Adore
If I let you love me (if I say, its okay)
and be the one adored
would you go all the way? (stay)
and be the one I'm looking for?
~paramore, adore
Chapter 1: If You Only Knew Half As Much As You Pretend To.
BZZT!
"Valary diBenedetto, why must you do this to me?!" I yelled, my outburst muffled by my teletubbies pillow.
I angrily grabbed my cellphone and had a conversation with my overly excited blonde best friend.
Val: Bee! Are you gonna be in school today?
Me: When am I ever not in school when I'm not sick?
Val: pshh. Whatever I'm going to Pizza Hut with Matt and the guys after school. You in?
Me: with Jimmy too? Ughh. Do I have any other choice?
Val: yes, and fuck not really. I want you to come. Me and Matt are just starting out and I need my chill bff to be there to help make me look cool.
I snorted. Typical, uncool, chihuahua like Val. Trying to fit in where she didn't belong, but loved by all of us anyways. I continued with my reply:
Me: if I wasn't so afraid of Brian killing me for being 'antisocial', I wouldn't go. Why? Why Jimmy?!
Val: Chill, chika. It'll work out fine. And that toooo. You and Brian have been best friends since before me and you. The thought just makes me smile!
Me: I'm seriously rolling my eyes right now. You're such a loser! But anyways, fine. I'll pick you up in 15.
Val: kk girrrll. Love you Bebop!
Me: I know.
Val: ahh! Way to be a biotch!
Me: I love you too, don't worry!
Val: That's what I thoughtttt!
I smiled and sighed as I hung up, and tossed my phone to the side. I ran my fingers through my greasy hair and immediately leaped to my shower, scrubbing the filth from the previous party last night. I dreaded today, as I did any day. Because I was ALWAYS with Jimmy.
I met James Owen Sullivan in the year of 1999. I was a freshman, he was a senior. All of my friends were seniors now, and Jimmy should have graduated already, he was 20. So I was really looking forward to the next year when I'd be alone.
I'm also really sarcastic.
I fixed my hair and makeup, and wore my huge black Metallica shirt and tied it on the side so it wouldn't hang to my knees. Unsatisfied with my hair, I put it in a messy bun at the top of my head. I finished off my 'signature look' as Val would call it with a pair of ripped jeans and some black flipflops.
I grabbed my school bag, which wasn't much a backpack as more of a hobo-bag, my cellphone, and cigs, poured a cup of coffee, french vanilla of course, and headed to the Bebop Mobile, "the family wagon". The Family was Matt, Val, and the rest of the boys. I'm Bebop. It's my middle name, but I prefer it over Bridget, my first name.
The Bebop Mobile was covered in bumper stickers, army men and zombies duct taped to the dashboard, an air-freshener cut into the shape of a dick (courtesy of Jimmy), a message scrawled into the air bag from Jimmy that wrote 'You're soooooo beautiful!', and posters and drawings taped on the ceiling.
I drove to Val's house, which was in the same part of town, where the extremely wealthy people lived. I'd officially be moving into her house for a week while my Dads, Rolanzo and LeRoy were heading on their second honeymoon. Having two fathers is the bomb, for the record.
Val hopped in the car and we drove to school. It was the same as any other typical California school. All the tan, sparkly concrete and stone, palm trees, outdoor cafeteria. Most days we'd have study hall and Science Class outside.
Since, surprisingly I was a straight-a student, I got the best parking. We pulled in and sat outside waiting for the clock to strike 8.
Matt ran up to Val and kissed her. Jimmy gave me a huge smile and a happy wave.
I wasn't a mean person, I swear. I love people.
...But there was just something about Jimmy. He knew that I found him repulsive.
In fact, he found it incredibly amusing, always laughing at my grossed out and unamused faces.
Even if he wasn't dirty, he always looked dirty. He had no manners, none, whatsoever. Zilch. Jimmy had the most insane and unnecessary styled hair, brownish blonde and looking like he stuck a fork in an electrical socket. On his face rested black rimmed glasses, making him look like a nerd.
He wasn't ugly, he was actually handsome, very handsome in fact, he was just nuts. He was actually bat-shit insane, and really rude sometimes.
I think what I found the most awful was the fact that he found me purely irresistible. So much lust for me. He never made his over-protectiveness of me, his love for me, or his utter devotion to me a secret.
And I hated it.
"Hey Bebop!" Jimmy greeted me happily.
I waved in reply.
Val thought it was insane how much I hated him. Well, she believed it was simply a mirage, and that soon I'd declare my sworn love to him.
