A/N
HI there! This is part one of a two-part story. Please let me know if I should continue and, further, what you would like to see in the second half. I appreciate comments and reviews as always. Thanks for reading! Happy Valentines Day!
:::
When I smile, I try to always make it meet my eyes. Even though, sometimes, I don't always feel it, I always try. Because other people feel it when you don't feel it…or when you do, you know?
Of course, it's been so much harder to smile all the way to my eyes these days. I guess you would expect that, that people expect that.
The problem with doing that, pretending that you feel it up to your eyeballs, is that you start to believe it even though it's far from the truth. And then it swells up in your body and you don't even notice until you're smiling so hard and tears are sprouting out of their little ducts and you're running out of the room and into your car and straight to who knows where.
But let me back up a little bit because it's important to know how someone gets up to that point, right? And who all is along for the ride…wanted or unwanted, known or unknown.
:::
ALARM NOISE, ALARM NOISE, ALARM NOISE
Arizona slapped her alarm off and yawned lazily. The blue light that comes with this early hour of the morning filtered cautiously into the room. Swinging her leg around the side of the bed and sitting up, she stretched into the silence of the room. She gently strapped her prosthetic to her remaining thigh and got up to dress.
The morning routine must be the same for most everyone, she thought.
1. Get up, Dress, Shower (optional)
2. COFFEE! Breakfast (optional)
3. Drive to work
4. Fight traffic
5. Cry
Okay maybe she was just embellishing with that last one. Amused, a small smile crossed her face. Grabbing her keys, she bounced off to work.
She grinned lightly at those she passed, brandishing her deadly dimples and twinkling her bright blue eyes at everyone she saw. As she guided her eyes around her surroundings, she spotted Callie rounding the corner ahead of her. She froze a moment before quickly adjusting to go another way. Just prior to disappearing "unharmed", she felt a firm hand on her shoulder. She dropped her posture and turned to face her accoster. Callie smiled, slightly frustrated and Arizona returned the favor, though slightly kinder.
"Hey, um. I know we finished in court and everything, but I just need you to sign this one last thing. It's about Sophia's school. You can go through and read it and whenever you're done, I'll be around." Callie stated, avoiding Arizona's gaze.
"Oh, o-okay. Yeah great I will—" Arizona trailed off as her ex-wife stalked off. She turned, shifting back and forth, her hands shuffling through and then resting in her hair. Her eyes stuck to a spot in the wall and she stared there, thoughtless and motionless. Then focusing on someone else's gaze on hers, she jumped softly, smiling sweetly and moving on to her rounds.
Stuffing her hands in her pockets and moving through the motions, she hardly thought about it again that day. Though she hardly thought about much, rustling around on auto-pilot with that convincing smile and laugh. Lunch came sooner than she realized, she pushed it off a while longer than usual to avoid running into Callie or anyone for that matter. Finally, around 2:30, she made her way to the cafeteria. She grabbed a sandwich and a drink, making her way to an empty table. A smile crept across her face and she thought how clever it was to come this late in the day. There were hardly any people in the cafeteria at all. Resting her eyes out the window, she began to eat her meal.
All too soon she felt a tap on her shoulder. With half a sandwich down, Arizona had nearly forgotten that anyone was around her let alone in the hospital or even in Seattle or further on Earth. Startled, she jumped, shaking the sandwich out of her hand and sloppily onto the tray.
"Oh sorry, I was just wondering if I could sit with you? I didn't mean to scare you…you okay?" Arizona looked up at the woman speaking, her words thinning out in her ears and dissipating into the air around them.
"Arizona?"
"Uh, um. Yes." She replied, unsure if this was the right answer to what Amelia was saying to her. Smiling in response Amelia sat down across from her friend. Arizona let out a slight sigh in relief and shifted her gaze to her sandwich. Suddenly she wasn't that hungry. Had she even been hungry in the first place? Could she have avoided the cafeteria entirely? She pushed her tray away in frustration. Looking up she saw Amelia chewing away at her own food, a look of confusion on her face. Smiling to try to comfort the brunette and assure her all was well, Arizona crossed her arms on the table and leaned in.
