This fanfic has been rated PG for much silliness, and magically-inspired
sight gags. Warning: plot spoilers abound!
Introductory note: this fanfic was originally a response to a METMA Challenge, where an impending weekend would see a special a concert being held in Hogsmeade, and a guest band was invited. Only 3rd years and up could attend this one-in-a-lifetime concert. The story also had to involve the following items/events:
-someone had to catch rabies
-Snuffles had to make a cameo somewhere
-hotdogs had to become airborne
-there needed be an accident that caused Harry to lose his scar
-someone had to say, "Tu madre!" which is Spanish for "Your Mother!" repeatedly
-someone had to comment on how His lordship Chaos has such a cute butt
Okay…so that last one was something I made up. But if the chance comes, I'm sure it'll wind up in the fic somewhere! That said, sit back, relax and get ready for…er…something!!
His lordship Chaos presents:
Something completely disavowed by J.K. Rowling!
(a.k.a. BLACK BAT STRUT)
1 Chapter the First: No, He's Not Friends With Lestat
It wasn't easy having a vampire for a roommate, as Ginny Weasley could attest to. Oh sure, some kids had an actual Bogeymen lurking in their closet, or a thing (not a monster or a beast, just a "thing" that defied all possible classification) hiding somewhere under their bed. Even Ron had the attic ghoul above his bedroom. But could she, the youngest child and only Weasley daughter, actually get a decent sort of creature skulking in her room?
Apparently the answer was no, and a rather pronounced "NO" at that.
The vampire in question, a somewhat precocious git who liked to call himself "Malibu" had moved into her room during her absence while she had been attending her 3rd year at Hogwarts.
He liked to brag about how he'd traveled the world, learned no less than half a dozen languages, dined at the best possible restaurants (and subsequently on the restaurant's best customers), stolen the moon during a lunar eclipse once about 400 years ago, knew the secret location of Atlantis (which he confided actually happened to be the pond in his backyard), and had earned himself the most impressive man-eating stamp collection this side of the globe.
When he had first appeared, he had assumed that Ginny automatically knew what exactly a vampire looked like. However, she was due to learn about vampires (along with other such dangerous mythical creatures like Erklings, Quintapeds and Bill Gates) in her fourth year, so as far as she knew, he was just an annoying neighbour who never bothered to try using the door instead of the window.
So what of his physical features? He looked like any other person mostly: shoulder-length brown hair, blue eyes, good body frame. Well…at first, Ginny thought it might have been that he had naturally pale skin, or a really pronounced Vitamin-D deficiency. That was quickly dismissed when Malibu mistakenly walked into a beam of sunlight one afternoon and burst into flame.
On the other hand, this suddenly explained why he had a habit of accidentally biting his tongue with his somewhat pronounced canines. (Ginny had first supposed he simply was in dire need of what Hermione referred to as a 'dentist' to get rid of his overbite.) However, he never did once try to go out of his way to bite her. According to Malibu, Ginny was not his type. Type A Positive, to be exact, and Malibu was in fact so elitist that he only dined on the rarer AB+ blood-types. In fact, as he put it, he preferred to dine alone and always felt over-pressured when having to snack in front of a crowd.
By now, all of you readers out there are probably asking yourselves, "If a tree falls on Rita Skitter in the forest, and no one's around, does anyone really care?" Barring that, you're probably also asking yourselves just why Ginny hadn't bothered to tell her parents or even one of her older brothers about this unexpected vampire hanging out in her room. Or why Ginny hadn't bothered to just read up on vampires and then dispatch of Malibu herself.
Truth of the matter was that, for as annoying as he could be sometimes, Malibu was a complete pushover, if not a teddybear (albeit a blood-sucking teddybear). In fact, Ginny came to quite enjoy having her own personal vampire. He always hid from the rest of her family, was never in visible sight during the day—choosing instead to turn into a small bat and snuggle comfortably between the extra blankets on the top shelf of her cramped closet—and Ginny found it a bit of a thrill to have such a reputedly dangerous magical creature as her own ersatz pet. And threatening to either stake him or boot his bat-winged butt into the daylight always kept him in line.
In short, over the span of the summer, Ginny had domesticated Malibu.
The day before she was to board the Hogwarts Express along with Ron and the twins, Ginny trudged up the stairs. She quickly glanced down the hall to make sure no one was around to peek inside or unexpectedly barge in, and then slipped into her bedroom.
Malibu was sprawled across the ceiling, laying there as if it were the floor, a pillow cushioning his head and a book entitled, 'The Acromantula & The Aardvark' in one hand. With a somewhat horrified voice he cried out, "Look out, Mister Aardvark, he's right around the corner—er, divine evening tonight, wouldn't you agree, Ginny?"
'The Acromantula & The Aardvark' was quickly tossed elsewhere, and replaced with the rather lengthy paperback novel 'Your Hungarian Horntail Can Moo, Can You?'
Ginny just sighed and rolled her eyes. At least he wasn't perusing another Playmuggle centrefold again.
She set out to pack all her belongings for her new year at Hogwarts. Their Mum always made sure her children's luggage was packed the night before they left for Platform Nine and Three-Quarters. As it was, they had already visited Diagon Alley for their supplies and textbooks—and had been met with no less than twenty-six flying rumours about how Voldemorte was back' how he was establishing a new sect of Death Eaters; how he had cursed the witch Ambercrombie by switching her nose with her thumb; and how he had done the most wicked thing of all, and sold his pride in exchange for top billing in a Vegas floorshow.
All her books, scrolls, quills and potions supplies sitting neatly with her cauldron inside a rather green steamtrunk, Ginny set out to get her wardrobe ready for transit. Something rustled behind her, and the shadows on the wall shifted.
Malibu was now standing upside-down on her ceiling, peering inquisitively down at her open suitcase. "Running away?"
"No," Ginny replied as she pulled her school robes from the dresser and began to neatly fold them on her bed.
"Thought not," Malibu sighed. "At any rate, if you were, I know this smashing little chateau down in Switzerland. Simply divine view of the lake from the balcony, and if you forget about the fact that some sort of lizard- creature's eaten about seven or so tourists since last summer, it's quite the enjoyable trip."
"I'm sure," Ginny absently agreed, setting her school robes aside. She began packing away a few sweaters in anticipation for the cold halls during the winter. "Look, Malibu, school starts tomorrow, so I'm going to be gone for the next few months. Think you can behave yourself while I'm away?"
However, Malibu eye's lit up not at the prospect of having her room to himself again, but at the idea of travelling to Hogwarts. "Can I come?" he asked.
"No."
"Why not?"
For an umpteenth time since the beginning of the summer, Ginny stated in no uncertain terms, "Because you'd never last three days at Hogwarts, Malibu. You'd have to hide during the day while the sun's out, and there's a curfew at night so you'd have skulk around by yourself. Not to mention avoid being caught by Filtch or Mrs. Norris. And," she always finished with this notable point, "you are a vampire. Dumbledore might give you breathing room, but if anyone else saw you, most students would either demand our Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher kill you, or they'd kill you themselves."
Malibu's face screwed up into an indignant, sulky expression, then with a haughty hmph he turned his back to her and snorted, "Tu madre."
Ginny rolled her eyes. For a vampire who claimed to be so well-versed in so many languages, it was rather odd that Malibu's only good comeback to anything was to say "Your mother" in Spanish.
Though she had to be honest with herself: working on getting Malibu to behave himself (and having him at her beck and call) was the best way for her to forget about all the rumours of Voldemorte's return. After the horrible ending to the Triwizard Tournament, everyone at Hogwarts had left feeling particularly depressed.
