Elvish Paradise by Technetium
Rating: PG
Summary: Young Aragorn raps about growing up in Rivendell and the problems of fangirls to the tune of Weird Al's "Amish Paradise".
Archive: Sure, just tell me.
Feedback: I'll take anything – constructive criticism, praise, flames, insults, death threats, etc.
Disclaimer: "Amish Paradise" is a great song by Weird Al Yankovic which is itself a parody of Coolio's "Gangsta's Paradise." The words I used are based on Weird Al's version. The words can be found at www.azlyrics.com/ lyrics/ weirdalyankovic/ amishparadise.html if you take out the spaces (FFnet erases hyperlinks). Aragorn, and everything Lord of the Rings, belongs to the late, great J.R.R. Tolkien. I own nothing here.
Elvish Paradise
As I walk through this valley in a gentle rain
I take a look at myself and realize I'm very plain*
But that's just normal for a human like me
You know I live without any plastic surgery
At 4:30 in the morning I feed my horse
Elladan and Elrohir are there, of course . . . fool
And I've been learning from Elrond so long
That even Lindir wonders if my mind is gone**
I'm a man of the land, thank Elvish discipline
I've got a sword in my hand and stubble on my chin
But if I finish all of my chores and the weather turns sunny
Then tonight we'll have a feast like it was fourteen hundred twenty***
I've been spending most my life living in an Elvish paradise
Annoyed Erestor once or twice living in an Elvish paradise
It's hard work and sacrifice living in an Elvish paradise
But it's really a small price to live in an Elvish paradise
Glorfindel gave me a long lecture last week
I just smiled at him, and didn't give him any cheek
I really don't mind because he teaches well
With a Balrog-slayer, I'm not about to yell
But I ain't never been abused, even if I deserved it
An Elf with that 'tude? You know that's unheard of.*
I never use shampoo, but I got a cool cloak
And my Elf friends agree it's really odd that I smoke . . . fool
If you come to visit you'll be bored to tears
We have no Internet connection and you'll have no peers
But we ain't really quaint, so please don't drool and stare
We're just technologically impaired
There's no phone, no AIM**, no flush toilets
Not a single modern luxury
But we have the things that matter: fun, friends, and family
I've been spending most my life living in an Elvish paradise
We're just plain and simple guys living in an Elvish paradise
On Arwen I set my sights living in an Elvish paradise
We don't roll d20 dice*** living in an Elvish paradise
Joining expeditions, hunting with my brothers
I slew an orc on Monday. Soon I'll slay some others.
Think you're really righteous? Think you're pure in heart?
Well, in the War of the Rings how would you like my part?
I'm the rugged guy you little fangirls want to be with
On my arm, day and night, I tell you that is just not right
So don't be vain, and don't be whiny
Or else, my luster, I might have to get First Age on your heinie
I've been spending most my life living in an Elvish paradise
Lovely stars and peaceful nights living in an Elvish paradise
There are no nasty Barrow-Wights living in an Elvish paradise
But you'd probably think it bites living in an Elvish paradise
A/N: What did you think? See below for explanations of certain items.
* I'm sure Aragorn is handsome and kingly and all that, but surrounded by pointy-eared ethereal beauties, anyone is going to seem plain.
** People might think that a human who spends all his time with Elves is a little strange anyway, and Lindir doesn't seem like the studying type.
*** Shire Reckoning. 1420 was the Year of Plenty.
* I'm not saying that Aragorn or anyone else deserves abuse. This verse is directed mainly at all the Legolas-abuse fics out there, and how no Elf would abuse a child, no matter what. Elrond didn't even slap Aragorn around when he told him he wanted to marry Arwen.
** AOL Instant Messenger
***A 20-sided dice used by Dungeons & Dragons players
