a/n: ok, so i'm starting over again. this time i'm staying true to the season 3 plot, because that's what i had in mind when i wrote "look after you". i think the first three or four chapters are going to be the defining points in season 3 for addex (the kiss, the sleeping together, the church). i don't know if i'm actually going to write out addison in l.a. it seems kind of tedious, but i guess you'll find out.
this story's musical inspiration for titles is regina spektor's Begin to Hope even though it's a very strange and wonderful album that has been of no use to this story at all. i just like the titles of the songs.
oh, and i just want you to know, the dialogue in the supply closet scene is completely accurate. i know this because i got season 3 for christmas and so i broke my happy bubble of denial (i stopped watching after six days) and went and wrote exactly what was said down. which broke my poor addex heart. so be very thankful that i love you all so much that i was willing to be disillusioned and sad for you.
and now, after quite possibly the longest author's note ever... the disclaimer. then the story, i swear.
disclaimer: i'm working on saving up to buy them from shonda, but i kind of just blew that by going and spending ninety dollars at borders in one trip.
I am an idiot. Quite possibly the biggest idiot that ever lived. Because not only did I have to go and sleep with Mark again, I had to go and kiss Alex Karev. What was I thinking? I mean, seriously? Alex Karev? I don't even feel that way about him. Not really, anyways. I mean, yeah, he's gorgeous. He's beyond gorgeous, off in a category of his own. But he's annoying. And an intern and… and… and that's just simply unacceptable.
Besides, he's a decent guy, and he shouldn't have to be dragged into my strange, twisted, and depressing world. Even if he wants to be, he shouldn't. Not that he really does. Yeah, he kissed me back, but what was he supposed to do? Push me away? I'm his boss! There's no way he actually wanted to kiss me. No one that hot and that decent would want to. Simply because I'm not that lucky. All I do is attract jerks. That's me, the jerk magnet.
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She kissed me. Addison Forbes Montgomery kissed me and I liked it. I'm not going to lie, I did. I didn't plan on it happening, that's true. That was all her. But I didn't pull back. Didn't want to pull back. That was her too. Because I didn't. At first I thought about it, but she's my boss, so I didn't. Then I realized what a good kisser she is, so I didn't. I've never been kissed like that before, not really. I don't. It was sweet. But now I'm all confused and that really sucks.
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You know, this is really kind of Derek and Mark and Meredith's fault. Because if Mark hadn't slept with me, then Derek would never have come to Seattle and met Meredith. And I never would have followed him, and they never would have slept together and Derek and I would be divorced, or we would be, but in New York. Which would mean that I never would have met Alex and wouldn't be in this mess at all. Can you tell that I'm looking for a scapegoat?
And you know what else? This wouldn't be nearly as difficult if he wasn't a thoroughly enjoyable kisser. Because then I wouldn't have to worry about why I enjoyed it so much and why I enjoyed kissing him more than I ever enjoyed kissing Mark or Derek. I didn't just say that. Because it's not true. It's not!
I don't even know why I did it. He just looked so sad. And thoroughly kissable. Like the candy. Ha, that's funny. Okay, not so much, but you know what? I don't care. Plus, I had been drinking. Which we all know leads to bad decisions on my part (are any transcontinental booty calls ringing a bell?). I just… I felt like it was the right thing to do. Which I was clearly wrong about. I don't think I've been this stressed over something since I slept with Mark and Derek caught us. Not even about the panties. Or the divorce. Can anyone tell me what that means?
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She's going to avoid me. I know it. She's an avoider. But I'm not going to let her. She's going to talk to me, whether or not she wants to. She's not getting away with this, not this time.
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I manage to avoid Alex for a week, until he sees me in the hallway one morning. "Hey," he says. Casually, as if nothing happened!
"Oh, Dr. Karev," I say. Professional, professional, professional.
"What's up?" he asks.
"Oh, um, nothing."
"You've been avoiding me all week," he says. Oh crap, he noticed.
"Avoiding you? No, I haven't." Deny, deny, deny.
"So you're good?" he asks. What kind of question is that?
"Yeah, I'm good. I'm all… good," I answer. Could I be any less articulate? But that's not because he's around me. It's because I'm flustered with the question. Yeah, that's it.
"Good."
"Yeah, good. Well, bye."
I avoid him all day after that. I don't feel good about it, but I do it anyways. And then he yells in the middle of the hallway. The hallway! "When you get a minute, I'd like to talk to you about the kissing." Ugh. How embarrassing. Is it any wonder I run? I don't think so. You'd do the same thing. And if he thinks that that's any way to get me to talk to him, well, he needs to learn a little more about me. Not that I want him to.
I'm walking down the hallway, pretending to scan a chart, but really just looking out for Alex. I'm so intent on the hallway in front of me that I don't see him round the corner. I don't even notice him until he grabs my elbow. "Dr. Montgomery," he says as he drags me along into a supply closet.
"What? Karev? I don't-"
"You kissed me, right? You kissed me and ever since, you've been avoiding me."
"Alex," I sigh, hoping to cut him off. No such luck.
"No, you've been avoiding me because you just expect that I want you. You just expect that everyone you look at sideways is pining after you, right?" What is he talking about? "Has it even occurred to you that maybe I'm not interested?"
I want to tell him that yes; it has occurred to me, but all that I ask is, "You're not interested?" like some complete idiot.
"You think I want to be just another intern sleeping with an attending?" Ow.
There are so many things I want to say right now, so many words I want to yell at him. What I come up with is, "But you kissed me back…" Seriously? You'd think I'd be better. Usually I'm better. Especially with cocky guys that mean next to nothing to me.
"You're my boss," he replies. "I mean, what'd you expect me to do? Look, Sloan's had me changing bandages all day and I would way rather be scrubbing in on one of your surgeries and if you keep avoiding me, I don't get to scrub in. So stop avoiding me," he orders. "It happened, but it doesn't have to happen again."
You know, he's right. It doesn't have to happen again, and it won't. "All right," I say. I wish I could ban him from my surgeries, send him back to Sloan, but that would show him just how much he affected me. I mean, it would make it look like he affected me. Because he didn't actually. Not really.
"All right," he agrees and leaves, leaving me quite literally speechless.
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That didn't go exactly like I wanted it to. As I walk away, I get the incredible urge to go back to the supply closet and explain myself. Because most of it was a big, fat lie. Or the truth in some very twisted way. Like the pining thing. While not every guy she looks sideways at is pining after, I might be. A little bit. But don't tell anyone that. And I don't just want to just be sleeping with her. Which, by the way, scares the shit out of me. Because the last time I wanted more, I got left for a nearly dead guy who ended up dying anyways. Not that I have anything against Izzie or Denny, but still.
But, now, there's no going back. Anyways, by now, she's probably pissed and on the warpath. No use talking to her now.
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I stay in the supply closet for a couple minutes, just staring. I thought… I thought… I don't even know what I thought, but that was not the response I thought I'd get. Not that I really care, since I don't really care about him anyways. But ow. Just… ow. Whatever. I'll live. Since I really didn't and don't care about him, I don't think it'll be hard to move on. Not that there's anything to move on from in the first place. But still. You know what I mean. Actually, you probably don't. But that's okay. I don't either.
yay, chapter 1: 2.0! sorry about the whole starting a story then deciding i hated it thing. this one should go much smoother.
i know i haven't done anything to deserve them, but want to review anyways?
-Lauren