Ginny frowned at that. The last thing she wanted was Harry Potter (blush!) to mistake Malibu for an actual vicious vampire and stake him one night. Harry, her brother and Hermione were notorious for their late-night running around. Even worse, how could she explain to the three of them, let alone Harry (blush!) that Malibu was her pet—er, friend. Especially now with Voldemorte having returned, any monster of questionable virtue would be suspected as an agent of Voldemorte.
If only she was actually able to talk more with Harry (blush!) about things like this. She'd tried to write him by owlgram eight times this summer, and every time she crumpled up the paper and tossed it. She was thinking about Harry (blush!) all the time—whenever she wasn't contending with Malibu—but did Harry think about her? And in what ways? (BLUSH!!)
"Ginny, you're turning redder than your hair," Malibu remarked. With a sly grin he leaned closer to Ginny's ear and whispered, "Pervert."
Ginny shrieked at that. She spun around, grabbed Malibu by both ears and then yanked down as hard as she could. Malibu's feet left the ceiling, and he went crashing facefirst onto the floor, his legs bending over his head, one or two of his toes twitching painfully.
"Ow," came his muffled voice through the floorboards.
Suddenly realising what she'd done, Ginny's face turned a shade of red and she said, "Um…sorry about that, Malibu."
"Sure, everyone picks on the vampire, just because he's dead and technically doesn't feel a thing when his spinal cord is nearly broken in three different places," muttered Malibu.
Ginny helped straighten him out and uncurl him. Whereupon Malibu decided that just sitting back on the ceiling, and importantly out of Ginny's reach, was the best way to go. He idly grabbed at a moth orbiting Ginny's light, while below Ginny continued her packing.
"You know, while just telling me to 'sit' is a little bit degrading, it's certainly a lot less painful than that," Malibu sighed. He was gingerly rubbing the side of his neck, and every now and again a few pops from his muscles would be heard. "Though I definitely hit a nerve with you."
Ginny froze just as she was setting down her swimsuit and three pairs of socks.
"You weren't thinking about that Harry Potter guy again, were you?"
BLUSH!!!
"I'll take that as a 'yes'," Malibu remarked as he noted Ginny's flustered reaction. "You know, if you've got that much of a crush on the guy, just bloody well go and ask him out. What's the worst he could do?"
In a very quiet voice, Ginny answered, "Say 'no'."
"You know," Malibu said. "Sitting around pining for the guy isn't going to get you anywhere. I mean, it's not like he's taken, is he? If he's not dating anyone, you might as well go and ask him. You're best friends with him, aren't you? Gives you the edge, I should think."
"It's a little more complicated than that," Ginny sighed. And that complication had a name: Cho Chang. How could she compete with someone like that, when Harry only saw her as more like a kid sister?
Naturally, Malibu being Malibu, he completely misinterpreted what Ginny had meant. "What, you mean Harry isn't into girls?" he said in surprise, gawking at her. "He's not going out with that Draco pouf you've mentioned before, is he?"
The notion was so ridiculously silly that Ginny burst out laughing and quite happily forgot about her angst. "Harry…and Draco?" she giggled. "Harry and Draco?!" Then she dissolved into fits of laughter and doubled over on the bed.
Malibu lifted one of his eyebrows. "Was it something I said?"
* * *
After considerable effort and some surprising tears, Ginny said her good- byes to Malibu before she left with her family…and then locked him in the closet since he had now decided he was going with her. It was the best thing, really, Ginny reflected as the Weasley family drove to the King's Crossing Station to meet with their train. A vampire in Hogwarts would be nothing but trouble.
And she'd already had her own fill of trouble, after having contended with Tom Riddle and his demon-possessed diary. She was now the only girl she was aware of in Hogwarts who didn't keep a diary or personal journal, not that anyone really questioned the matter. This year was no doubt going to have its fair share of surprises and adventures, both sought out and unwanted, but she was ready for anything.
Getting onto the platform went without incident, and there were many happy reunions and hair-toussling as she, Ron and the twins met up with Harry, Hermione and many of the other Gryffindor students. The ride became even more entertaining when Draco suddenly appeared inside their train car to glomp Harry and exclaim, "Oh, Harry-poo, I missed you so much! Give us a kiss!"
It was rather amusing to watch Harry frantically perform a charm to pry Draco off himself.
Ginny caught herself wishing that Malibu had been able to see that, and finally understand why she had giggled so much over what he'd said last night. But then again, Malibu was a grown-up vampire…even if vampires never really aged…and could take care of himself while she was gone. He'd been on his own in her room for part of last year anyways.
The Hogwarts Express pulled up to the castle, and everyone disembarked. What followed was the usual fun as they watched the new first years get sorted by the Sorting Hat, then devoured a sumptuous feast that Headmaster Dumbledore had materialise from seemingly thin air. After all that, the Gryffindors headed off to their room to celebrate, and eventually get some sleep for the next day's start of classes.
More than enough times Ginny and Harry caught each other's glances (blush!), and in the Griffyndor common room she bumped into Harry (blush blush!) after Fred and George unleashed their latest culinary trick—er, treat.
Although seeing Neville suddenly turn into a giant lobster and wave his pinchers about in frantic motions made for an incredible five minutes of laughter. Especially when George brought out the butter.
As the hour drew close to midnight, Ginny found herself tiring out, and joined Hermione & a couple of other Gryffindor girls to their room to unpack and get some sleep. However, there was still one more surprise patiently waiting for her. Just as Ginny opened her suitcase, out from the crack came a festive blow-out uncoiling and letting loose a small squeak of celebration.
The colour from Ginny's face drained away, and she stared at the partially open suitcase in disbelief. "It had better not be who I think it is," she muttered, loud enough for the culprit inside to hear her.
"Ginny, is something the matter?" Hermione asked from across the room.
Ginny spun around, smiling as innocently as she could while blocking her suitcase from view. "Nothing! Nothing at all."
When she was certain the other girls were engrossed with their unpacking, she whirled and glared into her suitcase. "Malibu, what are you doing in there?"
"Suffocating, mostly," came Malibu's voice. Out from between two sweaters her mother had knit for her, crawled a small furry bat gasping for air.
"You can't stay here!" Ginny hissed at him. She carefully turned her suitcase away from everyone else, so no one could see Malibu climbing out and hopping onto her bed. "If you get caught, they'll probably stake you on the spot. And if they learn I was taking care of you, I'll get expelled."
"No worries," Malibu said. Using his wings like stilts, he walked over her bedsheets. "Saaaay, these are pretty soft. Mind if I just curl up in them while you're away at classes tomorrow?"
Ginny quickly caught Malibu up in her palms and brought him right up to her face. "NO."
"Hmph! Tu madre," Malibu sniffed indignantly, crossing his wings over his chest. "You never let me have any fun, know that, Ginny?"
"I do not want to hear about you snacking on any of the students, my friends especially," Ginny said. "Malibu, you are more than welcome to stay in my room at home, but just don't stay here."
"But I like it here," Malibu said. "It's fun where you are!"
Ginny groaned, and then hastily hid Malibu behind her back when Hermione glanced over in their direction. Once Hermione had gone back to her own unpacking, Ginny spun around and glared down at Malibu.
"All right," she stated. "You can stay. But I do not want to hear anything from you, okay? No getting into trouble, no drinking from the students, no getting chased around by teachers. As far as anyone's concerned, you're just another bat in one of Hogwart's belfries, got it?"
Malibu the bat grinned and stood up, saluting Ginny with one of his wings. "Mum's the word, Ginny my dear," he said. "You won't have to ever worry about me at all. It'll be like I was never here."
Ginny's worried expression, however, didn't display such confidence.
"Come on, this is Malibu here we're talking about," Malibu said, puffing out his small mammalian chest. "Trust me: what could possibly go wrong?"
