A/N: A three-part dialogue fic with James and Lily as matchmakers. Slash, RLSB. If you don't like it, don't read it.
Disclaimer: If I was JK Rowling, I would not be posting this here. I own nothing.
"Tell me."
"Tell you what?"
"Tell me what's wrong with you."
"Well, my hair is limp today. I ran out of volumizing shampoo."
"Be serious."
"I am Sirius."
"You do know that joke got old seven years ago, right?"
"I can't help it. You always set yourself up for it."
"Yeah, yeah. But what is wrong with you, Pads?"
"Besides my hair's lack of volume, nothing. I'm actually passing every class."
"You would be, with all of that time you've been studying with Moony."
"Yeah, Moony's been a help."
"…"
"…"
"Stop that."
"Stop what?"
"That whole whimsically staring off into space thing."
"'Whimsically'?"
"It was in a novel Lily gave to me."
"You are whipped, Prongs, if she's getting you to read."
"I chased after her for years, and it just now occurs to you that I'm whipped?"
"No, I always knew. I just decided to mention it now."
"Whatever. Now, stop changing the subject."
"What subject?"
"What's wrong with you?"
"Nothing, except for my sadly flat hair. We've already discussed that."
"'What's wrong with you?' is the subject that we got off of!"
"Oh. No need to get exasperated, Prongsy. Same thing, already covered."
"There is something wrong with you, and I know it's not just your hair. It was volumized yesterday, and the day before yesterday, and the day before the day before yesterday, and Merlin knows how many more days before!"
"Breathing, James. It's good for you."
"…"
"I am not giving you CPR."
"You gave Moony CPR last week."
"Of course I gave Moony CPR. I was going to give that expanding chocolate ball to Crabbe, but Moony grabbed it first. I should have known not to leave chocolate out before a full moon. His chocolate addiction rivals a woman's. I couldn't let him die, so I gave him CPR."
"Pads, he wasn't choking! He spit out the chocolate before you got to him!"
"Well, excuse me if I was too concerned about our friend dying to notice that the threat had been removed."
"Relax. No need to be defensive."
"…"
"Sirius?"
"…"
"Oh, come on. And stop trying to avoid this! I know your hair is limp, and now I'm breathing. I'm your best mate. I deserve to know."
"What if I don't want to tell you?"
"Too bloody bad."
"You aren't going to give up, are you?"
"No."
"Fine."
"Well?"
"Okay. What's wrong with me."
"Stop putting it off!"
"Fine."
"…"
"…"
"…and?"
"Okay. It's just…I've been having these…feelings."
"Really specific, Pads."
"I'm getting to it!"
"Fine."
"…"
"Well?"
"I've been having these feelings about…this person."
"And it keeps getting better…"
"Sod off."
"Fine, fine."
"So…these feelings for this person…they've been…different."
"Pads, telling me that you have different feelings for a person isn't specific. Tell me. You need to…'express your feelings to lighten the burden resting heavily upon your unstable shoulders.'"
"Jim, are you reading that off your hand?"
"Yeah. I wrote it down to help convince you to confess. It's from that psychiatry book that Lily gave me in fifth year when she thought that my obsession over her was a mental issue."
"It must be if she's getting you to read novels with the word 'whimsical' in them and A Textbook Guide for Psychos."
"The title was A Textbook Guide for the Mentally Unstable."
"Same thing, bigger words."
"Whatever. Now, release your burden."
"I already told you that I have different feelings for a person. What more do you need?"
"You're not lifting the burden."
"Will you shut it about the burden? My shoulders are very stable, thank you, and unburdened."
"You have a burden! You have a burden!"
"If I tell you, will you stop singing?"
"Possibly."
"That better be a yes."
"It mi-ight beeeeee!"
"Shut it!"
"…"
"…"
"Padfoot?"
"Oh, fine."
"…"
"So…these different feelings I've been having…they've been…really specific. Only-for-one-person-ever specific."
"What exactly do you feel around them?"
"…"
"…"
"I don't know. I just feel…all weird."
"How 'all weird'?"
"You are prying into my personal feelings."
"Have we established that I don't care?"
"By now, yes."
"…"
"So…it's like…like my stomach is all messed up. When they're around. It does these weird things, like flips and somersaults and stuff. Only a bunch of chocolate frogs are jumping around with the somersaults, and I feel like throwing up…but I don't want to because it feels kind of good."
"Sirius, never become a poet. Your similes are awful."
"You wanted me to describe it."
"Well, go on."
"Okay…sometimes my chest…it feels fluttery. But sometimes it starts too…compress."
"Like when you see them with another person?"
"Yeah. When that happens."
"Like how I felt when I saw other guys flirting with Lily?"
"Yeah. I want to physically harm them, like when you hexed Lowe for asking Evans out."
"And when you hexed Porter for teasing Moony about his lack of a love life?"
"The slimy git deserved it."
"Hey, hey! Stop growling! We're having a conversation, and it's impossible for you to be civilized once your animal instincts kick in."
"Fine."
"Calm?"
"Calm."
"So we've established that you have different feelings for a specific person, and that said feelings make you feel like throwing up in a good way, have your heart fluttering, and make you want to disembowel anyone that flirts with them?"
"Good recap, Prongs."
"I thought it was pretty good."
"Now, don't get cocky. Besides, when exactly did I mention my heart feeling fluttery?"
"You said that your chest feels fluttery, and your heart is in your chest."
"Good point."
"I do make many of those."
"Don't let it go to your already swelled head."
