Lauren Paterson
Creative writing
I went home. I really did. Phoebe kept going round and round on that crazy carousel, I told you she's mad about it. I had to practically drag her off the damn thing. We walked down Main Street in that bastard rain. I was so happy, so goddamn happy right up till I walked through our goddamn door. I went to bed without even waiting for my folks to turn up. I didn't wanna explain everything to them; it would've just depressed me. And I was so goddamn tired, I mean really tired. My parents weren't crazy about me getting the axe and all, yet they didn't raise hell either. They made me go away; it killed me leaving Phoebe, seeing her upset and all. It really depressed me, like when Allie died.
I was in the hospital for 4months. I've left that damn place. I swear you should have seen it. Madmen all over the place!
I'm walking across the lobby; our bell boy doesn't even look at me. He simply ignores me and attends to the people behind. He was always phoney, puttin' onna goddamn fake smile to great whoever came in. I glide past, and try the elevator. I push the button a million times before taking the stairs. Damn thing never worked anyway.
I walk across the threshold and try the door to our apartment. Open. Mom's forgetting things again, like when Allie died. The place was as quiet as hell. No one was around. Masses of flowers practically cover the goddamn carpet, I mean masses. With little cards attached and all. I try calling out for Phoebe, but there's no answer. I walk across to my parent's room, again the door open. I haven't been in my folk's room since I was 7. My mother is sitting crossed legged on her bed, her head in her hands, crying. She's practically hysterical. Before I can put my arms around her, Mr Antolini walks in and starts to comfort her. Stroking her hair and telling her it will be okay. I've lost my goddamn voice. I swear I can't even speak. I rush out into the hall again, nearly breaking my crazy neck on those goddamn flowers, and find my father on the phone, with a goddamn brandy in his hand. He's talking to D.B and he's practically crying to. Sad as hell, I can see the tears rolling down his cheeks. He hangs up, and runs his fingers through his thinning hair. He looks older suddenly, and tired too. My throat starts to tighten at the sight of my father like this. It depresses the hell out of me, to see grown men cry. Then Phoebe walks in. My hunting hat in hand. She's a madman, I'm telling you. It's clearly too big for her.
A moment of absolute silence, then she runs to my father and breaks down. My dad holds her tight amongst the flowers, and I'm practically balling myself. My father takes the hat and places it on the counter, then tucks her hair behind her cute little ears. They smile at each other through their tears. My father places my hat on top of my letter, the cause of all this:
To anyone who finds this,
Sorry, I had to start with something so phoney, but I feel phoney inside. I can't carry on, not here. Everything is such a chore and honestly nothing makes me feel happy anymore. Maybe I'm just a madman, too dumb to understand the world. And maybe I just don't wanna be involved in all that. There are just too many things and people that depress me. I feel so dead inside. I can't see a future for me, and I don't want to disappoint you anymore, all of you. I'm just so tired. Crazy tired. It's like there is nothing out there for me, and I have no regrets over my decision. I just feel lousy for whoever found my body, but it's the only way. At least I'll see Allie again, this is what makes me smile, seeing him again. Too Mom and Dad, I'm sorry I couldn't be a better son. This is not your fault, I'm sorry for all the pain. Honestly I don't want to caused you more, so please don't cry over me. D.B. keep writing those stories, don't give up. I'm sorry I lost faith in you. To Jane, it was always you. If I could turn back time I would tell you how much I love you. I'm sorry this is how you find out. Mr Antolini, I should have listened to you. And to Phoebe, my little sis. Don't burn out like I have, you have too much life ahead of you to give up like me. You've made me feel happy again, I'm sorry I couldn't be stronger for you. That kills me the most leaving you, but I love you, so much. Be the person I couldn't be. I'll always watch over you, wherever I go.
Love, Holden X
And I will. Even in death.