"So, ho-how's your day going? Any exciting cases?"
"Uh, no actually. Just a few routine consults and maintaining a few post-ops and that's really it." Amelia said with a few repeated nods.
"How about you?" She finished with a bite of her sandwich.
"Oh, everything's good, going good." She replied with a bit of a fidgety quality that made Amelia smile. Suddenly Arizona hopped up and grabbed her tray.
"Well, I have to go now. I've got some paperwork to finish up…bye" She shifted the chair back further making it scrape against the floor and release that obnoxious sound chairs make when they cross the floor. Slightly perturbed by the sound, Arizona shut her eyes and frowned almost imperceptibly, though Amelia seemed to notice.
"Bye" She stated once more and then walked out of the room, forgetting to get rid of her tray and instead taking it with her. Amelia expressed a bittersweet smile, feeling amused by the blonde while also feeling concerned.
:::
It had been two months since Callie and Sophia had left for New York with their Pretty Penny. Arizona droned on through the motions of the days, keeping in mind that summer would come and she would see Sophia again.
ALARM NOISE ALARM NOISE ALARM NOISE
She pressed the button to shut off the alarm. She had already been up for a few hours, waiting for her cue to rise and go through the daily routine people around the world shared. She got dressed, made coffee and got in the car, drove to work. She arrived quietly, smiling when she saw someone, passing through the halls and past nurses stations avoiding a word with anyone and everyone. Reaching the attending's lounge came as a relief. No one was here to bother her. She quickly changed into her scrubs and began her rounds. Greeting her patients with that thousand-watt smile and even a glimmer in the eyes, she passed through the day. She had one surgery at two and once she got to that it would be smooth sailing.
12:30pm
"Hey, Robbins!" Amelia spotted the peds surgeon from down the hall and ran to catch her as she turned the opposite corner.
"Robbins!" Still nothing, Amelia bounced around the other people in the hall to get to the blonde.
"Hey, Arizona! Geez, I've been calling after you." She smiled a bit out of breath. She rested her hand on Arizona's arm, Arizona looked down at it seemingly alarmed. At the sight of this, Amelia brought her arms down to her side and then across her torso, shifting nervously.
Arizona snapped back to herself and smiled sweetly.
"Oh sorry, I was just—I didn't hear you…sorry. What's up?"
"I was just wondering if you wanted to come get lunch! I'm going to meet Mer and Maggie and Alex in the cafeteria…do you wanna come? Are you busy, or…" Amelia smiled back unsure. Arizona froze, unsure of what to say, of how to get out of lunch with her friends.
"Oh, um, no thanks. I've got to go prep for a surgery and stuff so…" She smiled in reply.
Amelia smirked slyly and poked her friend in the arm.
"Well, I just read the board and it says your surgery isn't until two. Spare thirty minutes for lunch?" Arizona let out an uneasy laugh.
"Huah, okay y-yeah." She smiled and followed Amelia to the cafeteria. They grabbed their food, exchanging pleasantries mostly guided by Amelia with Arizona dropping one word answers and awkward grins.
They made their way to the table with their friends waiting. Alex looked up at Arizona and grinned,
"Well look who it is! In the flesh! In the cafeteria!" The others rolled their eyes as Arizona let out a squirmy smile.
"What? She never comes in here…it's like she doesn't eat. I only see her in the ER…" He trailed off at the glare from the other women. Arizona, though, wasn't paying any attention. She had focused on a small tree outside the window and stared off into the rolling pattern in the bark, the lull of the cafeteria chatter swarming about in the background.
Lunch passed with little event. Meredith and Alex had returned to their duties and left Maggie and Amelia with Arizona. Maggie looked worriedly from Arizona to Amelia. Trying to single Amelia to intervene with Arizona and say something to her. Frustrated that all of that couldn't be conveyed in one glance, Maggie rolled her eyes. Turning to Arizona, they softened.
