auther's note: this is my first fanfiction. i'm really sorry ahead of time if it's bad or if any characters are OOC. please review...if you want
"You bastard! How could you hurt my brother like that?" I hear Lovino running down the hall. I don't pay attention to him and put my books in my rucksack, not interested in whoever had hurt Feliciano.
I was just about to leave when Lovino grabbed me and picked me up.
"Why would hurt my brother?" he yelled at me.
"What? I would never hurt him." It then sinks in that he thinks I'm Alfred. I quickly shake my head. "I'm Matthew, not Alfred!"
He doesn't hear me. He hits me and rams me against the locker. He continues to beat me up until Alfred walks past on his way to football practice.
Lovino put me down and went after Alfred calling, "Get back here bastard!"
I got up and limped to my bus. I stare out the window as I often do, hoping the bus driver actually stops at my stop.
The next few days go past in similar ways.
At the end of the week as Alfred drives to school with me in the passenger's side I look out the window and start thinking.
'No one would ever notice if I'm gone. And maybe people would go after Alfred and not settle for me. No one would care if I'm gone anyway.' I thought it over while we drove, and then I decided.
After years of neglect, people won't need to remember me anymore.
When we got to school, I got out of Alfred's Ford truck and walked down the hall. I went to my locker, put my stuff away, and went to the gym.
Nobody notices me, so I go to where they keep the equipment for the archery unit. I grab an arrow and look around the room to make sure no one's there but me. The room is empty.
As I go to stab myself, someone grabs the arrow away from me. It's dark in the room, so I can't tell who stopped me.
"What the hell do you think you're doing?" he asks me. He sounds familiar.
"I wasn't doing anything." It was a weak lie, but I had never been good at lying.
"No one tries to kill themselves in front of the awesome me." Oh, he was that one guy in history class. I think his name is Gilbert?
He grabbed my arm and pulled me out of the gym. Now that I could see him, I recognize him as the albino in the back of the room. I often see him with Antonio and Francis.
He brought me outside underneath a tree. He sat me down and sat across from me.
"Why were you trying to kill yourself?" he asked.
I was silent for a moment before answering, "No one notices me, but when they do, they normally are mistaking me for my brother."
He looks at me for a minute before saying, "Aren't you in my math class?"
I look at him for a minute. Maybe he thinks history was math class. "I'm in your history class." I say in my quiet voice.
He looks at me confused for a minute, then says, "Oh, I thought you were Alfred."
I stare at him, mouth agape for a minute. Why does everyone do that? I feel myself start to cry, and I turn away so he won't see.
"Hey, what's the matter?" He turns me around so I'm facing him. I try to stop crying, but I can't.
"What's wrong?" He asks, softer this time.
"I-I a-always have to be in m-my brother's sh-shadow." I bury my face in my hands. I feel him rub my back.
"If you don't want to be in his shadow, go make yourself known! Play a sport, join a club, do something!"
I sniff and say, "I-I do play a sport. I play i-ice-hockey."
He brings his hand back with a soft "Oh."
"Yeah, 'oh'." I stand up and get to my first class, wiping tears from my eyes.
I didn't really pay attention in any of my classes. I don't pay attention to anything. Well, until lunch anyway.
I was sitting in a corner without a lunch. I wasn't hungry. I was thinking of another way to take my life when I heard Alfred.
"HEY BRO! IS GILBERT TELLIN' ME THE TRUTH DUDE?"
Everyone looked over at Alfred, running over to me, bringing everyone's gaze with him.
He stood across from me with his hands on the table. "WELL IS IT?"
"Alfred, could you lower your voice? Everyone's staring." I felt my face grow a bit warmer, not used to being the center of attention.
Alfred sits down across from me and waits until everyone looks away before continuing.
"Did you really try to kill yourself because you live in my shadow?" He looked concerned. I tried not to answer, but I couldn't stop myself, and I slowly nod.
"No one notices me."
