"Dear God…Why Did Deklan Trapper Leave Us?"
A/N: Hank sits down and writes this six months after Deklan's diagnosis of severe autism. It is an exercise where Hank wants to get his feelings out on paper.
Nothing E! belongs to me. If it did I'd be blissfully married to Hank, Mike, Marco and Kel. Deklan Trapper and his siblings are mine and are not for public domain.
Dear God,
Thirty months ago, you saw fit (for whatever reason I will never know) to take the Deklan Trapper we knew away from us. Before, he was a bright, engaging child that was ornery, through and through, and his smile lit up a room.
His eyes danced with mischief and he even dared call me a "Twit" once. The only thing he wasn't doing normally was cruising. In every other way, he was a healthy child who was pretty much his father's son.
See this is what hurts so much. I have six other children and believe me, I love them all equally. But none of them ever had my features and attitude as much as Deklan Trapper did. It was so much fun watching him grow and become more like me every day. I went so far as to call him "Little Me" because that is exactly what he was.
How did it happen God? How could a bright, vibrant sixteen month old build a self-sustaining universe in a six month period and leave us behind without so much as a clue or a goodbye? How could he leave the father that supplied the sperm, the mother that carried him for nine months and his siblings who loved him dearly especially his oldest sister Kaitlyn Emily? What would drive a child away from his family? God, I will never understand. It boggles and torments my mind.
What is his universe like? Is it anything like ours? How did he know what behaviors to take with him? Why all the near constant motion? Does the rocking soothe him like I suspect it does or is it to settle his universe down? Is it always spinning because he loves spinning anything that spins? Does that serve as a way to bring his universe right side up? When he stares, what is he looking at if in fact he's looking at anything at all?
Can he see or is his vision like a kaleidoscope? When he flaps his hands (it reminds me of "flying") is he "flying" in his universe? Can he hear only what goes on in his universe? Just how thick is that wall that he has built around himself?
Does he still know his family or are we mere objects to annoy him? Does he still know the dogs and cat, or do they too annoy him? What does he now know? Does he understand English, or does he have a language all his own? Will he ever walk, talk, be potty trained, or ditch the pacifier?
Why did he develop seizures? Are they part of the transformation or were they dormant and deciding to rear their ugly head at twenty four months? Will he become violent like the doctors are warning us against?
The questions, the unanswerable questions ; are You angry because I dare question You, Almighty God? I know I shouldn't but You know it's just my nature. If I could only be given just a hint of an answer to understand it all. A Revelation. Something.
But I know that's not in Your plans and I must accept it. Please Almighty God give us the ability and patience to raise this special gift You left for us. Please help us understand him in the way You would have us understand him. That's all I ask.
Thank You for listening. I have served You my whole life and I will not stop serving You because of this. Perhaps You are testing us to see how close, or far will be from You this will drive us. I can't do this without You oh God. That much I do know. As long as You walk next to the whole family, guiding us through this, I know we will bring honor and glory to Your Name because that is the whole idea. We'll do the best we can.
In Your Name, Jesus Christ, Amen.
End