* * *
The next day, poor Malibu came down with an acute case of rabies. Now while rabies is certainly not a good thing for animals or humans, vampires, however, are neither human nor animal. For a vampire, getting rabies is akin to how a person gets a really violent stomach flu.
"Oooh, I should have never had that second boar," Malibu groaned, clutching at his stomach as he tossed and turned on Ginny's bed. "Now I see why they call it the Forbidden Forest: everything in there will try to kill you if you so much as nibble on it! Alka-Seltzer! Alka-Seltzer!"
Ginny sat next to him, dabbing at his forehead with a damp facecloth. When Malibu had returned at sunrise, he'd been perfectly fine. However, the rabies had kicked in around lunch, and it was blind luck that Ginny had to fetch a book from her room and stumbled across him.
"Somehow whenever I think of a vampire," Ginny sighed, "the last image that comes to my mind is a small, moaning, sweaty bat who's constantly barfing on the bedsheets."
Skipping out on her afternoon classes just to take care of Malibu was going to earn her some sort of scolding. Ginny counted herself lucky that today she didn't have Potions; Snape would have wanted her head if she had missed that. Now all she had to do was think of an excuse that would satisfy Hermione, Ron and Harry (blush!) when she went down for dinner.
* * *
By the evening, Malibu's fever broke, but his recovery was still incredibly slow. With all the girls running in and out of the room now that classes were over, Ginny had to spirit Malibu away and hide him in a relatively unknown room she had discovered during one of the times Riddle had taken her over.
Once dinner ended and excuses about her own absence were made, she went to see Hagrid—not necessarily for advice or to develop a stomach of steel by drinking whatever it was he called coffee. Hagrid always found a way to cheer her up, and knowing him, he might have some recommendations on how to work with an ill vampire. This was also the first chance she'd have to meet him since glimpsing him on the train platform coming into Hogwarts.
As far as she knew Hagrid and Madame Maxim's envoy to the giants had met with varied success, and while the two had returned to their respective schools, they were sending owlgrams to each other at least once a day. Certainly, Hagrid was smiling a lot more these days.
With the weather still being quite balmy and pleasant, Hagrid's cabin door was opened a little bit to allow the cool autumn air in. Ginny paused at the door as she heard what was undeniably Hagrid's loud voice trying to be quiet.
"Not sure, really," Hagrid was saying. "Nothin's been stirring far as Remus knows, and he's been workin' wit' 'them' as it is fer a year now, whoever 'them' is. But he's been tellin' me that all their leads a' coming up dry. Not sure what You-Know-Who may be up ta. Ya have any ideas yerself?"
Ginny leaned against the door, curiousity getting the better of her, and she strained her ears to hear the conversation better. However, she hadn't quite expected the door to give way so easily, and it swung open as she put her weight against it. With a yelp, Ginny tumbled into Hagrid's abode, thoroughly embarrassed with herself.
There was a fair deal of scuffling as Hagrid rose and strode over to help Ginny back up. "Ginny!" he said happily, giving her a little squeeze…and still nearly popping her eyes out from the force of his bearhug. "Good to see yah! Didn't notice ya were there!"
"Th-thanks, Hagrid," Ginny coughed.
Hagrid showed her in, and offered her a seat on one of his enormous chairs. "It's good to see you again, Hagrid," Ginny said, making herself comfortable. "Say, who were you talking to a few minutes ago? I don't see anyone here but us."
Hagrid's eyes widened, then narrowed, and he nervously began to wring his hands together. "Er, that's ta say that, um—"
Saving him from stumbling over any explanation, out from behind his couch emerged a large, shaggy black dog, who looked pointedly at Hagrid before starting to wag his tail.
"Jes talkin' to mah new dog, Ginny," Hagrid said quickly. "His name's—"
Hagrid paused, and Ginny could have almost sworn she heard someone in behind Hagrid whisper something.
"Snuffles!" Hagrid finished. "Yeh, Snuffles 'n Fang are gettin' along great. So what brings yer here? Wantin' ta see good ol' Hagrid?"
"Um…yeah. There's this assignment I'm working on too," Ginny said, hoping Hagrid wouldn't be able to notice she was lying through her teeth. "It's for Defense Against the Dark Arts, and we're looking at vampires."
"Vampires, yeh say?" Hagrid said, beaming. "Ah, I've known many a' vamp in my day, Ginny. They don't like losing ter anyone else in a drinkin' game, that's fer sure. And yeh never want ter have then order a bottle a' wine for ya, 'cause it tends not ter be red wine!"
Ginny couldn't help but let out a nervous laugh. Just how much of this should she be hearing, since most of it was probably illegal? "Er, that's neat, Hagrid. But we're looking at vampire poisons, illnesses and potential remedies."
"Hm….them's vary depending on what yeh might be talkin' about, Ginny." Hagrid leaned back in his chair and thought hard as he stroked his thick beard. "Anythin' in particular?"
Ginny tried to give a very nonchalant shrug and said, "Rabies?"
At that, Hagrid let out a tremendous laugh. "Rabies?! Ha ha, good one, Ginny! Rabies is more an' embarrassment for a vamp than anythin'. They're supposed ta be good enough ter sniff out what meal's got rabies. Ha! Rabies…."
"So is there any easy way for a vampire to get over a case of rabies?"
"Lime juice," Hagrid replied with a grin on his face. He enjoyed being able to know so much about things most everyone else shied away from (namely because it was liable to tear their faces and arms off). "An' cupcakes. Soak a bit a' lime juice in a cupcake, mash it up an' spoonfeed it. Vamps may hate it, but they'll recover a lot faster. See, the cure is even more humiliatin' than the rabies itself! Ha!"
Ginny laughed with him, and part of it was genuine and not forced. She spent another half hour in Hagrid's company, daring to try some of his coffee (or was it the stuff that bog water was made of?) and chat about their summers and thoughts about the upcoming year. Hagrid was tight-lipped about his ambassadorial trip to the giants, but let it slip a few times that they'd met with partial success. Some clans were interested in what Dumbledore proposed, others would as soon stand back and let the wizards wipe each other out before lifting a finger of aid to either side.
However, Ginny knew that she should check back up on Malibu soon, so she politely excused herself and ducked out from Hagrid's abode. Hagrid said a hearty good-bye, gave her a friendly slap across the shoulder, apologized for sending her flying out the door from the friendly slap, then waved as she walked back to the castle.
Once she was out of sight, he gave a great sigh of relief. "Almost got caught there," he said, looking back into his cabin "You guys doin' okay? Best ter let you all out, in case this happens again."
There was a rustle of invisibility cloak, and the sound of 'Snuffles' padding his way over to the front door of Hagrid's cabin to be let out.
* * *
The next day, Malibu had recovered. A good 16 hours of sleep, some fresh blood (Ginny didn't ask where he'd acquired it) and the most peculiar combination of lime juice and a cupcake helped Malibu fight the rabies and get back to his abnormal, undead self.
Which in a sens, wasn't much of an improvement at all, as far as Ginny was concerned. She was still busy catching up from missing two of her first classes, and contending with this paranoia that somehow, somewhere, Malibu was up to no good.
But, mostly true to his winged word, Malibu stayed out of sight during the day, and popped up regularly at night, putting his youthful appearance to good use by posing as a random Hufflepuff student. (Ginny didn't ask how he'd managed to find some Hogwarts robes that fit him.)
September cruised by pretty fast for Ginny, filled with the usual homework, classes, more homework, and the intrigue that always seemed to follow after Harry (blush!) and his friends like a puppydog.
Then, at the start of October, a surprise announcement was made by Dumbledore during dinner one evening. The meal itself was sausages and potatoes, but being a connoisseur of Muggle foods, Harry had managed to show the entire Griffyndor table how to cut their Kaiser buns just so to create hotdogs. And procuring the usual condiments that always went with hotdogs was simple, since they knew where to go to ask the House Elves beforehand for the needed mustard, relish, ketchup, onions and so forth.