"Why didn't you tell me you were feeling ignored? I woulda totally helped you."
"I tried to tell you Al, but you were always playing video games with Tony, or you didn't even notice me."
"Dude, I-I'm sorry. I really am. I'll pay more attention to you Mattie, I swear!"
I shake my head. "It doesn't matter anymore Al. Don't worry about it."
Alfred got up and sat down next to me. He wrapped his arms around me in a hug, nearly knocking me over.
"Don't worry Mattie, I'll get you noticed, OK? It's my duty as a hero to help my brother."
"Not helping…now." I gasp out. He lets go of me after he realizes he was crushing me. I take a few shaky breaths.
"Sorry dude, I'm gonna get some lunch, I'll be right back." He got up and left, no doubt getting hamburgers (I have no clue how he always gets some) and soda.
I put my head down on the table. I start to doze off.
I'm awoken from my small nap a few minutes later when Alfred comes back with some food he throws down on the table.
"Here, I got ya some food."
I lift my head up to see Alfred sitting across from me with a huge grin on his face and, of course, he had a burger in his hand. He had also bought me lunch, which was on a tray in front of me.
"Thanks, but I'm not hungry." I mutter.
"What's that dude? Ya gotta speak up." He said through a mouthful of burger.
I sigh and tell him, "I'm not hungry" again.
"What? But you hardly had breakfast, ya gotta be hungry!"
I just shake my head. My mind has already been made up; Alfred can't help me now.
At the end of the day, Alfred hovers by me as I get my stuff from my locker. When I have everything together, Alfred grabs my arm and tugs me over to some of his friends. He introduces me to everyone, but I don't pay much attention. Until he mentions Gilbert.
Gilbert somehow recognizes me and says, "By the way Matthew, you're welcome." I only glared at him a bit, but he only laughed a little.
After a few minutes of standing there while Alfred talked with his friends, he dragged me back to his Ford. He got me into the passenger's side and he drives us back to the house.
Only we weren't going back home.
I glanced over at him, confused, when he turned down a different street. He didn't slow down, or seemed to even notice it was a different street.
We stopped after a few minutes in front an empty field. The road was clear, and there was no one around. Al turned the music down and looked over at me.
"Dude, why'd ya do it? Why'd ya try to… kill yourself?" I didn't know Al could be quiet, but apparently, he could.
"…I'm invisible, so it's not like it would matter anyway." I looked out the windshield so I can avoid looking at him.
"Bro, just do something to get yourself noticed."
"I've tried Alfred, but I was still ignored. I only get noticed when people think I'm you, but it's always because you pissed them off."
Alfred thought for a moment before saying, "You would think they would know the difference between us. Don't you tell them you're not me?"
"Yes! But they always ignore me. So I'm just giving up. Please, don't stop me."
"Dude, I'm the hero. I can't let you give up." He leaned over and hugged me (thankfully it wasn't a death hug this time) and told me, "Don't worry Mattie, you're gonna be OK."
He let go of me after a minute. "There's always another option Mattie, remember that. There is always another option. Ya got that?" I nodded as he started the engine again. "Good." He smiles and tousles my hair a bit. I pat it back down as we drive home. And as we make our way there, I think about what Alfred had said: 'There is always another option.'
We made it home a few minutes later. I got out of Al's Ford and went to my room without a word. I closed and locked my door and flopped back on my bed. I stare up at the ceiling until my pet polar bear appears over my head.
"Who are you?" he asks me, tilting his head to the side a bit.
"I'm Canada." I tell him with a weak grin.
"OK." He puts his head on my forehead, and I pat his head.
A few hours later after dinner, Alfred is banging on my door. "COME ON MATTIE, LET ME IN!" He waited a minute, then banged louder on my door. "COME ON!"
He opened my door after a minute with the key above my door (I should probably move it again). He came in and sat on my bed next to me. "You missed dinner." He informs me. I sigh.
