Hello everyone! This is my first House fanfic. I've been reading them for quite awhile now and decided it was time for my own.
This fic will be AU. Not massively or anything, but it was to be to be the kind of story I wanted to do. Simply because…Hamerons do it. Huddys do it. Why can't the Hacys have a nice fic where their relationship actually does progress? Seeing as I'm a huge Hacy shipper…that's where this came from.
I initially started another Hacy that also includes pre-infarction stuff and someday I will post it. I have more of the middle though than I do of the beginning and it's just not ready to see the world yet. lol This one, however, I had a clear beginning for so…on with the show! I hope you guys enjoy it.
This fic begins basically where Need To Know ended. It will be angsty in the beginning but then will come happier times…not all happy, obviously, because it's House we're talking about and this is gonna be a drama. Just saying that it may start off depressing but it won't stay that way. And I will do my best on the medical stuff but this is a DRAMA written by someone who writes drama/angst/romance/friendship stuff…I will stay with cannon cases in chronological order as much as I can. If I have to do my own, I will do research but if I get something wrong, please don't shoot me. lol
I definitely(unfortunately)do not own House M.D.
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Love is not a victory march,
It's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah…
-Hallelujah, Rufus Wainwright
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It was harder than she remembered to drive through tears. They blurred her vision, caused her to reach up every few seconds to swipe them angrily away. Not to mention the pain in her chest that nothing medical could ever explain. "Stupid…stupid, stupid bastard…" It was easier to curse him than to tell the truth, or at least she had thought it would be. It didn't taste as good as it should have and she found herself wishing she could say 'I love you' instead. She should have expected it, some stunt on his part just when everything seemed to be going so well. He could throw a curve into something that looked clear. It was just his way. Stacy pulled off into an empty elementary school parking lot. She was almost home, but she couldn't walk in the door like this. Mark would know. Maybe he already did. It didn't really matter anymore.
Stacy turned the car off and let her head fall into her hands, her sobs becoming audible. Why….why, why, why…it didn't make any sense. They had been so close. She could here his voice, telling her what he thought was best for her…she laughed sharply through the tears. The hell it was. He had to know that. He was looking out for himself. She had wanted so badly to touch him…to kiss him and somehow show him that leaving wouldn't fix anything…the situation or either of them. And there was no doubt they both needed fixing.
She shouldn't have let him leave. God knows, she had wanted him to stop her.
Her stuff was already gone. She and her brother in law had moved it out to her sister's during the day, while he was at work like she should have been. He knew, when he came home, but at first he had said nothing. Acted normal…as much as he had for the past nine months. She didn't want to bring it up, didn't want to start the conversation she knew had no chance of ending well but she knew he never would. He was standing at the kitchen sink when she said it.
"Greg…I'm…leaving." She heard him shut the water off, slowly. He didn't turn.
"For how long?" He didn't sound surprised.
"For good."
"Hm."
Her eyes filled with tears she hadn't wanted to shed. "I can't…do this anymore. I'm miserable and…I'm making you miserable. I know, you hate me and-"
"I don't hate you."
"Well you can't forgive me. And I make everything worse. I wanted to…make this work but…I can't if you're pushing me away. I understand. But I can't…stay here until you ignore me completely."
He turned, finally. He looked so cold she shivered. "We're talking now."
"Greg…" she sighed hard. "We fight and we talk about newspaper articles like robots and we have sex every now and then and occasionally something will seem right, like watching TV on a Saturday or you playing a song but it doesn't last…it never lasts, anymore. I can't do this. I have to go."
He was turned away, his eyes fixed resolutely on the floor. "Do what you want then. Go, if you're going. Or just stay."
She was shaking her head even though he couldn't see her, backing toward the door. "I…" She couldn't let herself cry, not now. It was almost over. "Good-bye."
The words she had wanted to say, she had held until she made it to her car. "I love you…dammit…I love you!" Screaming them at the steering wheel didn't hurt anything. She sat in the car for a few minutes, telling herself it wasn't safe to drive until she calmed down.
All she had wanted, really, was to see him coming. If he had come after her, she would have stayed. No questions asked. He wouldn't have even had to have been nice. The gesture would have been enough for her. But he hadn't come and she had driven away. It hurt thinking, now, just how different her life could have been today if he had just made that effort. Neither of them would be in the mess they were in.
Wiping her tears away, Stacy pulled down the visor and looked in the mirror. Her eyes were red. If she could pull herself together she might could pass it off for tired. Maybe. Her phone vibrated in the center console and she scooped it up, her heart beating faster than it should have. Mark. Of course. Stupid of her to think otherwise. Taking a deep breath she flipped it open. "Hello?"
"Hey, baby." He sounded fine. If he had noticed anything about her voice he didn't let on. "Listen, I know you said you were working late tonight so I'm going out for dinner with a couple of the other counselors. I'll be home around nine. Alright?"
"That's fine."
"I love you."
"I love you, too." her heart hurt when she said it. It was true but…it didn't matter. The rest of the thought didn't matter. "Bye, honey."
"Bye."
Stacy shut the phone then opened it, fingers hovering over the keys. It was no good. He wouldn't answer, and she shouldn't call anyway. She slammed it shut and threw it into the seat beside her. At least she'd have the house to herself for awhile. She'd go home, compose herself and, with any luck, have a smile for Mark when he came in. Her husband. She swallowed a bitter laugh and shoved the keys in the ignition.