I'd met him under the most awful of circumstances, in my fair defense. Val was dragging me with her so she could go talk to Matt, since this had been before they started their relationship. Sullivan had his giant self sprawled upon the ground napping. I was too busy be pulled by Val that I couldn't watch where I was going. When she set me free from her grip I started to walk to get another chair so I could sit down, and I tripped over Jimmy, falling flat on my face, breaking my jaw on the concrete, resulting in dental work and a titanium replacement for the piece of shit I called a jaw.
He had a horrified look on his tired face, leaping to his feet and helping me onto mine. That's when the complete and utter devotion began, and then the falling in love started.
I had all classes with him, and I sat by him in every single one. Even though he was, technically, supposed to be a senior. He was on the very verge of dropping out. I was surprised he didn't get kicked out.
"Ready to go to art?" Jimmy asked with a smile as the bell rang.
"I suppose so." I kind of cracked a tiny smile.
Pleased with himself, he waited for me to stand up. We walked side by side, and I took in his strange outfit. A dark purple shirt, a bright red fluorescent kimono with a yellowish orange dragon, blue dickies gym shorts, black high top converse, and pink tube socks with a yellow stripe at the top that came to his knees.
Th guy had no shame, and he actually pulled it off.
Something was different about today, I was actually warming up to him.
Took a year and a half. I thought.
He noticed me looking at him because he was always looking at me, and he let out a tiny snort.
"You done eye-fucking me yet? Buy me a couple drinks and then we'll fuck, but god. I just met you." He said.
And then he ruins it. Wonderful. That was funny though. I thought.
I was definitely getting sick. I had to be. Maybe a mental illness. It was the only explanation for such irrational behavior, like, thinking he was actually funny.
I shot him an acidic glare, taking a sip from my travel mug. "I was looking at your... Getup."
Couldn't really call it an outfit.
"Glad you like." He smiled at me, snatching the mug away and taking 3 huge gulps, handing it back to me as he held the door open to the art room.
For some unknown reason, It was impossible for me to say something snotty back. I couldn't be mean.
Definite mental breakdown. All his days of obsession finally broke me.
The rest of that day passed slowly, and when we finally arrived at Val's after dealing with Jimmy for 10 straight hours, we were informed of a surprise vacation her mom and dad were taking. They decided to go to the Bahamas for a week, and left the house to us.
"This is incredible. I'll invite Matt over right now, and we can have a party tonight." Val insisted.
Val's twin sister, Michelle, wanted no parts in our party, so she left to stay with Lacey, another friend of ours.
I, however, was pumped. I was always one for hard drinking, heavy smoking, and a lot of loud music. All things that would be involved tonight.
We even cleared the party with Val's parents, under three conditions:
"No alcohol, no marijuana, and I don't want your friend James here." Val's mom told us.
I snorted. "Jimmy is so not my friend. So it's not a problem, I don't want him here either."
"Its true," Val said. "She hates him."
"That's a good girl, Bridget." She kissed my forehead, and then Val's. "You girls behave, and have fun."
We agreed, even though we were lying through our teeth. I knew Jimmy was coming anyway. He was the best bartender in the southern California area. I knew we'd drink and smoke, It was our thing. It was in our nature.
Matt and Val took care of the Booze and food, and I took care of the music.
When they returned, they had a Keg, a shit ton of Jell-O mix, four bottles of vodka, eight bottles of Jack Daniel's, two boxes of Korona, and about a hundred pounds of candy.
"What the fuck is this?" I asked as Matt handed me all the candy, which I miscalculated. It was about five hundred pounds.
"Jimmy likes candy. He gave me his credit card and said 'You know what I like.'" Matt laughed.
"Of course." I rolled my eyes. I should have known.
People began to arrive, upwards of fifty kids from the school I didn't even care to know, but seemed to know exactly who I was.
Val and I sat with our feet in the pool, and Matt and Brian kept giving us drinks, and more drinks, and even more drinks.
I hadn't paid much mind to the aforementioned Jell-O mix, and I had long forgotten about it from the vast amount of alcohol I'd consumed.
A captain and coke in my hand, I decided to stand up. Not a particularly wise suggestion for myself, because I began to stumble backwards. I backed right into Jimmy, who was carrying a huge bowl of spiked Jell-O. Myself, being much shorter than him, got Jell-O dumped all over me. Head to toe. Completely covered in gooey green gelatin.
I turned to see his face, completely shocked, and utterly terrified to see my reaction. Had I not been completely wasted, I would have drowned him in that fucking pool. However, happy, drunk me started to laugh.