Ginny thought Harry was so cool for being able to make a boring meal so delicious (blush!).
As for the surprise announcement, Dumbledore cleared his throat after everyone had finished eating. "It is my pleasure to inform you all of a most unexpected but highly welcomed event being put on at Hogsmeade at the end of the month," he said. "In celebration of this being Hogsmeade's seven hundred and fourty-second anniversary since the village was built, a special festival is being put on, and those Hogwarts students in third year and up are all invited to attend. As such, we have rescheduled the next trip to Hogsmeade to coincide with the festival, and have extended the hours of leave.
"The celebration will be all day on October thirty-first, and for those of you students who regrettably cannot attend the festival, we shall be having out own impressive Halloween banquet here at Hogwarts on that night. To those of you third-years and up, I say this: enjoy the show."
No sooner had Dumbledore sat back down in his chair, the great hall was filled with a tidal wave of excited whispers. And high above the students' heads, hanging upside down from one of the floating candles, Malibu the vampire bat developed a very sly, impish grin on his face.
That grin suddenly turned into a horrified expression when his claws slipped from their grip on the candleholder, and he went plunging down right into one of the large bowls of gravy on the Gryffindor table.
"Hey, stop splashing there!" Fred exclaimed, flinching as gravy went in every direction.
"Wasn't me," George said. He fished around the bowl with a ladle, and managed to pull out a sopping wet Malibu, who was dripping with thick, brownish-grey clumps of gravy. "Hello, what have we here?"
"Looks like the ugliest, baldest owl I have ever seen," Fred said.
Malibu immediately flashed the Weasley twins a sincere smile. "Hoot hoot?"
George brought the ladle closer to his face. "Doesn't look like an owl at all, Fred. If I didn't say any better, I'd think it looked like a…bat."
A few seats down the table, Ginny looked up from her meal, and was horrified to see Malibu (covered on gravy? She didn't want to know) being scrutinized by her twin brothers. At this rate he'd be discovered, and if she was going to help get him out of that mess, she'd have to admit she let a vampire into the school!
Yet Malibu, being the quick thinker that he was, saw the look on Ginny's face and leapt off the ladle. He hopped onto Fred's plate, grabbed Fred's hotdog/sausage-in-a-bun, and with a mighty shout of, "FOOD FIGHT!!!" he unleashed the hotdog across the room.
For a small vampire bat, it turned out Malibu had not only a good arm, but fantastically ironic aim. The hotdog soared over the Hufflepuff and Ravenclaw tables, descending onto the Slytherin table, and knocking Goyle's head right into his pudding.
There was dead silence as everyone sat there, stunned and not sure what to think.
Goyle's head lifted up from the pudding, and the entire Slytherin table glared at the Gryffindors. Yet the challenge had been sent: Goyle, Crabbe and half the other Slytherins were reaching for sausages and Kaiser buns.
Ginny inwardly groaned, then braced herself for what she was about to do. She grabbed as many hotdogs as she could in her arms, took up the battle cry, and started lobbing them in every direction.
That in turn caused all the Slytherins to let loose their own meals, and in two seconds flat the entire great hall was alive with the sound of food fights and flying hotdogs—er, sausages. The teachers lost control, Professor McGonagall shouting for them to calm themselves, while Professor Flitwick hastily erected a shield charm to protect the faculty table from volleys of mashed potatoes and sausage projectiles.
No one was safe as student cheerfully turned against student, and even Dumbledore casually fired off a lemon cream pie into the crowd—which happened to smack Harry right in the face.
Draco was more than happy to offer in helping lick the cream off Harry's face.
Harry promptly stuffed a sausage up Draco's nose.
* * *
"I can't believe you, Malibu!" Ginny hissed as she stormed through a corridor she knew would be deserted at this hour, Malibu the bat nearly crushed between her palms. "I can't believe me! What were you thinking when you did that?!"
Malibu retorted, "Oh, and would you have rather I just announced to your brothers, 'Wheeeee, look at me, I'm a vampire'? Saaay, this is good gravy."
All in all, the food fight (the first in Hogwarts' history since the infamous 1786 'Duel of the Turkey Drumsticks') had ended rather well, with every house earning themselves fifty demerit points. No one had really been able to figure out who had started it, and Fred & George had even gone so far as to drink a Veritasum serum to prove their innocence.
Of course…the downside was that now the faculty were going to be scouring the entire school for a small talking bat. By now, they had probably made the connection that the bat was in fact a vampire.
Malibu managed to squirm his way out from Ginny's iron grip, and quickly metamorphise into his more human form, complete with his Hogwarts robes. Just where he'd been hiding those robes despite being a tiny little bat, Ginny didn't want to know.
"Trust me on this, Ginny," Malibu said as he dusted off one of his shoulders. "I know exactly what I'm doing."
"And just what exactly are you doing?" Ginny inquired dryly.
The impish grin returned to Malibu's face, and he flashed her a smile that displayed his sizeable canines. "You think I've been fluttering around aimlessly the past month? When you're a bat hiding in the ceiling corner, you hear things. Took a number of afternoon naps in Dumbledore's office, a few in the faculty room. And there's this smashing little chamber somewhere in the West Wing where the entire room is upside-down, so I get to hang comfortably off the floor!"
"The point, Malibu," Ginny sighed, growing more exasperated.
"Oh. Right. Well, my point is that I've been around Hogwarts or The Three Brooms almost every night; I've been hearing them talking about this Hogsmeade festival for the past month already. And I happen to know that the festival is going to feature a special live concert by none other than 'Shufflebump'."
"I don't think I've heard of them," Ginny admitted.
Malibu waved that aside. "Wouldn't surprise me, they're more for people two generations back. However, Shufflebump are notorious for their love ballads…not to mention the fact that they dress up like really creepy, gothic porcelain dolls. As for their love ballads, no one's sure how they do it, patented secret and all, but essentially when they sing about love, any couples listening seem to fall permanently in love.
"It's all a temporary euphoria, mind you, like listening to drunken Veela sing at an Irish pub, but more often than not the couples who get together during a performance stay together. Wizards and witches have been known to get married at their concerts. Apparently once there was this really strange combination where a harpy and a griffon…er, 'bonded' quite well."
Ginny could see the gears turning in Malibu's head, but was having trouble following what they were going to crank out. "And what does that mean for you, or for me?"
"It means," Malibu said slyly. "that all we have to do is get Harry to take you to this concert, and before Shufflebump's first chorus is over, he'll be putty in your hands. He'll be totally in love with you!"
Ginny gave him an incredulous look. "You want to make Harry fall in love with me?"
"Oh, as if you'd have a problem with that," Malibu huffed. "And I won't have to listen to you angst about him for hours on end anymore."
"But…what about me?" Ginny asked. "If listening to that will make Harry fall in love with me, how will I react when I see him, since I already like him a lot?"
Malibu shrugged. "Not sure, really. I could give some possible outcomes, but this fanfic is only rated PG, and there would be complaints."
[End of Chapter the First.]
Obligatory Disclaimer bit: Harry Potter and all its related characters, spells, locations animals, monsters, et all, carpe diem and ipso facto are the property of J.K. Rowling, and should thusly be credited to her. With the exception of Malibu the vampire; I'm not sure anyone would want to take credit for bringing him into this world….
METMA Mandy and her challenge comes courtesy of the letters H, P, and the number 28. Check out her website at: www.geocities.com/metmamandy/ and see why magic and magical girls were not meant to be spliced together in ill- begotten crossovers.
