How cliché to contemplate the meaning of life. Nick realized that there is no meaning, because one isn't really in control of their lives, your life is not in your hands, no matter how cocky or determined you may be. Your life is in the hands of everyone around you, and the same goes for all of them. At any moment he could just walk up to someone and snap their neck, no one realizes how much power they actually wield over everyone around them's lives, but most important, how much they wield over yours.

He didn't like having such control and yet, not having any at all. He use to know what he wanted, he use to know where he was going, and he use to be sure of everything in his life because he ran it and no one else.

"Bullshit," he spoke to himself. He was sitting in his Chevy just before shift started, like he seemed to be doing a lot lately. Taking time to put on the face. It was hard for him to remember what he use to be like. Really hard nowadays to replace this face he had now with one he actually use to own. He didn't remember, couldn't if he wanted to, that face seemed lifetimes ago.

Suddenly a loud rap on the window made him jump hard.

"What are you doing?"

Her voice slightly muffled by the window between them. Catherine surely didn't go for the gentle approach.

"Contemplating life."

He found himself being rather blunt about his answers as of late. He tried his best to seem like life was ok, but when asked questions like "how are you," or "what you been up to?" he seemed to blurt out whatever came to mind, leaving the inquirer either staring blankly at him or just changing the subject rapidly. No one seemed to actually want to be derailed from the fantasy that they lived. The one where they had control. Nicks answers seemed too real for anyone to comprehend. But Cath, she actually listened, and didn't try to change the subject or act like she didn't hear him.

Even so, she still didn't get it. She never would, no one would, not here anyway. Since he wasn't gonna leave here, he would just keep sitting in his car before work trying to sift through the files in his cabinet and find his face.

"That's a big subject Nicky, maybe we should take a crack at it after work, yer gonna be late."

He glanced at his watch; it was 10 minutes before shift.

"I know what yer thinking…you know Grissom says early is on time and on time is late."

"Yeah yeah, I hear ya, step aside so I can get out."

He found it right before he walked in the door, the face, and not a moment too soon.