Admittance

Disclaimer – NCIS characters are CBS's not mine.

Summary – Because admitting it is the first real step towards healing.


This day was far from over.

That was the impression that Ziva had as she gathered her stuff from the bullpen and prepared to go home. The case, which only spread out over a couple of days, felt so long that she could not even remember what they were discussing before it started. A case which started as simple murder during a drunken celebration turned first into the death of one of their own and then into a rape case.

She had not seen it coming.

Perhaps if she had, she would have had time to prepare herself mentally. The first rape case since the summer; thinking about it she was quite lucky that so long had passed before her team met a rape case. She did not know how she would have handled it before. All she knew was that the second she looked that Hammond boy in the eye she knew. She knew that he was the rapist, call it a gut feeling.

When the case is closed walk away.

She was having some difficulties with rule number 11 at that moment, so much so that she needed to take several breaths before finally calming herself enough to turn around and face the others. Tony was waiting for her, she was sure of it. He was purposely delaying his departure and even though the others would not suspect she knew better. He had been quite attentive to her throughout the case even though there were moments where she was seven snarkier than usual. Sometimes she thought she did not deserve him.

Just another day at the office

That was what he said once they were in the elevator. It was enough to let her know that what he meant was something completely different. He had said that when they were back from Somalia, still stunned that she was alive and in America she had barely heard him. But she remembered and he did too. He was letting her know through his guarded comments that he knew. He knew why this case was so difficult for her. He knew that her remark about castrating the offenders was just masking the fear she still felt inside. And most of all he knew how ashamed it made her feel.

And still there he is.

His closeness gave her solace, it was her sanctuary. And she knew that if she really wanted to move on from what happened in Somalia she had to say it out loud, even if to someone who already knew. Because admittance was the first real step towards healing and she was ready to let the healing begin. So she pulled the emergency switch and the guarded words started flowing revealing only necessary facts in clinical tones. His hand on her shoulder gives her courage and warmth as she relives the hardest moments of that summer.

The fifty-first rule.

It does not erase what had happened and it does not make the world seem safer. But it lessens the feeling of loneliness that beckons at times and it shortens the dark nights. And he does not offer apologies or say anything at all. But his presence, grounded by his hands in hers, shows gives her all that she needs. It shows her that the hard choice of giving a new start to her life was the right one. Having these people as part of her family meant having someone with which to share her successes, failures, laughs and tears - And she never knew how important it really was. Having Tony by her side meant having someone she trusted blindly watching her back – and she never trusted a partner completely before.

She will not sleep deeper that night, nor will she lighten her defences but she will not keep the spectre of that summer hanging over her. She will keep her focus and trust her instincts; she will be ready for what life will bring her.

Because tomorrow another challenge awaits.


Don't really know where this came from but I decided it should not remain just on my hard drive. Consider it a warm up for next Tuesday.