Author: The Great Goz (and the Baron Hausenpheffer for ch. 2)
Disclaimer: I don't own any DBZ characters. (Boo hoo!)
Note: The Baron and I have both agreed for years that King Cold is without a doubt the stupidest creature in the DBZ universe. We have always make fun of the big goof, especially the line in episode 104 where he says "I take great pride in that I have taught you the finer things in life, Frieza. Use them well." King cold is dumb, but we still like him, haha!
The other day, we got to wondering, "Just what are these 'things of life' King Cold is always talking about? Also, how did he run across them?" One thing led to another, and this story was born. The first chapter is written 100 by yours truly. Enjoy!
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King Cold: CH.1 The Enlightenment
This is the story of King Cold and how his "enlightenment" stage came about. One day he was walking about the sidewalk and he noticed a tree.
"What a wonderful tree! What a beautiful, wonderful tree!" he thought. He was so busy noticing the tree that, by golly, he ran into it. This caused a bright red apple to fall and hit his head. After the apple blow to the head, (and what a big bruise... oh yeah, as I was saying) he spent 20 minutes of being knocked out standing up. It finally dawned on him that he was daydreaming.
Then a huge, bright light appeared in the sky and started yelling, saying, "Father you idiot!"
Before he could taunt King Cold anymore, a gust of wind blew Frieza away, and then the real voice came and said, "King Cold... King Cold... King Cold... All right; that's it! This is getting annoying. Yo, idiot!"
"Yessuh?" said King Cold, astonished to know that a voice was above him. Then he said with a loud, forceful roar, "Who are you?"
"Me?" he boomed. "I am the voice of your Great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, grandfather: King Doorbell the Wise!"
"Yes, and what great information do you have, oh wise Doorbell?" asked King Cold.
"King Cold, in your lifetime you have learned a great many things about many things, and these things are called 'the things of life'!" King Doorbell answered.
"I do say! I'm that worthy?" said King Cold, astonished.
"No, not really," he answered. "You're the best I could find great (etc.) grandson, but don't worry. I'm not trying to hurt your feelings; just telling you the truth."
"Which is one of the things of life!" yelled King Cold.
"Well, you're catching on good, Cold!" remarked King Doorbell.
"Oh wise one, can you help me figure out what the things of life are?" said the puzzled Cold.
"No, that is for your puny mind to figure out," said Doorbell sarcastically.
"What! Why do you talk about your grandson like that?" Cold wailed.
By that time Frieza (who was out jogging and had heard the whole thing) said, "Because it's true father! Mwahahahaha!"
Then King Cold fell down, as Frieza pointed and laughed. Finally, he got bored and jogged off.
"King Cold, now that I have enlightened you about the …..stuff, I am going to leave you. Always remember: the power is yours!" said Doorbell.
After doorbell left him, King Cold found a park bench and sat down. He put his head on his hand and thought; he thought for so long that Frieza was throwing a "Horray! Father is dead!" party. Then finally it happened: he thought of it, and he began yelling at the top of his lungs, "I FOUND IT! I KNOW THE THINGS OF LIFE!"
At that time, there was a old woman walking by who heard him screaming, and she picked up a trashcan and threw it at his head. Since King Cold could not afford paper, he wrote his knowledge on the trash can that the old woman so graciously threw at his head. Here is King Cold's wisdom, the legendary "things of life":
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1. My name is King Cold.
2. My sons are named Frieza and Cooler.
3. Trees with apples lead to wisdom.
4. Saiyans are pesky little varmits.
5. Don't discriminate against green or purple people. We have feelings, too!
6. Clark Kent is not really Superman because Superman doesn't wear glasses.
7. Never try to communicate with a lobster because I found out they are smarter than I am.
8. Dragons are always green unless you're color-blind.
9. Never roast marshmallows on your horns; take it from me.
10. It is hard to write wisdom on trash cans.
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After he had written these things of life down on the holy trash can, he decided to show them to his first victim/convert. The old woman who was still standing there looked at the trash can and at its stupid owner. She just shook her head, mumbling, "what a waste of good trash cans..."
King Cold, knowing he had found his true calling, ran out and decided to devote his life to finding whoever would follow (or could be bribed to follow) his teachings. This, of course, meant that he needed disciples…
END OF CHAPTER 1
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Well, there it is: stupidity from concentrate!AMasterPiece! Hahaha! We hope you enjoyed it, but give us a shout-out either way. The next chapter will be authored by my chum, the Baron Hausenpheffer. Later!
