Title: A Pocket Full of Mumbles (Such are promises)
Beta: Beckalooby
Characters/Pairings: Dean, Sam, John, Bobby, OFC. Dean/OFC.
Summary: For LJ Hoodie-Time h/c Fic & Art Challenge. Prompt- Dean left his family when he was 18. 8 years later he is living the apple-pie life with a woman that he loves and their two children, until his estranged brother Sam comes to ask for his help in the search for their father. Dean disappears with his brother and isn't heard from again, until he suddenly returns 3 years later. Battered and broken on his family's doorstep…
Rating: PG-13
Warnings: Language, angst, mild innuendo, emotionally abusive!John, character deaths (canon deaths done in non-canon ways)
A/N: This is virtually completed, so I will post the chapters several days apart. Might be about three chapters long. Maybe four.
When Dean was four years old his grandfather gave him a cap gun for his birthday. His still shell-shocked, ex-Marine father pried it from his hands and said that no son of his was going to be playing with guns. But it was only hours later that Dean had managed to build the Legos- gifted to him by his dad- into the shape of a shotgun and was running around the house pointing it at people until they'd pretend to be dead. He wanted to be cowboy when he grew up, he'd told his family with a wide grin as he pointed his toy at the neighbor's cat.
When he was five years old he wanted to be a fireman. He dreamed of riding around in a big red truck, with the brightly flashing lights and ear piercing siren. And maybe if he was a fireman, he would be able to keep other mommies from dying by the same flames that had taken away his.
When he was seven he decided he would be a superhero when he grew up. Just like daddy and just like batman. Dad would occasionally bring home comic books that he'd find for a dime at a thrift shop and Dean would dream of having similar adventures to the ones he'd read about. In his dreams Sammy was always the damsel who needed rescuing from the monstersthat threatened him.
Dean was ten years old and old enough to be left alone with his younger brother in his care. That's what Dad figured. John left with the promise of being gone for no more than two days. But two days turned into three, turned into five and it wasn't until a week later that Dad returned. At ten years old, Dean just wanted to be grown up already. Doing the job of a thirty year old, it was a frustration to be trapped in the body of a ten year old. To have the job of watching out for and taking care of his baby brother without the means to do so. To have to watch his baby brother cry himself to sleep at night because there wasn't much food left and Dean was just trying to make it stretch another day.
Sixteen years old and killing his first monster. It was a rush like he'd never felt before. The adrenaline, the danger, the power. This was what his future looked like and it looked good. To be the feared instead of the fearful was like a drug.
Twenty years old and in love and oh God, help him, because he got her pregnant and shitshitshit, because now what is he supposed to do? He's Dean Winchester, he doesn't love, he kills. It's who he is. And he has a responsibility to watch out for Sammy but now he's brought an innocent life into the world and if he doesn't do it, then who is going to make sure this child of his is protected from the dark?
Sam doesn't even know he's doing it, but he releases Dean when one night he confides, "I hate this life. I hate dad for raising us this way. Soon as I'm old enough, I'm getting outta this freak show. Gonna go to college and be normal."
Dean's already told Jocelyn goodbye- hardest thing he ever had to do- and he wonders if she'll take him back. Because Sam doesn't need him, doesn't want him and when Sam leaves, Dean will have nothing. Hunting will mean nothing because he was only ever killing monsters for Sam's sake.
He called her and told her he wanted back in. Told her he wanted to be there for her and he wouldn't screw this up. She told him, "no way in Hell." She wasn't going to let him break her heart twice. And so he figured he would just have to change her mind.
...
Dean couldn't say that he wasn't having second thoughts. He couldn't say that he knew beyond a doubt that he was making the right choice.
Sam had understood, had even offered his support. But behind Sam's words of encouragement, Dean could see hurt. Maybe even a little bit of fear. Hurt that the brother who was more like a father than his actual father, was leaving. Fear of what would happen to him without Dean there to have his back.
Dean wanted to be pissed about the hurt that Sam wouldn't speak of.
Damn it.
Why did Sam think he was the only one who could seek a life outside of the one their revenge- driven father had chosen for them? Why was Sam allowed to ditch his family for college but Dean wasn't allowed to keep the family he'd helped create? And why did Sam think that what was okay for him wasn't okay for Dean?
Dean wanted to be pissed but all he felt was guilty.
He hated this, hated that he couldn't have it all. Couldn't have a kid without having to choose between said child and his brother Sam.
Why did he have to? Why did he have to choose?
"Sam, come with me." Dean said one night, long after they were both supposed to be asleep.
There was a heavy pause and Dean wondered if Sam had heard him.
"Really?" Sam asked, finally.
