Summary: She had given it her all, tried her best to make her understand that it wasn't just a game anymore, that she was in love but there was nothing as hurtful as rejection and so she did what she had never done before, she ran… Futurefic. Brittana with Quintana Friendship.
Disclaimer: I do not own Glee. I'm just playing in Ryan Murphy's sandbox of awesomeness.
A/N: Inspired by Snow Patrols song entitled "Run". This is my first ever Glee story, centered on the ever wonderful Brittana so please be kind. I hope you enjoy this as much as I had fun planning it and writing it out! :D I apologize in advance for any grammatical errors. I don't have a beta and my brain chooses to tell me that its all okay when I start proof-reading it. Hopefully, you'll understand it perfectly. Rated T just in case. :) R&R, okay? Tell me what you think. :3 And onwards!
Prologue
"Please say you love me back. Please…"
"Of course I love you. I do. And I would totally be with you if it weren't for Artie…"
And they hadn't talked or spent much time together since then. Not that Santana hadn't tried but Brittany was busy with Artie. Brittany had apologized to her many times but Santana shrugged it off as nicely as she could and drew herself in deeper, numbing herself because she had no idea what else to do because Artie and Brittany were still together and she still couldn't deal with it. Not yet. Maybe never.
She had contemplated quitting Glee Club over and over again just to get away from it and it had seemed like a good idea but she had already been kicked out of the Cheerios and there was nothing else left to distract her, so she decided to stay, at least for the mean time.
"Santana?" A snap of a finger and she was taken out of her trance. Mr. Schue was hovering over her.
Her defenses came back up. "What?" She tried to remember what they had been discussing about but came up blank.
"You're first up to present." He told her. Right. Now she remembered. The assignment, 'going out of your comfort zone'.
Santana straightened herself and gave an indifferent nod. She got up and strode to the front of the room and faced them, faced Brittany who looked at her longingly. For a second, she faltered at the sight of the sadness the beautiful blue eyes held but all she had to do was remind herself that Artie was right next to the love of her life and she managed to pull herself together. She looked away and took a deep breath before returning her focus to the group.
"I wrote this song," She said nonchalantly. "Basically, that's all you need to know."
Right on cue, the piano began to play the beautiful melody that she herself had composed and for the second time that day, she faltered. She opened her mouth to sing but no words came out and she shook her head and berated herself internally for getting affected. She was only singing this song because, frankly, it was the best song she had ever written in her life. There was no other reason, nothing else.
The opening came around once again and Santana willed herself to sing the first few lines.
I'm sticking my ear now, on this solid ground.
There was a slight quaver in her voice.
I'm singing this though I may not hear a sound. This I would not forget and I won't let this pass but still my heart's awake; not be quiet and regret it...
She gained courage, closed her eyes and allowed the melody to take over her.
I'll say it all now I've already gone this far and I've been hiding this right from the start. Did you ever know that I kept you in my heart? And I've been dreaming, wishing on the stars that maybe we could be in each other's arms someday then I could call you my, my ray of light...
She opened her eyes and took a quick look around. They were all looking at her in surprise, the lyrics of the song seemingly different to the Santana they knew. She couldn't help but laugh bitterly inside. If they only knew the state she was really in. No comfort zone existed for her anymore.
Here I am now writing you this song without thinking what could happen when it's done but all I want is for you to be aware of this feeling that has been kept away too long…
She took a deep breath and gazed at Brittany, beautiful Brittany who sat there, staring back at her, knowing that this song was for her. Always for her. No one else. Santana couldn't hold her gaze much longer and broke eye contact first, forcing herself to focus on anything else but the blonde.
This time I'll make it right...This time I found light...There may be a wall between us but I'll break it down to show you I care…
Santana was desperately trying very hard to keep her feelings contained now; making sure that her voice did not betray her or waver again. She sang the song as clearly as she could and as strongly as she could but deep down within her, she was disintegrating rapidly. Maybe it had been wrong to sing this song after all but there was no turning back now. She needed to finish this song and be over with it.
I'll say it all now I've already gone this far and I've been hiding this right from the start.
