A/N : Hello all of you! I'm a total Meredith fan, yay! So of course I'm writing about her. Here is why she is so dark and twisty, and lots of explanations. So read and review, please.. It helps me and I think you would like to have reviews. This is set out after the finale ( season 3) and I have angst about how it all ended. I have no idea how Shonda will be able to build up everthing again, but I bow for her, cause she's so good at writing!
And I have angst about George! He didn't pass the test. What is he going to do now?
But most inportant: Lexie GREY!!!!! I hate her. Ok, i haven't seen her side of the story yet but if she threatens MerDer , I will stop seeing. And If they will get to getter I will no longer have faith in Shonda. And this is a sort of MerDer, well ok it is. I don't know if I should continue with this.. It was sopossed to be a 1 capter Mer's POV but it's a little cliff hanger at the end. For thoose who choose to see it. Anyway, enjoy!
Disclaimer : I do not own Grey's Anatomy or any of it's content
Unhealed scars.
"Do you think I want to be this person.. this horrible, black, beaten up person who lets go on life in an atempt to save it?"
Never again will I hear you
Never again will I miss you
Never again will I fall to you
Never...
A photograf with a surrounding steel cool frame had been taken from the usual place, hidden in one Meredith's drawers, and was now glaring right in front of it's owner. The woman on the picture, Ellis Grey, was as hard looking as the frame, with a sterilized expression, holding a small, blond child in a loose grip. The picture had been taken by her husband, Thatcher Grey. It was before he had left, before Meredith and her mothers move to Boston and before Meredith had a first ,mouthfull, taste of loneliness in it's highest grade. The picture had been taken when they were a happy family... Okay she was lying if she said that, with the whole affair her mother had and the long working hours at the hospital, part of it caused by the affair, wich led to her mothers absent. But when her mother hadn't been there, her dad had. He would take her out to buy ice-cream as often as they could, and go visit the zoo too. When Meredith was little, she had a dream to become a zoo-keeper, animal doctor. That dream was cold blooded killed when her father left her and her mother. That ment no more zoo trips, or ice-creams. Really it wasn't the things she missed, it was her father. The worst part of it all must have been the way her mother had acted afterwards. All though Meredith was still a small child, she could almost feel a sensation of releif from her. As for Meredith self, she was devestated. She couldn't understand why her dad had left her. That was the first scar that's ingraved in her soul, stubburn not to heal, still hadn't healed.
She don't run from the sun no more
She boxed her Shadow and she won Said,
"I can see you laugh through these bottle caps
And this wire around my neck ain't there for fun
"You let him walk. You were glad not to see his accusing face everytime you got home from the hospital. Because you knew he knew, because you knew you were to reck a whole marriage without having any guilt about it. The problem was, you hadn't thought about me, any of you. That was the first time I had felt invisable, unwanted and helpless. So from there, everything had started to fall on you. Big pieces of hurt rained down on your head, threatening to make you fall on the ground. The one man you truly loved had turned his back on you, cowerdly, he had run back to his wife, leaving you to ride the one mans carousel. You were forced to stuck with your daughter that you barely knew, you couldn't just leave her, think about your reputation, no! Instead you moved away, fled from your former life, hoping to turn a new chapter. But you had no clue in how to raise a child, truthfully, women like you shouldn't have kids, so you hid in your work, the big love of your life. Hey, that's what babysitters for right? All thoose nights I spent alone, not that it was a problem once I got used to it, while you where digging your own grave by working non-stop. I had come to visit you once or twice, wich proves how desperate I was for your agnolishment. In avoidence, you deserve a goldmedal, I learned from the best. "
Because of you I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you I learned to play on the safe side
So I don't get hurt
Because of you I find it hard to trust
Not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you I am afraid
Meredith sighs to herself as she stops talking, feeling silly as she is talking to a photo."Oh god, I'm turning crazy" she thinks to herself. She is acctually talking to the woman in the photo, saying all the things she wishes she had but just couldn't. And in her mind, she imagines her mother listening, from "the other side, sort of speaking".