Comments, praises, bribes or Howlers can be owl-mailed to: hislordshipchaos@hotmail.com
Introductory note: this fanfic was originally a response to a METMA Challenge, where an impending weekend would see a special a concert being held in Hogsmeade, and a guest band was invited. Only 3rd years and up could attend this one-in-a-lifetime concert. The story also had to involve the following items/events:
-someone had to catch rabies
-Snuffles had to make a cameo somewhere
-hotdogs had to become airborne
-there needed be an accident that caused Harry to lose his scar
-someone had to say, "Tu madre!" which is Spanish for "Your Mother!" repeatedly
-someone had to comment on how His lordship Chaos has such a cute butt
Okay…so that last one was something I made up. But if the chance comes, I'm sure it'll wind up in the fic somewhere! That said, sit back, relax and get ready for…er…something!!
His lordship Chaos presents:
Something completely disavowed by J.K. Rowling!
(a.k.a. BLACK BAT STRUT)
1 Chapter the First: No, He's Not Friends With Lestat
It wasn't easy having a vampire for a roommate, as Ginny Weasley could attest to. Oh sure, some kids had an actual Bogeymen lurking in their closet, or a thing (not a monster or a beast, just a "thing" that defied all possible classification) hiding somewhere under their bed. Even Ron had the attic ghoul above his bedroom. But could she, the youngest child and only Weasley daughter, actually get a decent sort of creature skulking in her room?
Apparently the answer was no, and a rather pronounced "NO" at that.
The vampire in question, a somewhat precocious git who liked to call himself "Malibu" had moved into her room during her absence while she had been attending her 3rd year at Hogwarts.
He liked to brag about how he'd traveled the world, learned no less than half a dozen languages, dined at the best possible restaurants (and subsequently on the restaurant's best customers), stolen the moon during a lunar eclipse once about 400 years ago, knew the secret location of Atlantis (which he confided actually happened to be the pond in his backyard), and had earned himself the most impressive man-eating stamp collection this side of the globe.
When he had first appeared, he had assumed that Ginny automatically knew what exactly a vampire looked like. However, she was due to learn about vampires (along with other such dangerous mythical creatures like Erklings, Quintapeds and Bill Gates) in her fourth year, so as far as she knew, he was just an annoying neighbour who never bothered to try using the door instead of the window.
So what of his physical features? He looked like any other person mostly: shoulder-length brown hair, blue eyes, good body frame. Well…at first, Ginny thought it might have been that he had naturally pale skin, or a really pronounced Vitamin-D deficiency. That was quickly dismissed when Malibu mistakenly walked into a beam of sunlight one afternoon and burst into flame.
On the other hand, this suddenly explained why he had a habit of accidentally biting his tongue with his somewhat pronounced canines. (Ginny had first supposed he simply was in dire need of what Hermione referred to as a 'dentist' to get rid of his overbite.) However, he never did once try to go out of his way to bite her. According to Malibu, Ginny was not his type. Type A Positive, to be exact, and Malibu was in fact so elitist that he only dined on the rarer AB+ blood-types. In fact, as he put it, he preferred to dine alone and always felt over-pressured when having to snack in front of a crowd.
By now, all of you readers out there are probably asking yourselves, "If a tree falls on Rita Skitter in the forest, and no one's around, does anyone really care?" Barring that, you're probably also asking yourselves just why Ginny hadn't bothered to tell her parents or even one of her older brothers about this unexpected vampire hanging out in her room. Or why Ginny hadn't bothered to just read up on vampires and then dispatch of Malibu herself.
Truth of the matter was that, for as annoying as he could be sometimes, Malibu was a complete pushover, if not a teddybear (albeit a blood-sucking teddybear). In fact, Ginny came to quite enjoy having her own personal vampire. He always hid from the rest of her family, was never in visible sight during the day—choosing instead to turn into a small bat and snuggle comfortably between the extra blankets on the top shelf of her cramped closet—and Ginny found it a bit of a thrill to have such a reputedly dangerous magical creature as her own ersatz pet. And threatening to either stake him or boot his bat-winged butt into the daylight always kept him in line.
In short, over the span of the summer, Ginny had domesticated Malibu.
The day before she was to board the Hogwarts Express along with Ron and the twins, Ginny trudged up the stairs. She quickly glanced down the hall to make sure no one was around to peek inside or unexpectedly barge in, and then slipped into her bedroom.
Malibu was sprawled across the ceiling, laying there as if it were the floor, a pillow cushioning his head and a book entitled, 'The Acromantula & The Aardvark' in one hand. With a somewhat horrified voice he cried out, "Look out, Mister Aardvark, he's right around the corner—er, divine evening tonight, wouldn't you agree, Ginny?"
'The Acromantula & The Aardvark' was quickly tossed elsewhere, and replaced with the rather lengthy paperback novel 'Your Hungarian Horntail Can Moo, Can You?'
Ginny just sighed and rolled her eyes. At least he wasn't perusing another Playmuggle centrefold again.
She set out to pack all her belongings for her new year at Hogwarts. Their Mum always made sure her children's luggage was packed the night before they left for Platform Nine and Three-Quarters. As it was, they had already visited Diagon Alley for their supplies and textbooks—and had been met with no less than twenty-six flying rumours about how Voldemorte was back' how he was establishing a new sect of Death Eaters; how he had cursed the witch Ambercrombie by switching her nose with her thumb; and how he had done the most wicked thing of all, and sold his pride in exchange for top billing in a Vegas floorshow.
All her books, scrolls, quills and potions supplies sitting neatly with her cauldron inside a rather green steamtrunk, Ginny set out to get her wardrobe ready for transit. Something rustled behind her, and the shadows on the wall shifted.
Malibu was now standing upside-down on her ceiling, peering inquisitively down at her open suitcase. "Running away?"
"No," Ginny replied as she pulled her school robes from the dresser and began to neatly fold them on her bed.
"Thought not," Malibu sighed. "At any rate, if you were, I know this smashing little chateau down in Switzerland. Simply divine view of the lake from the balcony, and if you forget about the fact that some sort of lizard- creature's eaten about seven or so tourists since last summer, it's quite the enjoyable trip."
"I'm sure," Ginny absently agreed, setting her school robes aside. She began packing away a few sweaters in anticipation for the cold halls during the winter. "Look, Malibu, school starts tomorrow, so I'm going to be gone for the next few months. Think you can behave yourself while I'm away?"
However, Malibu eye's lit up not at the prospect of having her room to himself again, but at the idea of travelling to Hogwarts. "Can I come?" he asked.
"No."
"Why not?"
For an umpteenth time since the beginning of the summer, Ginny stated in no uncertain terms, "Because you'd never last three days at Hogwarts, Malibu. You'd have to hide during the day while the sun's out, and there's a curfew at night so you'd have skulk around by yourself. Not to mention avoid being caught by Filtch or Mrs. Norris. And," she always finished with this notable point, "you are a vampire. Dumbledore might give you breathing room, but if anyone else saw you, most students would either demand our Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher kill you, or they'd kill you themselves."
Malibu's face screwed up into an indignant, sulky expression, then with a haughty hmph he turned his back to her and snorted, "Tu madre."
Ginny rolled her eyes. For a vampire who claimed to be so well-versed in so many languages, it was rather odd that Malibu's only good comeback to anything was to say "Your mother" in Spanish.
Though she had to be honest with herself: working on getting Malibu to behave himself (and having him at her beck and call) was the best way for her to forget about all the rumours of Voldemorte's return. After the horrible ending to the Triwizard Tournament, everyone at Hogwarts had left feeling particularly depressed.