I shrieked, then burst out laughing at my green persona.
"Holy shit! I'm all gooey! I... I have to take a bath!" I proclaimed loudly and drunkenly. "I have to take a bath, right this moment!"
"I'll help you," Jimmy said, a worried tone in his voice. "I'm really sorry Bebop."
"Why?! I backed into you! I need one of those beepy things for when I'm in reverse!" I yelled with a smile on my face.
Brian and Val were in hysterics at this point, and Jimmy's face was beat red.
"Blinkers!" Val screamed an inside joke from her seat, laughing her head off.
"BLINKERS!" I roared with laughter.
Jimmy was smiling now, remembering that day. "C'mon, Bee. I'll help you get cleaned up."
"Help me... You're gonna help me!" I sang. "Valary, I'll be back momentarily. I must bathe!" I said in a poorly faked British accent.
Jimmy finally laughed a little, and helped me wobble into the house. He had to carry me up the stairs, but we finally made it into the bathroom.
"Jimmy..." I said. "You have to... have to help me, um, take off my stuff. My shorts."
His face flushed instantly. "Are you sure? Because I can get Val or something." His voice got high and cracked.
"No, no, no, no, no! You promised that you would help me. Not anybody else. You have to help."
He cleared his throat awkwardly and helped peel off my shorts and tank top. My Bikini was still on, and a non-drunk me would have been fine with a shower with my bathing suit still on while Jimmy was in here. But drunk as balls me pulled those strings and let my bathing suit fall to the ground.
Jimmy let out a weird noise. Almost like a shocked whimper.
My head was pounding, so I lost my balance and fell to the floor. Jimmy tried to catch me, but ended up sitting on the floor next to me in his attempt.
It really took a drunk me to realize how special he was. A guy like Jimmy was once in a lifetime.
"I'm so sorry, Bee." Jimmy sighed.
"Why do you keep saying sorry? Everything is my fault. I'm such a bitch. All I am is mean to you. I don't even know why you're still up here." I felt my eyes tear up.
Jimmy gave me a look and reached around me to turn the water on. He got up and took some Motrin out of the cupboard and handed them to me.
"Here, sweetie. Take these, and then I'll help you get cleaned off." He said in the sweetest voice I'd ever heard.
I took the pills and he gently helped me up. He easily lifted my feet up over the tub, his arms completely wrapped around me. Jimmy helped me wash the gelatin off, gently wiping it with a washcloth, and playfully shampooing and conditioning my hair roughly, making us both laugh. I was starting to feel better, so we had a soap war, and I found the year of his utter devotion to me leaking into my memory, and realizing how perfect it was.
He was my best friend.
I fucking didn't even care that I was naked now.
Laughing, he leaped from the shower, soaking wet, and grabbed a towel.
"Here, come here." His smile sparkled as he approached me with the giant fluffy white thing.
He quickly wrapped part of it around me and used the other half to playfully ruffle my hair.
"Jimmy!" I giggled, and he ceased fire.
I climbed up on the ledge of the bathtub, making mine and Jimmy's faces level.
His hair was soaked, so I much more gently rubbed it until it was a little dry. The only thing that was separating our skin was the towel. Jimmy touched his forehead and nose with mine.
"I love you, Bebop. I really do." He told me.
"I know. I love you too." I said back, meaning it. Really meaning it.
Jimmy's lips cautiously started to move to mine, and he kissed me softly.
I felt so stupid, thinking that this could have been this way for a whole year. Then I felt strong, and content, knowing that it could be this way forever.
That it would.
He wrapped the towel fully around me and carried me into the guest room that my suitcase was already in.
The kiss had brought me down to my normal level. So I knew what I was doing when I kissed him again in protest of him telling me to get some sleep. I knew what I was doing when I liked it when he kissed me back, or that I loved it when I felt his bare chest touch mine as the towel was ripped off of me and thrown across the room. I knew what I was doing when I moaned as he started to kiss my throat. I knew what I was doing when I untied his swim trunks, and I knew exactly why I gasped when I saw what was under them.
I felt genuinely safe, happy and in love while Jimmy was on top of me, doing what I never thought I could ever do with him.
-line-
"I cannot believe," Val yelled the next morning after I confessed, "That you lost your virginity to someone you hate so much!"
"Shh!" I hissed. "Not so loud! And I don't hate him. Anymore."
I had on Jimmy's sunglasses, a pair of shorts, and a shirt I'd taken from Brian last year, who was asleep on a floatie in the pool, hugging a plastic pink flamingo.
