Author's Note:
Trigger Warning: This story deals with themes surrounding infertility, loss and depression. This chapter, especially. By chapter two there is a lot more humor and the rebuild begins and the ending should be worth it, so I hope you will give it a shot.
This will be a "Mature" version of the "Explicit" story on Archive of Our Own. It will still include nudity and sex, but in far less detail and with less graphic language.
To Sacrifice the Sun
Prologue
June 4, 2011
19:46
Flores, Guatemala
As a trained agent, Felicity probably should have put her hand on her gun when she heard the key rattle in the old lock in the whole-in-the-wall rented room on the shore of Lake Peten Itza. At the very least, she should have looked up from her laptop.
But Felicity had also learned the cadence of those footsteps and knew them better than she knew her own. She could smell his unique musk mixed with the thick tropical air in the oppressively hot room. The single, battery-operated fan did little to cool it.
Swiping the sweaty blond curls that had escaped her braid out of her eyes, Felicity considered swapping her contacts for glasses and wondered if the air was actually humid enough to fog them up. But time was limited, because she also knew that the moment he won his battle with the lock nothing would get done.
So, Felicity kept her eyes on the screen, the laptop sticking to her sweaty thighs as she sat on the hard, narrow bed. Considering the number of times they had had no bed at all in the last few years, this was a blessing, no matter the mattress quality, and the privacy of their own room before a mission like this was nothing short of a miracle.
The door clicked and Felicity rubbed her eyes, trying desperately to concentrate. Her eyes were starting to feel the strain. She flipped back and forth between the hieroglyphics and her algorithm. She just needed to be sure she wasn't missing anything…
"I think the CO said no more work tonight."
Felicity rolled her eyes, biting her lip, and stubbornly refused to look at him. "What Digg doesn't know won't hurt him. Besides, I need to go over this—"
"If I thought for one minute the translations weren't as perfect as they could possibly be, I'd agree—"
Snapping the laptop closed (there was no way she was getting anything done now) Felicity turned to him with an exasperated look.
Oliver was leaning against the door, grinning at her with his goddamn sex-on-a-stick smile, his hair curling slightly in the humidity, his thin t-shirt damp with perspiration, clinging to every one of his gorgeous muscles. Damn him.
"Hey, Sunshine."
It melted her. Every fraking time.
He had given her the nick-name three years ago when he arrived at ARGUS Academy. At the time, it had held a definite sarcastic (if not outright derogatory) edge, meant to make fun of Felicity's positive attitude and insistence that they try to look on the bright side of every situation, which hadn't been easy given her own circumstances.
But Oliver hasn't known that and, recently rescued from his own hell, he hadn't had much use for the silver-lining.
But, despite his teasing, he had always come back for more. It had long since stopped being pejorative and turned into a term of endearment. Now Oliver said (privately of course) that he called Felicity 'Sunshine' because she was his light.
But looking at him now, Felicity couldn't help but think Oliver was her sun. This beautiful, scared man, too good for this world, too good for her (she secretly felt), who had been dumped into the ARGUS Training Academy less than a year after she had been "persuaded" to join.
It had been that or life in prison for the virus Felicity had created and her ex…late boyfriend had released. It didn't take long for her to pack up her meager belongings and board the ARGUS jet to god knows where. She still didn't think she could find the Academy on the map.
Who was she kidding? Of course, Felicity could find it. That was why they had wanted her.
Oliver's choice to join had been much nobler. He'd struck a deal. If ARGUS went back to Lian Yu and rescued his friends, he'd join in whatever capacity they wanted. Considering ARGUS had gotten three other agents from the deal, one now a talented surgeon, they might have gotten the sweet side of that arrangement.
Or maybe Felicity had, because, somehow, Oliver Queen was in her room, looking at her like she was his entire world and, sometimes, she really had no idea how this was her life. It was both wonderful and exhilarating. Fulfilling…
And completely terrifying.
Turning her attention to Oliver, Felicity said, "You only call me 'Sunshine' when you want something."
"Not true," he protested, mock hurt.
It wasn't true, not at all, but Oliver was fun to tease. And it distracted Felicity from the oppressive heat and the fear churning in her gut whenever her thoughts inevitably turned to tomorrow.
"And here I come baring gifts." Oliver held up a bottle still wrapped in a paper bag. "The finest red wine in all of Guatemala."
A wide grin spread across Felicity's face, not only because Oliver had excellent taste in red wine, a particular weakness of hers, but because it was becoming apparent that he was in one of his rare playful moods. And that was something she desperately needed right then.
Placing the laptop on the side-table, Felicity bounced off the bed, already reaching for the bottle. "Gimme."
Oliver's grin widened and he held the bottle over his head, which was very unfair given how much taller he was than her. "You need to pay the piper first." His other arm shot out and reeled Felicity in.
She made an annoyed face, but they both knew it was just for show. Felicity was already tipping back her head and rising up to her toes to meet Oliver's lips.
When she did, Felicity quickly figured out why Oliver was feeling so relaxed. "You started without me," she accused in a whisper. Then she reached up and bracketed his head with her hands, urging it to the side as she slanted her lips over his. Oliver's mouth opened immediately and her tongue slipped inside to make a thorough exploration.
"Mmm. Single malt," Felicity murmured, licking her lips. She wasn't a fan of whiskey, but Oliver was delicious.
"Only the best for John Diggle." But that was all Oliver had to say on the matter. The arm he had banded around Felicity's middle pulled her closer as he dove back in to continue the deep, lazy kiss.
Felicity was starting to feel a little drunk herself by the time she finally backed out of the kiss, with shallow tasting nips and a final rub of her nose against his. Falling back onto the balls of her feet, she hummed to herself, savoring the lingering taste of Oliver before grabbing the bottle from his now lax hand.
"Why do men insist on getting drunk before a big mission?" Felicity asked saucily as she pulled out of his arms, making sure to do it slow and suggestive, enjoying the way Oliver's eyes followed her movements. No one had ever made her feel sexy like he did.
"First of all," Oliver argued, his heated gaze on her backside as Felicity brought the bottle to the table in the corner of the room, "Sara drank us all under the table, so none of your sexist talk."
Felicity laughed, delighted. "Touché," she conceded, looking around for something resembling a glass.
"Second of all, I'm not even close to drunk."