"Why not?" Dean rubbed the back of his neck.
"Yeah." Sam paused. "Yeah."
...
But the next day, Sam told Dean that he'd thought it over and changed his mind. Dean was shocked that Sam would pass up an opportunity to finish up highschool in a stable environment.
Sam smiled and said, "Dad needs me here."
Yeah. Right.
Sam had spent a sleepless night thinking things through. He'd come to the conclusion that Dean didn't need his pain in the ass kid brother tagging along, being nothing more than a third wheel. Dean was building a new life and the reality was that there would be no room there for Sam.
He kept this to himself because there was no reason to make Dean feel guilty.
...
The thing Dean was most worried about, what kept him awake at night, was how to tell Dad. He ran through his mind every possible way he could think of to break the news gently to his father. It would take a great deal of tact and diplomacy. Both of which he realized he had very little of.
Though he probably wouldn't get a chance to try out any of his arguments. Probably wouldn't get a chance to get past, "Dad, I got a girl pregnant." before his dad clocked him one.
So maybe the best tactic would be to drop the bomb and run. "Dad, I'm leaving." Duck and cover.
"Just pack up and leave in the middle of the night." Sam suggested. "S'what I'd do."
...
Dean started with the 'easy' part first. Wouldn't mention the part where he says "I'm leaving" until after Dad had time to digest the pregnant part.
John muttered something about Dean not being able to keep it in his pants. Looked like he was going to put his fist through a wall, instead washed a fistful of aspirin down with whiskey.
Finally, with a calmness that Dean had not been anticipating, said, "Well, what can you do? You're never gonna see her again. Don't want you thinking I don't give a shit, Dean, but it's not like you have anything to give her. Should'a kept her legs together." He shrugged, taking another swig of whiskey.
Dean stared, clamped his mouth shut before he said something he would regret. Didn't know how to respond.
Sam did, "That's shit!" He said under his breath.
Dad whirled around to face Sam, "What was that you said, smartass?" As if he hadn't heard.
Dean could see where this was headed and he wondered if, when he left, Dad and Sam would finally kill each other off. It wasn't as if they didn't try but Dean had always been there to drag them to separate corners.
"No!" Dean said, maneuvering in between them , "You're not starting this." He shoved Sam into a chair. "Sit down and shut your mouth. Or better yet, you can take a walk."
Sam smirked angrily, "Yeah, no. I don't think so. You're gonna want me around for this." He crossed his arms and leaned back in the chair.
"Yeah, well then shut your mouth... and you too, Dad."
...
"If you wanna choose some slut you knew for a few months over your flesh and blood then go ahead, I won't stop you." John was in Dean's face now, "But if you go, don't even think of coming back!"
Dean leaned back from his dad's hot breath in his face, "Damn it dad, lay off the onions, would'ja?" And as he said it he realized it was probably not the best thing to say.
John grabbed Dean's shirt collar, "You think this is funny? You think I'm joking? "
And no he hadn't but he was just trying not to cry.
John yelled, ranted until he was hoarse. By the time he was exhausted Dean was wishing that Dad would have just punched him. Bruises would heal.
At this point he wasn't sure that he could ever look his father in the eye again.
...
"So, uh, don't be a stranger." Sam said looking down, scuffling his shoes.
Dean couldn't meet Sam's eyes, "Hey." He looked as if he was trying to decide what he was going to say, but instead he grabbed Sam's arm and pulled him into a hug. It was an unexpected and unusual display of emotion. "So man," he said finally, "So I'll get myself a phone and I'll call you. Give you the number... and I'll give you my new address when I have one."
Sam nodded and tried to turn his head so Dean wouldn't see the tears. Of course Dean saw them. "Sammy, don't cry! Please don't do that!" He begged.
"'M'not crying!" Sam blinked back tears and smiled tightly.
Dean huffed, "Yeah, right. You're the biggest girl I've ever seen! You'll see me all the time- I swear, you won't get rid of me that easily!"
"You're leaving man, you're gonna be hundreds of miles away. It's just not gonna be the same."
"Don't, Sam. Please. Just don't." Dean said quietly.
"Don't what?"
"You're going to college man, you can't wait to ditch this 'freak show'." Dean quoted Sam's words. "Two years and you'll be gone. I'm just supposed to sit around and wait for you to leave us?"
"What? Dean! Where is this coming from?"
"This guilt trip you're putting on me is bullshit! I asked you to come with me but you give me some lame ass excuse about Dad needing you- as if you even give a shit! I'm just trying to do the right thing here and dad kicks me out- you sit and cry like I'd just killed your puppy- I don't need this... I can't deal with this-"
"Just shut up Dean! I'm not trying to make you feel guilty! I get it, Dean, I really do, but you're my brother and I'm sorry if I can't be cool with this!"
