day. Got a man, he ain't got much to say
Until I done a thing I ain't done his way
"Fine you want a divorce," Carly yelled slamming the papers down on the desk. "Give me a pen and you will get one," she informed her soon-to-be ex-husband.
Sonny stood stone still. His heart was racing in fear. Up until now Carly had been fighting the divorce, truthfully he had not expected her to every give up. Seconds ago he would have said that he wanted her too. He knew better now.
He pushed, and kept pushing. Carly who never threw in the towel was ready to give up on him and that broke his heart. More then anything had before, even her betrayal had not hurt this much. This was a mess of his making though.
"I am waiting," she said annoyed. It was struggle, no more like a battled. Every fiber of her being was wrapped up in loving the man standing so aloof in front of her, but she was so tired. And she deserved better, a hell of a lot better than the treatment she got from Sonny.
She was not his pet to be ordered from the room. She was not stupid enough to let things slip; still he refused to tell her things. He could say that he was trying to protect her, but it was a lie. Carly knew that now. Sonny had been trying to keep a part of himself distant from her even then. That was the problem; she had given him everything, when he could or would not do the same. That was what hurt most of all.
Well she was tired of hurting and waiting. It was time to end it. Too move on. God, she only hoped it was possible.
Still not speaking, Sonny made his way over to the desk. The words were stuck in the back of his throat. He wanted to tell her not to sign, in fact he was ready to beg. It was not the fact that it might be too late that kept him from doing so though. No, the image of his late wife and Brenda kept him silent and would always keep him silent. He could not lose her in the manner he'd lost them. He could lose Carly as his wife, but he could not function in a world without her in it.
The room was eerily quiet as he pulled the drawer open. The scrapping of wood against wood, echoed in the penthouse. Spotting the gold pen he hesitated. Sonny's dark eyes drifted up until he met Carly's; she was always in his face, she was infuriating, she drove him crazy, and fought him on everything. He loved her for each and every one of those things. He missed each and every one of those things.
Said I'm weary of thinking of all I mighthave been. I'm worn of trying to deed and
quelling all my sin. Word of old losses
crawling around in my mind,
They made no bromide yet,
Keep the likes of me in line -
And mama, I don't think you can help me
Out of this one -
Just tell me when the bad part's done.
"You are sure about this," he finally asked surprising himself.
Carly wanted to groan with frustration. Had he not been the one to start the damn proceeding in the first place? She had not wanted the divorce, was that not clear to him before when she fought him on it tooth and nail. "Doesn't seem to matter considering that you signed the papers already."
"Of course it matters," Sonny stated.
"Don't do this now," Carly ordered as she crossed her arms in front of herself. It was not much protection, but he heart had been broken enough.
"Do what?"
"Give me a false sense of hope when you know there isn't one," she declared.
"I don't mean to imply …"
"I doesn't matter what you're trying to do Sonny," she pointed out. "What matters is how I see it. I have spent months fighting you on this and when I finally give you what you want you throw me a bone. Well I don't want or need it. So just give me the pen!"
Hurt but hiding it Sonny nodded and picked up the pen. It felt heavy in his hand. His arm reached out slowly as he offered it to her.
Carly bit her lip as her fingers wrapped around the other end of the pen. Her strength was waning and she was not sure if she could get through this if Sonny hinted at possibilities again.
When she tried to take the pen from him it didn't budge. Her brow furled and Carly tugged a bit harder. Still Sonny hung onto the pen. "What are you doing?" she asked angrily.
"Trying to stop you," he answered truthfully.
Carly's voice was laced with pain when she inquired, "Why?"
"Because as right as this is I don't want it," Sonny finally admitted. It was the first time he allowed himself to acknowledge his feelings.
"You selfish jerk," she blasted. "You're not allowed to play with me like this," she yelled as she gave up on getting the pen.
"I'm not playing with you Carly."
"The hell you aren't! How many times I have come to you telling you how much I love you, how all I wanted was another chance? And how often have you shut me down?"
"It doesn't matter," Sonny insisted.
"You signed the divorce papers - that sure has hell matters," Carly raged.
Lord, Ninevah, You're so far away. Would
I be sailing soft if I'd done what you said?
Your indifference is such a quiet grave
Only hope you ain't forgot my name.
Said I'm worn of the sea and the weight
of years. They don't hold the weight of a
single tear
"I thought I was doing the right thing. Don't you see Carly, the women I love get hurt."