Oliver said it as if the notion was ridiculous, as if the mere idea that Oliver Queen would ever deign to suffer the weakness of inebriation was absurd. He sauntered over and grabbed Felicity's hand as she tried to pass him, yanking her back into his arms.
"Mmmhmm," Felicity hummed skeptically. "So Broody Oliver decided to go away the night before the biggest mission of our lives with…no help at all?"
Oliver's response was to cup her ass and squeeze. "I think I have all the help I need right here."
Felicity slapped his ridiculously big bicep, but gladly accepted his nibbling kiss, which she would concede sent a mixed message. "If I were enough to drive away broody Oliver—"
"You are," Oliver insisted, kissing her nose. "But I might be slightly…relaxed from the whiskey."
"Well, I hope no one is so relaxed that it interferes with tomorrow."
Oliver sobered at that and Felicity regretted her words the moment his smile died. "It never does."
And it was true enough. It was a tradition of sorts for the team to drink together before a big mission. Caitlin and Felicity usually begged out, preferring to pour over their science and data, but they weren't Special Ops, they were Science and Tech, and Special Ops, they drank. And Ronnie. He was Engineering, but was always up for a drink.
Felicity stroked Oliver's cheek, gently scratching her blunt nails through his scruff. "No, it doesn't." Because this was their life. They faced death around every corner. But never as acutely as tomorrow.
They stared at each other for a long minute, a simple moment of silent communion before Oliver forced lightness back into his tone, "Besides, I need my CO to be drunk so he doesn't realize I traded keys with Caitlin."
Felicity patted his chest, chuckling. It was so cute that Oliver insisted on thinking any of this was a secret from the rest of the team.
"Digg knows where you sleep, Oliver. Digg knows where Ronnie sleeps." Felicity slipped out of his arms when she finally spied two mismatched tumblers on the shelf against the wall. Then over her shoulder, she threw out with a grin, "And I'm pretty sure that was Lyla slipping out of Digg's room at 6am when I was doing my first coffee run."
"No shit," Oliver breathed, dropping into a chair next to the table.
He was genuinely shocked. For a trained ARGUS agent who could sense danger a half mile away and seemed to have eyes in the back of his head, sometimes, Oliver was amazingly oblivious.
"Uh…yeah." Men. Worthy of an eye roll for sure.
"So, why doesn't John say anything?" Oliver groused. "We've been playing this game for years now, pretending there's nothing going on. Ronnie and Caitlin's marriage didn't have to be a goddamn secret."
"They wanted it private," Felicity soothed, a hand dropping to his shoulder. "Just the four of us." They had served as the only witnesses to their friends' wedding a few weeks prior. Caitlin was her best friend and Oliver and Ronnie were like brothers.
Frowning, Oliver pulled Felicity into his lap. "Our CO just takes a perverse pleasure in torturing us."
Felicity knew that for a long time now Oliver had wanted to be affectionate in public. He was so over the excitement of a 'secret' relationship. And, yes, she actually did think John enjoyed messing with the younger agents, especially Oliver, who he had long ago taken on as his protégé.
"Maybe John just thinks we should all keep it on the down low out of respect for Sara and Slade." Though, Felicity completely believed it was to torture Oliver and Ronnie. Mostly Oliver.
"What?" Oliver laughed, relaxing more now that Felicity was on his lap, his hands playing with the frayed edge of her shorts. "Because Sara and Slade might feel left out just because…three-fourths of the team is hooking up? Oh god, I can't believe three-fourths of the team is hooking up. Then his eyes widened, a horrified look coming over his face. "You don't think Sara and Slade…"
Now that was funny. "Dear god, no." Felicity shuddered. She couldn't help herself.
"Thank god! Not only for the eww factor, but a fight between Sara and Shado is not something I want to see."
Felicity leaned in to give Oliver a quick kiss, her hands snaking under the hem of his t-shirt. "I don't think you have to worry about it. There's absolutely zero interest."
The corner of Oliver's lips tipped up. "I don't know about that. Slade found Sara dancing with that busty Latina hottie pretty interesting."
Felicity rolled her eyes, in disgust this time. "That's because Slade's a Perv. I have no idea how Shado puts up with him. Or why."
She swiveled in his lap to grab the bottle, but got distracted by Oliver's lips on her nape. His arm wound around her middle to pull Felicity's back flush with his chest as his teeth scrapped the length of her neck. His hand gently coiled in her braid, pulling her head to the side so he could have better access.
Felicity moaned, leaning into it. "And, by the way, I'm pretty sure Slade knows about us too. I know Sara does." They had had frank conversations about it. Actually, Sara didn't even pretend it was a secret.
Grunting, Oliver closed his teeth around Felicity's earlobe and tugged. Then he pressed a lingering kiss on her pulse. "It makes these games we're playing feel pretty silly."
"Hhmmm?" Felicity rolled her head on his shoulder so she could meet Oliver's eyes. She was finally starting to unwind.
But, unfortunately, Oliver's face had fallen into that old broody expression. "I'm done hiding what you mean to me."
Felicity blew out a breath, turning her torso to face him again. "Oliver, ARGUS—"
"Can go fuck themselves."
Sighing, Felicity ran her hands over his chest, wishing for playful Oliver back. She didn't want to argue tonight and, while this wasn't the first time Oliver had voiced this complaint, he seemed really serious about it this time.
"Oliver, ARGUS aside, the team is our family. I know how much that means to you." To both of them, really. They were both closer to these six people than either of them had ever been to their own family.
Oliver's eyes flashed with determination, turning hard and bright. "We rock this mission tomorrow, Felicity…we take Reiter down for good, then the team is untouchable."
"No one is untouchable, Oliver," Felicity murmured, wishing he were right, but knowing he wasn't.
Anxiety and dread was resurfacing again at the mention of tomorrow's mission. Because what if they didn't 'rock it?' This was the hardest thing they had ever done. Their team of eight, as talented as they were, against Reiter, his fraken magic, and god knows how many Shadowspire agents?
These weren't odds Felicity wanted to calculate. But with a brain like hers, the numbers came automatically. They weren't pretty.
"Fine, maybe not untouchable, but they certainly aren't going to break up their golden team because we're in a relationship," Oliver insisted stubbornly. "Of almost two years. If it hasn't ruined the team dynamic yet, why would it going forward?"
Maybe Oliver was right, maybe…but first they had to survive the next 48 hours and Felicity really didn't need another thing riding on this going their way.
Suddenly, what she really needed was that wine. Turning back to the table, Felicity pulled the bottle out of the bag and…
"Oliver, this is rum!"