...
It was about half way to Des Plaines, Illinois when he pulled his car over to a rest stop and found himself some food and a payphone. Dialed Sam's number. Wanted to apologize for his earlier meltdown. Wanted to know how Sam and Dad were doing.
He let it ring twice before hanging up.
He didn't think he'd be able to talk to Sam without breaking down and he didn't want Sam to see him that way. He would call Sam later. When things were a little bit more settled and he had something more to say than, "I'm a moron, Sam!"
He'd left his family for a girl who may not even want him. What the hell was he doing?
...
He showed up at her door and she didn't slam it in his face. She put the flowers he brought her in the trash because she said the smell made her sick.
But "strangely enough," she said, "Chocolate doesn't make me feel in the slightest bit nauseous."
Dean made a mental note of this and said, "Really? Well that's a lucky break for you! Like... all kinds of chocolate? Peanut butter? Mint? Cherry?"
"Oh yes." She said.
"All of it's good?"
"Oh yes. Yes."
...
He lived in his car for nearly a month until Josie found out. She was furious with him for not telling her that he couldn't afford somewhere to live.
He shrugged, "Not a big deal." He told her. Didn't know how to explain that his home had always been his car anyway. "I'm looking for work. Soon as I get a job I'll be able to find an apartment."
"You can live at my place." She offered. "S'long as you sleep on the couch and don't try anything funny."
"I don't know if I can do that." He warned.
He called Sam to let him know how to reach him if he needed to but the number had been disconnected. He dialed it again because maybe he had misdialed.
But all he got was another robotic message telling him the same thing as before.
...
Josie's mom's name was Kay. She had died in a car crash when Josie was fifteen. Josie had always been very close to her mother and wanted to name their daughter after her.
Dean wanted to name the baby Mary, after his mother, who he had never had the chance to be very close to.
So he suggested a compromise, "How about Kay Mary? Or... Mary Kay?"
Josie had laughed, "I'm not naming my kid after my makeup, Deano!"
"Wha... Seriously? Makeup? Damn. So I guess Maybelline is out of the question too?" And he was kinda proud that he'd known what Maybelline was.
...
Sometimes when thoughts of Sammy and Dad and demons and fire kept him awake at night, he would go out to the garage and curl up in the back seat of the Impala. It felt like home.
And if Jocelyn minded she never said a word. Maybe would kiss him a little harder the next morning.
As if perhaps she thought he wanted to leave.
Though she never asked. Never asked why he had come back to her and why he stuck around. Maybe because she was afraid of what his answer would be. Afraid that he would say he loved her, would have come back with or without the baby, and she would be able to see the lie in his eyes.
He wished she would ask Wished he could tell her how that he really did loved her but sometimes he just missed his family. His other family. Because now he had two.
Sometimes shit happens but that doesn't mean that shit can't turn out to be the best thing that's ever happened.
...
Roxanne/ You don't have to put on the red light/ Those days are over/ You don't have to sell your body to the night/ Roxanne...
The windows rolled down, the wind blowing through their hair. The Police singing on the radio.
Dean grinned as Josie reached over and turned the volume up.
Dean had been appalled at Josie's lack of classic rock knowledge when he'd first met her. He had vowed to change that. She'd dug in her heels a bit, told him his music was crap, written by a bunch of hippies, strung out on drugs. He'd laughed and told her that's what made it so awesome.
"You like this song?" He asked her.
Josie rolled her eyes, "They did it better in Moulin Rouge. But this guy isn't bad."
Dean choked, "...'This guy'? You mean Sting?"
She laughed, "Rooxaaanne" shouting with the music.
He grinned. "So how about 'Roxanne Kay'?"
"What?"
"For a name. 'Roxanne Kay'. Kinda cute, huh?"
"No. Hell no! I'm not naming my daughter after a prostitute!"
"Roxie?"
"No Dean." She laughed. "Ass." She said under her breath. He only grinned wider.
...
Charlotte ('Charly') Ellen Riley-Winchester was born on December 17, 1999. Born nearly a month early. Weight: 6lbs 1oz and 18" long.
She was perfect.
...
Josie didn't want to get married pregnant. She said it would look like they were a couple of teenaged hicks getting married with a rifle at their backs.
She asked for his guest list and he kept putting it off. Well, not the getting a guest list together part, but the telling her that he didn't have a guests to make a list of part.
And so when she found out, she tore up her entire list and told him that they could get married in front of a justice of the peace if he wished.
He kissed her nose and said, "That's stupid."