"Don't I know that," she stated bitterly, "and you're actions are what hurt most. Lily found that out when you planned on leaving her for Brenda and Brenda found that out when you left her at the alter. You even tried that with me, but did I learn? Of course not. I kept coming back for more. Well I am tired of you hurting me Sonny."
No words stung like the truth. Sonny knew that better than anyone because he used it to beat himself up most of his life.
Carly cursed herself when she saw him retreat. It was not a physical retreat, but an emotional one. She always hated to see him do it. Watching it happen time and time again in their marriage made her ache. Knowing the buttons to push she did, now Sonny would not try again.
Understanding that her heart broke again. He'd finally offered the second chance she so desperately wanted and she scorned it. Her habit of shooting herself in the foot just cost her one of the most important things in her life - her marriage.
"Here," he said offering the pen again. His voice was cold. Detached.
"Sonny I didn't …"
"Just sign the papers Carly," he ordered.
Her dark eyes narrowed. He was telling her what to do again. "You can't make me do anything anymore," she reminded him.
"Just sign them and escape while you can," he sighed.
"I never wanted to escape from you Sonny," Carly protested. God this was twisted. She knew she should stop fighting him, but couldn't. Life with Sonny was not always easy; still it was better then life without him.
"We're finished Carly," he said dropping the pen. It landed with a thud on the divorce papers. "Signing them or not it will not change that."
"But we can. Our love can," she said touching his chest just above his heart. "Together we can overcome anything," Carly promised her eyes tearing.
The words filled his heart, but her earlier words still reverberated in his mind. He did not want to hurt her anymore. His goal was to never hurt her again, and to make sure of it he was going to get her away from him.
His warm had slid over hers. He allowed himself a moment to take in the silken feel of her skin, before he pulled it away. "We are not going to work," he stated flatly.
The tears slid from her eyes, with a slight nod Carly picked up the pen. She had made a choice and it was time to follow through.
Lord, in losing you, I've lost me I fearAnd Preacher, I don't think
You can help me out of this one -
Just tell me when the bad part's done.
I'm worn of foulness I think I deserve
And the love that evades me 'cause I did
not earn this blistering, aching
This little girl yearns for from the
lessons I've failed to learn.
Her hands shook as she leaned down. The 'x' marking the spot for her signature looked foreboding. Once the line was no longer blank the chapter of her life with Sonny, being his wife, having a family with him and Michael, would be over.
Sonny watched with a heavy heart as Carly scrawled her name. The sound of the pen leaving the page was a death knell. The life he wanted was over.
"You'll … you'll handle these," she asked shakily.
"Yes. Do you need a ride?"
Carly shook her head. She couldn't handle his concern, not now. Without another word she picked up her coat and walked out of her home for the last time. She held it together until she got into the elevator. Finally alone she allowed her tears to fall freely.
It was not till later that she realized she was still gripping the pen.
Lord, I'm losing faith in all I though wasright - I'd like to sing this sighing,
wailing, dirge. A finally lullaby
Said I can't get back to Ninevah
Although I've tried, Lord, if you're still
There won't you leave on a light for me?The room grew darker as the seconds pasted after Carly's exit. All he could feel was the pain and the heartache, the loneliness and the hopelessness.
Johnny heard something shatter. He cringed when he heard another piece strike the wall.
And Georgie, I don't thinkyou can help me out of this one,
Just tell me when the bad part's done.
Laughter filled penthouse. It was laughter that only children had, pure joy unaffected by hardships life. Sonny loved that sound. He loved watching his children play. At ten Michael was a study young lad, who had an overprotective streak when it came to his two younger siblings. Morgan had her mother's temperament and Stone had his dark looks.
"Did you think seven years ago that we be here," Carly asked wrapping her arms around her husband.
"No," he said placing his hands over hers. "But I am glad we are."
"I did tell you that you'd never get away from me," she reminded him.
"That you did," Sonny said flashing his dimples.
"Amazing what a fresh start can do isn't it," Carly teased as she allowed Sonny to pull her to face him. His hands were gentle as they played over her face.
"I love you Caroline."
Her heart still fluttered at his words. "Good 'cause I love you too," she whispered just before their lips met.
* Song: Ninevah by Erin Burkett Ó 2002 Erin Burkett