"That was Snivellus's fault! He slipped that potion into my pumpkin juice."
"Actually…that was me."
"…"
"Sorry about that."
"I probably deserved it in some way."
"After the way you've been interrogating me, I'd say that you more than deserved it."
"I prefer to call it 'helping'. And since I've already annoyed you and my head is swelled, why don't you finish the feelings confession?"
"I'm not confessing my feelings. I'm just doing this stupid 'burden lifting' to get you off my back."
"Then just finish lifting the burden. You've already done most of it."
"What more do you need?"
"More description and Dr. Prongs may be able to make his diagnosis."
"Diagnosis? What, I start lifting the bloody burden and this becomes a therapy session?"
"Language, Padfoot. Calm down."
"…"
"…"
"Okay. I'm calm, I'm calm."
"Good. Now…"
"Stop with the prompting. I'll go on."
"…"
"…"
"And…"
"…"
"Oh, stop the dirty look. I wouldn't have to prompt you if you would just speak."
"You know I'm not very good at this whole 'feelings' thing. Moony is the only one of us who can manage that."
"Of course."
"Hey, what's with that?"
"What's with what?"
"That smug look!"
"I don't look smug!"
"Yes, you do!"
"How do you know what smug looks like if you're so bad with feelings?"
"I didn't say you felt smug. I said you looked smug. My sight is just fine."
"Okay, so your sight is fine. I guess the real problem is that you're a wimp."
"…"
"Pads, stop looking at me like that."
"Like what?"
"Don't play innocent! You're growling."
"I am not a wimp."
"Sure."
"I am not a wimp."
"Of course."
"I am not a wimp."
"I get it."
"I am not a wimp."
"Getting a little redundant now, Sirius."
"Just because my heart starts beating faster, my palms get sweaty, my mouth gets dry, and my stomach feels like it's been filled with those giant flesh-eating butterflies every time he walks into the room, I feel like a bloody romance novel when he's around, and I would hex anyone into oblivion who hurt him, or flirted with him, or even thought about hurting or flirting with him doesn't mean I'm a wimp!"
"If you weren't a wimp, then you would finally admit that you were in love with Moony and snog him senseless already!"
"…"
"…"
"…"
"G-get o-off of m-me. I c-can't br-breathe."
"How did you know?"
"If you got off my lungs, maybe I could—"
"HOW?"
"Okay, okay. Pads, it was just obvious."
"Does he know? Did you tell him? I'm going to kill you!"
"N-no need for that. He doesn't know. Yet."
"Yet? James Potter, I—"
"I'm not going to tell him."
"Then who else knows? Peter? You told Pete? I'm going to bloody kill him!"
"Not Pete!"
"Then who?"
"…"
"What? I didn't hear that?"
"Lily."
"Lily? You told EVANS?"
"No! She figured it out on her own."
"EVANS figured it out?"
"Why do you say that in disbelief? You know that Lily is about ten times smarter than all of us—'cept Moony, of course. But he's being an idiot now, considering that he hasn't realized that you've been madly in love with him since fifth year."
"…"
"Stop wincing. I'm the one who should be wincing. You are the one on top of me."
"Oh. Sorry about that, mate. Heat of the moment."
"Moment's over. Off."
"…"
"Thank you."
"So…do you really have to say that I'm madly in love with him? It sounds so…"
"Poofy? Well, you are a poof, so you need to get used to it."
"You have such a way with words, Prongs."
"Do we need to refer back to your somersaults, chocolate frogs, and good throwing up analogy?"
"No. I'll pass."
"…"
"So…only you and Evans know about this, right?"
"Uh…not exactly."
"'Not exactly'? What does 'not exactly' mean? How many other people?"
"Well, there's Lily's best mates, Alice and Katherine. Oh, then Frank, of course; you know he's really good with all that touchy-feely stuff. And Gabrielle…oh, and Louis. Martin figured it out, too. And Peter knows, obviously, thanks to The Shower Incident. George and Trina know, and Trina pointed out the signs to Cassie, who mentioned it to John and Bridgette. And you know that it's impossible for Bridgette to keep a secret, so…"
"So every Gryffindor, Hufflepuff, and Ravenclaw knows except for Moony?"
"Actually…there are some Slytherins."
"Kill me now."
"Sorry, I don't think I could handle Azkaban. Lily would break it off."
"How does EVERYONE know?"
"Because you're so obvious."
"How am I obvious?"
"'Remmy, will you help me with my Astronomy homework?'"
"First of all, my voice is not that high pitched. And secondly, why would I ask anyone else for help? You and Pete are just barely passing."
"'Remmy, do you know how good you look in green? It brings out the sage specks in your eyes.' 'Remmy, your hair feels so soft.' 'Remmy, you smell good.' 'Remmy, you look adorable when you whack Jim over the head with rolls of parchment.' 'Remmy, I've suddenly decided that I can't wash my back, even though I've been doing it for the past seventeen years. Will you get into the shower and do it for me?'"
"There was so many things wrong with that. I've never said 'sage' in my life, I said he looked cute when he clobbered you with parchment, I couldn't wash my back because my arm was in a brace, I do not call him 'Remmy' that much, and am I really that obvious?"
"Yeah, Pads. You are."
"Shit."
"You're lucky Moony has chosen to be clueless about it."
"I guess I am."
"Don't worry, though. Luckily for you, Lily is with Moony right now in the common room explaining it all to him."
"I'M GOING TO KILL YOUR BLOODY GIRLFRIEND!"
