Odd's My Life!
By jenelin
There is a land across the sea from England. It is called France, but that is not really relevant to our story. This country has seen many strange things over its long history, but none were quite so odd as the Baron Marius Fitzwilliam Lucian Humphrey Percival Reginald Umberto Vladimir Sven Alexander Neil Pontmercy (nicknamed 'Bob'). Little Marius was born one day to his two parents (who were his mother and father). Marius was an ugly baby, so his parents stuck him in a bureau drawer until he was five years, three months, two weeks, four days, twenty-three hours, seventeen minutes and six seconds old. He was now a beautiful child, so his parents decided to keep him instead of drowning him in the Seine. At this time, his mother was dead. The fact that she took an active part in this decision (to keep Marius, not to be dead) was a sign that Marius' life was not going to be normal.
One day, Marius' grandfather sneaked into his house and stole Marius from his bed (which was the same bureau drawer; Marius had become rather attached to it). Marius' grandfather was a reformed homicidal maniac and part-time dentist, so of course Marius adored him. He grew up in his grandfather's house a very happy child, having forgotten all about his life with his father and dead mother (although he still had a fondness for bureau drawers).
And so life went on, and Marius grew up to be a handsome young man with luxurious black hair and beautifully manicured nails. Then the day came when Marius found out that his father was alive. Sadly, because Marius stopped to smell the roses on his way over to his father's cottage, dear dad was dead by the time he got there. But Marius was given the title of 'Baron,' his old bureau drawer and three of his father's old shirts, so he was not too torn up about the death. He was also sent on a sacred quest to repay a certain Thénardier for something he had done for Marius' father years before. Marius' grandfather did not approve of sacred quests (having been on a rather unsuccessful one some years before), so Marius was forced to leave the home he loved so well and submerse himself in poverty. Poverty was quite becoming to him, and while his unwashed ragged clothes gave off a terrible stench, he was always followed by several dozen drooling young women (and a few scruffy dogs). But Marius had eyes for only one young woman. Of course, all he had ever seen of her was her ankle, but it was a perfectly lovely ankle, and he fell immediately in love with it. Because he did not know the lady in question's name, he called her Anklette. Marius would hide behind bushes and trees and park benches just to get a glimpse of Anklette. One day he caught sight of her other ankle, and from then on Marius was perfectly miserable until he could meet his love and gaze upon that wonderful matching pair of ankles. The trouble was that Anklette, being a young and innocent girl, was always accompanied by an older gentleman with white hair. His hair was as white as a cloud that resembles a whale swimming through the air. His hair was whiter than three dozen sugar cubes. In fact, his hair was so white that Marius nicknamed him Mister Black. Mister Black discreetly indicated to Marius that Anklette was not available to just any dirty young man (this discreet indication involved a lot of shouting and waving about of a large cane). Marius was not one to give up so easily though, so he then hid himself away in his apartment and mourned the loss of his beloved Anklette (of course, he could have chased after her and stolen her from Mister Black, but his idea of not giving up easily involved…well…giving up easily).
It was in this apartment that Marius met the lovely Eponine. Eponine was beautiful. She had long auburn curls and bright blue eyes. Her skin was as creamy as non-dairy creamer and her toenails were always trimmed. When she spoke, her voice reminded Marius of a thousand ringing bells with some singing angels thrown in for good measure. Or rather, this is what she would have been like if she had not been a lousy impoverished drunk. But that is what she was, so Marius did not really pay her a bit of attention, which is why she could get away with hiding under his bed all day, hoping for a glimpse of his well-toned calves when he changed into his nightshirt every evening (it was a lovely nightshirt with embroidered sheep on it that actually belonged to Eponine's younger sister Azelma, but Marius did not know this; he had just found it in a local bureau drawer).
After a short while of poverty, Marius decided that he wanted to make some friends. So he skipped over to the nearest café and introduced himself to a lovely young man named Montparnasse. Montparnasse introduced Marius to his gang, and Marius was very happy. Marius and Monty were the best of friends, until one day Monty and the boys ganged up on Marius and tried to kill him. Marius was able to escape thanks to Eponine, who was a practicing ninja in her spare time.
Marius decided that he should find some more friends, so once again he skipped over to the nearest café. This time he introduced himself to a lovely young man named Enjolras. Enjolras was tall and blonde and so angelic that sometimes he glowed. All the girls were in love with Enjolras, but he did not pay them a bit of attention because all his thoughts were concentrated on his dream of making it big in the world of opera. The opera career had not quite taken off yet though, so Enjolras was working as a Planner of Revolutions. Enjolras had some nice friends. There was Joly who was a hypochondriac, although Marius did not know what that meant. There was Grantaire, who could out-drink everyone in France (except Eponine). There was Bossuet, who had a lovely mane of hair (sadly it was not on his head, but on his back instead). Marius thought they were all fabulous and spent almost all his time with them.
But do not think that Marius had forgotten about his beloved Anklette. She was still foremost in his thoughts (except for the times when he was thinking about something else).
