DRAMATIS PERSONAE:
[THE CONTESTANTS:]
[Original] Link (The Legend of Zelda/Adventure of Link) – Collector of the Triforce pieces, and sleeping Zelda's prince. The first destroyer of Evil incarnated…if you're looking at the right timeline, that is.
Link to the Past Link (A Link to the Past) – Descendant of the Knights of Hyrule and the restorer of the Sacred Realm to its former glory.
Adult Link (The Ocarina of Time)– The teenaged hero of the Imprisoning War. Can only speak in grunts.
Young Link (The Ocarina of Time/Majora's Mask) – Plucky adventurer and the hero of Termina. The child version of Adult Link. How he is existing at the same time as his counterpart remains a mystery.
Green Link (Four Swords/Four Swords Adventures) – A poor soul who wielded a magical sword which split him into four clones of himself.
Red Link (Four Swords/Four Swords Adventures) – The cantankerous clone of Green Link.
Violet Link (Four Swords/Four Swords Adventures) – The particularly vicious clone of Green Link.
Blue Link (Four Swords/Four Swords Adventures) – The innocent clone of Green Link.
Wind Waker Link (The Wind Waker) – Sailor extraordinaire. Can guide the wind with a swish of his magic baton.
Twilight Princess Link (The Twilight Princess) – A backwoods hick turned wolf. Prophesied conqueror of Twilight.
Skyward Sword Link (Skyward Sword) – From bird herder to the hero of destiny. Battled a god and all he got was an annoying sidekick.
Link's Shadow – A recurring doppelgänger of any of the aforementioned Links. Known for his characteristic red eyes and brutal personality.
[OTHER:]
Ganondorf – The incarnation of Evil, King of Thieves, and Ruler of Darkness. Can take the form of a giant boar. This season's host.
Princess Zelda – The incarnation of wisdom and magic. Has a gentle personality and offers love and guidance. Spends most of the time in Ganondorf's clutches as a damsel-in-distress. This season's unfortunate and unwilling hostess.
Director: The director of the show, SURVIVOR. Has a low tolerance for stupidity.
Cameramen: Various sound and video crew that help with the recording of the show. They are a group of Hylians made up of eleven people.
Moblins: Two large, dog-like creatures that act as the show's security force. Though they are Ganondorf's loyal foot soldiers, they are quite unintelligent in nature.
Tim Gunn: MAKE IT WORK! ^_^
DAY ONE. TIME 1200 HOURS.
– ADVENTURE AWAITS –
(Fade in. The sky is dark, and massive low-lying clouds hang in the air, their bellies full of rain. A flicker of lightning races across the sky, and thunder chases it, quick on its heels.
The camera pans downwards. At first it appears that a void is present, but it is instead the ocean, as gray and murky as the sky it reflects. A single ship churns in its waters, crashing against choppy waves that are almost high enough to dwarf its mast. A single light shines from the captain's cabin.)
GANONDORF [voice-over]: This ship is traversing blindly through the torrential rainfall that cloaks the Great Sea, heading towards a randomly-selected deserted island. An island…in the middle of nowhere.
(The scene jump-shots to the interior of the little cabin. Silence isn't even remotely audible in there, and instead the small room is filled with the sounds of the beams creaking and groaning; the thunder roaring and crashing; and the ocean roiling and churning. WIND WAKER LINK is seen clutching his knees to his chest, his head buried on the top of his caps, and VIOLET LINK could be found staring out the cabin window, his face pallid and sweaty, droplets beading his brows. His mouth is turned downwards in a scowl, and by his side a small wooden barrel that serves as a trashcan leans against the cabin wall. The floor takes a dip, and suddenly he holds his stomach.)
GANONDORF: Here, these twelve strangers have volunteered to be marooned for the next twenty-three days.
(Outside, one of the shipmates ducks away from the steering wheel and grabs a rope attached to the hammer of a large bell. A loud metallic dinging begins to wail, cutting through the cadence of pouring rain, and at the sound of the knell the Links all look up. YOUNG LINK kicks his feet, nails digging grooves into the surface of the wooden bench. A LINK TO THE PAST LINK watches him; the child is stiff, and he can feel his apprehension. SKYWARD SWORD LINK looks at the both of them, staring with his characteristic wide-eyed face. The rain outside continues pounding. )
GANONDORF: This…is their adventure.