"Apparently, that's what constitutes really good red wine in Guatemala."
"Oliver!" Felicity groaned, her jaw dropping at his flippant attitude. What the hell? She was promised red wine, goddamn it!
Throwing his hands up in surrender, Oliver shrugged. "I asked the guy for their best red wine and this is what he gave me. And before you say anything, my Spanish was excellent, not even a little slurred."
He leaned around her, reaching both arms over Felicity's to grab the bottle. Resting his chin on her shoulder, Oliver twisted off the top of the bottle, his arms bulging, which was clearly an attempt to both placate and distract her. Then, to add insult to injury, the sneaky bastard poured her much too much, saying, "Try it. This shit wasn't cheap."
"You're a sucker. Why would you accept rum in place of wine?" Felicity picked up the tumbler, with what was likely a bit too much petulance, and sipped. Then she decided she was completely justified in her irritation as she immediately broke off in a cough when liquid tore down her throat.
Of course, her asshole boyfriend laughed, low and rich and sexy, which just annoyed her further.
Felicity shot him a death glare. Then, holding his gaze, she took Oliver's stupid, unspoken dare and threw back the rest of the dark liquid like a shot, wincing as she did. She would never understand how people sipped the hard stuff, expensive or not.
"That's my girl," Oliver hummed, wrapping her braid around his fist and dipping her head back so he could slant his mouth over hers. His tongue sought out the taste of rum, helping spread that fire so it spanned out and unfurled throughout her entire body, leaving Felicity feeling lax and warm.
It wasn't long before Felicity forgot why she was annoyed. His tongue chasing all thought from her mind and it wasn't the first time. When Oliver backed out of the kiss with one last slow suck of her bottom lip, Felicity let out an involuntary giggle.
"Lightweight," Oliver teased, his voice warm and his eyes bright.
"Is that supposed to be an insult?"
"Nope." Tightening the arm around her middle, Oliver reached over and grabbed the liquor with his other hand, taking two long swallows straight from the bottle and swiping his mouth with the back of his hand. "Good stuff. For rum."
Strong stuff.
Felicity pushed back another giggle. She hated how silly she sounded when she did that. "Keep drinking like that and you're going to be a little more than relaxed."
"The problem is you're not relaxed enough." Oliver smiled as he handed her the bottle.
But Felicity pulled back her hand instead of taking it shaking her head. "Oh no, I've had enough. I don't like rum." Nasty stuff.
The look Oliver gave her was both mischievous and determined. He poured a long drought into his own mouth, then titled her head back again, spilling the warm rum directly from his mouth to Felicity's, then chasing it with his tongue.
And Felicity had to say, rum flavored Oliver wasn't half bad.
Actually, Oliver flavored anything was pretty damn intoxicating.
Felicity lost herself in his kiss, the warm slide of their tongues wrestling lazily for dominance. She didn't even realize that Oliver had put the bottle down until she felt two roughened hands slip under her tank-top, dragging it up before tossing the shirt carelessly aside.
She wasn't wearing a bra. It was too damn hot for a bra.
Oliver hummed appreciatively. He lifted her off his lap, his mouth never leaving hers. Felicity thought he was going to drag her off to bed, but, instead, he pulled her back, straddling him this time.
The kiss turned messy, tongues and lips and teeth clashing, falling over cheeks and chins and cheeks. It felt incredible and Felicity giggled again, no longer caring if she sounded silly as she snuck her hands under Oliver's perspiration dampened t-shirt.
Felicity wasn't really sure why he bothered to wear one sometimes, the way it clung like second skin. She pulled it off, dropping it to the ground and running her hands over his muscled ridges. ARGUS training created some truly beautiful specimens, but none so beautiful as her Oliver.
As soon as they were both free from clingy cotton, Oliver yanked her flush against his chest, taking control of the kiss, turning it into a more elegant, deep sensual kiss. That was good too.
She wasn't sure how long they went on like that, with lengthy, deep kisses and beautiful friction. Long enough for Felicity's cheeks to burn from Oliver's stubble.
When Felicity felt herself being lifted, she went with it, following his lead. Gladly. Eagerly. Oliver's hands flexed on her ass as he stood. She knew the drill and reflexively wrapped her legs tightly around his lean hips as he carried her over to their poor excuse for a bed. A bed that there was a good possibility they would break tonight. Wouldn't be the first time.
Oliver laid her down gently, clearly intent on taking his time. Felicity was only too happy to indulge his need to worship her. It allowed her mind to quiet for a short time, something she desperately needed.
"Mmmm."
Felicity's only desire at that moment was to think of nothing but Oliver. Feel nothing but Oliver. Her wonderful, damaged, perfect Oliver, who had made her believe in love again after Felicity had given up, made her believe that men could be good, that they could stay, even after they'd been through hell themselves.
After her father left, after too many teenage asshats, after Cooper chose death over living with her, Felicity hadn't believed she would ever trust another man again. Not with her heart, anyway. Her optimism just didn't extend that far.
But Oliver…Oliver who wouldn't take 'no' for an answer. Yet, somehow, who always respected her wishes. Who slowly, meticulously, broke down every barrier and defense she had and…she loved him.
Felicity loved him more than she had ever thought possible. More than she loved life itself.
By the time Oliver had built her up to a slow and perfect orgasm, Felicity was so filled with emotion that she thought she might shatter. In more ways than one.
She whimpered and tensed, calling, "Oliver," so quietly she wasn't even sure it was out loud, before her body became limp, melting into the bed.
Oliver pulled back, panting, his heavy-lidded eyes almost black. He pressed one last loving kiss on her stomach before standing. His penetrating blue gaze held hers as he finished stripping, his body beautiful in the fading sunlight.
The eye contact was intense, as it sometimes was for them. Neither of them was people of shallow emotions. But, for some reason, this time it felt…more. It was humbling and terrifying to feel so connected with another person.
Then, suddenly, Felicity was consumed with dread. She had this all-encompassing fear that this was the last time for them.
What if this was goodbye?
Anything could happen tomorrow. So much could go wrong. They didn't fully understand the forces they were dealing with. Despite their best efforts, the team had no idea what the science behind the Mayan 'magic' was, if there even was any. All they knew was that it was powerful and that, somehow, Reiter knew how to harness it.