The day had taken its toll on Meredith, every inch in her body screamed for rest. Not like she had run a marathon or something, more of a psychic exhaustion. Once again, her dreams have been destroid, ruined and wiped cleen from her head in a secound.
" Damn!" She had been very carefull not to make dreams, get hopes and expectation. Once again she had been broken. An end of a chapter, the next completely blank, half ripped and burned at the edges. But now, she wasn't alone about it. In one day, Cristina had also been broken, probably more then herself seeing as Meredith had experience.
" How sad that sound really", she thinks to herself. "I don't want to have experience, I want to be able to brake down without having to go through any barriers or climb any protecting walls. I want to be able to be vulnurable and open. I want to be able to be free...!"
I let myself fall
I let myself fall
I let myself fall
In love with you
Snapping back to reality, she had to think of her person. The one you have an unwritten law to look after no matter how crappy you might feel. Dialing the number to Cristina's, and former Burke's, appartment she wondered what Cristina might be dooing. Seeing it was early at night, and she knew Cristina wasn't sleeping, she considered the possibility of Cristina returning to work. In one word, surgeon, you could describe Cristina. She lived for the surgeries, no that would not describe it, she embolished it with her heart and soul. But the maximum eighty hours shift forced her to go home, sleep and well... nothing else. A surgery addict we call it.
2 AM and she calls me cause I'm still awake
Can you help me unravel my latest mistake?
I don't love him, winter just wasn't my season.
Yeah we walk through the doors so accusing their eyes
Like they have any right at all to criticize Hypocrites, you're all here for the very same reason.
"Erm, hello?" A thick voice full of sleep wispers in the other end of the phone and Meredith suddenly feel bad for disturbing her. Maybe Cristinas way of handeling this was to sleep, and not to lay awake, thinking about everything unbearable.
"Cristina, it's Meredith, how are you?"
"Oh..(sniffles) I was fine, sleeping actually, until some crazy lady woke me up in the middle of the night for no aparent reason. And you?"
Meredith smiles when she hears Cristinas normal sarcastic tone. Taking time deciding how to answer ,Cristina with no pattience and a creepy way of guessing thinks, as usual, goes again saying: "Oh,... now I know why you called, you wan't to talk about all of this, and of course, the favorite subject : Derek." Her jokely tone stays on.
"Yeah well if you want to get back to sleep, ignoring the crazy lady, fine by me."
"Nah, I've been sleeping for a while anyway and since I'm not alowed to be at the hospital tomorrow, I might as well waste some time helping my dear friend with all her guy problems. Poor little Meredith who gets all the guys."
Cristina was careful to avoid the terms of why she wasn't alowed to work tomorrow, mainly because tomorrow should have been her honeymoon, and jokes on instead. Meredith hears that and respectfully agrees in their silent understanding about not talking of Burke or the called off wedding.
"Okay, so I broke of with Derek. And..."
" And you feel like crap because you let that happen..God Meredith, you should really get a life."
"Hey no judgements, remember?"
"Sorry, I will behave, go on..."
"Well, I don't know.. He said he loved me, so much that he couldn't walk away. He said that I should put him out of his missery. I mean, this was what I feared all along. He gets hurt beeing around me, everyone gets hurt beeing around me..." The last words she mutteres under her breath and have a flashback..
So I try to hold on
On to a time when nothing mattered
And I can't explain what happened
And I can't erase the things that I've done
flashback:
"Meredith?"
"I'm... I'm so sorry.. We did everything we could but..."
"Oh god no! Not her! She was everything to me, EVERYTHING!"
Thatcher raise his hand and hits Meredith hard in the face. But she couldn't feel anything, she had numbed. She had destoid her father's life, Susan had died in her care. It was her fault.
end of flashback
"Oh come on! Did he say that, uh, he's so... I could just... Should I talk to him?"