"Arizona, we—" Laying a comforting hand on Arizona's Maggie began. Startled, Arizona snatched her hand away, inadvertently pushing her chair away from the table a bit.
"Uhm, sorry. I just wasn't paying attention…" The blonde defended, embarrassed. Her cheeks began to blush as Maggie smiled at her with a pitiful look in her eyes. Arizona frowned at this and stood up.
"I have to go. I have a surgery." She forced a smile and crossed the cafeteria, leaving her full tray of food sitting at the table.
2:00pm
"10 blade please."
Focusing in on her surgery was what Arizona needed. A distraction.
6:00pm
Distraction completed with success, Arizona emerged from the OR. She thanked her nurses and smiled at them, meeting her eyes.
1:00am
Arizona finished up paper work and headed home.
:::
FIVE MONTHS LATER
3:40am
Hitting the switch to turn off the alarm before it went off, Arizona rose from bed. She had been unable to sleep and decided to just get up.
She got dressed. Made coffee.
Only thirty minutes had passed. She headed to work early.
She smiled at those she passed. It even met her eyes. She smirked at this.
She made her way to the attending's lounge, not expecting anyone to be there at this hour. She changed and sat in silence on a couch staring off and out into the window. She hadn't noticed the shuffling coming from the restrooms. The door opened and Amelia passed through, jumping slightly when she saw her friend sitting on the couch.
"Arizona? What are you up to so early?" Arizona slowly ripped her eyes away from whatever was outside the window and turned to Amelia. She smiled.
"I just thought I would get here a bit early. Do some paperwork, check up things." Amelia smiled back.
"Oh okay. How are you doing?" She asked, sitting down next to the peds surgeon.
"I'm doing good. Sophia is coming in soon, so that's, that's good. Really good." She looked away nervously.
"Oh yeah! That is good. I'm glad she's coming in."
"But Arizona, how are you doing? Really?" She rested a hand on the other woman's leg and awaited an answer.
Arizona glanced down at the gesture. She felt an odd amount of disgust. She couldn't tell if it was at herself or this other person. Looking up, she grinned and shook her head.
"I'm fine Amelia. Really, honestly!" She placed her hand on Amelia's as an assurance. Amelia smiled. Arizona got up and walked towards the door.
"I'm going to go start rounds.
Thanks, Amelia."
The brunette smiled,
"For what?"
"For the concern."
:::
"She's coating. Shit! I need packing in here, NOW! 10 blade! Push ten of Epi. Shit!
Shit!" Arizona flung down her scalpel in frustration as the steady hum of the monitor broke through the room.
Stella Epstein, 12 Years old.
She wanted to be an English teacher.
Shoving her way out of the room she marched out into the hall, gloves, scrubs and all.
She pushed through hall after hall, weaving through the hospital with no particular direction. She ran into Webber, ran right into his chest as he walked away from a conversation with Maggie, Alex and Amelia.
"Dr. Robbins! Oh, my—what are you doing? You're covered in blood. You need to go clean up…Did you just come from surgery? Is everything okay?"
:::
Okay so this is it. My whole life has been leading up to this moment. Well, I guess you could say that about every, present moment. I look from Richard's face down to my hands. He was right. I was covered in blood. At first, I was startled. I hadn't remembered why it was that I was covered in blood. As you can imagine, that was a bit concerning. Soon enough I connected the dots. I ripped off the gloves and squeezed them in my hands. I looked back up and found Richard's eyes had turned into ones of furious concern. Looking behind him I saw similar expressions on the other three surgeons.
I smiled, maybe too quickly, I'm not sure. Okay maybe more than smiled, I grinned. I shook my head, pulling my hair out of the bun it was it. I brushed through my hair and continued to grin. Laughing slightly, I placed a hand on my hip.
"Yes, yes. Everything is great! I just completed a surgery. Young girl. You know how that goes! Hah!"
"Oh, uh. Yeah. How did it go?"