All they had were hieroglyphics and Felicity's algorithms to guide them. What if she were translating all wrong? What if it was a trap? What if Reiter got there first and was waiting for them, already armed with all the powers they were trying to keep from him? That man was pure evil. Felicity could feel it in her bones.
She couldn't lose Oliver. Felicity knew…believed that he wouldn't willingly leave her. But he could be taken. He could die. She could die. They both could—
"Hey, hey, Felicity. Look at me, Sunshine. It's okay."
Felicity hadn't even realized that she was crying until Oliver was right there, his face inches from hers, his thumbs gently wiping the tears from her face. She tried to draw in a breath and it ended in a sob.
"God. Felicity." Oliver's arms came around her and Felicity curled into him, her face buried in his chest, her fingers gripping his shoulders and arms. Sobbing.
Oliver held her like that for long minutes, stroking her back and murmuring nonsense words into her hair, while Felicity cried humiliating tears. She shouldn't be breaking down like this. She didn't have the luxury. She was a trained agent for god's sake.
Finally, Oliver asked, his tone rough with emotion, "What's wrong? You can tell me anything." There was a catch in his voice. This wasn't like her and they both knew it.
"I just…" Felicity didn't even know, couldn't begin to put it into words. Or, maybe, she was just afraid to give her fears voice. "I just love you so much."
The sound that Oliver made against her ear sounded suspiciously like a sob as well. "And I love you. Fe-li-ci-ty…it's going to be all right. We're going to be fine."
She didn't think they could get physically closer, but Felicity tried anyway, wrapping her calves around Oliver's and curling her fingers into the muscles of his shoulders.
But Oliver pulled back, his smile shaky and forced, his eyes red rimmed as he smoothed the damp curls from Felicity's face and wiped away the stray tears. She must look a wreck.
"Hey, where's my Sunshine? Aren't you the one who's supposed to be giving me the pep talk? Speechifying about how we can do this? How together we can do anything?"
Felicity huffed a watery laugh. The word 'speechify,' which was so her word and not Oliver's, getting to her more than anything. She tried to summon her usual positive attitude, the hope she was known for, but…she really didn't know why she was so afraid this time.
"I love you," Felicity repeated. It was the only hopeful thing she could conjure.
"Always and forever," Oliver whispered, a phrase he…they used when feeling particularly sappy. Or when things got exceptionally rough.
Felicity was going to start bawling again if she didn't do something, so she kissed him, pulling Oliver's lips back to hers with what must be an almost painful yank on his hair. She poured everything she was feeling in that moment into her kiss. The desperation. The fear. The fragile hope and the unwavering love and the gratitude and…
And Oliver kissed her back with equal feeling. Felicity tasted tears and she really didn't think they were only hers. She felt the emotion flowing between them and, suddenly, she couldn't stand not being connected to him in every way.
Reaching between them, Felicity guided him into her. Oliver's breath caught, a half-moan, half-sob escaping from his lips. His mouth froze against hers for just a fragment of a second before he melted back into it the kiss.
Felicity wrapped her arms and legs further around him, eager, no obsessed with having as much contact as possible, ignoring the heat and humidity that had them dripping with sweat.
Gently, they rocked together. Felicity didn't know if they had ever made love so…tenderly before. Everything about this night was different and she had to squeeze her eyes shut to silence that part of her brain that wanted to ruin everything by analyzing why.
They made love like that endlessly. On and on. Unhurried. Sweet. Tender. And Felicity felt a desperate need to stay trapped in that moment for as long as humanly possible.
But it couldn't last forever, not really, and Oliver ultimately broke the kiss with a whimper, signally the beginning of the end. "Felicity," Oliver breathed against her lips. "Always, Felicity, always."
Tears pricked again and Felicity pressed her eyes against Oliver's neck, relishing the burn of the sweat as it helped her maintain some semblance of control.
"I will love you forever," Felicity was finally able to whisper back.
Because she couldn't promise Oliver that she would be with him forever. Hell, she couldn't promise that they would survive tomorrow, but she could promise that she would always love him. Always and Forever. More than her own life. Until the end of time.
Felicity's orgasm wasn't an explosion. It wasn't a burst of intense pleasure, as it often…as it usually was. It came on slow and seeped through her pores, permeating every cell of her body. She held on. To every emotion. Every sensation. All of him. As long as she could.
"Are you going to cry again?" Oliver teasingly whispered into her hair after long minutes had passed with only the sound of their breathing and the quiet hum of the ineffectual fan.
Felicity let out soft laugh that may have ended with a sniffle. "Maybe." Because it was all so beautiful and perhaps she was just a little overwhelmed.
Oliver rolled them onto their sides, pulling Felicity close and slipping a leg between hers, his hands stroking long soothing paths down her spine and back up again.
"We're going to be okay," he whispered in her ear. "I know Reiter freaks you out—"
Felicity grunted. If that wasn't the understatement of the century.
"But…" Oliver squeezed her for emphasis, his voice firm. "We're taking him down tomorrow. One way or another."
As if the 'or another' wasn't terrifying enough…what if Oliver was wrong? Felicity had never been so unsure of an outcome in her life.
"Hey," Oliver murmured, pulling back to look Felicity in the eye. "And we are both…no, we are all going to walk out of there." He dropped a kiss on her lips. "Now, are you going to tell me why I'm giving your pre-mission speech?"
Felicity managed to laugh at that. If it was her speech, then Oliver was certainly doing an amazing job making it his own. "I don't know. I guess it's like you said, Reiter gets under my skin for some reason."
Actually, the entire mission was more than getting under her skin. It was filling her with dread. And for one sudden, insane moment, Felicity had the urge to run. To ask Oliver to take off with her. To abandon the mission. To not go.
But this was more important than them. Because, in the end, they were just two people and if Reiter got ahold of the Obsidian Scull than everyone, everywhere could be in danger. If this went bad, the consequences had the potential to be global and would most definitely be catastrophic.
Maybe that was why Felicity was so off. There was a lot riding on them getting to the Skull first. A lot depending on her translations and Oliver's aim. On her seven best friends.
"We're…you're going to be amazing. We're going to get there first because we've got you guiding us. You're our secret weapon," Oliver insisted, in a tone so confident it was difficult to disagree.
Except, Felicity did. And, frack, did he have to put so much pressure on her? Sometimes, Oliver's blind faith was stifling.
"And after, we're going on vacation."
Now that made Felicity laugh. For real this time. "We get vacation?" She was teasing. Just because they never took one, didn't mean they didn't get one.
