A/N: I do not own "Rubber." And there is seriously no reason to give this movie a fan-fic. But for some reason, I have a sick obsession with making sure that every obscure movie I enjoy had at least one fan-fic, floating somewhere in the sea of the Internet.
His life has been uneventful up till now, even for a rabbit's, but he compensates with a colorful and astounding heritage. Alfonso De Albuquerque VIII hails from a long line of desert-dwelling carrot munchers, a diverse family tree with roots spreading from Wonderland all the way to the Cave of Caerbannog. Alfonso claims direct lineage to the martyrs of Watership Down, and the Hare who "beat the Tortoise," the Easter Bunny and, although he himself is brown in color, the proverbial White Rabbit. But perhaps his most beloved (supposed) ancestor of all is the Beast of Caerbannog, the flesh-eating, mile-leaping white bunny before whom King Arthur and his knights quaked. The legendary Gowain, Hector and Bores all fell to the fangs of Alfono's ancestor, according to legend. And although Alfonso himself is a mere civilian of the outback, sniffing around farmer's vegetable gardens and nibbling grass, his chestnut-sized mind often wanders to the mystical wetlands of his ancestor, and he imagines himself lunging at astounded knights, severing their skulls from their spinal cords with his front canines in a spray of crimson and a symphony of shrieks.
But never once did it ever occur to Alphonso that he might find himself on the opposite side of the fence. The defeated, the conquered, the exploded. Not until now, now that he faces the strange being before him. It is rubber and circular, and black, at least twice again Alfono's height. And he knows, without knowing how he knows, that this thing is called Robert, and Robert is new to the world, but already brimming with rage and vengeance. As soon as Alfonso saw Robert rolling towards him through the desert, he could only pause his nibbling and stare, as if caught in the headlights of a vehicle. And in a sense he has, because he feels a kind of light on him, a divine shower that sanctifies him from his floppy ears to his cotton tail.
He is honored to be Robert's first kill. For this tire will bring about a change in the world, a new state in evolution. Alfonso has always hoped he would die for a cause, and never in a million years did he imagine that his death would be the first step in the development of the first new dominant species in a million years. The rabbit faces his executioner, like an Incan virgin staring into the depths of the volcano into which she is about to plunge, her fear intermingled with anticipation and honor. He is not worthy. Alfonso wants to close his eyes, but it is impossible to tear his gaze away from the magnificent wheel before him, a symbol of the never-ending Circle of Life and Wheel of Time. For everything that begins must meet an end, before it can begin again.
Alfonso explodes in a cloud of fur and gore, and Robert, satisfied with his kill, rolls on through the splattered rabbit remains, in search of his next victim.
A/N: Believe it or not, I wrote this 100% sober.