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Really, he admired Wilson's restraint. He had to have called his cell phone alone half a dozen times before he came over, and he wasn't sure how many times he must have called the main line. He had pulled it off the hook the second he came in the door. The knock on his door was too loud to be Stacy, and no one else ever came over anyway. "Let yourself in." His words were just slurred enough that he knew it was obvious he had been drinking. He didn't care. Wilson had to have already figured it out anyway.
As soon as he was in the door his worried eyes fell on House, scanning him to make sure he was still in one piece. "You haven't been answering your phone."
"Didn't want to talk."
"Uh-huh. Well you could have at least told me you were alive. I was…worried."
"That's a full time occupation for you, isn't it? Maybe you could get Cuddy to start paying you to worry about me. You'd like that, wouldn't you."
Wilson shook his head, sad and exasperated. "House…" He didn't know how he wanted to finish the sentence so he didn't, instead just made his way over to the sofa and sad down near House's feet. "What else have you taken with the alcohol?"
House shrugged lazily. "Nothing. Really. Couple of Vicodin. My leg hurt." His eyes were fixed on the TV. A wrestler dressed in black and red was beating another one with a folding chair.
Wilson watched House. 'Are you alright?' would have been stupid. Of course he wasn't, and he would have just lied anyway. "Why did you really do it?"
"What, take the Vicodin? I told you my leg hurt."
The younger man sighed. "That's…not what I'm talking about. And you know it."
House swallowed a swig of scotch. "No, you have to get all personal. Mess around in stuff that isn't your business. I don't want to talk about it."
"You need to talk about it."
"Actually I don't. What I do need is to get drunk enough to forget absolutely everything that happened today. Then I'll get up tomorrow and maybe go to work or maybe stay home and watch back episodes of the OC and we'll have avoided the whole…share our feelings thing. See how my idea's better?"
Wilson rubbed the heels of his palms into his eyes. "That's not an 'idea' that's avoidance."
"Semantics."
"You can't hide from this."
Another drink. "Watch me."
Frustrated, Wilson stood to leave. He hadn't come over here to watch House start off on what he knew would be a steady decline and eventual self-destruct. With his hand on the doorknob he hesitated. "I just…wanted to make sure you're still here. Next time answer your damn phone, House." He pulled the door open, threw one last look back. "She loves you, you idiot."
"Go to hell."
He slammed the door behind him as he left.
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Mark came home around 9:15. If he had suspected anything he had once again kept quiet, and his mood seemed good enough. Two hours later and she was beside him in bed, turning off the light and kissing him good night on autopilot. Everything still hurt. Her hand tightened on Mark's shoulder and she kissed him again, sidling up close to him. A little surprised, he returned the kiss warmly all the same. When she finally pulled away it wasn't far. "Stacy…" It was halfway a question. She really didn't want him talking.
"Shhh." Hating herself, she kissed him again, harder, mumbled against his lips. "We're ready for this." She felt him smile, nod.
"Yeah." Thankfully, he shut up then, choosing instead to cup her face in one hand and trail the other down her body. She pressed against him, hungry for closeness, touch, anything. It was dark. In her mind, he could be whoever she wanted. Her leg slipped between his, rubbed against him. She pulled his t-shirt off, kissed her way down his neck and to his chest with her eyes closed. In her mind, the hands touching her were just a little bigger, the fingers attached to them just a little longer and just elegant enough, the voice moaning when she sucked on his skin just a little rougher. He pulled her back up for a kiss, pulled her on top of him.
Reality crept at the edge of her fantasy, wounding it mercilessly. There was no familiar stubble to graze against her cheek. He didn't taste like Greg, didn't move like Greg, didn't touch her the same way. Nothing was the same, no matter how much she tried to pretend. He touched her and she moaned for his benefit. It was a lie. Before, she could have meant it. Now…now she remembered. Anyone else's touch just wasn't the same. You could feel love, feel when you had everything a person had to give. Difference in giving someone your heart and giving them your soul. With Mark she had only his heart. Knowing what she could have had, it wasn't enough. Pulling his boxers down she sank onto him, moving until he cried out her name. She wiped the tears from her face before he could feel them and rolled off of him, letting only one hand fall to his shoulder. He kissed her.
"Stace…that was amazing. I love you."
"Love you, too." Turning away she curled up with her back to him, her face buried in the pillow. He draped his arm over her, molding his body to hers from behind. It was ironic and probably would have been funny if it had been anyone else's nightmare. He was content and her heart was broken. She felt empty and dirty and somehow as if she had just committed betrayal. The name on the marriage certificate didn't change anything about the way she felt. She loved this man, but she couldn't give him something she didn't have. Her soul belonged elsewhere. Nothing could change that, she knew it now. A few more tears escaped her eyes and she didn't even bother to brush them away. He was asleep, he'd never notice. Shutting her eyes she let her mind travel back two nights before to a different bed, tangled in longer arms. After some time, she fell asleep.
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So…first chapter! What do you guys think? Let me know…I hope you liked it.
I could live off reviews forever, they make me intensely happy so…please, please review…
