I actually want to thank someone who reviewed my story for giving me this idea. Even if they did epically hate hate my Twilight crack and assume something about me that is TOTALLY WRONG, it was still actually a funny review. They didn't sign it though. But I respect their point of view, because I know that not everyone is going to like a story.
But for the record, my happiness is the highest it's ever been and is no concern of yours, so SUCK ON THAT, BITCH!
My most favorite review however was LadyEmjazz for giving me a gold star. And an A+. And a cookie.
I also love anyone else who reviewed! You made me happy!
Disclaimer: I own nothing. Stories belong to the amazing J.K Rowling.
Warning: Epic crack ensues. Common side effects are laughing, hiccuping, yawning, exhaustion, and breaking out into random dance moves. If you have brain trauma or bladder problems, please click the back button.
Still here???
GREAT!
Once upon a time, in a small town in England with a weird English name (that REALLY should be French, I mean, c'mon, Privet Drive? It's pronounced PRIVY! French make T's silent.) there was an obscenely old man, with a long purple dress and a tall pointy hat. With a beard. Along with him was another old-yet-not-as-obscenely-old-as-the-other-dude woman dressed in long green... robe... things... and a pointy hat. With spectacles. (Because spectacles are an epic win on old people.)
Some few seconds later, a large motorcycle came flying down from the sky. Don't ask how no muggles saw it. (They probably thought they were drunk or somethin'...) On the motorcycle was an OMGEPICHUGE man with more hair than big foot, and he was carrying a small basket, which seemed to be the only thing NORMAL in this picture.
"Come Hagrid, we must now leave him with his only relatives we know, even though Sirius is his godfather, and put him in the hands of these abusive muggles so he may live in semi-peace!" The old man said. Hagrid, the epic huge man, gave the small basket to the old man with a sniffle-sneeze.
"There. Goodbye, Harry whatever-the-hell-your-middle-name-is Potter." The old man smiled and set the basket on the steps, ringing the door bell.
SOME 12 YEARS IN HELL LATER, we revisit the child Harry Potter. He is currently sleeping in his.... cupboard... thing... And is about to be waken up by his cousin! Let us observe...
Dudley, a a large, fat slob of a pigI MEAN BOY..... comes running down the stairs!
And I wont go into what else happens because, let's face it, that shits boring. WE want to see when Harry gets into HOGWARTS! Because that's when the GOOD shit happens.
So, Harry goes to Hogwarts, which is this huge Gothic-looking school for witches and wizards and centaurs and vampires and elves and goblins and giants and and and.... hippogriffs and... Wizards and shit!
Harry goes up in front of every single witch and wizard he's going to have to live with for the next seven years, just so the old woman from before, known as McGonagall, can put a point hat on him.
"This is it?" Harry asks in his high-pitch, girly, pre-pubescent voice. Suddenly the hat speaks, because everything in the HP world is just fucked up like that. The house talks to itself for a bit, about what, god only knows, before yelling.
"GRIFFENDOR BITCHES!" (Oh yeah, It's a gangster hat.)
Harry goes over to the long red table, where he will be sitting for the next SEVEN YEARS. He's there with his BFF Ron, who's got some red hair and lots of freckles and has like, a million other brothers, and Hermione, a brainy little know-it-all who pisses everyone off with her vast, useless knowledge. There's also Neville, an adorable little plant-nerd who is a magnet for danger.
So, in Harry's first year, all goes well until he meet's a weird professor who looks like he's trying to be ARABIC with his damn turban. He also has a stuttering problem and smells funny. Anyway, so Professor Quirell (rhymes with Squirrel) was the DADA teacher, and Snap was the Dark Arts teacher.
'Snap looked like he could use a nice long bubble bath', Harry decides one day. Because, really, who doesn't like a good bubble bath?
ANYWAY, so The year goes on, And Harry hears some crazy ass English names (Draco. Hermione. Neville. Severus. I really could go on for a while with this.) and decides that Whoever thought up the names in the English language was high on crack. On his adventures through Hogwarts (skipping merrily through the halls, humming 'joy to the world' while swinging his books. Imagine it, really.) he runs into a huge dog with three heads named Fluffy. Who tries to eat him. (Fluffy doesn't get much good food these days, and first-years taste the best!)
Afterwords, Harry decides that Fluffy was simply protecting something, not trying to eat him! It was only logical! (in the mind of Harry Potter ONLY.) And decided to get Ron and Hermione in on it, because come on, it isn't an adventure without your BFF's.
Eventually, they decide to go to the Fluffy, to find him sleeping be some weird spell put on a harp that seemed to magically appear out of no where. So they decided to try and find a trap door, and BEHOLD, what did they find? Ron covered in dog slobber and man eating plants.
They somehow make it into this weird place with this GIANT chess set because wizard chess just fucking rocks like that. So they play some chess, but since the set is big, they need to be the characters themselves instead of just going back and going to bed like good little first-years. So they destroy the opposing force (the black side, I believe) and Harry continues of his jolly way down the dungeon to find Quirell, in all his quirky, Arabic-wannabe goodness! So Harry's like "Oh, professor, what a coincidence that you would be randomly down here with the mirror I saw before that shows you what you want!" and just basically gives the mirror away.
So then Quirell's all like "Give me the stooooone!" And he's reaching out with his freaky hand. "What stone? OH, THAAAT stone! Right, that one! …... Sorry mate, I don't have it." Harry responds casually.
So Quirell get's all pissed off and takes off his turban to reveal...
HIS BALDNESS!!!!!!!
"NO, THE BALDNESS, IT BLINDS ME!" Harry yells and shields his eyes. So Quirell's all like "-.- INCOLENT FOOOOL!!!!" and turns around to show another face on the back of his head, where his hair SHOULD be.
So Harry's like "OH NOES ITS VOLDYMORT!" and Voldemort ('s face) is like "MWAHAHAHAHA I LIIIIVE!!! NOW GIVETH ME THE STOOOOONE!!!!"
So an Epic battle begins, and turns out that Harry does have the stone, so he's like "OOOOH, Whoops. Sorry." and shit and he uses the stone to turn Voldemort and Quirell into stone MUSH before ANYONE comes which is a LONG time because these old people don't move like they used to.
"Congratulations Ben!"
"Harry, Sir."
"Harry! You saved Hoggywarts from the evil clutches of Volde-wart, and we are once again saved!" Dumbledore announces. Harry smiled widely. "Thank you sir!" he responds.
".... For what?" Dumbledore looks around curiously. "Are we in the underground railroad?" he asks.
"No, you old fool! We're in HOGWARTS! Your SCHOOL." McGonagall replies.
"Oh yes... Could do with a bit more decorating down this way... Or a pub..." Dumbledore mumbles.
McGonagall face-palms and ALL IS SAVED IN HOGGYWARTS ONCE AGAIN!
DUN DUN DUN DUUUUUN!!!!!!!
LOL I LOVED MAKING DUMBLEDORE SEEM ALL FORGETFUL AND OLD!
This one was interesting... Very interesting...
