Neville had never been particularly spectacular.
*Bzzt* "Ow! Ow! Damn!"
*Bzzt* "Flip!"
*Bzzzt* "Sugar and spice and all things nice!"
But he had always been odd.
*Bzzt* "Son of a lampshade! Stop doing that!"
Magical people had never really noticed, but, as far as Neville was concerned, the world had always been this dangerous and, just because You-Know-Who wasn't hiding underneath the bed or in the cupboard anymore, it didn't mean nothing else was.
*Bzzt* "For the love of all that's sacred!"
Or that nothing would be there afterwards.
*Bzzt* "I will break you if you-" *Bzzt* "Ow, my face!"
At least muggles had health and safety. Wizards and witches had nothing of the sort. One of his grandmother's favourite phrases was 'if it doesn't kill you the first time, it's perfectly alright' (which, to her grandson's chagrin, was most often accompanied by a generous helping of vegetables).
In fact, wizards were so ignorant of anything normal, they hadn't even noticed the absence of it.
*Bzzt* "You are supposed to be mine, wand! Mine! So stop zapping me!"
Not even the fact that…
"Ow!"
…in place of a wand…
"Eeek!"
…Neville Longbottom had been sold…
*Bzzt*
…a thirty watt tazer.
"Right, this is the final straw, stick: you are going in the bin."
No wonder he was so bad in class.