Did you ever know that I kept you in my heart? And I've been dreaming, wishing on the stars.
That maybe we could be in each other's arms somedaythen I could call you my, my ray of light…
The song came to end and Santana was done. Silence ensued and she felt a shiver run down her spine and she felt the emptiness again.
Who was she kidding? She had sung this song because she was trying for Brittany once again. Maybe there was a chance, a chance that Brittany would be hers if she showed, sang, Brittany what she felt. Maybe Brittany would see just how much Santana loved her, how much she wanted to be with her. Santana chanced a glance at Brittany who had been watching her throughout her whole performance. Their eyes met, pleading hazel ones staring into deep and agile blue ones.
Santana was faintly aware that everyone was watching her but she didn't care, couldn't, at this point. She was waiting for something, anything… Then Brittany broke eye contact with her and for a second, glanced at Artie before looking back to Santana.
But the damage was done and the defeated emptiness filled her.
Reality came crashing down on Santana. This was all she'd ever get. This was all she'd ever be, the second choice. This was rejection. Suddenly, she found it hard to breathe. She willed herself not to cry but the tears came anyway, burning her cheeks, taunting her. She wasn't supposed to cry especially not in front of them.
She, the Mighty Santana Lopez, the master of deception, lies and hurtful words, had crashed and burned. Feelings, emotions swirled in her; anger, love, failure, pain, hurt. She tuned it all out and that's when the haze settled in. The swirling mist of "nothing" ate her up and she ceased to exist. She was faintly aware that she was fighting off someone who was trying to hold her and she vaguely heard herself say, "get off me".
And then she did the one thing she had never done in her life; Santana ran. She ran from the only thing she had ever been sure of.
Santana soon found herself beneath the bleachers, out of breath, crying and broken. She fell to the ground and sobbed, hugging her knees to her chest. She didn't want to think. She didn't want to feel. She didn't want anything.
She didn't know how long she sat there, sobbing but it must have been awhile. The sun was setting, tingeing the sky with a sickening blood red hue when she heard it; the crunch of the grass, the sound of someone approaching. Santana clenched her teeth and furiously wiped her tears away, preparing herself, ready to verbally lash out at whoever it was coming at her.
The person was now in front of her, a pair of white, pristine doll shoes right in her line of vision. "San..."
Santana let out a mirthless laugh. "Oh, this is going to be good." She didn't even have to look up to know it was Quinn.
"San…" The slight pity in Quinn's voice repulsed Santana.
"Don't you fucking dare pity me, Quinn." Santana snarled. "Don't."
Quinn kneeled down in front of Santana and Santana looked away.
"What do you want?" Santana continued on in a bitter tone. "Came to gloat?"
Quinn shook her head. "No… I just wanted to see if you were okay."
"What's the punch?"
Quinn looked confused. "San, there is no punch… I'm your friend and-"
"Oh please, spare me the façade of innocence, Quinn. A friend?" Santana finally looked at Quinn, bloodshot eyes full of anger. "Haven't you heard, Baby Mama? I'm Santana Lopez. I'm the fucking Queen of All That is Evil. I don't have friends. I don't do friends." She spat out vehemently. "You of all people should know that."
"You need someone."
"Cocky much, Tubbers? I don't need you. I don't need anyone so you can get off my case and leave me the fuck alone."
"So you don't need Brittany?" Quinn shot back.
Santana swallowed, a lump in her throat forming but this was only fueling her anger. "What the fuck do you care about Brittany and me? Last I heard, you didn't."
"We were friends once, San, Believe it or not, and maybe we aren't now but I still care because I know that you do not cry easily. Something happened, something big. You do not just walk out of a room full of people, crying. That's not you. You're stronger than that and- "
"WELL, I'M NOT, OKAY? I'M NOT STRONG! I'M NOT! SO STOP IT! STOP PRETENDING YOU KNOW ME SO WELL, LIKE YOU CAN UNRAVEL ME SO EASILY CAUSE YOU CAN'T! NO ONE CAN!" Santana let out a scream of frustration, punched the ground with her right fist as hard as she could and she felt immense pain travel up the length of her arm.