Oliver rolled onto his back, bringing Felicity with him to drape her across his torso and rest her head on his shoulder. With the size of this bed, if they weren't practically on top of each other, one of them was going to fall off. It was the best thing about it.
"Do you know where I want to go when this is all over?"
"Disney World?" Felicity joked, attempting something resembling lightness. She felt like she should at least try.
Oliver's face broke out in a delighted grin so it was worth it. "Do you?"
Felicity shrugged, actually smiling. "Who doesn't love a giant mouse. Though, I have a feeling the 'thrill' rides would be a little anti-climactic after everything we've done."
Oliver chuckled, turning his eyes back to the ceiling and folding the arm not wrapped around her under his head. His smile faded as he became contemplative. "I think I'd like to visit Starling."
Oh. Okay. That was, maybe, the last thing Felicity expected him to say. Pushing herself up on her elbow, she tried to meet his eyes, but Oliver had suddenly found the stain on the ceiling rather fascinating.
"You're finally ready to tell your mom and sister you're alive?" Felicity asked, certain the shock was evident in her voice.
Oliver squeeze his eyes tightly shut and she could see his muscles stiffen. "I figured after we take down Reiter…"
He didn't have to finish. This was one sentence Felicity could easily complete for him. After Reiter, Oliver thought he might actually feel worthy again, feel redeemed for everything he'd had to do to survive during those two years on Lian Yu and even after with ARGUS.
This wasn't a pretty job. Felicity knew she was lucky. Her tech specialty meant she rarely had to take a life, except in the most extreme circumstances. Special Ops, on the other hand…
"You don't have to take down Reiter to be worthy, Oliver," Felicity whispered, lightly stroking his chest. "You are a good man. A hero. One your family will be proud of." And if they weren't…well, Felicity had a couple choice words for them.
Oliver swallowed, his eyes cracking open to look at her. His smile started small and then bloomed across his face. He grabbed Felicity's hand and entwined their fingers over his chest. "They're going to love you."
Oh
Crap.
As happy as she was about Oliver deciding to reach out to his family (she knew how much he missed them and being 'dead' was a burden he didn't need) Felicity hadn't really thought about the whole the going with him part. The part where she met his incredibly wealthy and sophisticated mother and sister as they reeled from the shock of their son and brother coming back from the dead.
Felicity was afraid the laugh that escaped right then was more hysterical than not. Great, now she had another thing to worry about.
"Riiight…I'm sure Moira Queen will be thrilled when you return with a skinny blood nerd from Vegas and not at all blame her for stealing her son and keeping him to herself for the last three years and think she is far too young for him and—"
"You are only four years younger than me and ten times more mature," Oliver argued, in the tone of someone repeating himself for the hundredth time. Which may have been accurate. "My mother will adore the brilliant woman who saved her son's soul—"
That burn behind Felicity's eyes was back. "Oliver—"
"And who her son intends to marry."
Felicity's stomach did a very distinct somersault. "Oliver…?"
Biting his lip, Oliver found that spot on the ceiling again. "You know that I envy Ronnie and Cait, right?"
Swallowing, Felicity shook her head, feeling thrown and unsure. They may have discussed forever, but never marriage. "I didn't know, actually."
Oliver brought Felicity's hand to his lips and pressed a kiss against her palm. "Well, I do."
More summersaults. That couldn't be a good combination with the rum. If Oliver proposed the night before a potentially fatal mission, this particular mission, Felicity was going to freak the frak out.
"Are you trying to tell me something, Oliver?" Felicity asked and it was one of the braver things she had done in her life.
Shrugging again, Oliver still wouldn't meet her gaze. "Only that there is a ring in the vault back home that would look spectacular on you." And, this time when he went to kiss Felicity's hand, he very clearly lingered on her ring finger.
Felicity released the breath she hadn't realized she had been holding. Well, at least, Oliver wasn't asking now. She supposed she could handle a heads up that it was coming. A heads up was probably a good thing, actually.
Marriage wasn't something that Felicity had thought much about. Watching how her mother coped with her father leaving…well, the idea of marriage, maybe, kinda… petrified her.
But Felicity had already promised Oliver always and forever. Something she meant with her whole heart. What difference did a piece of paper and a bit of bling make?
Then she realized Oliver was waiting for her to say something. "I think I'd like to meet your sister," Felicity offered, not ready to head-on address the other yet.
Oliver smiled at the stain above him. "Yeah, I bet she grew up pretty cool." There was a wistfulness in his voice that had Felicity pressing soft kisses against his shoulder.
"I'm moving into your room when we get back to base."
"What?! Oliver—"
"I'm done hiding." Oliver's tone was hard and left very little room for argument.
But that had never stopped Felicity before. "Oliver, ARGUS—"
"Fuck ARGUS."
Felicity grunted her frustration, then practically whined, "They'll separate us."
ARGUS didn't prohibit relationships. They couldn't, really. But they could, and did, prohibit them from being on the same team. And breaking up the team was unthinkable. It was what had all of them sneaking into each other's rooms in the hazy half-light.
"Then we'll quit." Oliver said it as if it were that easy.
It wasn't though. "You don't mean that." What would they do with ARGUS? It was their lives.
"I do," Oliver insisted and, frighteningly, Felicity was starting to believe him. "If they can't see that we work better together than apart, after two years of being together and on the same team, well, then fuck them. I quit. I'm done pretending. And I'm not doing this without you."
It was humbling, and sometimes terrifying, how much weight Oliver put on their relationship. "Do I have a say in this?" Felicity asked gently, more as a reminder, because she knew she did. He wouldn't do anything unless it was what she wanted as well.
"Yes." Oliver turned his puppy-dog eyes on her and Felicity sighed. She didn't know a woman on this planet who could resist them.
Well, it wasn't as if she wasn't tired of sneaking around as well. But ARGUS, the team…it was a lot to risk. This team was the first place Felicity had ever felt like she belonged. "What would we even do with ourselves without ARGUS?"
"Felicity, you're brilliant. You could do anything. You could work for my parent's company. Hell, you could run my family's company. You could run your own company. You could—"
"Okay. Okay. I get the picture," Felicity chuckled, but as much as Oliver's words warmed her, she didn't even know if ARGUS would let her leave, what with the deal that brought her on board in the first place. "What about you? You were born for Special Ops?"
Oliver just raised an eyebrow at her.
