Hue Hefner and the Playboi mansion

A Living with Faust special

Saturday: sometime - some other time, Faust was gone! X3

This was one hell of a weekend we had here. You may not have heard from us in awhile, and where we are living and who we are living with that shouldn't surprise you, for all you know we could've been dead. Dead AND eaten even. But, we're still very much alive, unfortunately. It hadn't been long since the guys got their memory's back and Kaylee left the house not wanting to remember me anymore, that Faust disappeared for a whole 3 days.

I had enjoyed the peace of not having Faust at the house, I didn't even question him being gone in fear of him showing up out of nowhere. The others weren't doing so well. Jack seemed paranoid that Faust was still in the house, and since he was playing tag with him and never tagged Faust back, he hid in the corner fort he had made and held onto his helmet and baseball bat.

Chris had been playing Smash bros Brawl for the past 2 weeks and hadn't noticed Faust being gone at all, even when Faust was here he couldn't get to Chris. In fact, Chris even beat Faust at brawl. This caused Faust to reenact the fight with a puppet theater, that lasted for several hours. Every time one of us attempted to get up, he shot us with a beanbag gun.

Emerld went on a manhunt with Pennywise, Freakazoid, and Beetle Juice to find Faust, but they all ended up in a roshambo to the death. Lucky no one was killed do to the game ending on the count of acid rain. Emerld wasn't up for walking much afterwards though.

Then finally there was Missy. She had had the least experience with Faust, but 5 minutes with the guy could drive anyone to question reality. She seemed happy that he was gone, and spent most of her time with me. The Faust free time was fun while it lasted, but he returned, he ALWAYS returns,

Saturday: noon. The news report.

I was sitting on the couch with Missy, after performing the miracle of getting Chris to turn off the Wii. It was pretty easy, all I had to do was have 60 pizza's delivered and tell Chris I was out of money, once he realized the Pizza's would go bye bye, he had some "words" with the pizza guy. "Words" meaning he's still kicking the poor guy's ass as I write this.

I flipped it over to the news hoping To catch a predator might be on, and found a special news report. "What the fuck is this!?" I yelled. "This was supposed to be the episode where Chris Hansen has the decoy pose as a newborn baby genius!" I continued. "It's saying something about Hue Hefner dieing of a combination of AIDS, cancer, and a… harpoon through the chest?" Missy explained. "Harpoon!? Is Faust on the news?" Emerld asked after just walking in the room.

"It doesn't say anything about a crazy bagman, so don't think it's him." Replied Missy. "Yeah, Faust just seems like the kind of person who'd love to be credited for something like this too." Emerld replied. "I got the pizza's for a 113 discount!" Chris proclaimed proudly as he brought in a massive stack of pizzas. "What, you robbed the guy to Chris? It wasn't enough to beat him senseless?" I asked. "Hey, he tried to take food away from me, food I shouldn't have had to pay for anyway because he can have it back if he wants, AFTER I've eaten it!" Chris said as he opened the first box of pizza.

"Yeah, anyway, shut up, I want to hear why it is of any importance some perverted old fart is dying." I said as I hushed the others. Apparently, the old bastard was to be naming a successor to himself, someone to run the playboi mansion after he died. And it turns out, he had hidden four gold tickets in four issues of the latest playboi magazine, and there was now but one gold ticket remaining. "Oh shit! I have the new issue!" Stated jack bursting forth from his corner fort. "I haven't even opened it yet, maybe It'll have the ticket!" He said before racing up the stairs. "Does he really think that ticket will be in there?" Missy asked. "Knowing Jack, he'll probably punch a hole in the wall after finding out it's not." I replied.

"Well, might as well go pick up a copy of that particular magazine to see if I win, if I don't at least I'll still have the magazine." Emerld said as he got his keys and left to the store. "I bet after this news report all the playboy's in the state will be gone within minutes." Said Chris shortly after finishing his fourth entire pizza. "Well, I don't really want to go to the playboi mansion, so I'll just pretended I didn't see this news report." I said as I changed the channel.

"Hey! Chuck Norris: slayer of zombie Tiamat is on!" I said as I settled to watch the program with Missy. I heard a very loud crashing noise soon after coming from the upstairs. "Your fixing that fucking hole Jack!!!" I yelled at him. He then marched down the stairs with an armful of playboi magazines, and took them in the backyard and burned them. "I trusted you perverted old guy, and this is how you treat me!?" He yelled much louder then he should have. "Damn it Jack! Don't let the public hear that!!!" I screamed at him.

