Hello everybody!

This time I decided to use Jasper as inspiration, trying to imagine some different moments in his life, which I have always wondered about…

I hope you will like it and, if this is the case, that you'll review!

Naturally, nor Jasper neither any other character or event you do recognize from the Twilight saga belong to me! They are Stephenie Meyer's an hers only.

Hope you'll enjoy!

This first chapter is set right after Jasper tries to attack Bella on her B-day!

Chapter 1

Jasper's POV

I was in a nightmare.

There was no other possible explanation for what had just happened. After 150 years I had at last learnt how to sleep, because this could not be real. I couldn't have really done that. All, but not that.

In my terrifying nightmare, I had just attacked Bella.

Of all people, I had chosen to dream about attacking her, the girl who had finally taken my brother out of his deep-rooted numbness.

Yes, this HAD to be a nightmare.

Then, why was I running through the forest, feeling the wind on my face, the noises of animals and the mixed scents of wood, grass, earth and resin? Why wasn't I in my bed, with Alice? Why were anger, disappointment and desperate thirst raging all together inside me?

I absent-mindedly climbed a tall tree, hoping to fall down maybe, and wake up from this absurd dream, which was becoming too frightening. Even for me.

The blasts of nightly wind slapping me were not enough to bring me back to reality, but they helped clear my head a bit.

I felt that here at least I could not hurt anybody. This had to be enough for now. Until I'd wake up, as I knew I would.

I did. Edward woke me up.

I knew he was there as soon as he got close to the tree…I could feel his scent and all his emotions, screaming. Fear, anger, thirst, sadness, hesitation and…numbness. Again.

This was not a nightmare. No, it was much worse: it was reality. I had ruined it all and I didn't know exactly how to make it right. It was still a bit difficult for me to consider my pull towards blood wrong in itself. It was wrong, because I did not want to hurt people, but I was a vampire and there was nothing at all I could do about that.

After hesitating for a while, Edward climbed onto my tree and perched there, in front of me, his eyes lost and still anxious.

"You always loved climbing trees…" he said, after a moment of painful silence.

"Yeah. – I began - I…I am sorry. I tried, Edward, I swear, but I just can't live like this. I am sorry! - I managed to say – The pull is still too strong for me."

He did not look straight at me, but I knew he was listening to my words and to my thoughts. I felt crushed, totally forlorn.

"I know, Jasper, I know. I am sorry too."

I looked at him. Why would he be sorry? He was not the one who had jumped onto Bella, after all; he had only tried to save her from the monster.

"It's not your fault, Edward! It's me! - I admitted - I never thought my new life could be so difficult." I hated being weak and I hated more that my weakness could endanger all that I held dear.

"No, Jasper! You are not weak…"

"For God's sake! – I said angrily, suddenly jumping down the tree. He did the same, landing in front of me – Stop pretending that you don't know I am the weak link, here! Get angry! Kick me, attack me, but do something! I can't stand being pitied! I almost killed the love of your life! I am a monster!" Tears of frustration wouldn't have been out of place here. I breathed in and out furiously.

"I am too, Jasper. We all are!" he answered, calm and focused.

I turned away from him.

"Yeah? And still I was the one about to rip her throat." I wish he would see and get angry!

"I wouldn't be so sure." He sadly admitted, from behind me.

A strange surge of emotions swelled through me in that moment: beside my frustration and anger, were Edward's self-loathing and pain.

"How is she?" I asked in a whisper, at long last. That should have been my first question, but I was too busy screaming at me.

"Fine…she's stronger than we know." He answered, a hint of pride in his voice. He sat down on the damp grass.

"Truly…" I admitted. I believed it. Bella was utterly unconventional. When everyone ran, she would stand…she seemed not to care about herself at all.

"When I said I was sorry, I meant it, Jasper. I was not trying to pity you or make you feel better… - he began – And I am weak! Had I been strong enough to do the right thing time ago, none of this would have happened!"

"You can't choose if or whom to fall in love with. It just doesn't work like that…fortunately." I reminded him. It was true for him as it had been true for me.

I turned and sat by him. His face was unreadable, but I felt the deep fight now raging inside him.

"I can't stop loving her, of course. I always will. But I can't pretend this is a good thing. I can't pretend that I…that I am good for her. I should let her go on with her life. I can't risk her getting hurt because of what we are…" He was serious and there was a strange determination in his voice, but I could not feel any accusation towards me.

"You will never hurt her, Edward. I will leave and stay away, as long as I need to make sure I won't do this again – I finally said. It really seemed like the best option here – I don't want to be the one to hurt her."

Her scared eyes and the shock she had felt washed through me again, making me shiver.

"A part from Carlisle, we were all very close to hurt her, Jasper. You felt this and you could not resist a thirst six times more desperate than usual. It could have been anyone of us. It could have been me! – he shook his head, defeated – It's the love I feel for her that barely kept my instinct at check. It could have been anyone of us."

"But it wasn't…" I protested.

"It could have been any of us!" He repeated, louder this time. This was a statement, not something said in order to comfort me.

"Regardless, I should leave. I just hope Alice will accept to go with me." I shivered again, at the prospect of having to leave without her.

"She'll follow, you know that - he stated – And I will too, if you will allow me. It's time to do what is right. For her."

"Edward…" I was not entirely sure this was a good idea. I did not want this! I did not want a numb Edward around again. I did not want to separate them.

"No, Jasper. My decision is taken. I will lie, I will let her live her own safe, monster-free life. I owe her that. As long as I am far away, she'll be fine. I will live and love on, thinking I did this for her. I have been selfish enough in this matter."

This could not work. They were meant to be together. One way or the other. And Alice had foreseen something that would have been a solution to all this mess.

"No! - I felt Edward flinch beside me - That vision will never become true as long as I can help it. She does not deserve this life. She is perfect the way she is. She'll have her own chance at happiness. I would never take her life away because of my selfishness…"

I knew enough of my brother to know that there was no way to talk him out of this. What radiated from him was determination and courage, now. He could be stubborn and I knew that all he wanted was for Bella to be fine. Safe.

"You should go, now! - I told him – It's her birthday, after all. Don't waste you time with me...I am fine! Go. I'll stay a while and then go back home."

He nodded twice, stood up and started to walk. Slowly, as if he did not want to face what I had done and what he was about to do.

"I hope I'll be as strong as you are, sooner or later, brother." I shouted at him.

"No you don't!" he shouted back, chuckling.

Truly, I did. But I would try harder, for him, for Alice, for my family and for Bella.

I felt this was not the end of this impossible love. I knew it.