"I'm serious." Sometimes Felicity didn't think Oliver thought things through. "Are you going to be a cop?" Seeing him shudder she pressed on, "Go into Private Security? Teach archery lessons?"
"The last doesn't sound half bad."
Dear god, he was serious! Felicity slapped his chest, earning an, "Ow!" Though, they both knew it barely stung.
"This isn't a joke, Oliver."
"I'm not joking." And god help them, it was becoming clear he wasn't. "Felicity, I love being SO. I'm good at it. Better than I've ever been at anything, actually. But, mostly, I love our team and I love you. If Waller tries to take either, I'll walk away and never look back." Then Oliver's face softened. Oh god, not the puppy-dog eyes again. "That is, if you'll come with me?"
Instead of answering, Felicity squeezed her eyes shut and moaned. Why was Oliver making her think about this tonight of all nights? "You didn't answer me about what you'd do," she finally whispered.
"My family has money." Which was quite the understatement, Felicity knew. "I'll be a man of leisure."
Felicity's eyes popped open and she scoffed.
But Oliver just squeezed her waist and smirked. "I could be a House Husband."
Felicity had to laugh at that, because while it did have a certain appeal, it was a very amusing image. "You'd be bored to death."
Oliver's smile faded and his eyes became solemn. "Not if I have a half-dozen kids to watch over," he whispered.
She just blinked at him. "You're serious." Wow. Okay. Felicity was kind of in awe and also… she didn't even know what else.
Oliver bit his lip and took a sudden interest in twirling what was left of her braid around his finger. "Remember San Paulo?"
Felicity nodded. How could she forget? A few months back, they had helped evacuate an orphanage on the outskirts of the city after a major Shadowspire attack. It had been pretty horrible. The slums. The fallout.
"Remember that little girl?"
"Maria?"
Oliver nodded. The parentless toddler had taken quite a shine to Oliver and, why not, he'd been incredibly kind and patient with her. With all the kids. Maria had clung to Oliver like a limpet for three days. And when they had to leave, well, it was best not to think about that when Felicity was so emotionally raw. Suffice it to say, it had been ugly.
But, somehow, Oliver managed to smile when thinking about the child. "I never thought much about having kids…before. But I think…I think, maybe, I could be a good dad."
Well, so much for keeping the tears at bay. "The best," Felicity whispered, her voice rough. Though, conversely her chest was filling with warmth, with pride.
Oliver flashed her a grateful smile. "Well, at least, I think I could be better than my dad. Or yours."
"Pfft. Let's not set the bar so low, shall we."
Chuckling, Oliver turned more completely toward her, looking more relaxed and, well, happy. "You'll be the most incredible mom."
Felicity choked, 'cause pretty sure Oliver was the first person to think so. The only things she knew how to take care of ran on some form of electricity. "You do remember I'm only 22? Like barely 22, old man."
"I'm not saying right away," Oliver protested, not losing his lazy smile. But then, he bit his lip and his gaze slipped from hers. "Not that I would mind that either." His hand wandered from her hip to her stomach, resting there and Felicity's breath caught.
Yeah. Wow. Not where she thought this night was going to go. Swallowing, Felicity confessed, "I had no idea having kids meant that much to you."
Oliver smiled a wistful half-smile. "Neither did I. My father used to go on and on about the Queen Legacy and it just made me…annoyed, you know? I always thought that if he cared so much about the family name he should have had more children and not put it all on me. But after San Paulo and working around all this centuries old crap—"
"Only you would see a thousand years of Mayan history as 'crap'." Felicity rolled her eyes. This 'crap' had practically been her life this past year.
"But that's the thing, Felicity. I always would have, but…now, looking at the dynasties carved in stone. We kinda have some of that in the Queen family…not millennia, but centuries of history. I know it sounds strange, but, suddenly, building a Legacy of my own, with you, it sounds kinda good."
It sounded kinda terrifying. Mixing her low brow genes with those of metaphorical American Royalty. Though, Felicity could lend some IQ points to the line, at the very least. "I don't know if I'd want to raise them amongst all that hoity-toity stuff. I'd want them more down to Earth—"
Oliver cut Felicity off with a hard kiss. When he pulled away he was beaming. "I told you'd be the best mom."
Felicity grinned. She could not believe she was having this conversation. "I'm sure Moira Queen would agree," she drawled sarcastically.
"Felicity, I love my mother. But we are not taking parenting advice from her."
She laughed and Oliver flipped back onto his side and yanked her to him so they were flush again, nose to nose.
"But imagine it. In another couple years, I'll retire. You can work in the Cave, doing R&D. Or retire too. Whatever you want. We'll buy a house, a moderately sized house, in a nice normal neighborhood, and have our own little baseball team."
"Uh…how many kids make up a baseball team exactly?"
"The number is negotiable," Oliver brushed off, clearly very excited now. Felicity had never seen his eyes so alive. "Except, I want more than one. One's lonely. It was better after Thea was born."
Felicity's throat closed up. "Yeah. Yeah, one is lonely."
With one more beaming smile, Oliver's lips closed over hers. And, this time, Felicity could taste his hope. His excitement and happiness.
Felicity could see it too, now. Oliver happy and relaxed, surrounded by gorgeous blue-eyed children, climbing on him, clamoring for his attention. She could even see a little bespectacled toe-headed angel on her lap, diligently plucking away at a tablet.
Nothing had ever seemed less lonely. For someone who had grown up so entirely by herself, it was incredibly seductive.
"Okay," Felicity whispered when she broke away, breathless. And she really didn't think it had anything to do with the kiss.
If it was possible for Oliver's eyes to light up more, they did. "Okay to…?"
Okay to all of it.
But Felicity wasn't quite ready to admit to that yet, even though the idea was worming its way into her heart and mind, taking root at a frightening speed. Instead, she said, "Okay to moving into my room and telling Waller she separates us over our dead bodies. The rest we'll talk about after."
Oliver beamed. "I'll take it." He pulled Felicity into a tight hug. "You won't regret it. I promise."
But promises were so hard to keep in their line of work and Felicity was really starting to regret her phrasing, because 'over our dead bodies' was now on repeat in her head, giving her chills in the suffocating heat. And the anxiety was creeping up again as she had something almost approaching a premonition of doom.
If Felicity believed in such things.
Which she didn't. Nope. Not a bit. Foolish stuff.