About 20 or 30 minutes past before Emerld retuned. "Well, I got a copy, no gold ticket though. Kind of feel bad now for crushing that fat guys spine in order to get the last one." He replied as he hung up his coat. "Well, he was fat, so he probably deserved it. And probably has the internet so he'll do fine for the night, if he gets up again that is." I conversed with Emerld before he headed upstairs. Then I continued to watch the show. "Didn't you say you met Chuck Norris once?" Missy asked me. "Yeah, Emerld hired him to beat down Faust after he tried to turn the Burger King into a religious icon." I replied. "I even got his autograph, he signed my DVD copy of Walker Texas Ranger: The book of the TV show: The movie."

After the movie me and Missy planned to spend some more time together with Bridget Plushie, but then it happened…

Saturday: 2.13 - 2:48 Good ol' Faust spoils every ones peace! Ya…..NO!

Not even to the stairs did we make it, before a mailman came flying through the door and headed straight through the wall of the living room and into the oven in the kitchen. Then, Faust walked through the now broken front door in slow motion and with his own background and theme music. "Of course." I said as I placed my face in the palm of my hand. "I dun feel so good guys." Stated Chris after finishing his 21st pizza, this time box and all. "Then stop eatin ya bastard!" I yelled at him. "NO! It's TOO good!!!" Chris stated as he opened ANOTHER one.

"I, have returned! BOI!!!" Faust explained as he took off his bag and placed it on the hat rack, he had another bag just like it on underneath. "Oh no, not him again, I thought he was gone for good, I saw him die!!!" Said Missy confused. "Yeah, we've all killed him at least a dozen times, he never seems to stay fully dead though." I explained to her. "Faust boi! Where have you been?" asked Emerld just coming down from upstairs. "I was out, doing stuff." He said. "I want everyone to be here, where's that one guy who always punches holes in the wall?" He asked. "Jack, get your ass down here, Faust is back!" I yelled upstairs. A flying guitar hero remote almost took my head off after that. "FUCK! I almost beat it, ALMOST!!!" Jack was screaming as he came downstairs pissed off.

"OK! Now that everyone is here, I has news!" Faust stated now having everyone's attention. "As you may have heard, the old guy who lives in that old house with all those naked chicks is dieing, and I know you think I had a part in causing his dying state, and I did, but that's not the news I have!" He continued with his story. "The old bastard is letting four special people into his cruddy old house before he dies, and I guess you could say eight people because everyone gets to bring a guest, and I guess you could say not so special because about a million people have already been there before."

"Yeah, we know, what's you point Faust?" I asked him. "Can someone go get me the peanut butter?" Asked Chris. "NO!" we all yelled at him. "Well, he placed 4 gold tickets in 4 magazines, so, what I did was track down the 3 people who already found the tickets, buried them alive, ate all the food in their possession, and stole the tickets from their dying hands." He explained. Missy was appalled, but she'll get used to his stories, once she has to actually SEE him do this stuff like we all did. "Then, I bought every single playboi within the country, until I found the remaining ticket! When I say bought, I mean I burned down all the news stands and took the mags, and the money, and the people who ran the places pants." He finished.

"That's AWESOME!" Jack shouted. "Does this mean you're taking us?" He asked. "Yesum, you, Teepo, Emerld, Chris, Missy, Pennywise, the Burger King, AND ME! We're all going tomorrow morning!" Faust replied. "You'd better appreciate this too, it took me forever to eat all those magazines!" "Hell yeah! This is going to be the best day EVER!" Said Jack as he went back up to his room. "What if I dun wanna go?" I asked. "Then I'll make YOU eat 1,000 playboi magazines and see how YOU like it." He replied. "Fine, I'll go, but Bridget plushie and Missy don't leave my side, GOT IT!?" I demanded. He agreed.

Saturday: 3:00 - 5:30 Passing the time.

I wasn't really too excited about dinner, due to the fact that Faust never took out that mailman. I just ate some pizza with Chris, well, I ate, he kinda just sat there barley breathing and cross-eyed with half a piece of pizza in his mouth. I got to them around his 40th box. "Hey Emerld, you want to help me push Chris upstairs? He's starting to reach for more pizza." I asked him. "Um, a little busy here Teepo." He replied sitting upside down in chains above a shark tank. "And…GO!" Faust yelled at him as he started lowering Emerld into the tank.

I decided then to go upstairs and attempt to spend more time with Missy and Bridget plushie. Unlike Kaylee, Bridget plushie accepted Missy to be around me, and didn't attack her. I got upstairs to my room to find Emerld's stupid bird had pecked apart some of my posters. "You stupid bitch!" I yelled at her as I threw my talking Duke Nukem bobble head at her. "I've got balls of steel!" It said as it hit the wall narrowly missing the bird. The bird soon flew out of my room, and into Jack's. I heard him screaming, but I'm not about to help him.