Ginny frowned at that. The last thing she wanted was Harry Potter (blush!) to mistake Malibu for an actual vicious vampire and stake him one night. Harry, her brother and Hermione were notorious for their late-night running around. Even worse, how could she explain to the three of them, let alone Harry (blush!) that Malibu was her pet—er, friend. Especially now with Voldemorte having returned, any monster of questionable virtue would be suspected as an agent of Voldemorte.
If only she was actually able to talk more with Harry (blush!) about things like this. She'd tried to write him by owlgram eight times this summer, and every time she crumpled up the paper and tossed it. She was thinking about Harry (blush!) all the time—whenever she wasn't contending with Malibu—but did Harry think about her? And in what ways? (BLUSH!!)
"Ginny, you're turning redder than your hair," Malibu remarked. With a sly grin he leaned closer to Ginny's ear and whispered, "Pervert."
Ginny shrieked at that. She spun around, grabbed Malibu by both ears and then yanked down as hard as she could. Malibu's feet left the ceiling, and he went crashing facefirst onto the floor, his legs bending over his head, one or two of his toes twitching painfully.
"Ow," came his muffled voice through the floorboards.
Suddenly realising what she'd done, Ginny's face turned a shade of red and she said, "Um…sorry about that, Malibu."
"Sure, everyone picks on the vampire, just because he's dead and technically doesn't feel a thing when his spinal cord is nearly broken in three different places," muttered Malibu.
Ginny helped straighten him out and uncurl him. Whereupon Malibu decided that just sitting back on the ceiling, and importantly out of Ginny's reach, was the best way to go. He idly grabbed at a moth orbiting Ginny's light, while below Ginny continued her packing.
"You know, while just telling me to 'sit' is a little bit degrading, it's certainly a lot less painful than that," Malibu sighed. He was gingerly rubbing the side of his neck, and every now and again a few pops from his muscles would be heard. "Though I definitely hit a nerve with you."
Ginny froze just as she was setting down her swimsuit and three pairs of socks.
"You weren't thinking about that Harry Potter guy again, were you?"
BLUSH!!!
"I'll take that as a 'yes'," Malibu remarked as he noted Ginny's flustered reaction. "You know, if you've got that much of a crush on the guy, just bloody well go and ask him out. What's the worst he could do?"
In a very quiet voice, Ginny answered, "Say 'no'."
"You know," Malibu said. "Sitting around pining for the guy isn't going to get you anywhere. I mean, it's not like he's taken, is he? If he's not dating anyone, you might as well go and ask him. You're best friends with him, aren't you? Gives you the edge, I should think."
"It's a little more complicated than that," Ginny sighed. And that complication had a name: Cho Chang. How could she compete with someone like that, when Harry only saw her as more like a kid sister?
Naturally, Malibu being Malibu, he completely misinterpreted what Ginny had meant. "What, you mean Harry isn't into girls?" he said in surprise, gawking at her. "He's not going out with that Draco pouf you've mentioned before, is he?"
The notion was so ridiculously silly that Ginny burst out laughing and quite happily forgot about her angst. "Harry…and Draco?" she giggled. "Harry and Draco?!" Then she dissolved into fits of laughter and doubled over on the bed.
Malibu lifted one of his eyebrows. "Was it something I said?"
* * *
After considerable effort and some surprising tears, Ginny said her good- byes to Malibu before she left with her family…and then locked him in the closet since he had now decided he was going with her. It was the best thing, really, Ginny reflected as the Weasley family drove to the King's Crossing Station to meet with their train. A vampire in Hogwarts would be nothing but trouble.
And she'd already had her own fill of trouble, after having contended with Tom Riddle and his demon-possessed diary. She was now the only girl she was aware of in Hogwarts who didn't keep a diary or personal journal, not that anyone really questioned the matter. This year was no doubt going to have its fair share of surprises and adventures, both sought out and unwanted, but she was ready for anything.
Getting onto the platform went without incident, and there were many happy reunions and hair-toussling as she, Ron and the twins met up with Harry, Hermione and many of the other Gryffindor students. The ride became even more entertaining when Draco suddenly appeared inside their train car to glomp Harry and exclaim, "Oh, Harry-poo, I missed you so much! Give us a kiss!"
It was rather amusing to watch Harry frantically perform a charm to pry Draco off himself.
Ginny caught herself wishing that Malibu had been able to see that, and finally understand why she had giggled so much over what he'd said last night. But then again, Malibu was a grown-up vampire…even if vampires never really aged…and could take care of himself while she was gone. He'd been on his own in her room for part of last year anyways.
The Hogwarts Express pulled up to the castle, and everyone disembarked. What followed was the usual fun as they watched the new first years get sorted by the Sorting Hat, then devoured a sumptuous feast that Headmaster Dumbledore had materialise from seemingly thin air. After all that, the Gryffindors headed off to their room to celebrate, and eventually get some sleep for the next day's start of classes.
More than enough times Ginny and Harry caught each other's glances (blush!), and in the Griffyndor common room she bumped into Harry (blush blush!) after Fred and George unleashed their latest culinary trick—er, treat.
Although seeing Neville suddenly turn into a giant lobster and wave his pinchers about in frantic motions made for an incredible five minutes of laughter. Especially when George brought out the butter.
As the hour drew close to midnight, Ginny found herself tiring out, and joined Hermione & a couple of other Gryffindor girls to their room to unpack and get some sleep. However, there was still one more surprise patiently waiting for her. Just as Ginny opened her suitcase, out from the crack came a festive blow-out uncoiling and letting loose a small squeak of celebration.
The colour from Ginny's face drained away, and she stared at the partially open suitcase in disbelief. "It had better not be who I think it is," she muttered, loud enough for the culprit inside to hear her.
"Ginny, is something the matter?" Hermione asked from across the room.
Ginny spun around, smiling as innocently as she could while blocking her suitcase from view. "Nothing! Nothing at all."
When she was certain the other girls were engrossed with their unpacking, she whirled and glared into her suitcase. "Malibu, what are you doing in there?"
"Suffocating, mostly," came Malibu's voice. Out from between two sweaters her mother had knit for her, crawled a small furry bat gasping for air.
"You can't stay here!" Ginny hissed at him. She carefully turned her suitcase away from everyone else, so no one could see Malibu climbing out and hopping onto her bed. "If you get caught, they'll probably stake you on the spot. And if they learn I was taking care of you, I'll get expelled."
"No worries," Malibu said. Using his wings like stilts, he walked over her bedsheets. "Saaaay, these are pretty soft. Mind if I just curl up in them while you're away at classes tomorrow?"
Ginny quickly caught Malibu up in her palms and brought him right up to her face. "NO."
"Hmph! Tu madre," Malibu sniffed indignantly, crossing his wings over his chest. "You never let me have any fun, know that, Ginny?"
"I do not want to hear about you snacking on any of the students, my friends especially," Ginny said. "Malibu, you are more than welcome to stay in my room at home, but just don't stay here."
"But I like it here," Malibu said. "It's fun where you are!"
Ginny groaned, and then hastily hid Malibu behind her back when Hermione glanced over in their direction. Once Hermione had gone back to her own unpacking, Ginny spun around and glared down at Malibu.
"All right," she stated. "You can stay. But I do not want to hear anything from you, okay? No getting into trouble, no drinking from the students, no getting chased around by teachers. As far as anyone's concerned, you're just another bat in one of Hogwart's belfries, got it?"
Malibu the bat grinned and stood up, saluting Ginny with one of his wings. "Mum's the word, Ginny my dear," he said. "You won't have to ever worry about me at all. It'll be like I was never here."
Ginny's worried expression, however, didn't display such confidence.
"Come on, this is Malibu here we're talking about," Malibu said, puffing out his small mammalian chest. "Trust me: what could possibly go wrong?"