Suddenly, Oliver's dream of a house and a ring and a half-dozen children felt impossible. And, just as suddenly, Felicity had never wanted anything more. She wanted it with a burning passion.
Oliver pulled out of her arms and Felicity had to clench her hands into tight fists to keep from clinging to him desperately. "Where are you going?"
But Oliver was already at the small table, grabbing the bottle of rum and turning to her, gloriously naked, with a brilliant smile on his face. He was celebrating and she was panicking.
"This stuff was expensive and night is young."
Felicity pushed away her dark thoughts. She was done lingering on fear. Premonition of doom? Pfft! How ridiculous was that? She'd spent way too much time researching ancient Mayan mumbo jumbo. That was all it was. Too many old stories messing with her head. Oliver was right.
Everything was going to be fine. Felicity wasn't going to let any more nonsense ruin their night.
Felicity opened her arms to the man she loved and Oliver was back in two long strides, pushing her down playfully and smirking as he poured rum into her navel.
It looked like Oliver had body shots in mind after all. If that couldn't distract her, Felicity didn't know what could.
June 7, 2011
13:03
ARGUS Base
Undisclosed location
Felicity woke up to pain.
Pain everywhere. Not one sharp pain. No, lots and lots of sharp pains. The worst of which was down low in her belly. Her whole body ached, felt dulled, and Felicity recognized the unmistakable feeling of pain medication wearing off. She had the distinct impression that if she gave it a few minutes the pain would take her breath away.
Her mouth was dry. The lights were too bright, the walls a dull grey. Felicity would have recognized the ARGUS Medical Bay anywhere.
Blinking open her dry eyes, Felicity let them focus on the white-coated figure next to her. "Shado?" She breathed and her voice was horse. Not a good sign. Rough voices and Medical Bays usually equaled recent extubations.
"Felicity. Welcome back to the world of the living," her friend (and doctor apparently) greeted with a small, tired smile.
Swallowing, Felicity tried to clear her scratchy throat and reached to raise the hospital bed. What did it say that she could find it without looking? "What happened?"
"You don't remember?" At Shado's gentle words dozens…hundreds of images assailed her.
They had arrived to bright blue skies, white limestone, and green grass, but soon…the darkness below was overwhelming. Like the sun was shut out. Deep underground with the narrow stone passages and the rows and rows of hieroglyphics. The Skull…the bright shining black obsidian, so dark and so bright at the same time. The hessonite eyes that came alive when Reiter…
God! Reiter. A swarm of Shadowspire soldiers. With guns and the…the limestone shaking from the impact of bullets…falling…crumbling…the fear they would all be buried alive. The red lightning and…bodies.
Blood. Bullets. Oliver. People flying. Her people. Sharp, blinding pain. Overwhelming darkness.
This was the stuff nightmares were made of. Felicity almost laughed hysterically, because surely this would be what her nightmares would be made of. For years to come.
Felicity wanted to say that the mission had gone terribly wrong, but for a mission like this…it was just a mission. Casualties were expected. Though, if she had been faster with the translations…
If she hadn't messed up that one symbol…
If she had gotten them to the chamber sooner…
"Reiter?" Felicity asked, being the good agent. Because as far as the mission was concerned that was the most important thing. It was also the least terrifying of the questions swimming through her brain.
"Dead," Shado answered, in a dull, matter-of-fact tone. "The Skull is gone. Smashed. The only things left are the Hessonite eyes and they're in ARGUS custody. The mission was a success. Waller is thrilled."
Of course, she was. It probably didn't even phase Waller that she had agents lying in the hospital wing with a surgeon standing over them.
Dear god, she hurt. Felicity should probably ask for more pain meds, but she needed to think clearly for a few more minutes. Not that it was easy to think with the rising pain.
"You don't sound like it's time to celebrate. What's the damage?" Saying it out loud caused her brain to catch up and Felicity looked around the room, panic escalating. "Where Oliver?" If he were alright, he would be there. Fuck.
Shado laid a hand on Felicity's shoulder. "Relax. Oliver is fine. In fact, he had the least damage of anyone, certainly less than you. Thanks to the bullet you took for him. He's pretty pissed about that, by the way."
"I'll bet." Felicity licked her dry lips and Shado handed her a cup of water with a straw. After taking a sip, Felicity asked the question she'd been half-dreading. "Then where is he?"
"Oliver's been a little…let's say…insane over your condition." For the first time, Shado's eyes lit up with amusement. "We had to sedate him. He's sleeping it off."
Felicity nodded. It caused agony to shoot through her skull, though, so she stopped. "And the rest of the team?" she asked, taking measured breaths trying to control the pain.
Shado's face hardened and that dread Felicity had been feeling since the night before the mission resurfaced with a vengeance. The physical pain faded into the background as fear mounted.
"Maybe we should wait until Oliver—"
"Just tell me, Shado." Because that meant it was bad and there was no way Felicity was going to just sit here and worry, while she waited god knows how long for Oliver to wake up. She honestly couldn't think of anything worse.
"Felicity, Oliver would—"
"Since when do we need a man to hold our hand for bad news, Shado?" Felicity pulled the feminist card. That's right, she did. Not only because it was true, but because it was a language Shado understood.
The young surgeon sighed, frowning as she looked Felicity over.
"It's my team. I need to know," Felicity pleaded, praying…god, she didn't even know what to pray for. Because if they were all okay she'd know by now.
Clenching her jaw, Shado nodded. "Slade lost an eye." She said it dispassionately. As if it wasn't her lover she was talking about. As if these people hadn't become her family too. "John took a bullet to the thigh, but he'd recovering well. Sara's still in surgery. They're hopeful…"
But it was the way Shado trailed off that really made Felicity nauseous. "And…?"
"We lost Ronnie."
"Oh god."
The news slammed into her, Felicity's head fell back as tears squeezed out of her tightly shut eyelids. She would never admit it, but in that moment, she wished Oliver was there to hold her hand. No wonder he went so crazy that he had to be sedated. No wonder. Ronnie. Bright, cocky, full-of life Ronnie.
If Felicity had translated faster, better...would he be here now? Holding his new wife's hand?
"Caitlin?" Felicity whispered, barely able to get the name out. Oh god, Caitlin. How could she even begin…?
"Taking it about as well as expected."
Which meant not good. Not good at all.
"Did you sedate her too?" Felicity croaked, wishing she had been there for her friend and not…wherever she had been. Surgery for that bullet to the gut, she supposed, judging by Shado's presence. And the building pain.