Missy and I stayed in the room for about 6 minutes, before Faust bust into the room and threw a shoe at me. "What's with this now? Faust why did you throw a shoe at me!?" I asked. "Your turn to wash the shoe!" He said as he slammed my door and caused the picture above my head to fall onto me, knocking me out.

Saturday: 6ish - around eight.

I woke up sometime after, luckily Missy was there to take care of me, the glass from the picture cut me pretty deep. The weird part is the glass didn't break upon falling… Anyway, I decided to head downstairs to see the others.

Once downstairs I looked over by the door to see Emerld had gotten out of the chains and the sharks had all been harpooned. "Faust, are you going to get this tank out of here?" I asked him. "I already did it yesterday!" He replied from the other room. I looked over, and sure enough the tank I was just looking at was gone. "Chris, where are you?" I shouted as I couldn't see him around anywhere. "He took the rest of the pizzas up to his room a few minutes ago, along with some ice cream, a case of boot beer, and a super deluxe bacon cheeseburger, with extra bacon, and an extra hamburger on top." Stated Jack who was trying to pull the charred mailman corpse from the oven.

"Might as well play some Brawl while Chris eats himself into a coma." I thought to myself as I picked up the Wii remote. I sat on the couch and started up the game, then immediately heard: "You're not gonna win." I looked to my right to see Chris next to me with a stack of empty pizza boxes, wiimote ready in hand. "How did you get down here so fast?" I asked him. "I ate so much pizza, that I can now instantly appear in any part of the house with pizza boxes." He replied. "How come I never get any cool powers?" I asked. "You did that one time we were in that house that was full of poison, by the way I still don't know how we survived that I mean one breath of that stuff could kill an elephant, but whatever I'm gonna pick Sonic and I'm gonna win!" Chris stated as our match began. We were pretty close, I almost won, but Faust dumped a box of live spiders in my hair and I screamed at such a high pitch I shattered the TV, after which I heard "This games winner is SONIC!"

Saturday: After 8 - the middle part of the dark part of the day.

Missy spent the next hour or so picking the spiders out of my hair. She didn't like spiders anymore then I did, but we weren't about to cut off my hair. I'm this close to growing into a functional tentacle monster. Then I'll show Testament who's boss. Anyway, I tried not to leave the room again, but I hear the words of an anon screech "OH NO!!!" So I decided to go take a look after all.

I walked downstairs to find Pennywise, Faust, and Chris all playing Brawl. The shriek came from that dammed clown. "What is it Pennywise?" I asked him. "I tried to grab Chris and the bastard jumped and I walked into a bombomb!" He replied. "Oh jesum Christ, is that all?" I asked. "No! …Faust stuck a fork in me!" he explained. "You clearly said you would love for me to stick a fork in your ass!" Faust replied to Pennywise. "I said there was a fork in the path on sub space embassy!" Pennywise continued to argue. I went back upstairs after that.

I decided I would check on Jack and Emerld before heading back to my room and Missy. Jack was passed out in a pile of empty beer bottles, bird feathers, and his own blood. Also it looked like he ran his head into the wall pretty hard trying to escape that bird of Emerld's. I wandered into Emerld's broom next. I opened the door to find him locking up the bird for the night. "Hey Emerld, just checking to see that Faust hadn't eaten you tonight." I said. "Ha ha, he tried once earlier, but I threw him a squeaky toy and he left me alone." Emerld replied. I then headed back to my room, with my lovely Missy, and ever so dear Bridget plushie.

I got back to my room to find Missy in bed, but not asleep. Bridget plushie was in the bed with her too, I grabbed BP and laid down with Missy. We talked for a bit, I told her some more stories about Faust, as I want her to know everything there is to know what he's capable of. "Oh, and make SURE you NEVER let him take you fishing!" I warned her. "Wow, what did he do that time?" She asked. "We went fishing not for fish, but FISHING POLES! He harpooned every owner of every fishing show in town and stole their poles, then he decapitated the fattest one and hung his head over the mantle as a trophy!" I went on with my story. "That's pretty awful, how come the fat guy's head isn't there anymore?" She asked me. "He sold it in a yard sale to the headless horseman." I replied.

I told a few more tales of Faust before kissing Missy good night and turning out the lights. She went right to sleep, but I didn't. I had too much on my mind, cause think about it, tomorrow I'm going to the damn playboi mansion, with FAUST!!! I remember that time I went to the museum with the guy and he scarred everyone there for life. I can't imagine what's going to happen tomorrow. I lied awake for a few hours, listening to the ongoing Brawl downstairs. Chris was winning, and I think I heard Pennywise win once, something about Chris trying to play with his head in a box or something… anyway, I started writing more about the day as you are reading now, and after this line, I either fell asleep, or died, or am right here in the room with you right now, who knows.