"No! Cristina, that won't solve anything..." Meredith hurry to answer. In Cristina's condition, she would probably kill him, boss or not.
" Meredith, I know that you think your dark and twisty, and I'm not saying you are wrong about it. But have you ever thought that you hide in that, blames it when something goes wrong and runs like hell away from everyone so they don't get hurt, or you?" There was a long silent in the phone as Meredith let the words sink in.
"I didn't know you could be so deep sometimes, huh."
"Thanks for that and I blame that on the excessive amont of boring tv I've had today, involving Dr.Phil, and by the way, if you ever tell any one about that..."
" I know, I'm dead, sliced up by a scalpel and hung up in a tree."
"Good." Meredith could hear a smirk in Cristina's voice. Avoiding the rule she says :
"Cristina, do you think you and Burke will get another chance?"
There followed a silence, Meredith almost thought Cristina had hung up on her when she answered :
"I don't know, I don't even know where he is. He said that I changed, truth was, I felt it myself. So how can I be with him, and still be me? I admit it, I love him. But is it worth the effort?" That was more of a question to herself, and it hit Meredith, suddenly she knew what to do.
"I don't now the answer to that 'cause it's something you have to figure out for your self, but one thing I do know. I have somewhere I have to be."
Well, it's been almost a year to the moment
When I finally realized it was over
And I knew that love wasn't good enough
Of a reason for me to stay
Cristina grunts in responce and they say goodbye. Meredith change clothes, from sweatpants to her best pair of jeans and her favourite black sweater. She freshens up on her make-up and gets her carkeys. She's going out for a drive.
You'll be the road,
Rollin' below
The wheels of a car.
All of your thoughts are...
The rain is throbbing down on the city, you almost thought it was flushing away the land. In the moment of hurry, Meredith forgets her umbrella and runs as fast as she can to the car. Of course, the lock is sopossed to be stubburn and won't open until the fourth try. Allthough she's fast inside her car, she's compleatly soaked. The smell of damp and metallic rain fills the air in the small car.
"God I love the rain." she thinks to herself. That was one of the thing she missed the most when the moved. Allthough it rained in Boston too, there were no conparement to Seattle's rain. As a child, she could stand for hours outside, feeling the cool drops on her skin. With the rain came many new games such as saving the tiny worms from beeing drowned in the rain. All ready back there, it had been clear to the seeing eye Meredith would become a doctor as her mother. Though Meredith's mother didn't approve at all, and that was probably the fun of it, she had choose The Medical program after highschool, and found herself in the course of it.
It's pouring rain
It's pouring rain
Rain drops keep falling on my head
The drive wasn't long, it was a well known drive. It's hard to barely see the ground in the rain. If she hadn't walked this path so many times before, she would've fallen. But she was focused, and knew exactly what she were to do. The small lamp hanging on the trailers roof gives some more light as she steps on the porch. The trailer is lit inside so Derek is probably awake. Of old habbit, Meredith grabs the dorrknob and push it down when she remebered the last time she had done that, the time she'd met Nancy, Derek's bitchy sister. So instead of going in, she knocks on the door. The nerves settles in here stomach as she thinks about what she's just about to say. "Here goes nothing." she thinks before the door opens to reveal Derek. He looks as tired as ever, she could have svore he'd cry. He was still waring his shirt and pants since the wedding. But even though he looked like, as Cristina would've said, crap, he was as gorgeos as ever, with that hurt look in his face that all the girl would fall for.
"Hi." She said short, nervously and surpressed the urge to bite her lower lip.
"Hello Mer." The hurt in his vioce shot daggers through Meredtih and she could feel her legs bend. He looked truly surprised to see her here. "He thought I'd never come back." she thought to herself and mentally kicked herself for being such a jerk. A chilly wind blows through and Meredith trembles from the cold and wet clothes she's wearing. Derek see this too.
"Your freezing" he establish and makes a gesture for her to come in.