(The boat churns again, groaning as it rocks back and forth between the waves. The view outside of the porthole is slanted sideways, the landscape swelling underneath them and filling the window with nothing but bubbling water. The bell continues ringing, but within moments it suddenly stops, dying with one last strangled clang. Then it is silent. The rain comes down, and for a moment there is nothing to be heard but the familiar creaking of wood again and the downpour's hypnotic drumming. But this only lasts for a second.
As soon as the ship levels, the twelve SURVIVOR members jump from their seats and come to life. The room becomes an all-out brawl as each of the Links struggle to be the first one to exit the cabin. ADULT LINK rises first, but does not get very far. The original LINK trips him. BLUE LINK and WIND WAKER LINK struggle to press themselves through the doorway, the both of them jammed in between it, and DARK LINK kicks them both forwards with a grin, spilling them out onto the deck. He steps over their floundering bodies. TWILIGHT PRINCESS LINK offers a hand to them as he passes, and the two children take it.
The quarterdeck becomes a fevered frenzy, with the Links tearing into it like skullfish on a piece of rotted flesh. Crates on the wooden floor are ripped open and thrown apart, and the Links dig into their torn bellies, hands sifting for anything they can find. SKYWARD SWORD LINK comes up with a long wooden pole, and GREEN LINK chases a cucco, two of which are already under his arms. ADULT LINK simply takes an unopened crate and walks away with it, much to the annoyance of the other, weaker Links who can't seem to lift things without a Power Glove. A shadow appears beside the scene, and from the foggy mists comes forth a single green-skinned, red-haired figure. It's the familiar LEGEND OF ZELDA series antagonist, Ganondorf, who is undaunted by the mayhem. He turns to the audience, a familiar peeking smile on his face.)
GANONDORF: And here begins a journey of a lifetime. What you are witnessing is twelve arrivals commencing an adventure that will forever change their lives.
(A LINK TO THE PAST LINK yells something to ADULT LINK. RED LINK helps himself to several bombs.)
GANONDORF, stepping over WIND WAKER LINK: They only have two minutes to salvage whatever they can off this ship.
(There is a second flash of miasma amidst all the commotion. Silent dainty feet step through the fog, and then the blond-haired, blue-eyed PRINCESS ZELDA comes forth, dressed in a pink one-piece bathing suit and sarong. She holds her arms. She doesn't look very happy. The DIRECTOR slaps his forehead.)
DIRECTOR, to the CAMERAMEN: Hold! Hold, please!
GANONDORF: (Looks up.) Princess! You can't just walk out in the middle of the shot! For Din's sake!
PRINCESS ZELDA: (Shakes her head.) I'm sorry I had to do this, but I just can't take it anymore, Ganondorf.
GANONDORF, through gritted teeth: You can't take what anymore, Princess?
PRINCESS ZELDA: My ship. They're destroying my ship!
(The CAMERA CREW groans. The DIRECTOR throws the script out of his hands.)
GANONDORF: For the last time, Zelda, you volunteered your ship up for use!
PRINCESS ZELDA: Yeah, but I didn't know they would be trashing the place!
GANONDORF: (Sighs. He looks at PRINCESS ZELDA from in between fingers glued to his head.)
PRINCESS ZELDA: I wouldn't expect a pig of all people to understand.
GANONDORF: (Groans.) And for that little remark, you just earned yourself an all-expenses-paid trip to the dungeon of your choice. Boys, take her to the Dark World.
(A couple of MOBLINS dressed in black security uniforms come out onto the deck and drag PRINCESS ZELDA away.)
PRINCESS ZELDA, kicking her feet as the MOBLINS pull her off-screen: No, wait! I'm sorry I uttered!
GANONDORF: Uh-huh. That's wonderful, Zelda. Have fun at Turtle Rock for me, okay? (ZELDA screams, but he waves at her anyway, and then once she's gone, he turns back to the camera.) Now, where were we?
(The camera resumes rolling. ORIGINAL LINK reaches into a crate. Struggling, grunting with exertion, he pulls out a squealing pink pig, and fighting its sharp hooves, stuffs it into his team's cargo hold. A second pig escapes from the aforementioned box and quickly throws itself onto the quarterdeck, shrieking madly. ORIGINAL LINK dives after it.)
A LINK TO THE PAST LINK, yelling: Get that pig, LINK!
ORIGINAL LINK: (Scowls.) I'm trying!
