So what did Jim actually hear when he was stuck in the apple barrel?


"So, where's Long John?" said a voice.

"I don't know, hey, where did that name come from anyway?" said another.

"You stupid lubbers," said Long John, "It's because of this!"

Jim could only guess what John was holding up and dared not look to make sure. He quivered within his apple barrel for fear of what he would hear more than being found.

"I got this off the coast of Tortuga," said Long John, "It made me very popular with the ladies,"

They all laughed.

"Hey, how did you get it like that?" asked someone, "Mine has never been like that, no matter how hard I try."

"It's all a matter of getting the right balance," said Long John, "and using the right materials for the job. Comfort also plays a key part, equally as protection."

"Oh god, oh god, oh god," thought Jim as he squirmed, trying to get nasty images out of his mind.

"What do you do about your leg, John? Surely you wouldn't be able to get the proper leverage necessary," said a gruff voice.

"Ahh, don't you worry about ol' Long John," he laughed, "I've had years of practice."

"OH GOD, OH GOD, OH GOD!" thought Jim as he tried to stop himself from shaking too much so as not to get caught up in the conversation.

"Why did you make it like that, with two of 'em?" said someone.

"I made it so it can be used by anyone," said John, "So when I move on, it can be recycled as it were. And you never know, I myself may grow another one!"

The pirates laughed heartily.

"Can I try it out now?" said Hands.

"Sure laddy, let me help you with that," said John

Jim heard lots of movements and zips being undone. He put his fingers in his ears but found that too sick and wrong.

"Wow, fits like a charm," said Hands

Wolf whistles were made by some of the pirates and smack was made.

"Easy now, boys," said Long John.

"Hello sailor!" cried someone in the audience.

They all laughed.

And there was a short and (to Jim) disturbed silence.

"Look, no chaffing or anything!" said Hands, "Can you make me some, John?"

"Hey, that's not fair!" said a whiny voice, "If he gets one, I want one!"

The rest of the pirates agreed with this.

"Now, now," said Long John, "If I make you all one, we won't have time for everyone to try 'em out before we get to Treasure Island!"

They all laughed.

This was the final straw for Jim. He screamed and stood up and out of the apple barrel. He screwed his eyes shut to speak to them.

"WILL YOU GUYS LEAVE IT TILL THERE AREN'T KIDS ON BOARD!" he yelled, "YOU'VE SCARRED ME FOR LIFE NOW!"

There was a silence.

Jim slowly opened his eyes and saw the pirates were all looking at him and there was one in the middle wearing pale overalls.

"Long Johns?" stuttered Jim, "You were talking about pyjamas!"

"What did you think we were talking about?" asked John rather cool and collectedly.

Jim sighed, then ran out on deck to throw up.