"Yeah, It's raining" She informs and thanks him when she steps in the small but comfterable warm trailer. She sits down on one of the kitchenchairs, Derek sits heavily down opposite to her. As he stares at her she exhailes the air she'd been holding.
"I have something I want to say, so if you would just please listen to me. You don't have to say anything, or do anything or anything. I'm going to tell you what I have to say and then I can go..." She starts to ramble but slows down and her hands in her fists. Nervously she awaits for his answer.
"Why would he want to hear me talk? He offered everything to me and I broke it off, I broke down him. He will probably tell me to go. But I really need to say this." She looks up at Derek and sees that he'd been looking at her, considering what to do. They lock eyes for a secound before Derek brakes by looking away. Meredith prepares herself to go when he says:
" Okay. You can say what you want. But I just... I thought we have broken up. I don't think there is anything left to say."
A feeling of releif runs to her body and in her head a voice says :" Take the chance. Be free."
Outloud she says: "I have many scars. Because I'm dark and twisty. Dark and Twisty people don't deserve happieness, or at least that's what I've always thought. But I realise, that I've been hiding behind it. If I don't have dreams then I won't loose them. That was my philosophy. But I realise that it doesn't work that way. I don't want to be alone, having all of this barriers and protecting walls around me. I don't want having regrets how I've lived my life. I don't want to loose the love of my life, the person who probably could know me more then anyone. The person who has left me before, but have come back. The person I feel so strong for that it's making me mad. The person who fills me up, the one and only who completes me. And I've had him and been happy, but my walls has still been on. I don't want to hurt anyone the way I seem to do. I don't want you, the other part of me, get hurt. I don't want to ruin you like my mother did with my father. The day I fell in, I fought at first, thinking about you made me strong enough to arise from the dark water. They say that one's life passes review when your dying. And I saw my life, the water oppened all my unhealed scars and I bled. Even then I thought of you, how you were to be better of without me, the slutty intern who was stopping you from beeing chief, the person who made your life a lot harder. You didn't deserve it. So I choose the cowerd way, I fled back into the dark. The world would be a better place without me. But subconcious, it hurt as hell when I thought about you. I knew I was letting everybody down when I choose to stop fighting. Then I got a secound chance, and I'm grateful. But since then I've followed everyone else stories, so I didn't do wrong in the time I've gotten. But I continued to do wrong, I killed Susan and ruined my father's life. And instead of going to you, I fled to my friends. I was afraid of how you judged me, the messed up girl with such a crappy life that you would leave me. Cause I saw how my mother got to you, she has a talent in doing so. I laid my problems on my friends in away to protect you. And once again, I failed. So here I am, taking the consequence of my actions for the first time instead of running away. You of all people deserves an explanation."
You see the smile that's on my mouth
It's hiding the words that don't come out
And all of my friends who think that I'm blessed
They don't know my head is a mess
No, they don't know who I really am
And they don't know what I've been through like you do
And I was made for you
All of these lines across my face
Tell you the story of who I am
So many stories of where I've been
And how I got to where I am
But these stories don't mean anything
When you've got no one to tell them to It's true...
I was made for you
Meredith inhailed to get some fresh air, the room was full of stinking sorrow and hurt. She had stopped looking at Derek when she talked, as it was to hard for her to open up. But she was also proud of herself, she had grown up. But she knew that Derek was still in pain, after all, she felt the same. So to release him from anymore torture long speaches, she stood up and made a leap to go when she felt a warm hand on her arm. She closed her eyes and saved the feeling of his touch in her mind, so that she could remeber when she was lying in her cold bed alone , or seeing him at the hospital.
"God, this is going to hurt." she thought to herself and felt the pain of the torn out piece in her heart. All the days she was going to see him, knowing she was no longer his. Never feeling his skin on hers again. Never falling a sleep with him cuddeling near. Never feeling his hands in hers. She had been dead before, actually dead, but this felt more like dying then anything she'd ever felt.
