out for him to stand up with her. She put her arms back around his neck.

"Then I'm all yours, Richard. I just wish you could have found that out a bit sooner."

"So you've…?"

She nodded. "Yeah. I wasn't necessarily aware of it, but if you had made me…"

He smiled. "What matters is that we're here now, right?"

"Right." She returned the smile, before kissing his lips lightly. Then she grabbed his hand, leading him towards the stairs.

"Let's go to bed. We can, um… finish this conversation there." She smirked at him over her shoulder, sending shivers down his spine.

"Okay," he managed in a whisper.

Somewhere out there, Julia was running around wearing nothing but a sheet, but he had long since forgotten about that.