He hated me. With every fibre in his body he hated me.

I couldn't lie to myself anymore. I knew the truth; he knew the truth. And he hated me for it.

There were times when I felt like wringing his neck; times when I felt like screaming "She's not me anymore!" But I could never do that to him. I loved him too much.

The thing that got me was why he was the only one in the whole ship that opposed me in such a way. I mean, I know Telos was destroyed. And with the destruction he'd lost his wife; the woman he'd known and loved; but I was sure there was more than just that burning desire to get his revenge.

No there had to be something more.

Still, I hadn't… I mean, she hadn't given the order. She hadn't been the one to destroy his life, and even if she was, she wasn't me.

Not anymore at least.

But… What if she came back? What if she hurt him again? I could never live with myself if she did that. If I did that.

I never thought I'd be saying this, but there are times when I need Bastila. Bastila could help me control my feelings; she'd be in my head every ten minutes, distracting me from these emotions of hurt and love. But she wasn't here.

I can't talk to anyone; can't ask anyone for advice or for comfort. No, I owed them too much already.

But I could go and see him; tell him that she doesn't exist anymore; tell him that I…

"A Jedi needs to let go of their emotions."

No, I couldn't tell him that I love him.

I have to take the first step. I have to let him know who I am now. I have to let him see Alda every time he looks at me instead of her; instead of Revan.

But I was too slow.

"Can we talk?"

…Yes. I need to tell you something…

"Sure Carth. Talk away. It's not like we haven't talked in a week."

…He seems taken back; maybe I've shown her again. Maybe she is coming back. Oh no, he's turning…

"Wait, Carth, don't leave!"

He's looking back at me now. I can see the hurt in his face. But he doesn't do as I asked; he leaves me alone, in the cold cargo hold.

He's left me.

"Tough Break."

I turn towards the voice and there he is, leaning against the other doorway, looking at me with that glare again.

"I'm not in the mood Canderous."

And I'm not lying. I can feel the tears coming, and I don't need Canderous's scrutiny right now.

He shakes his head.

"Revan…"

"Alda…"

He shrugs at my sudden interruption. Taking careful steps, he walks towards me.

"Revan… Alda… It doesn't matter to me."

He's close enough to whisper now, and he does so.

"You're still special. You're still a warrior."

He walks away. And I start to think.

Maybe, just maybe… I am special.

And if Carth can't see that, he isn't worth the time. If Carth can't forget who I was, and see who I am, then he's not worth it. If Carth can't see that she; Revan; is gone, then Carth will never understand me; Alda.

Maybe Carth and I were never to be.