Teaser:

On their worst nights, they are alone and scared. Elizabeth Adams has found a habit that could cost her everything. Henry McCord is quickly disappearing down a hole he may never be able to escape. Can they learn to trust one another? Will love ever be enough? CW: Self-harm and alcohol abuse.


This is an AU where Henry and Elizabeth haven't met. It's set after season 1, and beyond that, I take a lot of liberty with the timeline – moving things around, modifying things, only including the events that serve my plot, etc. Assume everything to the end of season 1 happened as it did on the show, except for the Elizabeth/Henry bits.

The basic premise of the story is: What if Henry and Elizabeth didn't have each other to help them get through everything that happened in season 1?

Helpful bits to know:

Before this story starts, Henry's dad committed suicide like he did on the show. Maureen is still awful.

Elizabeth and Henry don't have kids. They aren't gonna have kids. I don't like writing children.

In this story, Elizabeth is an only child.

I'm making Henry work at DIA and Murphy Station at the same time because it serves my plot. Don't ask questions. It's fine.

I don't know how it works, but I'm changing history a bit and pretending the government stance on LGBT issues in security clearances were the same in 1990 as they were in 2016. So pretend McCarthy wasn't a homophobe? Idk. I realized too far into the story that a character couldn't have gotten a security clearance in the early '90s. So… we're just gonna pretend that's fine.

Content warnings for borderline alcoholism, self-injury, panic attacks, and flashbacks to sexual assault. The discussions of self-injury will occasionally be descriptive and graphic. There will be a fairly graphic description of the sexual assault. I'll give you a warning at the top of the chapter with the sexual assault. I'm not going to warn you about the descriptions of cutting because it's implicit or explicit in just about every chapter in the beginning. There is one chapter that has a really intense description of cutting. I'll warn you before that. Otherwise, consider yourself generally warned.

Their relationship is not going to be healthy immediately, but there will be a happy and healthy ending. Or at least as happy as endings can be.

The purpose of this story is not to provide a how-to guide on overcoming alcohol dependency or self-injury. This is escapist literature meant to indulge the "what if" part of my brain. Let me reiterate this. Even though I have included a lot more psychology in this story. It is still not a how-to guide. It is one possible story. I have not consulted a professional in the development of this story.

This story is rated M for a reason.

The chapter titles are taken from lines of songs that are relevant. The songs don't necessarily have anything to do with the chapter. Just the specific line. All the songs are in a playlist on Spotify under the same title.

Thanks for reading, and please let me know if you have any suggestions for the story. I particularly love hearing from people who have experienced some of the things I talk about in the story. I mean for this to be a story where you can read and feel understood. I'm also a huge nerd, so please feel free to say you disagree with something in the fic so I can hear other perspectives. Please use your judgment in choosing to read.

Feel free to point out typos. I've used betas on and off, and some of the chapters got more editing than others.

And yeah, there's a Sherlock reference that you'll see starting in the first chapter, although it's not a crossover. #TJLC

If anyone's interested, the inspiration for this story came from my undergraduate senior History thesis where I wrote about victims' compensation following disaster. I wanted to explore in a fic how trauma could be given meaning and people could truly move on.

I got an A on that thesis, graduated, and moved to DC. I started throwing in all of the experiences that I had that I wanted to explore. I apologize if this story feels too much like the kitchen sink. It is – I fully acknowledge that.


Special thanks to everyone who has reviewed. Your reviews have shaped and changed the story - making it immeasurably better. You have inspired me and challenged me and bolstered my confidence. Thank you.

If you would like to chat about the story or ideas you have... or if you want to beta ;) please message me! I love hearing from you!