(The pig races across the deck, brushing past the heels of the other Links. ORIGINAL LINK, in the midst of deep frustration, thrashes madly about to get it, bumping and jostling the other players as he does so, even pushing poor VIOLET LINK into a wall in an attempt to get closer.)
VIOLET LINK: Fu—[beep!]!
GANONDORF, continuing, disinterested: There are various items scattered about to help them on their venture. Knives. Slings. Firewood…
(The chase continues around GANONDORF. The pig, still running and screaming, brushes against the back of a certain tall incarnate.)
ADULT LINK: Hyah!
(The sudden touch startles him, and almost knocks him down into the remains of the shredded crates.)
GANONDORF, still continuing: ...Rope. Lanterns, candles. Machetes…
(BLUE LINK bends over and tries to grab at bananas that are currently rolling around the quarterdeck due to its tumultuous rocking. RED LINK and TWILIGHT PRINCESS LINK duke it out over the last of the fishing rods. They both have an end of one, pulling at it in a fierce tug-of-war.)
GANONDORF, continuing once again: …But as you can see, there are not enough supplies for everyone. The teams are going to have to work together quickly if they want to have the absolute best chance at survival. After all, this is not only a game of chance, it is a game of endurance, a game of smarts…and it is up to these members right now to decide where they want to stand.
(CHILD LINK scrambles after the last bottle. SKYWARD SWORD LINK stands towards the back of the brawl, watching doe-eyed as the events unfold before him. GREEN LINK stands beside him, shaking his head slowly. It is almost impossible to believe they have been sealed to this fate.)
GANONDORF: Trustworthiness, honesty, and responsibility…
(A LINK TO THE PAST LINK grabs at WIND WAKER LINK's hair. WIND WAKER LINK cries out in tears.)
GANONDORF, continuing: Loyalty, resourcefulness, courage…
(ADULT LINK is seen brushing hay off his tunic. He wipes his brow with his gauntlet. ORIGINAL LINK can be seen winding his way around him, still chasing after the writhing, wriggling pig.)
GANONDORF: It takes these skills—and more—to make it to the top.
(DARK LINK intercepts some wooden rods that were intentionally thrown for A LINK TO THE PAST LINK. BLUE LINK glowers.)
GANONDORF: Heh. It's a brutal wake-up call; it's survival of the fittest.
(Time is running out. TWILIGHT PRINCESS LINK looks up from securing his team's valuables.)
GANONDORF: Twelve castaways.
(SKYWARD SWORD LINK and GREEN LINK finally look away from the scene. Their eyes are filled with mounting dread.)
GANONDORF, continuing: Twenty-three days.
(CHILD LINK pushes a crate of goods over to his team. TWILIGHT PRINCESS LINK gives him a high five and cheers triumphantly.)
GANONDORF, continuing: One survivor.
(Time running preciously short now, ORIGINAL LINK stashes a bug-catching net. RED LINK helps him secure their findings.)
GANONDORF: Hyrule, this is the moment you have been waiting for…
(ADULT LINK looks over the railing bordering the quarterdeck. He sees nothing but a sea of gray ocean. Face turning pale, he looks back to his team.)
GANONDORF: This…is Project Runway.
TIM GUNN: Teams edition!
ORIGINAL LINK: …?
GANONDORF: The winner of Project Runway will win a fashion spread in Marie Claire magazine; 125,000 rupees from L'Oreal Paris hair and makeup to start their own line; a technology suite from HP and Intel to run their business; and the chance to design and sell an exclusive collection…at Lord and Taylor!
(Everyone stops what they're doing. The ship goes silent, and a cucco clucks in the background. The Links and camera crew all look towards GANONDORF expectantly, befuddled expressions on their faces.)
GANONDORF: …What?
DARK LINK: Hold it, hold it, hold it. (Bats his hands.) Hold the phone. No one told me I signed up for some wussy-ass Project Runway!
GANONDORF: I don't know about you guys, but I find Project Runway to be pretty intense.
WIND WAKER LINK: But…this is SURVIVOR.
TIM GUNN: ...Heidi?
DIRECTOR: (Buries his hands in his face.) Security!
(The aforementioned couple of MOBLNS come and drag TIM GUNN and GANONDORF away. The Links and the camera people watch as this happens, their faces blank. There is a few more subsequent seconds of silence. Then the quick, rhythmic tribal drum beat muzak starts up again.