"Yes, I know."
He grabs my shoulders and pulls me up so I'm sitting. I look down at the floor.
"Come on Mattie, ya gotta eat something."
I shrug. He grabs my hand and drags me downstairs to the kitchen. He sits me down, opens the refrigerator, pulls something out, puts in the microwave, and faces me.
"Dad didn't make that, did he?" I ask, cautiously.
Alfred chuckles a bit. "Naw, dad didn't make it. And I didn't either." Good, Papa made it. I nod my approval.
A minute later, the microwave beeps. Alfred takes the food out, which I now see is some French cuisine. He sets it in front of me and sits across from me.
"We're not leaving 'til you eat that." He says. I nod and eat in silence.
When I finish Alfred puts my plate in the sink, and then brings me up to his room. He sits me on his bed, hooks up his game system to his TV, got some video games, and held them out in front of me. "Choose one."
Great. Being practically forced to eat, and now he wants me to play video games with him. I point at one without looking at them.
"Great, I love this one!" He puts it into the system and hands me a controller.
Hours later, I get tired of dying so many times. I get up and tell him, "I'm going to bed, I'll see you tomorrow."
He grunts something about getting a high score, so I leave to my room.
I sit in front of the mirror in my room, thinking. Always another option, eh? I lean my head in my hand and tap my fingers on my desk.
While I thought, I vaguely remember something I had heard about. How some kids cut themselves and feel better afterwards. Maybe it'll work for me.
I take a pair of scissors from my drawer and open them. I pull up the left sleeve of my red hoodie and put the edge of the scissors to my upper forearm.
I press them down, but I pause, shaking before I break the skin.
Do I really want to do this? What if someone finds out? Would I get in trouble, or would no one notice and just ignore it? What if Alf-
My thoughts are interrupted when I feel a sharp pain in my arm and then I feel blood. I look down at my arm and see the cut there. I slowly cut myself again a little lower on my arm, and realize that it does make me feel better. I make at least three more cuts before I stop.
I bandage the cuts so I won't bleed onto the bed or my shirt.
I crawl into bed with Kuma…Kumacharo (?) by my head.
/
A few weeks later, I found myself looking into the mirror after taking a shower. I had cut myself before showering, but I feel like I need to again. I've been cutting myself even more lately.
I grab the blade and cut my arms again. I let them bleed into the sink for a few minutes before cleaning and bandaging them . I rinse the blood out of the sink before I leave.
While going to my room, I bump into dad.
"Sorry." I mutter. I walk past him, but he grabs my wrist and stops me.
"Why are your arms covered in bandages?" he asks me. I forgot to wear long sleeves and instead was wearing a black Tee.
I sigh and tell him, "The neighbor's cat scratched me again."
"That cat really doesn't like you, does it?" He chuckles a bit and ruffles my hair. "Good night then." He walks away and I grumble a bit as I go back to my room.
I lay down and hold Kumamaro to me. He looks up at me, but doesn't say anything. I hold him close and start to fall asleep, but I hear someone knocking on my door.
"Go away." I say. I'm unheard, seeing as the door opens anyway and Papa comes in. he sits down on my bed.
"Are you OK Mathieu?" he asks.
"Yeah, I'm fine."
"Why are your arms all cut up?" He takes my arm and holds it out for us to see.
"Neighbor's cat." I mutter, trying to pull my arm away.
"His cat isn't mean, he wouldn't scratch you. And if he did, it would not be this much."
"Well, it doesn't matter." I say, still trying to my arm away.
"It does mater." He looks closely at my arm for a minute while I frantically try to pull it away. He looks up at me, confusion and worry on his face. "Have you been…cutting yourself?" he asks in extreme worry.
My eye start to water, and I very slowly nod.
"Mathieu, why?"
"I-isn't it better th-than killing myself?" I feel tears start to fall.
"Why would you kill yourself?" he sounds shocked.