* * *
The next day, poor Malibu came down with an acute case of rabies. Now while rabies is certainly not a good thing for animals or humans, vampires, however, are neither human nor animal. For a vampire, getting rabies is akin to how a person gets a really violent stomach flu.
"Oooh, I should have never had that second boar," Malibu groaned, clutching at his stomach as he tossed and turned on Ginny's bed. "Now I see why they call it the Forbidden Forest: everything in there will try to kill you if you so much as nibble on it! Alka-Seltzer! Alka-Seltzer!"
Ginny sat next to him, dabbing at his forehead with a damp facecloth. When Malibu had returned at sunrise, he'd been perfectly fine. However, the rabies had kicked in around lunch, and it was blind luck that Ginny had to fetch a book from her room and stumbled across him.
"Somehow whenever I think of a vampire," Ginny sighed, "the last image that comes to my mind is a small, moaning, sweaty bat who's constantly barfing on the bedsheets."
Skipping out on her afternoon classes just to take care of Malibu was going to earn her some sort of scolding. Ginny counted herself lucky that today she didn't have Potions; Snape would have wanted her head if she had missed that. Now all she had to do was think of an excuse that would satisfy Hermione, Ron and Harry (blush!) when she went down for dinner.
* * *
By the evening, Malibu's fever broke, but his recovery was still incredibly slow. With all the girls running in and out of the room now that classes were over, Ginny had to spirit Malibu away and hide him in a relatively unknown room she had discovered during one of the times Riddle had taken her over.
Once dinner ended and excuses about her own absence were made, she went to see Hagrid—not necessarily for advice or to develop a stomach of steel by drinking whatever it was he called coffee. Hagrid always found a way to cheer her up, and knowing him, he might have some recommendations on how to work with an ill vampire. This was also the first chance she'd have to meet him since glimpsing him on the train platform coming into Hogwarts.
As far as she knew Hagrid and Madame Maxim's envoy to the giants had met with varied success, and while the two had returned to their respective schools, they were sending owlgrams to each other at least once a day. Certainly, Hagrid was smiling a lot more these days.
With the weather still being quite balmy and pleasant, Hagrid's cabin door was opened a little bit to allow the cool autumn air in. Ginny paused at the door as she heard what was undeniably Hagrid's loud voice trying to be quiet.
"Not sure, really," Hagrid was saying. "Nothin's been stirring far as Remus knows, and he's been workin' wit' 'them' as it is fer a year now, whoever 'them' is. But he's been tellin' me that all their leads a' coming up dry. Not sure what You-Know-Who may be up ta. Ya have any ideas yerself?"
Ginny leaned against the door, curiousity getting the better of her, and she strained her ears to hear the conversation better. However, she hadn't quite expected the door to give way so easily, and it swung open as she put her weight against it. With a yelp, Ginny tumbled into Hagrid's abode, thoroughly embarrassed with herself.
There was a fair deal of scuffling as Hagrid rose and strode over to help Ginny back up. "Ginny!" he said happily, giving her a little squeeze…and still nearly popping her eyes out from the force of his bearhug. "Good to see yah! Didn't notice ya were there!"
"Th-thanks, Hagrid," Ginny coughed.
Hagrid showed her in, and offered her a seat on one of his enormous chairs. "It's good to see you again, Hagrid," Ginny said, making herself comfortable. "Say, who were you talking to a few minutes ago? I don't see anyone here but us."
Hagrid's eyes widened, then narrowed, and he nervously began to wring his hands together. "Er, that's ta say that, um—"
Saving him from stumbling over any explanation, out from behind his couch emerged a large, shaggy black dog, who looked pointedly at Hagrid before starting to wag his tail.
"Jes talkin' to mah new dog, Ginny," Hagrid said quickly. "His name's—"
Hagrid paused, and Ginny could have almost sworn she heard someone in behind Hagrid whisper something.
"Snuffles!" Hagrid finished. "Yeh, Snuffles 'n Fang are gettin' along great. So what brings yer here? Wantin' ta see good ol' Hagrid?"
"Um…yeah. There's this assignment I'm working on too," Ginny said, hoping Hagrid wouldn't be able to notice she was lying through her teeth. "It's for Defense Against the Dark Arts, and we're looking at vampires."
"Vampires, yeh say?" Hagrid said, beaming. "Ah, I've known many a' vamp in my day, Ginny. They don't like losing ter anyone else in a drinkin' game, that's fer sure. And yeh never want ter have then order a bottle a' wine for ya, 'cause it tends not ter be red wine!"
Ginny couldn't help but let out a nervous laugh. Just how much of this should she be hearing, since most of it was probably illegal? "Er, that's neat, Hagrid. But we're looking at vampire poisons, illnesses and potential remedies."
"Hm….them's vary depending on what yeh might be talkin' about, Ginny." Hagrid leaned back in his chair and thought hard as he stroked his thick beard. "Anythin' in particular?"
Ginny tried to give a very nonchalant shrug and said, "Rabies?"
At that, Hagrid let out a tremendous laugh. "Rabies?! Ha ha, good one, Ginny! Rabies is more an' embarrassment for a vamp than anythin'. They're supposed ta be good enough ter sniff out what meal's got rabies. Ha! Rabies…."
"So is there any easy way for a vampire to get over a case of rabies?"
"Lime juice," Hagrid replied with a grin on his face. He enjoyed being able to know so much about things most everyone else shied away from (namely because it was liable to tear their faces and arms off). "An' cupcakes. Soak a bit a' lime juice in a cupcake, mash it up an' spoonfeed it. Vamps may hate it, but they'll recover a lot faster. See, the cure is even more humiliatin' than the rabies itself! Ha!"
Ginny laughed with him, and part of it was genuine and not forced. She spent another half hour in Hagrid's company, daring to try some of his coffee (or was it the stuff that bog water was made of?) and chat about their summers and thoughts about the upcoming year. Hagrid was tight-lipped about his ambassadorial trip to the giants, but let it slip a few times that they'd met with partial success. Some clans were interested in what Dumbledore proposed, others would as soon stand back and let the wizards wipe each other out before lifting a finger of aid to either side.
However, Ginny knew that she should check back up on Malibu soon, so she politely excused herself and ducked out from Hagrid's abode. Hagrid said a hearty good-bye, gave her a friendly slap across the shoulder, apologized for sending her flying out the door from the friendly slap, then waved as she walked back to the castle.
Once she was out of sight, he gave a great sigh of relief. "Almost got caught there," he said, looking back into his cabin "You guys doin' okay? Best ter let you all out, in case this happens again."
There was a rustle of invisibility cloak, and the sound of 'Snuffles' padding his way over to the front door of Hagrid's cabin to be let out.
* * *
The next day, Malibu had recovered. A good 16 hours of sleep, some fresh blood (Ginny didn't ask where he'd acquired it) and the most peculiar combination of lime juice and a cupcake helped Malibu fight the rabies and get back to his abnormal, undead self.
Which in a sens, wasn't much of an improvement at all, as far as Ginny was concerned. She was still busy catching up from missing two of her first classes, and contending with this paranoia that somehow, somewhere, Malibu was up to no good.
But, mostly true to his winged word, Malibu stayed out of sight during the day, and popped up regularly at night, putting his youthful appearance to good use by posing as a random Hufflepuff student. (Ginny didn't ask how he'd managed to find some Hogwarts robes that fit him.)
September cruised by pretty fast for Ginny, filled with the usual homework, classes, more homework, and the intrigue that always seemed to follow after Harry (blush!) and his friends like a puppydog.
Then, at the start of October, a surprise announcement was made by Dumbledore during dinner one evening. The meal itself was sausages and potatoes, but being a connoisseur of Muggle foods, Harry had managed to show the entire Griffyndor table how to cut their Kaiser buns just so to create hotdogs. And procuring the usual condiments that always went with hotdogs was simple, since they knew where to go to ask the House Elves beforehand for the needed mustard, relish, ketchup, onions and so forth.