"Hah oh good, great, yeah. Well actually she-she um she died but it's all good. I mean everybody—everybody dies…right?" My smile twerked into a frown and my brow flustered into confusion for a brief moment before returning to a smile.
"Robbins, do you need a minute? I think you should come and talk to me for a minute. You know actually, I think this is the perfect time to address something a couple of us have been feeling for a while…we, we are just a bit conc—Robbins"
My teeth ground across one another as I forced the smile further. I felt tears spouting from my eyes, but the feeling was delayed so I'm not really sure how long I stood there like that. Finally, I felt them, burning hot and plump. Pounding down my cheeks faster than a Seattle downpour.
I turned away, shocked. Mostly at myself, but at the others too. I felt shock about everything. All that was here in the world and all that was beyond it. I felt my feet shaking across the floor, moving me in the direction of an exit. I thought I could hear someone calling after me, but I couldn't quite grab ahold of the thought, I couldn't quite turn around. I thought for second that I wanted to, to turn around. But just as that thought came, I was suddenly running after an exit and all the thoughts I might have had were stolen away.
I ran and ran through the parking lot. I'm not sure how I got to it, but I reached my car and climbed in. Still, I wonder if that was even my car, or if it was someone else's that I just happened to have a key to, or if it was even a car at all. I can't remember if it was raining that day or if that's just how I wanted to remember it. Rain adds drama to a situation like this, don't you think?
I felt myself moving. Gliding around. Of course, I was driving, but it felt like nothing was happening, at least not on my own. It was all just one big movement and I wasn't in charge of it at all.
I watched as we, me and the car, veered into the other lane. I wondered how fast we were going. I glanced down at the speedometer, 85 mph. I smiled.
Was this going to kill me? Is that what I wanted? I stared out at the road ahead, watching as we swirled around the round with no instruction. I watched as a pair of glossy yellow headlights watched me. They pulled forward and shouted at us with an excited honking. I dully watched them come closer. Suddenly, I realized what was happening. I looked down at the hands on the steering wheel. They were pale and white, as dead as fish. I focused on them, and gave a squeeze on the steering wheel. I felt shock shake through my body again, waking me up a bit. I looked back up. I hadn't been there in time.
I closed my eyes as we collided, releasing my hands from the steering wheel. I heard the glass and metal of the car cringe and shatter under the impact. I say I heard it, but really, I just felt it. The crash numbing my senses to a dull thud.
I felt the cradle of grass beneath me. The air was cold and wet. I felt sticking and stiff. I'm not sure if I could have moved, I didn't really try. I thought I would just lay there, waiting to see if someone would save me. I thought if I just lay there, something would happen that was meant to be.
I fell asleep.
:::
Waking up was a lofty process. I felt angry. I didn't think this was meant to be. I heard the cooing of the monitors in the room and the pressure from the IV. I opened my eyes a fracturing fraction and closed them immediately. The harsh sweep of light in the room angered me even more. I stayed awake like that a while. Listening to people come in out. Some of them I knew, Richard, April and Meredith. Some of them I didn't, nurses I suspect. I wondered how long I had been there. Had my parents been notified? Were they coming? I decided I didn't want any visitors.
I opened my eyes again when I heard someone enter my room. The stood facing away from me, reading my chart. I tugged at the back of their white coat. It was Amelia. She turned suddenly and I frowned.
"You're awake! Here, follow this light for me." She moved the flashlight back and forth in front of me expectantly. I pushed it away.
"I don't want any visitors." She frowned, confused.
"Okay…Can you look into the light for me? Follow it?" I turned my head stubbornly away from the neuro surgeon. She sighed with a slight smirk.
"Now that you're awake, we need to do the routine tests to make sure you're okay…"
"Then I'm going back to sleep." And with that statement I triumphantly turned my body around and shut my eyes, ignoring any further requests and statements from Amelia.
:::
I awoke again. It was the next morning. Meredith walked in with her own flashlight. She came in front of me and held it up.
"Amelia sent me. She thought I would have better luck." I shut my eyes in defiance. I heard her footsteps retreat outside the room and the hum of conversation take place. It seemed another day went by before anyone returned. I'm not sure if that's really how much time had passed.