"No one notices me. It's not like anyone would care if I was gone." I whisper.
"Non ce n'est pas. (No it's not). A lot of people would care." He pulls me into a hug, and I cry into his shoulder.
"I just feel so alone all the time." I say between sobs.
"We'll always be here for you mon cher." He holds me to him until I fall asleep a few minutes later.
\\\
The next morning I wake up with Kumajarna in my arms. I put him down, sit up, and rub my eyes. Everything's so fuzzy, but I realize someone had taken my glasses off.
I grab a sweatshirt and put it on before I put my glasses on and go downstairs. I sit down on the couch and wait for someone else to wake up.
Around a half hour later, Papa comes down. "Morning." I say as he comes down.
"Bonjour Mathieu." He sits down next to me. "Did you sleep well?"
"Yes." I wait a minute before saying, "Thank you for talking with me last night. It helped."
"Good. Now, let's go get some breakfast before your father wakes up and poisons us with his."
"OK." I get up and follow him to the kitchen where I help him make crepes.
Dad comes down while we make them, but he just gets his coffee and has some scones. He does sit with us while we eat though. He keeps giving me worried glances that I try to ignore.
When we finish eating, I hear Alfred coming down the stairs. He comes into the kitchen and goes right to the refrigerator.
"Oh no you don't." Dad says. He gets up and pulls Al out of the refrigerator. "Get some real food for breakfast."
"Mattie!" Alfred breaks free of dad's grip and comes over to me. "Remember when I said i would get you noticed? Well, I'm gonna fulfill that promise today!"
"How? It's Saturday." I get up, put my dish in the sink, and go into the living room. Alfred grabs me from behind and I let out a quiet yelp.
"I'm gonna take you out somewhere, OK?"
"Where?"
"It's a surprise. Now go get dressed." He pushes me towards the stairs. I go back up to my room to get changed. I have nothing better to do today but brood anyway.
I get on a pair of black jeans and red sneakers, leaving on the red sweatshirt I had put on earlier.
"Who are you?" Kumataro asks as I get dressed.
"I'm Canada."
"Are you going somewhere?" He comes over and sits on the edge of the bed next to me as I tie my shoes.
"I suppose I am."
"Where?"
"I don't know."
"Why?"
"Alfred won't tell me." I stand up, but he stops me before I leave.
"Hey, be safe, OK?"
I smile a bit over at him and nod. "OK."
Once I get down the stairs, Alfred grabs my wrist and gets me into his Ford.
While he drives, I just look out the window, trying not to think about hurting myself.
When we reach a stop light, I feel Al's hand on my shoulder. I look over at him.
"Ya know you can talk to me right?" He takes his hand back. "About anything. You know that, right Mattie?"
I sigh. "Yeah, I know that Al."
"Really. Anything. I want you to know you can talk to me, and I'll listen, I really will!"
"Ok. I know."
I, of course, don't believe him thought. He never really has listened.
An hour later, I find out where 'somewhere' is.
"Why's you bring me here?" I ask kind of scared. I don't want to get out of his Ford, but Alfred drags me out anyway.
"Come on, it'll be fun." He tells me as he drags me to the club.
"No it won't be!" He ignores me of course.
He somehow gets us in and, despite all my protesting, gets me seated at the bar with a drink.
"How will this get me noticed again?"
"Well there are people here. Get drunk and go party dude!" he tells me with a drink in hand.
I shake my head. "No way I'm drinking this stuff."
"Come on man. It'll make you likeable."
I stare at him with my mouth partially open. It'll make me likeable? I'm not likeable already?
"Dude, that's not what I meant." I hardly hear him, too lost in my thoughts.
After a minute I snap out of it.
"Not likeable, eh?" I sigh "Well, fine." I'll just cut myself that much more when I get home.
I take the drink in front of me and force myself to drink it. I keep drinking, even beyond the point where I start to fell weird. I don't remember what happened after that, and then everything goes black.