My experience with Jimmy last night had been amazing. I hated him, or so I'd thought, but it turned out Val had been so right. I was in love with him. As he moved on top of me, I looked into his eyes and realized that all the times he'd irritated me, I was falling more and more in love with him. I hated it. So I hated him.
Val was completely right.
"I was right!" Val sang.
"Shush!" I barked.
"Sorry, babe." She whispered with a smile, and handed me a ginger ale.
"So was it a drunken one night stant?" She had to ask.
I opened that can and took a sip. "No."
She squealed.
"Val!" I snapped.
"I know, I know! I'm sorry. But you actually want to be with him?" She asked in a semi-tolerable tone.
"Yes, yes." I said. "Jimmy's my boyfriend now."
"Woo-Hoo!" She cheered in a whisper.
I laughed. "I love you, Val."
"Love you too, Bebop-a-licious. Now go get your man so we can get him and the guys home."
"I can drive them." I told her.
"Alright, not Matt though. Leave him be. I'll handle Johnny, Zacky, and Brian."
"Kay." I agreed.
I headed up the stairs to wake up Jimmy.
I smiled as I stood in the doorway, seeing Jimmy in the exact same position I had lay him in when I pushed him off of me. He was on his stomach, completely sprawled over the bed. I slowly crawled above him and then body slammed his back.
"Errahuh!" He yelped, muffled by the pillow.
I giggled and kissed his cheek.
"Bebop?" He asked, sleep heavy in his voice.
"Hi." I smiled against his messy, ratty hair.
"Thank god." He sighed in relief. "I thought it was a dream."
He rolled over and pulled me back on top of him, laying comfortably in each others arms.
I wanted nothing more than a repeat of last night, but I had a duty.
"It wasn't." I replied, playing with his hair.
He laughed happily, his rumbling body shaking me. He stole his sunglasses back from me and slid them on his face. It didn't matter, they were prescription and hard to see out of.
"Can I have a kiss?" He asked, pouting out his bottom lip.
"Duh." I scoffed, and smashed my lips on his, making him jump a little. He let out a sharp laugh as my lips were still on his, making me laugh.
He buried his face in my neck, wrapping his long arms around me tighter. He didn't want to let go. I didn't want him to either.
"If I had known spilling Jell-O on you by accident would have gotten me here, I would have done it a year ago."
I smiled and kissed his cheek, and did it again, and again and again.
"C'mon, naked man. Get dressed. I'm taking you and the boys home."
"No!" He whined in protest. "I wanna stay hurrrrr."
"Fine, you big baby. You can stay hurrrr until Val's parents get home." I mocked him. "But I have to take the guys home."
He smiled in triumph.
"Okay, you want my sunglasses, babe?" He asked.
"Yes." I said, and he put them on me, giving my nose a kiss, and then a quick peck on my lips.
I rolled off of him, and he gave my butt a tiny slap. I bit my lip and smiled back at him as he crashed back on the pillow. My face was still red, and my embarrassed and slightly turned on self was still smiling like a moron.
"Don't let any of this go to your head, Sullivan!" I yipped.
He laughed. "Don't worry, Bellamont, I wouldn't dream of it."
I walked down the stairs and entered the kitchen, and a soaking wet Brian, wrapped in my backstreet boys towel, a very tired looking Zacky in my pink bunny slippers, and a pretty much still asleep Johnny all sat at the kitchen table, waiting for me.
"Hi boys." I smiled at the sight of Brian, thinking about how amusing his wake up would have been. Val had her video camera, so I assumed she taped it for me.
"Sup, Mrs. Sullivan?" Brian teased me.
"Yeah, thanks Val." I scowled at her from beneath Jimmy's sunglasses.
She smiled proudly with her proclamation of mine and Jimmy's newly sparked love.
"Come along, my pigeons. I'll take you home now." I sang to my boys.
The three tired babies nodded and followed me to the Bebop mobile.
Each gave me a kiss on the cheek when I pulled into Brian's driveway. They all decided to just crash there, which was fine by me, because I was anxious to get back to Jimmy.
As soon as I returned to Val's house, I didn't even have time to open the door, so I climbed out the window.
Val had disappeared so I figured she was in her room with Matt.
That's exactly what I would be doing with my man.
My man... I loved that.
Jimmy was still on the bed, the lights dimmed lowly, and he was watching TV. His eyes lit up when he saw me. He stretched out his arms, inviting me to snuggle.
I couldn't resist him anymore, and it felt amazing. Now I felt what he felt for a year and a half, and I felt like shit for being so evil to him. I had to make it up to him.
I climbed into his arms.