Shado gave a single nod and Felicity closed her eyes and took deep breaths, trying to take it all in, trying to not freak out. Maybe the pain wasn't so bad. It was something else to focus on. But when she opened her eyes again, Shado was looking at her like…
"There's more," Felicity murmured, suddenly terrified.
Shado's frown deepened.
"Who else?" Felicity quickly ran through the team in her head. "Lyla?"
"A mild concussion. Nothing serious."
"Then what is it? There's more, I can tell. There's something you don't want to tell me." What could be worse than losing Ronnie? Shado said Oliver was fine. She wouldn't lie about that.
Shado's face shut down. "I think you should wait for Oliver."
What could be so bad that Felicity needed to wait for Oliver? She barely registered that, apparently, they were done pretending that they were all in relationship with each other. "Do I need to repeat my speech about not needing a man—?"
"Felicity, sometimes a person needs their partner," Shado insisted.
Felicity almost freaked the fuck out that sounded so damn ominous. "And I will have Oliver, when he wakes up. But you need to tell me now, Shado. Don't leave me here imagining worst case scenarios." Pain made her short tempered on top of it all.
Maybe that was what Shado was hiding. Maybe Felicity wasn't going to get better. Maybe that was why Oliver had needed to be sedated.
Shado sighed and sat on the bed, taking Felicity's hand. Oh god, this was bad. She fought back tears.
"Felicity, the bullet you took to the abdomen did extensive damage."
So, it was her then that the bad news was about. But that was okay. Felicity could handle that. She thought. How bad could it be? She couldn't be dying, could she? "Okay…"
Sighing, Shado drew herself up. "We had to do a total hysterectomy. We were able to save one ovary, so you won't have to be on hormones your entire life…"
Shado kept speaking, but all Felicity heard was the roaring in her ears. Her vision blurred and the world went wonkly for a minute. She felt like she was outside of her body. She didn't understand.
"Wait. What?'
"Felicity, we had to remove your uterus. There was too much damage."
Shado's voice was sad, compassionate, but all Felicity could think was…she was 22 years-old. She was only 22 and so many choices had already been taken from her. And now…
There were supposed to be beautiful blue-eyed rascals climbing all over Oliver. Toe-headed little geniuses sitting on her lap. But…but…
"So I'll never…" Felicity's voice faded out. It took her a full minute to find it again. "I can't ever have children?"
"You'll never carry a child, no."
The monitors started to go crazy, but Felicity didn't realize that she had started to hyperventilate until Shado placed an oxygen mask on her face.
In 22 years, Felicity had never had more than a passing thought for having children and just as Oliver made her realize how desperately she wanted them, wanted them with him…the dream was gone. Taken away. Forever.
Felicity would appreciate the irony if she didn't feel eviscerated. Oh god, in a way, she quite literally had been. Eviscerated. What a word. If she could breathe, she'd laugh.
Really, Felicity didn't understand why it hurt so much. It wasn't like she had lost an actual baby, just a…potential baby. How had it taken only one night for her to want something so desperately? Why did it feel like someone had murdered those beautiful blue-eyes babies? Murdered happiness.
Shado shook her head, clearly angry at herself. "I knew I should have waited for Oliver."
But Felicity didn't want those babies as desperately as Oliver did. He wanted more than a child. He'd dreamt of a Legacy.
"No."
Felicity couldn't take his dreams from him. She couldn't.
Shado froze, looking up. "What?"
Felicity grabbed the oxygen mask and pulled it off, enunciating carefully. "No. You are not going to tell Oliver anything."
Shado looked confused. Thrown. It was a strange look for her. "I don't understand. Felicity—"
"You're my doctor, right? You're bound by doctor-patient confidentiality? So, if I tell you not to tell anyone, especially Oliver…?"
"I can't," Shado breathed, catching on. "But, Felicity. This is a terrible idea."
Felicity shook her head, tears falling in a steady stream now. As she cried for herself. For Oliver. For Ronnie and Caitlyn. So many dreams that would never be. For those blue-eyed babies. So much had been destroyed. Everything had been destroyed. For Caitlin. For Felicity. Everything.
But, maybe not for all of them. Three of them had lost their happy ending, but maybe one of them could find another. Maybe that could be the last thing Felicity could give him.
She had known something terrible was going to happen. Felicity had just known it. That final night with Oliver had felt like a goodbye and now she knew why.
"Felicity, can I—"
"I'd like to be alone," Felicity whispered.
There was a long beat of silence, where Felicity refused to look at her friend. Refused to do anything but lay there, staring straight ahead.
Finally, Shado stood. "What do you want me to tell Oliver? The team?"
"That I want to be alone." Felicity's voice sounded strangely flat, even to her own ears. She forced herself to roll away, cringing as the agony that lanced through her. She closed her eyes, shutting out the world, ignoring Shado's final arguments, her pleas to change her mind. The pain made it easy. So, so much pain.
Felicity barely heard her anyway. It sounded like Shado was speaking to her from under water. This must be what it felt like when the world fell apart.
She was alone. Again.
Oliver had said he wouldn't stay in ARGUS without Felicity, so if he didn't have her, he could go home. He could still have his beautiful future back home with his family. He would hurt. Of course, he would hurt. But he would find someone new to give him those babies. It shouldn't be hard. He was rather irresistible.
Felicity loved Oliver too much to be the one who kept him from the future he deserved.
She knew what he'd say if he were there. Oliver would be devastated, but he would stay strong. For her. He'd say it was all okay. That he loved her, wanted her. Maybe, he'd even say that he didn't need a child of his own. Maybe he'd suggest they go back to San Paulo and adopt that little girl.
But if Felicity allowed it, allowed him to sacrifice his dreams to be with her, then Oliver would never have a child of his own. The Legacy of the Queen line would die with him. Because of her.
And, eventually, Oliver would resent her. Maybe even leave her. Just like her father left. Felicity had always known, hadn't she? They all left eventually. She was never meant to have anyone stay. She wasn't the happy ending type.
At some point, Shado must have given up and left, but Felicity couldn't have said when. Shortly after, a nurse came in and offered more pain meds, which Felicity gladly, gratefully accepted.
As she drifted off into a drug induced stupor, Felicity knew what she had to do. She loved Oliver more than her own life. She had to sacrifice her happiness for his.
(More photographs and art for this chapter on my Tumblr. Emmilynestill)
