Disclaimer: I don't own any of the HSM characters. I do however own Aya!

Chapter 1

My mom gave me this diary for my 15th birthday. She said that I should be writing down my feelings, since I haven't talked to her since Dad died. I just finished a Melody Carlson book and decided it might be a good idea to start writing in it. It seemed to help the girl in the story. The girl in the story had many skeletons in her closet just like me. I would never tell anyone though. They might feel sorry for me. Its hard to make myself write it down. I don't think I'm ready just yet. The girl in the story wrote such good poems and songs. I wish I was that good at expressing my feelings. But no– I happen to have trouble with that. I tend to keep my feelings bottled up.

I went over to Taylor's house today. I didn't call before I went though. Bad mistake. She was making out with Chad on the couch. I should have called. They have been going out since the decathlon and the basketball championships. Boy was that a night. Taylor was kind of upset with me for walking in on her like that.

Taylor's mom answered the door when I got there. "Tay's up in her room." she said when she saw me. Ever since I moved here, Taylor and I have been really close. I took the stairs two at a time to tell her the good news. Troy had finally called me! When I opened the door I saw them. Making out. On the couch. His hand under her shirt. Eww. I was stunned. I couldn't move.

"Gabi!" Taylor shouted when she noticed I was standing there.

"Sorry." was all I could say. Chad rolled off of her and onto the floor.

"Gabi, You could have knocked!" She was outraged. I just wanted to disappear.

"I'm really sorry Tay. I should have called." I turned around to go back home.

"Ya think?" Taylor shouted after me. I was halfway down the hall by now though.

"Relax. It wasn't her fault. She didn't know." I heard Chad calming Taylor down. I felt really good to know I had a friend like him to stick up for me when my best friend was flipping. "She'll call you!" Chad called to me. I heard him say ouch. I guessed Tay had hit him. I just wanted to get out of there. When I got out of that house I ran all the way home.

I didn't even get to tell her Troy called. I really really like Troy, but we aren't dating. He doesn't even like me. At least I don't think. I hope that next time he calls he'll ask me out. That would be so great!

My mom just ran up here. Aya needs to go to the hospital again. They will probably need me to. You see Aya's my twin. She was diagnosed with acute promyelocytic leukemia or APL when we were 3. The doctors said she'd only live til about ten, but with my help she's still just barely alive today. They took bone marrow from me when we were 4 and put it into her. She went into remission for four years but then the cancer came back stronger. Since then, I have under gone several procedures to help her, because I'm a matched donor. With Aya everyday is a battle. Her kidneys are failing now, and they want me to give her one of mine. I can't do it. I love Aya with all my heart, but I just can't. There's only a fifty percent chance of her surviving the surgery. And after that only God knows what. I'm sitting her crying. I've never told anyone this. Not even Aya or my mom. Only our family knows about Aya's APL and I'd never tell any of my friends. I wouldn't want them to feel sorry for me. I feel so much better now that I put that all into words. I understand now why so many girls have diaries and journals.

Later.

I just got back from the hospital. Aya needs the kidney really soon or she's going to die.

I feel so terrible. I can't give it to her. I don't want to tell her that either. Or my mom. I spent some time alone with her in her room before we left. Tears are falling on the paper. She asked me to kill her. She said that Mom and I would have less troubles and she's gonna die soon any way. I could tell that she had thought about this for a while now.

"No, Aya." I told her. I was bawling.

"Gabi, you don't understand! You just don't get it do you! You don't know how it is to live like this. Being sick all the time and never not hurting. I feel so much pain right now, I'd be happy dying. I just can't do it myself."

"You're right. I don't understand. You don't deserve this. I agree, but you can't kill yourself. I can't kill you."

"Then don't give me the kidney." she said solemnly.

"I love you Aya. I don't know what to do. I just love you so much."

"Gabriella, I love you more than anyone else in the world. I need you now. I need you Gabi. I'm scared. I know I'm going to die soon, and I'm scared. Real scared."

"You know what Aya? I am too." I told her and hugged her tight. I could feel the tube sticking out of her breast bone poking me. I didn't bother to adjust though. I just wanted to hold her forever. Just like this. Is that too much to ask?

"We need to go home now, Gabi. You can see Aya after school tomorrow." My mom came and broke our perfect harmony.

"See you Aya." I told her, but it was no use. She was asleep. I grabbed my mom's hand and we walked out.

"Mom?"

"Yeah hon." I looked into her eyes. She was tired and worn. Not like how she was before Dad left when we were four. I miss him so much. I couldn't tell her what Aya said. I just couldn't.

"I miss Dad." I broke down right there in the hospital parking lot and cried. Mom just held me until I was done. The rain was beating down on us, but she didn't care. She just held me while I cried. When I pulled away from her I realized that she'd been crying too.

"I miss him too, babe." We turned to get into our car. Now that I'm home writing this I feel like just sitting down and crying. Crying for Mom, Aya, Dad, Grammy, Troy, and me. Instead I knelt down right next to my bed and sang a song to my Lord. Crying the whole way through.

My world is closing in
On the inside
But I'm not showing it
When all I am is crying out
I hold it in and fake a smile
Still I'm broken
I'm broken
Only one can understand
And only one can hold the hand
Of the broken
Of the broken

When no one else knows how I feelYour love for me is proven real
When no one else cares where I've been
You run to me with outstretched hands
And You hold me in your arms
Again

I need no explanation of why me
I just need confirmation
Only You could understand the
emptiness inside my head
I am falling
I am falling
I'm falling down upon my knees
To find the one who gives me peace
I am flying
Lord I am flying

When no one else knows how I feel
Your love for me is proven real
When no one else cares where I've been
You run to me with outstretched hands
And You hold me in Your arms
Again

I have come to you in search of faith
Cause I can't see beyond this place
Oh You are God and I am man
So I'll leave it in Your hands

When no one else knows how I feelYour love for me is proven real
When no one else cares where I've been
You run to me with outstretched hands
And You hold me in Your arms
Again

I sang the song and went to bed still crying.

A/N: Should I continue this story? Or is it a dumb idea? It just came to me so I decided to write it. Should I continue or just not bother? Tell me the truth here. I wont be mad! Review! Oh yeah. That song was called "No One Else Knows" by Building 429.