DISCLAIMER: Don't own the characters or world, just playing for fun, not profit.

CHAPTER ONE: Reflection

That kiss. It's been weeks since it happened, but every night he relives those few moments in his dreams. During the day when he's with her it's all he can think about. Never has something so simple affected him so profoundly. When he suggested the ruse, he never intended to take it as far they did. But he saw everything going south so quickly and acted before he could think it through.

The moment his lips touched hers he was lost. The soft, full texture of her lips haunt his dreams. The whisper of her breath on his causes his chest to painfully clench. The brush of her hair on his hand as he turned her face towards his has him reaching for her at the oddest of times. And the look in her eyes as they broke apart haunts him. His heart stuttered and stopped before racing ahead, out of control, as he realized that he could never fully prepare for the affect she has on him. His body clenched painfully, erect in an instant, at the merest touch of her lips on his. He gets hard just thinking about it.

And then her response. He knows she'll deny it, to him and probably even to herself. But she dove into that second kiss. The feel of her hands grabbing at him and her mouth nipping at his lower lip is a memory he'll cherish. Her tongue greedily pushing for entrance and tangling with his made him ache. Her taste, sweet and tangy, made him thirst for more. And how can he forget that soft, low moan of desire and need, followed by her running her hands through his hair, while she pushed her body into his. If thinking about the kiss gets him hard, the echo of that moan nearly gets him off every time. His most prurient fantasies paled in comparison to one simple kiss.

A few heartbeats have rocked his world. Thinking back, he's kicking himself for his response – how could he let her so easily dismiss what clearly flared between them? He's never felt such passion, such a connection, from a simple kiss. Sighing, depressed, he answers himself: Josh. She's with Josh. And he has no right or claim to her. If only…

That's the story of his life with her. If only. If only he had asked her out himself – and kept asking her out until she agreed. If only he hadn't delved into her mother's case and driven a wedge between them. If only he hadn't green-lighted Demming. If only he had the guts to tell her how he feels. But she put him squarely in the friend zone and he didn't push his way out of it. And now there's Josh and he has no right to interfere with that.

Every time he thinks of Josh he gets angry and a little more heartbroken. Thinking about her with that smug bastard tears him apart. His only solace is the knowledge that she responded to him. He's not a fool. He knows she was as stunned by their kiss as he was. He saw her eyes dilate with passion. He tasted her – she was the one to tangle her tongue with his. He felt the hard points of her breasts pushing against his chest and that one little hitch of her groin pushing into him, rubbing up against his erection right before she took out the guard. That look of utter shock and disbelief on her face before they hurried to rescue Ryan and Esposito lets him know she wasn't as unaffected as she pretended. But ever since, she's been acting like it never happened and he's too cowardly to bring it up. He suspects that saying anything will cause her to kick him out of the precinct and out of her life for good. And that's not a risk he can take.

If only things were different. He constantly wonders whether things could be different – he's obsessed over her for months, maybe even years. He's gotten so used to second-guessing himself when it comes to her that he's not sure whether he's reading the situation correctly. He thought he detected more than a little jealousy when Natalie Rhodes was at the precinct. And she did ask him why he didn't sleep with her – at least the Natalie version of her. Even though she's with Josh he thinks she has feelings for him. That's one of the reasons he broke up with Gina. He couldn't lie to himself anymore. He didn't want Gina. She was nothing more than a diversion, someone familiar to fill the space and hold onto while he licked his wounds after being rejected by Beckett in favor of Demming. Every time he thinks the signs are there he gets his hopes up, only to have them crushed. Wondering whether he's just kidding himself, he leans back in his seat, cup of coffee cradled between his hands, lost in reflection. He believes he'll forever be stuck as her friend and partner, but nothing more.

From across the room a pair of dark eyes watch him. Seeing the slump to his shoulders, the deep circles under his eyes and the haggard lines on his face, she realizes that Castle in repose looks like a defeated man. His larger than life persona is nowhere to be found. Instead, he just looks depressed and tired. Realizing she's never seen him when he's not animated and in motion, she takes a moment to contemplate the more serious looking man across the room. The man-child has hidden depths. Making a decision, she walks over to him, interrupting his solitude.

He jumps when he hears a familiar voice.

"Hey Castle, mind if I join you?" Surprised, a little taken aback, he looks up to see Lanie at his table.

"Uh, sure. Have a seat. What brings you down here?"

Sipping her tea, Lanie responds, "Even I need a break once in awhile, Castle." Looking him over more carefully, she thinks she should tiptoe her way into the conversation. But she's never been one to tiptoe so she takes him on in her usual direct fashion

"What has you looking like you lost your last friend in the world?" she asks, eyes boring into his, a hint of sympathy in her expression.

Sighing, he deflects, not wanting to get into it. "It's nothing Lanie. Just a long day."

"This wouldn't have anything to do with a certain brunette now, would it?" she persists, a knowing look on her face.

He knows Lanie and Kate are best friends, but he feels like Lanie has always been pushing him towards Kate. He wonders if she knows something he doesn't. "I can't talk about this with you Lanie." He finally responds, intent on protecting his heart from further humiliation.

Softening, recognizing the signs of heartbreak, Lanie thinks for a minute before saying, "You know, it's not as hopeless as you think." Seeing his look of disbelief, she continues. "She cares for you. She just can't admit it to herself."

"She told you that?" he asks, surprised.

Sighing, she figures she's already gone this far so she may as well get this off her chest. "No. But we've been friends for a long time and I know her better than she'd like me to. I see the way she looks at you when you're not paying attention. I hear how she talks about you and her face lights up when she jokes with you. She likes you more than she wants to."

"Oh, please Lanie, we're just friends. You know that. She's that way with you and the boys too." He can't believe what Lanie is trying to tell him.

"Nuh-uh. It's different with you. She's not like that with anyone but you. You're good for her. But she's gotten so used to pushing people away she doesn't even know she's doing it. I know it can be hard, but don't give up on her yet. I have a feeling about you two."

Filled with hope, Castle's spirits lift, only to plummet back to earth.

"Thanks Lanie. But I think you're forgetting about Josh. She's with him now. I missed my chance."

"Don't be so sure about that Castle. Her relationships never last for more than six months or so. She always finds a reason to bail at that point. I have a feeling Josh is only a short-term problem." Realizing she's revealed more than she should, Lanie hurries to extract a promise. "But you can't tell her I told you any of this and if you do, I'll deny it. You need to quit playing around and decide if you're serious about her. If you are, then you need to let her know. You'll have to be brave enough to not let her push you away or hold you at arm's length. If there's anyone who has a chance to break through her reserve, its you." Glancing at her watch, Lanie stands. "I've got to get back to work. See you later Castle. And think about what I said."