"San!" Quinn was at her side in a heartbeat, her face livid. "What the fuck, San?" But she gently took Santana's arm, despite her anger, and began to examine it while Santana breathed in deeply, the pain from her arm intoxicating but somewhat distracting even… heavenly.
"Are you trying to hurt yourself on purpose?" Quinn admonished as she pointed to the Latina's swelling wrist.
Santana blinked then before she knew it, she was sobbing in Quinn's arm, taking the blonde by surprise.
Quinn hesitated for a moment, clearly taken by surprise at the change of emotions but then she carefully wrapped her arms around the Latina and held her tight. "Shhhh. Come on S., don't cry…"
"It hurts." Santana cried.
"We can get that checked out, S. I'll go with you to the hospital and we can-" but Santana cut her off, oblivious to what Quinn was saying.
"How could she? She knew… She knew, Quinn…"
Suddenly, it hit Quinn. The Latina was talking about something completely different from what she was and it seemed that this was the root of all the hurting Santana was going through at the moment. It broke Quinn's heart to see Santana in this state; defeated and damaged. She silently cursed herself for having let their friendship crumble before them and she promised herself then and there, in that moment, that she'd always be there for Santana.
She didn't push for an explanation from Santana but just held her while the girl cried. Quinn knew that only time could ease the pain and in time, Santana would tell her.
Slowly, Santana calmed down and she gently pulled away from Quinn, wiping at her puffy eyes with her good arm. She sniffed and avoided Quinn's gaze.
"Can you tell me what happened?" Quinn asked patiently. "What happened in there, S?"
Santana trained her eyes on the grass. She hesitated for a few seconds. She wasn't sure if she was ready to tell someone but she needed to or else she'd implode and she didn't want to think about what would happen if that ever did happen. "I… I poured my heart out, Q… I… I tried to make her understand how much…." Santana stopped. She couldn't do it. She just couldn't. She shook her head, a sign that she couldn't go on.
But Quinn already knew what Santana was trying to convey. This was about Brittany. She chose her next words carefully. "She was crying too, you know…" She offered.
"Is that supposed to make me feel better?" The Latina muttered. "It doesn't."
"She's hurting just as much as you, S."
Santana shook her head. "The only difference is she's got the whole fucking freak show and Artie," The name tasted bad in her mouth. "to help her get by."
"They'll help you to."
"They'd rather watch me burn and knowing them, knowing how much they think I'm a bitch and Britt-Britt is… is an angel, they'd leave me out to die if they could. You know I'm the bad person, Quinn. I'm the bad person in everyone's eyes…" Santana gritted her teeth. "I'm the soulless, heartless bitch who destroys lives. You know that."
Quinn shook her head. "I'm here for you..."
"You said that before." Santana quietly stated then her shoulders slumped. "I said that before." She said in an audible tone.
"I'm saying it again now."
Santana didn't reply.
Silence followed. There was nothing much to say. No words of comfort to be given because they both were pretty sure no amount of words would help.
So Quinn stood up prompting Santana to look up at her. "It's late… We should go." Quinn smiled softly at Santana and offered her a helping hand.
Santana stared up at Quinn then she begrudgingly took her hand with her good arm and got to her feet. Quinn intertwined their hands together, an act of loyalty to the Latina and began to walk but stopped when her arm was slightly tugged back, indicating that Santana had not moved. Instead, Santana was looking at her with a raw sadness in her eyes.
"I don't want to go back to Glee Club." Was all she said.
Quinn frowned but opted to nod empathically. "Well, after you left, the meeting was pretty much over so everyone left and-"
Santana cut her off. "I don't want to sing anymore."
A/N: And so there you have it folks! The Prologue! :D If you have the time, please review just to let me know if you liked or hated it or just want to tell me what you want to see. :)
And of course, I'd just like to clear up that the song Santana "wrote" is of course, not hers and is not written by yours truly. Its by this awesome band from Asia called Neverending Weekend and the song is titled "Say It All Now". I just thouht I had to really put that song in the story because... well, it fit.
Anyway, hope you guys enjoyed this part and I'll try to be back as soon as I can to update! Thank you for reading! :D