When you're gone
The pieces of my heart are missing you
When you're gone
The face I came to know is missing too
When you're gone
The words I need to hear to always get me through the day
And make it okay
I miss you
"I'm sorry. For hurting you. For dying on you. For letting you down." She wispers as she look up at him, tears glistening in the corner of her eyes. She expect to find only his eyes hurt, but there was a sort of calm. She isn't sure but it almost look like a bit of happieness hidden there too. Yes, she could see it. A warm feeling spread in her stomach, she also feel calm. This was enough. If they weren't together, she would always see him anyway, see all of the things she loved about him, the smile that was once cocky and full of confidence had become more deep and softened a bit, his tangled hair, his smell.
"Thank you, for saying all of that. I've been waiting for this a long time. I will always love you, but it takes to in a relationship. And yes you hurt me, when you gave up. But I've hurt you too, when I left. We've hurt each other both of us, but we've come back. Remember; even when you yell or I yell, I will always come back."
She suddenly didn't feel for the drive home, not yet. This was one of thoose moments she had to remember. The rain hadn't stopped either, almost to say : Stay, make things right. So she sat back down and sighed. The scars seemed to slowely heal in his presence.
When I'm with you
You take my pain away
Heal my scars
Make my day
Without you
I will brake
Fall down
Drown in the lake
So stay with me
and heal my scars
"When did we become like this? I remember a cocky attending who persisted in dating me. A man who had suvived his wifes affair, and wore his good looking redshirt at the bar. Life seemed to be a lot easier back then. What happened? "
"We got older, we learned. One year in Seattle is more to remember then eleven married years in New York. And that's a big city! I blame it on the rain, it ages you. It's not natural to rain this much. "
Derek's voice was light and Meredith relaxed. It was a long time ago since they had one of theese light converations. All of the other seemed forgotten, flushed away in the rain. This was Meredith's best choice since Medschool, to open up. She finally realised what a relationship ment, not just the physical like the hand holding or the sex, the mental like talking and comfort each other.
"I kind of like though, there's a lot you could do in the rain."
"Oh yeah, like what?" he teased.
"Um.. running, get wet, playing ocean in the waterpools." She grinned. " Besides, it's real cosy hearing the water pat the roof. When I was a kid, my nanny said it was god's angels who came down to visit the humans. I always thought that angels have big feet because they made so much noise."
At that comment Derek chuckled and Meredith joined him, drowning the sound of the rain. As they stopped, they looked in a daised at each other.
" It was a long time since we were this happy." established Meredith.
" Yeah" said Derek still looking at her
Suddenly her phone ringed and terminated the silence. It was Izzie, but she clicked the call away.
"So... I should probably be heading home right now, seeing as both of us got work to do in the morning."
"Yes, you probably should. " Derek said but didn't brake the eye contact. Either of them moved from their places, just sitting, staring at each other's eyes. Both wanting to hold on to the moment.
"I'll go now." Thoose words had been used recently but in another scene. Like the last time, it was a little sad, not knowing if she'd be here again. Derek followed her to the door but didn't open it. Every atoms in their bodies screamed for each other. The hall was small, just about big enogh for to people standing next to each other, barely. So when Meredith opens the door to step out, she brushes past Derek, wich was unberable for both of them. Derek grabs Meredith in a hungery way and kisses her with all the love he has. Meredith does the same, the most meaningfull kiss they've shared. Sadness strikes them, thinking about never feeling each others lips again, never going to have kisses like this with anyone else. As they brake off and Meredith steps out of the trailor, tears are running down her cheeks. She wouldn't want anything else then to be with Derek again, to make her his. But Derek smiles, full of cocky and confidence.
" See you tomorow!" Meredith see the promise in his eyes.
"Yeah, tomorow." Tomorow will be a new day, and it will inclued Derek. And she will do everything in her power to make him hers. They will be Meredith and Derek again. They had never really stopped.
Tomorow's a new day.
A new day with you .
Tomorow's a new day.
A new day with us.