Maggie came by and tried the same thing. I didn't even open my eyes.
"I know you're awake." She sighed.
Prove it. I thought.
:::
Amelia came back by that night. I opened my eyes. She held up a plate of chocolate cake and had a grin on her face. I frowned at her and rolled my eyes.
"Its ganachhhheeee! I know you'll love it. C'monnnnn. I even brought you milk and coffee!" I pursed my lips in indecision and then, finally, rolled them in decision. I reached out for the cake only for it to be pulled away.
"Ah, ah, ah. Follow the light." She smirked, holding up the flashlight. I frowned, but followed the light obediently.
"Good. Now squeeze my hands with one hand then the other. Left, right. Good." With that she sat back and forked a bite of cake into her mouth. My mouth lay agape. I couldn't believe it.
"You stole my cake." I said. She smiled at me playfully.
"If anyone is stealing anyone's cake, it's you who is stealing mine." She took another bite.
"I thought we could share." She said and smiled, putting a forkful up to my mouth. My face softened and I accepted the bite.
:::
"Well, that's it! You're all patched up. You can go home."
Arizona's eyes widened. She felt a small smile grace her lips.
"Really? No tricks?"
"No tricks." Amelia smiled sweetly in reply.
"But…." She continued, Arizona rolled her eyes.
"But nothing! You said no tricks…"
"I want someone to stay with you for a few weeks. You're not completely patched up…" She smiled, earning a grunt and frown from the blonde. Placing her hand on her friend's arm, she sighed.
"C'mon. You'll be back to work in no time! Just a few weeks."
"How many is a few?"
"Mmmmm….three….and a half…" Arizona flopped her hands of her chest and groaned.
"Fine, three!"
An eye roll.
"Two...and a half. I'm not budging any further."
"Fine." Arizona replied with a frown that teased into a tiny smile.
"Great! Now who shall it be?"
"What?"
"Who are you going to stay with?"
"Oh..Oh-I-I don't know." She stammered back.
"Hmm..What about Meredith?"
A head shake.
"Alex?"
Another.
"Owen..? Bailey..?"
A glare.
"Me?"
A look of surprise.
An eye-roll.
A smile.
Amelia smiled in return.
"I could stay with you. At yours." She looked away a bit shyly.
Arizona bit down on her lower lip, thinking.
"I can't ask you to do that…for two whole weeks?"
"Two and a half. And you're not asking, I am. C'mon! I'm great company. I have the best DVD collection, I cook, and I might even consider cleaning since you're all laid up." Amelia smirked, glancing upwards at a diagonal. Arizona suppressed a grin and looked down at her IV.
"Hmmm. You cook, huh?" Amelia nodded.
"What kind of DVD's?"
"Oh, you know." Arizona shook her head.
"It will be a surprise then. There's only one way to find out." She smirked.
"You just don't want to live with Meredith and Maggie anymore." She smiled lightly, rubbing her blanket in between her fingers.
"What? Don't be silly. I just want to live with you."
"For two and a half weeks."
"For two and a half weeks. Besides, I've got to keep an eye on you. I can see you getting pretty wild what with all the freedom you're about to get. Someone's got to keep you on a leash! You know, crack the whip." She said seriously, making a whip-cracking motion with her arm.
Arizona laughed.
"See! I even get you to laugh. It'll be perfect!" Arizona rolled her eyes again.
"It's settled then. I'll pack a bag." She smiled as she exited the room.
"You discharge at 8:30pm!"
"Why so late?"
"Because….that's when I get off. Duh." She smiled at her new roommate.
Arizona huffed, amused. She was in for it now.
:::
A/N
Hello one and all,
This is part one of a two-part story. The second part has not been completed yet. Please let me know if you would like me to continue this story. The second half would be about Arizona and Amelia's time together for the next two and a half weeks and where that may lead them. I appreciate you all reading this and look forward to reading your comments et cetera. Happy Valentines Day!
