Every year I need to stop. Every year, I go back to a time of my life when I was a stranger. I remember feeling rebellious and out of place. I remember the passion of a horrible mistake. I fixed my first mistake, but left regrets in my wake. I became the heroine I had always dreamed of being, by becoming his challenger and villain in my own right.
My feelings of that time are as fresh today as they were all those years ago. It began the moment Toby's cries vanished. I made a wish that should not have been made, though I was sure it would never be granted. At the moment, I knew my hasty words had not fallen on deaf ears. The fear clenched my stomach while regret plagued my heart. It seemed as though the whole world stopped and watched as I discovered the unmentionable. I was mocked for my heated moment of immaturity, though I deserved it. I feared what they would do to Toby, should I let my mistake continue on.
He came, in all his glittering glory, with his mocking smile and curious nature. I felt like a mouse facing the cat. He issued the challenge. I met it with youthful vigor and adult fear. I was attracted and repulsed at the same time. His land was full of wonder, but I knew that one wrong move could result in my own demise, and the end to any future for Toby. I hoped that he never knew my fears, though I sometimes wonder if they were as plain to him as they were to me. It seemed endless and instantaneous all at once.
I can still sense the magic all around me. My shoes crunched the dirt and softly clipped on the stones. The steamy smell of the forest, and the intensity of the bog still cause my stomach to react. The must feeling of the oubliette can still cling to my skin. But most of all, I can still feel him. I can feel the mockery of our first moments and the safety of his arms in my dream. I can still feel the raw power of Him, and the marvel of his control. While this stays with me every day, today it is the strongest.
I still see the others I met along that strange journey. We visit and laugh within his shadow, though he is not mentioned or present. Now my curiosity begs for recognition. Do I haunt him, as he haunts me?