As if the very melody was a cue, the fighting, struggling, and stealing resumes once more as team members struggle to gather their last belongings in the remaining ephemeral seconds.)
DIRECTOR [voice-over]: The marooned ones have been divided up into two very distinct tribes…
(ORIGINAL LINK seals his crate shut. A LINK TO THE PAST LINK watches him, nodding his head up and down.)
DIRECTOR, continuing: The old generation…
(TWILIGHT PRINCESS LINK snags the last lantern.)
DIRECTOR, continuing: And the new generation…
(SKYWARD SWORD LINK high-fives GREEN LINK after they secure the last of their belongings.)
DIRECTOR: It's a timeless classic like never seen before.
(The clanking of chains can be heard, and the lifeboats are manned by the twelve boys. Quickly situating themselves into the two small canoes, the individual team members take no time in arming themselves with oars. Lowering themselves slowly down to the raging waters below via rope, they struggle to be the first ones to meet the sea without toppling over their supplies.)
DIRECTOR: They must learn to adapt, or be voted out.
(The boats land into the water with dual splashes, rocking and crashing against the churning waves. RED LINK wipes his hair—which is wet and plastered to his forehead—off his brow, and at the head of his ship, ADULT LINK directs the rowsmen.)
ADULT LINK: Hyah!
(He counts, his grunts marking the pace. His team takes a stroke. BLUE LINK can barely lift his oar, and struggles not to cry.)
ADULT LINK: Hyah!
(He counts again, and the team takes another stroke. They surge forward through the storm.)
DIRECTOR: The stakes here have never been higher.
(DARK LINK, on the other team, screams at his crewmates.)
DARK LINK: Faster! Faster, worms!
(They push forwards and backwards to the beat.)
DIRECTOR, continuing: For this is not only a test of a survival…
WIND WAKER LINK: Wait… I have an idea!
DIRECTOR, continuing: But it is also a test of social skills.
(WIND WAKER LINK stands on his seat, and raises both his hands. An index finger points to the sky, counting the beats to a tune that he can only hear. He looks ready to guide the wind, his hand at the ready, when he realizes…the Wind Waker baton had been confiscated prior to the start of the contest. He sits back down, only CHILD LINK noticing him, looking glum.)
DIRECTOR: Each team will be marooned on their own sides of the island… Cast aside, abandoned. Left to fend for themselves. They will have to work together to make ends meet, for it is the impressions that they make with the other castaways that will determine their fate.
(GREEN LINK is bushed already, taking one last stroke before setting his oar down in his lap. SKYWARD SWORD LINK nods at him, and offers him one of their snagged bananas.)
DIRECTOR: This is an adventure that will forever change their lives. Forging ahead to create a new society, they will battle the elements…and each other.
(A crash of thunder peals. The rain comes down even harder, bringing with it a white-out effect. The two boats paddle blindly through the waters, rising up and down with the swell of each wave. DARK LINK stands at the head of his canoe, pointing forwards like George Washington crossing the Delaware.)
DIRECTOR: They must adapt to clear the way, but in the end, only one will claim the million rupee-prize.
(TWILIGHT PRINCESS LINK ducks forward, eyes squinting through the blinding rain. His face is grim.)
DIRECTOR: Twenty-three days.
(VIOLET LINK grits his teeth, and pushes through the storm.)
DIRECTOR: Twelve Links.
(A LINK TO THE PAST LINK shouts to ADULT LINK as another growl of thunder steals away his voice. Their canoe rises up on a wave, and is on the verge of tipping over.)
DIRECTOR: One…survivor!
(The boats shoot through the storm, lightning flashing against the billowing dark sky. The camera pans out until the two boats are nothing but tiny specks and PRINCESS ZELDA's ship their watchful guardian. In the distance, a dark island is silhouetted black against the gray sea. The boats, slowly, but surely, are making their way towards it. The tribal drums muzak races faster. The telltale logo makes its way on-screen: SURVIVOR: GREAT SEA. Outwit. Outplay. Outlast.
Indeed…the Links' adventure awaits!)
TEAM ONE: [Original] Link; Link to the Past Link; Adult Link; Red Link; Blue Link; Violet Link.
TEAM TWO: Child Link; Green Link; Dark Link; Skyward Sword Link; Twilight Princess Link; Wind Waker Link.