Ginny thought Harry was so cool for being able to make a boring meal so delicious (blush!).
As for the surprise announcement, Dumbledore cleared his throat after everyone had finished eating. "It is my pleasure to inform you all of a most unexpected but highly welcomed event being put on at Hogsmeade at the end of the month," he said. "In celebration of this being Hogsmeade's seven hundred and fourty-second anniversary since the village was built, a special festival is being put on, and those Hogwarts students in third year and up are all invited to attend. As such, we have rescheduled the next trip to Hogsmeade to coincide with the festival, and have extended the hours of leave.
"The celebration will be all day on October thirty-first, and for those of you students who regrettably cannot attend the festival, we shall be having out own impressive Halloween banquet here at Hogwarts on that night. To those of you third-years and up, I say this: enjoy the show."
No sooner had Dumbledore sat back down in his chair, the great hall was filled with a tidal wave of excited whispers. And high above the students' heads, hanging upside down from one of the floating candles, Malibu the vampire bat developed a very sly, impish grin on his face.
That grin suddenly turned into a horrified expression when his claws slipped from their grip on the candleholder, and he went plunging down right into one of the large bowls of gravy on the Gryffindor table.
"Hey, stop splashing there!" Fred exclaimed, flinching as gravy went in every direction.
"Wasn't me," George said. He fished around the bowl with a ladle, and managed to pull out a sopping wet Malibu, who was dripping with thick, brownish-grey clumps of gravy. "Hello, what have we here?"
"Looks like the ugliest, baldest owl I have ever seen," Fred said.
Malibu immediately flashed the Weasley twins a sincere smile. "Hoot hoot?"
George brought the ladle closer to his face. "Doesn't look like an owl at all, Fred. If I didn't say any better, I'd think it looked like a…bat."
A few seats down the table, Ginny looked up from her meal, and was horrified to see Malibu (covered on gravy? She didn't want to know) being scrutinized by her twin brothers. At this rate he'd be discovered, and if she was going to help get him out of that mess, she'd have to admit she let a vampire into the school!
Yet Malibu, being the quick thinker that he was, saw the look on Ginny's face and leapt off the ladle. He hopped onto Fred's plate, grabbed Fred's hotdog/sausage-in-a-bun, and with a mighty shout of, "FOOD FIGHT!!!" he unleashed the hotdog across the room.
For a small vampire bat, it turned out Malibu had not only a good arm, but fantastically ironic aim. The hotdog soared over the Hufflepuff and Ravenclaw tables, descending onto the Slytherin table, and knocking Goyle's head right into his pudding.
There was dead silence as everyone sat there, stunned and not sure what to think.
Goyle's head lifted up from the pudding, and the entire Slytherin table glared at the Gryffindors. Yet the challenge had been sent: Goyle, Crabbe and half the other Slytherins were reaching for sausages and Kaiser buns.
Ginny inwardly groaned, then braced herself for what she was about to do. She grabbed as many hotdogs as she could in her arms, took up the battle cry, and started lobbing them in every direction.
That in turn caused all the Slytherins to let loose their own meals, and in two seconds flat the entire great hall was alive with the sound of food fights and flying hotdogs—er, sausages. The teachers lost control, Professor McGonagall shouting for them to calm themselves, while Professor Flitwick hastily erected a shield charm to protect the faculty table from volleys of mashed potatoes and sausage projectiles.
No one was safe as student cheerfully turned against student, and even Dumbledore casually fired off a lemon cream pie into the crowd—which happened to smack Harry right in the face.
Draco was more than happy to offer in helping lick the cream off Harry's face.
Harry promptly stuffed a sausage up Draco's nose.
* * *
"I can't believe you, Malibu!" Ginny hissed as she stormed through a corridor she knew would be deserted at this hour, Malibu the bat nearly crushed between her palms. "I can't believe me! What were you thinking when you did that?!"
Malibu retorted, "Oh, and would you have rather I just announced to your brothers, 'Wheeeee, look at me, I'm a vampire'? Saaay, this is good gravy."
All in all, the food fight (the first in Hogwarts' history since the infamous 1786 'Duel of the Turkey Drumsticks') had ended rather well, with every house earning themselves fifty demerit points. No one had really been able to figure out who had started it, and Fred & George had even gone so far as to drink a Veritasum serum to prove their innocence.
Of course…the downside was that now the faculty were going to be scouring the entire school for a small talking bat. By now, they had probably made the connection that the bat was in fact a vampire.
Malibu managed to squirm his way out from Ginny's iron grip, and quickly metamorphise into his more human form, complete with his Hogwarts robes. Just where he'd been hiding those robes despite being a tiny little bat, Ginny didn't want to know.
"Trust me on this, Ginny," Malibu said as he dusted off one of his shoulders. "I know exactly what I'm doing."
"And just what exactly are you doing?" Ginny inquired dryly.
The impish grin returned to Malibu's face, and he flashed her a smile that displayed his sizeable canines. "You think I've been fluttering around aimlessly the past month? When you're a bat hiding in the ceiling corner, you hear things. Took a number of afternoon naps in Dumbledore's office, a few in the faculty room. And there's this smashing little chamber somewhere in the West Wing where the entire room is upside-down, so I get to hang comfortably off the floor!"
"The point, Malibu," Ginny sighed, growing more exasperated.
"Oh. Right. Well, my point is that I've been around Hogwarts or The Three Brooms almost every night; I've been hearing them talking about this Hogsmeade festival for the past month already. And I happen to know that the festival is going to feature a special live concert by none other than 'Shufflebump'."
"I don't think I've heard of them," Ginny admitted.
Malibu waved that aside. "Wouldn't surprise me, they're more for people two generations back. However, Shufflebump are notorious for their love ballads…not to mention the fact that they dress up like really creepy, gothic porcelain dolls. As for their love ballads, no one's sure how they do it, patented secret and all, but essentially when they sing about love, any couples listening seem to fall permanently in love.
"It's all a temporary euphoria, mind you, like listening to drunken Veela sing at an Irish pub, but more often than not the couples who get together during a performance stay together. Wizards and witches have been known to get married at their concerts. Apparently once there was this really strange combination where a harpy and a griffon…er, 'bonded' quite well."
Ginny could see the gears turning in Malibu's head, but was having trouble following what they were going to crank out. "And what does that mean for you, or for me?"
"It means," Malibu said slyly. "that all we have to do is get Harry to take you to this concert, and before Shufflebump's first chorus is over, he'll be putty in your hands. He'll be totally in love with you!"
Ginny gave him an incredulous look. "You want to make Harry fall in love with me?"
"Oh, as if you'd have a problem with that," Malibu huffed. "And I won't have to listen to you angst about him for hours on end anymore."
"But…what about me?" Ginny asked. "If listening to that will make Harry fall in love with me, how will I react when I see him, since I already like him a lot?"
Malibu shrugged. "Not sure, really. I could give some possible outcomes, but this fanfic is only rated PG, and there would be complaints."
[End of Chapter the First.]
Obligatory Disclaimer bit: Harry Potter and all its related characters, spells, locations animals, monsters, et all, carpe diem and ipso facto are the property of J.K. Rowling, and should thusly be credited to her. With the exception of Malibu the vampire; I'm not sure anyone would want to take credit for bringing him into this world….
METMA Mandy and her challenge comes courtesy of the letters H, P, and the number 28. Check out her website at: www.geocities.com/metmamandy/ and see why magic and magical girls were not meant to be spliced together in ill- begotten crossovers.
Comments, praises, bribes or Howlers can be owl-mailed to: hislordshipchaos@hotmail.com
